Normally, I never would have picked up a hitchhiker, especially as it was inching towards midnight and I was in an unfamiliar place, but the girl seemed to be in dire straits. I still had about two hours to go to reach my parents in Denver. It was my fault for leaving my apartment so late, but I was determined to make it there without having to pay for a hotel. The effect of the Turtles album I’d put on when I’d last stopped seemed to have worn out, even playing at full blast.
Maybe if I had someone to talk to…
The girl was covered in dirt and grime. Long red hair. Her long sleeved shirt was tattered, but it was dotted with tiny marigolds. The detail caught my eye. Marigolds had always been one of my favorite flowers. Maybe that was how I knew I could trust her.
When I looked at her for another moment under the dim light of the filling station, I realized that she was pregnant.
She seemed to be about my age, but I was bad at guessing that sort of thing, so I couldn’t tell for sure. Was she in trouble? She saw me stop and rushed towards the passenger side door. I unrolled the window.
“I’m going to Denver,” I said.
Without a word, she got in, dropping her backpack in the backseat.
“I’m Nell,” I said, trying to break the ice, to make her not be so nervous, even to convince myself I’d made the right decision in picking her up.
“Please just drive,” she finally said. She spoke with a thick British accent. That was when I caught a whiff of her body odor. I wondered when the last time she’d showered had been. Realizing that there was probably more to this than I probably wanted to understand, I unrolled the windows and started to drive.
After what seemed like an eternity but was probably only a few minutes of driving, I thought to ask her where in Denver I could take her. When she didn’t respond, I said, “Well, I’m not going to leave you on the side of the road.”
“Somewhere with a phone.”
“I thought I saw a phone at the filling station where I picked you up,” I replied.
The girl said nothing, and I could see her starting to cry.
Even if she’d said nothing, the pregnancy, how frantic she was, and how she didn’t want to tell me her name, it all told me enough. “I don’t need to know the full story, but are you in trouble?”
She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the window. “Just keep driving.”
“Can I ask…”
My eyes drifted towards her baby bump, and she knew. “He’s who I’m running from.”
“Did he hurt you?” I asked.
“He tried.”
I swallowed, not sure of what to say. I wasn’t one to pry on what was clearly a delicate situation, but I had picked her up close to midnight in a relatively remote part of the woods, frantic, pregnant, and with bad hygiene. I supposed I wanted to be sure that her ex wasn’t going to find her and kill her and the baby as soon as I dropped her off. But we still had two hours to go and there was plenty of opportunity to make sure she’d be safe.
The Turtles album was still playing but it was going to end soon and we’d need to change it. “You know,” the girl said. “This is one of my favorite records.”
I smiled vaguely. “It keeps me awake.” More silence. I told her I liked her shirt and that marigolds were my favorite flower.
“My mother had them in our garden at home,” she said. “I suppose it reminded me of that.”
I continued to drive. “You’re going to be able to call someone, right?”
The girl nodded. “My brother. I’m going to buy a bus ticket to California so I can stay with him.”
I told her I’d take her to Union Station, in that case. She showed me that she had money and told me that she’d stolen it from the father of her child. She’d been terrified doing it, but knew that by the time he would notice, she’d be long gone.
The Turtles album ended then, and I told her she could pick out another one from my glove compartment. She chose the Beatles. Revolver.
“I’m from Liverpool you know,” she said. “I had the chance to see the Beatles before they were famous.”
Okay, that was cool. I could tell she was trying not to think of wherever she’d come from. She kept her hand on her bump, and I asked her how far along she was.
“Four months? Maybe five? Her father didn’t really like keeping track of the days… or me going to the doctor.”
Whoever this man was, it seemed like she’d made the right choice in leaving him. “It’s a her?”
The girl nodded. “That’s what they told me, last visit I had.”
“I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mother,” I said.
This made her smile, and then she drifted off. Not much happened after that. I woke her once we got to Union Station. She told me that I was free to go, that it was late enough already and I should probably get to wherever I was going. But I figured if the situations were reversed, I wouldn’t want to be left alone.
So I stayed as she called and she told me her brother would be waiting for her in California. I stayed as she bought the bus ticket and I wished her luck with the baby and with everything else. Even if I didn’t know for sure, I reassured her that it was going to be okay.
“Thank you, Nell,” she told me. Then, she hugged me and I left the station and got back in my car. I realized, once I finally got to my parent’s house and crashed, that I’d never gotten her name. There was another part of me that was convinced I’d wake up in the morning having dreamt picking up a pregnant English hitchhiker in a marigold t-shirt in the middle of the night.
It wasn’t a dream, but I’d never got those answers. I went through the rest of my life, and I’d think of her every time I saw a marigold. I’d hoped that she and her daughter were doing well. That I’d made even the smallest bit of difference.
It was funny how people you interact with for the shortest amount of time can make such an impact on you.
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Hey there! I found this story great, it was really interesting and very well written. Overall, I just loved it! Here's my review:
Firstly, the story has a good setup and tension with the hitchhiking situation. You have done a good job of describing the characters and their situation, which makes the story engaging.
The plot is interesting, and there's a sense of mystery about the girl and her situation. The dialogue feels natural, and the description of the girl's appearance is vivid. The story also has a satisfying conclusion, with the protagonist deciding to stay with the girl until she is safe. The use of music throughout the story is a nice touch and adds an additional layer to the storytelling.
Time for the improvements!!
There are a few improvements that could be made to enhance your story. One suggestion would be to include more sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene. For example, describing the sounds and smells of the filling station could create a more vivid image in the reader's mind.
Additionally, the character development could be expanded upon. The protagonist's decision to pick up a hitchhiker is sudden, and more insight into their thought process could make their actions more believable. The pregnant hitchhiker's backstory could also be fleshed out more, giving the reader a better understanding of her circumstances and motivations.
Finally, the ending could benefit from more closure. While the protagonist's decision to stay with the hitchhiker is heartwarming, it would be nice to know what happens to the hitchhiker after she boards the bus. Perhaps a brief glimpse into her new life with her brother in California would provide a satisfying conclusion to the story.
So, that's all!
- HB
Hellooooooo this is Foxmaster!!!🦊
Oh, so this one short story reminds me of that one scene in "Peewee's great adventure" with where he hitchhikes and gets in a car with a creepy lady. (I've never actually seen the movie but my father once showed me this scene when we went hiking and saw a lady ask us the time. A few weeks later-exact same spot, exact same question.)
AAAAAnyway....
Ooh this was the last thing I was expecting. I thought it was gonna be like that one ghost story, but this is totally different... I would have personally wrote where the girl was, and if she seems suspicious or not........ she seems suspicious to me.
okay.... what? You really need to elaborate on that.
Ooh nice ending, it was a really strong conclusion!
That's all! I enjoyed it, it was really interesting, but I was lost at some parts. (Now your works out of the green room! Yaay!)
-Foxmaster!!!
This is so good! The writing is excellent, and the story feels very cohesive. I love all the details... the marigolds, the music... Here are my notes:
I don't think you need the "Was she in trouble?" We already get both the idea that she is, in fact, in trouble, and that your narrator is wondering if she is in trouble from your descriptions.
I'm not sure about this, but you might want to consider adding just a tiny bit more to “Please just drive,” it feels a little abrupt, especially considering how you characterize her later.
"once I finally got to my parent’s house and crashed" this phrasing feels a little awkward. I also think it could be a good place to add a bit more description to characterize your narrator, (not a ton though, I like how you keep your them mysterious.) Maybe just like a single detail about her childhood bedroom or something...
"It was funny how people you interact with for the shortest amount of time can make such an impact on you." I really don't think you need to bookend it with this final line. I think ending with the marigold is much more poignant!
Beautiful story! Can't wait to read more from you!