Young Writers Society

Hello, Cynder! It's Artemis28 here for the fantabulous Review Day!

Okay, I wanted to point out some stuff to you. But first, some praise! I really liked the story behind this, and the ending was especially good. The way you described the joyful, colorful part of this person's life was happy and made the reader feel the same as the narrator. Same thing with the dull parts, too. You do well for emotions.

Now onto the nitpicks! First, here, you don't need the semicolon after "live." Just a normal comma is fine.

"They want me to live;

To struggle,

and to be a normal muggle."

Second, stuff about the rhyme scheme. As you start out, there is a consistent rhyme scheme. Then it's lost abruptly, and the poem is more free verse. I don't see any rhyme after that. What's up with it? I did like the rhyming part, and I'm sure others did, too.

I also noticed that all your punctuation marks are bolded. Is that intentional, your computer, or what? It's kind of bothering me, but it's probably frivolous. If you didn't mean that, however, I suggest you go back and fix it.

Well, that's it! As I said before, I liked the idea. The muggle part was kind of interesting, too. You did a good job on this piece overall. Keep writing, Cynder!

-Artemis28

Hi Cynder!

So I like what you're trying to do here. I like the circular nature of the day where your speaker actually feels like what everyone says they should feel like and how you used the same sorts of phrases for that as before. I think that was well done because it gives the poem a sort of closure that it is possible to feel all those things, but not all the time. That's good for people to relate to.

What I don't really like is the summary at the end going back to the bleak world because even if it does happen, it's sort of not the main point of the poem is it? I suppose this poem sort of has two personalities. It has the depression, and the happiness. You still haven't really decided what note to leave it with. If you want to leave it happy, then take out some of the sadness at the end. Instead, end on an action. Make it something memorable that people can infer the darkness returning from instead of saying that it returns. That will give people a better ending to hold onto and share with their friends later. As it stands now, there's not really much to say aside from "a usually depressed speaker is happy sometimes." and that's basically the poem.

If you want to show that the depression is more frequent than otherwise, then take out some of the happy areas. Right now it is a mishmash between the two and while it works nicely for the looping, it doesn't really leave much room for thought. I don't mean make it a puzzle either, but room to explore what's going on in the poem. Try to push the language away from a stationary speaking more into a story or into an actual narrative. That should help you get more action out of it. For instance you reference a glaze, well, describe it as an action. Find something in life that shows that thing and describe it plainly as how life feels. That will make it relatable and visual at the same time and potentially give people memories about it.

If you push that into this poem, and decide which way it should go, then I think you'll have a good poem. You have the word choice down, now it's just the rest of it.

Aley

I love your truths so much!!! I'm not much of a poetry reviewer so I'll leave it open in the GR for more able reviewers, but great job buddy! <3 With everything you've been enduring, it translates beautifully in a poem.