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Young Writers Society


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War of Dawn - Chapter 25

by Costa


Chapter 25: The Wraith

Paula's tunnel goes on for a long way, deeper and deeper into the ground beneath Valarheim. There's no indication of depth, though they're going quite a few meters down its slope. Hilda could almost believe that they're going around in circles because the entire thing looks absolutely the same – featureless, gray stone floors and walls illuminated by the frequent glowing spheres of blue light, set about simple, cross-shaped brass candlesticks.

Paula seems certain of their destination, however, maintaining a steady pace as her steps echo through the passage. That being said, Hilda can see in her eyes, staring aimlessly into the dark path ahead, that she is still a bit conflicted about going against Eliza's will. In truth, Hilda isn't too sure herself but she'd rather go along than let Paula off on her own – plus, it's a good opportunity for her to get some answers.

With that in mind, she figures she ought to break the tense silence that fills this hall and try to get her friend's mind focused.

"Hey, wouldn't it be faster to use one of your portals?" Hilda asks.

Paula turns to face her, slightly startled as her mind's brought out of her own little world. "Y-yes, it would. But I'm not good enough to transport someone else with me and, moreover, the flow of Prana is distorted down there. It takes about ten minutes to get back to normal."

"Distorted how?"

"You'll see. But, in short, a dark portal spell uses Prana and the dark elemental to bend space and time and create a passage to a nearby-ish location. Distortions in the flow can hinder the spell, however, and—" Paula starts to explain but is soon interrupted by Hilda waving her hands around, distraught.

"Aah, no, that's too complicated for me. Forget I asked," she groans.

"Fair enough." Paula laughs. "But we'll be reaching the bottom soon – after that, we'll go find the Wraith."

"Hmhmm... Speaking of, how are we gonna do that? I reckon they aren't found by Scouts or folks outside your crew would know about them," Hilda asks, raising her eyebrows with curiosity.

"Indeed, they aren't." Paula nods. "Let me ask, do you remember how the Sight glyph works?"

Hilda answers almost immediately, that spell being pretty much second nature to her now. "Combs the flow of Prana around an area for anything that doesn't belong – undead and Valnr, yeah?"

"Their Prana doesn't belong because it is incompatible with our world's, yes. A Wraith is a far more extreme case: their Prana isn't just incompatible but outright hostile," Paula answers, her voice shifting to a very serious tone.

"Hostile?" Hilda asks, feeling a wee bit of worry crawling up the base of her neck.

Paula stops in her tracks, rubbing the bridge of her nose as if thinking of a way to describe color to a blind person. "It's... hard to explain. If, to the flow of Prana, a regular Valnr is like pollution on a river, a Wraith is like fire on skin; their Prana is harmful, cutting and bruising the flow just by being there. Those who are especially sensitive can feel that anomaly's bite."

"And that's you, Eliza and those three weirdos?"

"Lady Eliza." Paula wags her finger at Hilda. "But, yes, that's us. We've a higher sensibility than most and, thus, if a Wraith even starts crossing into our world – anywhere – we feel the hurting Prana. When that happens, we set out and intercept the fiend ASAP."

"Ah, so your group always gets to the things first and that's why nobody runs into them?" Hilda slowly nods in agreement, feeling some semblance of relief that she's not going to bump into one of the things when on patrol.

"We try; Wraiths need to be eliminated quickly, lest they become a problem. On the very rare occasions that regular Scions bump into one before Lord Julius or Lady Eliza arrives, they are sworn to secrecy," Paula explains before once more beckoning Hilda down the dark passage.

"'Become a problem', how? And I still don't see the reason to hide all this." Hilda skips on closer to Paula, eyes fixated on her face like that of a curious child, eager to hear the next part of a tale. She also wants a clear line of sight of her lips to see if she'll pucker them – best to make sure that Paula's being wholly up-front.

"In truth, I don't know; I shouldn't even be able to find one but I've studied the others and our spells long enough to figure out how. Normally, this knowledge is only for accepted hunters," Paula says, every square centimeter of her face exuding honesty. Tension and annoyance at being kept in the dark, too, but also honesty. "As for the secrets, suffice to say that our group is secretive by nature. Only those perceived as both trustworthy and competent are allowed to learn about this; that usually means experienced High Scions and above. But this is a story for when we've more time."

That's not the answer Hilda was hoping for but she isn't too surprised at it. This group of hunters probably doesn't want random folks to pry into them or, worse, hinder their mission. Taking into account the fact that they can apparently reach the Wraiths wherever they are emerging, this is probably a nonissue for anyone outside this crew.

That being said, the thought that Paula trusts her enough to share these secrets sends a surge of warmth throughout Hilda. Whatever drowsiness she was starting to feel from the late hours vanishes and her heart’s pounding beat sounds a call to arms. With an determined glimmer in her eyes, Hilda’s energized and set on helping her friend succeed with this.

"Alright, I can wait until we come back with a win." Hilda answers with a confident smile. "Last question: there's no way in hell Wally's letting us out without permission right now. How are we going to get to the Wraith you're sensing?"

"I'll show you – just up ahead," Paula says, pointing deeper into the tunnel.

It's finally stopping its descent, turning to a right angle as a small iron door appears from the darkness ahead. At least it seems like a door, though it has no doorknob, keyhole or any defining marks – it's more like a slab of metal.

Paula approaches it and, like the wall up in the storage area, pours some dark elemental over it. Blue ripples travel across the surface door, turning it transparent and, finally, fading it out of existence. Paula waves Hilda to come in and both girls step through, the door materializing behind them as soon as they pass.

On the other side lies an area completely different from the dusty tunnel they just passed by, which is good as Hilda was getting worried that Paula had to live in a place like that.

A large open chamber stands before them, dozens of rooms lying about the edges of the wall. It is very much like Valarheim, specifically the living quarters: same wooden structure, same carpets, armors, furnishings and tapestries, same corridors leading out to many bedrooms... only colder in tone and feel. Like someone painted a picture using only black and gray. Granted, this is underground so Hilda knows she shouldn't expect luminosity. The best she gets is the faint glow of elemental orbs and a faint fireplace.

One thing does stand out amidst it all, though: a large, dark blue prism crystal floating front and center in the chamber.

Its color aside, Hilda is immediately reminded of something else: "Is... this a Gate Crystal?"

"Not exactly. This one is called a Flowing Crystal," Paula says.

Hilda can't see what she means at first glance, the only difference it has is the color of its glow. Stepping closer, however, some more details stand out: unlike the regular Gate Crystals, this one isn't carved to a smooth, symmetrical shape. Rather, half of it is unevenly polished, set with dozens of odd wavy and spiral-like indentations; the other half looks as though it just came out of the earth, jagged and crusty to the extreme. The dark blue light within swirls slowly and randomly, like it's asleep.

"Today's been unusually busy. Two Wraiths have already emerged in the past half an hour, forcing both Lady Eliza and Lord Julius to the field," Paula muses, breaking Hilda's bewitched stare at the crystal. "And I just felt a third one inbound – it'll be in our world soon. The rules say I ought to simply wait until someone returns to sort it out but..."

Hilda can guess the end of the phrase with a quick glance at her friend's clenched jaw. "But you're done sitting on your hands."

"Hm. Waiting could give the Wraith time to do whatever it does; plus, I confess that I've contemplated doing this for a while." Paula answers with a firm nod, turning a gaze like steel towards the floating crystal. "However, Julius, Josette and Amit are always available to hunt any that emerges – and, if not them, my lady is. Though I'd be lying if I said I am certain about this, a chance to prove my worth has finally shown itself. I will not turn from it."

Hilda takes a step forward and firmly clutches Paula's shoulder. "And I'm here to make sure you come back with a big win. So, what now?"

"Now, you put these on while I ready the crystal to give us passage." Saying that, Paula waves her hands and brings forth a standard set of Alterium armor for Hilda to don. As she does as told, Paula inches closer to the Flowing Crystal and closes her eyes.

Nothing happens at first, she makes no move to cast any sort of spell like Wally would when opening a portal. However, the sleepy blue light starts becoming more agitated, swirling faster, and the crystal as a whole trembles ever-so-slightly.

"A Prime Gate Crystal is connected to all regular ones; to open a passage, you visualize which one you want to go to. A Flowing Crystal, as the name implies, is connected to the flow itself, so you visualize a point in it," Paula says, concentrating, as the crystal trembles even more. "The problem is that doing so is like trying to pinpoint a drop of water in a river. So, the only way is to focus on the Wraith's anomaly. When you do..."

At that moment, a tear runs across the crystal from top to bottom and splits it in half. The swirling blue light within, now free, grows and expands until it becomes something akin to a mass of white nothingness. It floats firm like a piece of glass but wholly blank – like reality simply decided it didn't care to fill in this spot.

There's a flash of light and, when Hilda opens her eyes, the white glass has been filled with what looks like the painting of a lush forest... were it held under the sun and had its colors melt off into undulating shapes.

"... Is this safe?" she asks Paula, looking on with worry, like she's just opened a passage to the underworld and is telling her to go through.

"It only looks weird because the passageway isn't as rock-solid as between Gate Crystals. Just think of it as walking through a waterfall, instead of a window." Paula gives her a reassuring smile and goes in first, vanishing the second she lays her hand on the image.

Hilda looks on with concern, biting her inner lip; she holds her breath, closes her eyes and simply lunges forward, expecting to feel turned inside out or something to that effect. Thankfully, the most she feels is a small tingling across her body and a sudden increase in temperature and humidity caressing her skin. The chirping and murmuring sounds, and the soft smell of petrichor that fills her nose, signal Hilda that she's arrived at her destination.

Opening her eyes, a vast jungle stretches in all directions – different than any vegetation she's seen in her life. Trees stand tall and wide, their massive trunks rising high above the ground and looking as though they could withstand the weight of a mountain without breaking a sweat. Hilda can't even see most of the night sky as it stands hidden behind an impassable canopy of branches, leaves and flowers; at most, there are a few twinkling streaks of moonlight piercing through small gaps in the foliage.

"Where are we?" Hilda wonders aloud, not to Paula in particular.

"I've no idea but this is about where I felt the anomaly in the flow," Paula answers anyway, kneeling on the ground and covering her eyes with her right hand. A ripple of dark light encircles her, several lines erupting and shooting off into the distance. A few seconds later, she stands back up. "Hm, it's really not too far. Over there."

Paula climbs atop a nearby moss-covered boulder, beckoning Hilda over as she points into the distance. Hilda squints her eyes, trying to see amid the darkened vegetation. Nothing seemingly stands out, though; just a mess of green, brown and black colors, wrapping around one another like the work of a deranged painter.

As her eyes adjust to the poor lighting, however, something begins taking shape further ahead: tucked away in the dense brush, a construction stands camouflaged. Rough wooden logs, sunk deep into the earth and covered with mud and foliage mark out a small fort – about the size of one the Corps' outposts.

Hilda and Paula start closing in, slowly to keep the noise to a minimum as the place seems definitely populated. Booming voices and laughter cut across the silence of the forest while the scent of cooked meat starts becoming more and more apparent; smoke rises from within, likely a pyre to illuminate the place. All in all, this seems like a common fort but that semblance starts fading with each meter they close in.

There is a smell of cooked meat, yes, but it is soon tainted by the familiar, putridly sweet scent of rotting flesh – Revenants are patrolling around the area, whose growls and grunts mix with the sounds of the nearby people in what Hilda would assume to be the soundtrack of a particularly twisted corner of Hell.

More worrying still, smoke isn't all that's rising from within the area: small streaks of swerving dark wisps fly up into the sky, drawing sinister contours before passing through the tree canopy. Hilda's only experience with dark spells thus far has mostly come from watching Paula – despite humans' natural fear of darkness, she's never felt anything of the sort all these months. Watching Paula work her spells is like staring off into a moonless sky: clear and serene.

That does not apply to whatever is going on in there, though; just from watching these wisps, Hilda feels ill at ease. Rather than tranquility, the dark energies at work here waft violence and hostility – in contrast to Paula's, each of these feel like staring into a pitch black abyss. It's easy for Hilda to see how something like this being around could hurt the flow of Prana.

Conjuring a Sight glyph, however, shows nothing too out of the ordinary – aside from ten Revenants, there aren't even any Valnr around. The white blanket of the flow stretches out normally, marred only by some ever-so-subtle ripples, like lightly boiling water, across its surface. Were she not up close, feeling what's going on in person, she'd probably assume there was no problem.

"The Wraith isn't here yet – lucky. From what I've heard, that's not too common; the Necromancers must be still finishing its ritual," Paula whispers, noting her puzzled look. "I suggest we take the Revenants as quietly as we can and move in to the people at the fort... You've no problem with fighting other humans, right?"

Hilda can see why she'd ask that question – ever since joining the Corps, her only opponents have been Valnr and undead. It's not too farfetched to assume that Novitiates could be somewhat queasy with the thought of killing fellow humans. Said Novitiates would probably not be from the Northern Reaches, however.

Those who've spent their lives in the frozen wastes all grow to despise Necromancers with every fiber of their being. These men and women flock to the Valnr-infested central region of the Northern Reaches to ally themselves and learn their magic; they "train" on the populace before being sent out across the Paling and into the world. Between infiltrating towns to kidnap and sacrifice innocents and summoning monstrosities from the Valnr plane of existence, they are responsible for countless deaths.

"Necros aren't any different from their Valnr bosses. I'm not losing any sleep over this." Hilda spits.

Paula sees the venom in her eyes and knows she needn't ask any more. With a firm nod, she points eastward. "Very well; I'll take the east side, you go west. Once the Revenants are dead, we'll converge in the north and head in together."

"Quick and quiet." Hilda confirms with a thumbs' up. "Let's go."

Upon those words, both girls run off in their respective directions. The people at the fort don't seem to have posted lookouts – likely confident that their summoned undead could handle anything that got close. All the better for Hilda, as she can zip around without fear of anyone spotting the electricity of her Haste spell flashing against the area's gloom.

Five Revenants stand on her side, the ground, covered in stones, sticks and fallen leaves making some not insignificant ruffles under her feet. Thankfully, the noise from the fort minimizes the effect. Now it's only a matter of minimizing the risk of any of them shrieking and alerting the others.

With that in mind, she finds a spot where she can see all five clearly; better yet, they're not moving. So, Hilda draws her sword, widens it for some extra stopping power and aims its tip towards the undead. The best way to make sure none of them get a chance to do anything is just to kill them all in one go.

Focusing her mind, the picture is clear – all of them, dead together. The blade obeys, shooting off towards her prey. It skewers the first Revenant through its skull, not even giving it time to react before its scalp is lopped off. The bone does not stop Hilda's weapon in the slightest, carrying on to the next target. Her blade extends across the area, curving, turning and twisting like a hungry beast under the cover of the darkened jungle. Silent and deadly, it hunts down the remaining Revenants with no more than a pained gurgle leaving their corroded lips before they fade to dust.

That's that problem taken care of and the people inside the fort seem none the wiser still. So, Hilda rushes over to the arranged rendezvous at the northern wall. Paula arrives at the same time, fading into existence as one of her portals opens up on the muddy ground.

"All clear there?" Hilda asks with Paula nodding in confirmation. "What happens now?"

"We—" she moves to answer but is interrupted when a shockwave of wind bursts across the area. The wisps of the dark elemental that were rising from within have multiplied by five, now swerving around a faint pillar of black light. It shoots out from within the fort, piercing the above canopy and turning its leaves and branches into charred husks. Hilda feels the air around this entire region burning as it enters her lungs, assaulting her eyes like needles.

"It's almost here...!" Paula lets out a faint gasp, pulling herself together for the challenge that's manifesting within. "Let's look inside and move in. If we can stop the ritual outright, the Wraith will die in transit."

Inching quietly across the brush, the two girls make their way to the fort wall proper. The place's sturdily built due to the thick trees around but there are still plenty of seams between the logs. Taking a look, the situation inside is as they expected: a group of about forty men and women sit around a large, bonfire reveling with drinks and meat. They're all armored in leather and fur and armed with crude swords and axes – not that those would avail them against Scions.

More importantly, deeper inside the fort, is the actual problem: five necromancers, garbed in the Valnr's traditional featureless black cloak and hood. Their hands raised above their heads, pouring energy into a spell at their feet; a large purple-colored circle covered in unknown markings. Some look like constellations, others like alphabet-based scripture, only lengthened and mangled into nigh-unrecognizable form. One unique marking on the spell clearly showcases what it is for: a gilded portcullis drawn front and center in what looks like blood.

"There they are..." Hilda whispers, eyes fixated on the mages. "How are we doing this?"

"We'll run them down and try to end this in a surprise attack. It's simpler that way." Paula takes her halberd firmly in hand and gathers a mass of dark elemental on the other. "Go in first – I'll follow via a portal."

"Alright; I'll take the left guy and, then, the one above him. Here I go...!"

Hilda's heard plenty about Necromancers over her life – well-trained mages who decided working for the Valnr was a better deal than courts or colleges around the world. Considering she's no idea how strong these guys' spells could be, or how their own spellcasting system actually works, it makes sense to not give them any chance. At least they're focused on their spell, eyes, body and mind wholly committed towards the opening portal. Good.

Hilda takes a couple of steps back, sword in hand humming with the gathered lightning elemental on its edge. Remembering Owen's maneuver back in Melville Island, she figures it'll suit this situation nicely; with a wave of her hand, a small streak of crackling electricity appears and freezes in midair. Hilda conjures another and another, jumping across each other and making her way up high – just enough to rise above the fort's wall.

The way's now clear and her target's in sight; one last platform, this one set vertically above her. Hilda leaps up and sinks her feet into it, the electricity gathering at her soles in preparation for the proverbial lightning to fall. And that it does: Hilda surges forward to her targets, a loud thunder booming as she rips across the fort.

Everyone's heard that but it's far too late for them. By the time the Necromancers' eyes turn to see what the noise was, Hilda's already dropping towards them blade-first... and her target can't even defend himself. Her sword cuts the surprised mage like a piece of parchment, cleaving his chest in half.

Paula comes in at the same time, emerging from the darkness of her portal behind the Necromancer farthest to the right. Her attack is silent and unnoticed to the last second as everyone's focused on Hilda. That is, until she sinks the axe blade of her halberd into the unsuspecting villain's neck. Blood spurts atop their summoning circle as she lifts his limp body and slams it into the ground before moving to another target.

Hilda's done the same, readying a new spell for a trial run: one circle, a half-moon drawn within. Elemental Cutter. She throws her hand upwards, sending a person-sized crescent moon of electricity spinning towards her foe. The Necromancers have regained their bearings, however.

Walls of solid fire and stone erupt from the ground, stopping Hilda and Paula's attacks dead in their tracks. The third one moves on the opening, bringing forth his hands and blasting them with a storm of electricity. His spell crashes and fizzles against their Shields, though the force knocks them back. The girls jam their hands into the earth, stopping their drift right about the middle of the alarmed fort.

"Psh... Guess we're doing this the hard way now," Hilda grumbles as she gets back on her feet.

"At least, judging from that spell, they're nothing we can't handle," Paula adds, watching as the common warriors scramble.

Yelling in panic as their mirth was cut short by this attack, all men and women stomp across the earth like a swarm. One by one, they surround the two Scions, looking on with both anger and confusion as to what's going on. Hilda doesn't understand their language but can tell from their tone that they're asking questions. The warriors get louder and louder, demanding answers that will never come.

One of them, seemingly losing his patience, raises his axe with a loud roar and charges after Hilda. She's not interested in wasting time with them, though. As the warrior swings, Hilda takes a step forward and grabs his hand in midair. It's a pretty burly man but his strong arms may well be made of gravel face a Scion and they're easily tossed aside. Hilda's counterattack comes in the form of a roundhouse kick to the nose, sending her would-be foe flying across the dirt. The warriors' angry yelling fades to give way to baffled clamoring – that ought to have made it clear they're not dealing with regular folks.

"You folks better back off right now." Hilda waves her hand, shooing them away.

"If you value your lives, you'll do as she says." Paula nods, pointing her halberd towards the three surviving Necromancers. "We're only here for them."

The Necromancers themselves don't appear to be doing too well; the one who blasted them away with that lightning spell seems more in control but not so for the other two. One is crouched over one the corpse of Hilda's victim, while the other is fidgeting like mad, his eyes shifting back and forth under his hood.

"You're looking a bit scared there, Necro. Doesn't feel too nice, huh?" Hilda taunts him, remembering all the horrors his kind's instilled in her people.

"Wh-what are Scions doing here...? They said this area was far from any bases...!" The panicky Necromancer tries his best to whisper to his comrades, though the fear in his boyish voice is easily heard.

"Calm down, damn it." The leader grabs him by the collar and commands, his own deep voice carrying a note of distress. "We'll just have to handle it now..."

"How are we supposed to calm down?! They killed Boris and Negema!" The crouching Necromancer, a woman, wails before turning towards Hilda and Paula in anger. "You killed our brothers, you whores!"

A rush of electricity fizzles about Hilda as her eyes contort into an enraged glare. "Excuse me? Did you just cuss at us for killing your friend, freak? Well, I can reunite you in a hurry!"

"Wait!" the scared Necromancer cries out, gesturing madly for her to stop. "M-My family's very rich! Let us go and y-you'll be very well paid!"

"And let you free to spread the Valnr's influence? You must be joking," Paula answers, contempt born upon every syllable.

"To say nothing of the fact that I'd rather gouge out my eyes than cut some slack for Necros!" Hilda resumes her stance, readying herself for another attack.

The surrounding warriors once more grow restless, reforming their ranks to try to close off Hilda and Paula's paths. Slowly they approach, looking at the Scions like they're dangerous beasts. Hilda grows further annoyed with their lack of understanding of who they're trying to face. They may not understand what they said but even dogs know not to stick their noses where it hurts.

"You wanna end up as your friend there?" Hilda growls, gesturing at the wounded warrior crumpled upon the muddied soil. Seems that her previous attack has broken a few things – he can't even bring himself up from the pool of blood around his head. Some of the warriors do seem ill at ease, taking sideway glances at their battered friend and back to the swirling elements wafting around Hilda and Paula. A couple even start backing away but most still hold their ground – in fear but they keep at it.

"These are proud members of the 'Zorros de Valdivia' revolutionaries and this is one of their bases. They will not leave it without a fight – it'd ruin their reputation," the Necromancer leader speaks.

Paula scoffs at his attitude. "What do you care? You're only using them to further for agenda."

"We use each other, such as our Master taught us. They contacted us to secure the help of our undead soldiers for a raid in a large imperialist town nearby," the leader firmly answers back. "If I remember, the Corps does not intervene with political movements, right? Are you entitled to being here?"

"It's stopped being a 'political movement' when you got here!" Hilda snaps with another surge of electricity. "And you know what? I'm done talking! Let's get these guys out of the way, Paula!"

"Aye, aye!"

Hilda and Paula turn their backs to each other, conjuring a Wave glyph upon their fingers. The revolutionaries even try to react in a mad rush but, with a flicker of the girls' hands, a large surge of electricity and darkness engulfs the area. A surge of electricity and dark blue streams spread in all directions, bashing everyone nearby straight into the fort's wooden walls. As the spell fades, only pain-filled groans are left in place of their crackling sounds – they're hurt but still alive.

As Hilda and Paula turn their sights to the Necromancers, the panicky boy and sorrowful woman stand frozen with fear but the leader's taken action. From his crossed hands, orbs of blackened energy emerge and shine forth with an eerie light.

"There's one thing you should know, then: you made a mistake. The ritual still needs a few minutes to conclude but by killing my comrades you've unleashed their Prana. Much as I'd rather not do this, you force my hand," he says.

Waves of white energy materialize in the air above the camp, pouring forth from the bodies of the dead Necromancers. They head straight towards the leader's fists, circling around the black orbs in increasingly bigger quantities.

Oh, no, you don't...! Paula and Hilda think in unison and rush him down to try and stop whatever he's planning. The other two Necromancers look at their stalwart leader and move to defend him, waving their hands around and conjuring a barrage of fireballs and jagged stones.

Hilda and Paula dodge back and forth against the spell, as speedy and precise as a Scion's. It's not enough to pierce their Shields but the constant need to reposition stunts their progress – by the time they're reaching the summon circle in the ground, time's run out.

The Necromancer leader spreads the gathered energies atop the spell, covering it in glowing white sparks. The circle erupts in a surge of darkness as the portcullis drawn at its center opens in the form of a gaping maw. The faint pillar thickens into a torrent of black, empty energies.

Hilda and Paula try to run through it to reach the Necromancers but find themselves slamming against and being tossed backwards by an impassable mass of corruption. The mere touch of it leaves Hilda feeling cold as though she decided to take a nude stroll in the tundra during a blizzard. Paula's felt it, too, gripping the shoulder which grazed against the spell like she's afraid it'll fall off.

The evil energies coalesce on the ground, twisting as a loud, ghostly wail echoes from within – a tormented cry like that of a dying beast. Just listening to it feels like a shower of jagged daggers running through the heart. The dark elementals start settling down, oozing into the ground like rotted paste, and leaving in their wake, hobbling atop the summon circle, a human-esque being.

"Human-esque" may be too kind a denomination for this creature, though. Standing at over three meters tall, it displays what was a well-muscled frame, now misshapen and hunched over after massive rot. Its pale white skin is tarred by hundreds of scabs, gashes and putrefied flesh providing a gruesome view of the creature's insides.

Its arms are long and gangly like that of a monkey, though jutting pitch black bones have erupted across the hands and forearms, giving them the look of spiked maces. While the legs themselves stand bent under the creature's girth, each one of the still looks as bulky as the trunks of the trees around the fort.

What would be the head is unrecognizable, having collapsed upon itself a long time ago. There is only a gaping hole left behind where the face used to stand, filled with a white flame that flitters around streaks of black light swirling in a whirlpool. Hilda's never seen anything like this – it's terrifying but not just due to its form. This creature horrifies her because the world around it seems to scream in pain at its presence; her own body feels like it is being torn at the seams.

Paula looks on at it and her iron spirit seems to have been daunted as well. Her eyes are bulged in terror and Hilda can even see her jaw chattering as she fails to keep it clenched. They came here committed to fight this monstrosity and while Hilda doesn't know what's in Paula's mind, now that it's arrived, every ounce of her soul is screaming one thing only:

You've both made a huge mistake.


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Sun Oct 02, 2016 9:46 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Let's see if I can't crank out the last two reviews tonight!

I like how it starts out in the tunnel. Interesting right from the get-go. I'm not sure if I've mentioned how much I like the idea/worldbuilding of Prana. It's a very neat magic system that all the spells fit into nicely. Though I don't think you need SO much explanation about the Wraith - a little bit is fine, but the dialogue starts repeating itself.

I think in general you have a tendency to be too on-point with emotions. Often people aren't so self-aware, even if they're trying to be. I think it would be stronger to work on showing and evoking rather than "telling" so often with the emotions. Eg this is the line that made me think to comment:

That being said, Hilda can't help but feel so very happy to see that Paula trusts her enough to confide these secrets to her; all the more reason why she's got to help her friend succeed with this.


Another one that made me pause to make a note was this--

The people at the fort don't seem to have posted lookouts – likely confident that their summoned undead could handle anything that got close.

The people must know about the Scions and their abilities, and know that a few Revenants is no match for them. If two Novitiates can take out their entire defenses no problem, why didn't they try to have better protection? Valnr are fair game for Scions, after all.

I like how we end with the Wraith emerging, and I'm glad we didn't manage to stop it in time. It's a good cut-off point for the chapter, too. Two things I didn't quite like about the ending sequence:
1. Hilda didn't have any reaction to killing her first human. Sure, she SAID she didn't care about Necros, but they're still HUMAN. There's going to be a big difference to feeling her blade cut into flesh and bone and see blood and guts spill out of a living, breathing person. I thought you were going to come back to this by showing the fearful boy and the shrieking woman, as that seemed like an attempt to humanize them, so suddenly Hilda would realize. But she never did.
2. The bad guys are awfully talkative. Pretty articulate, explaining what they're doing and everything, with angry Scions bearing down on them.

But overall a pretty exciting chapter. Onto the next one and see if we can wrap this up tonight!




Costa says...


Way back, I thought that Hilda might have issues with killing other people at first. But, as I went along and wrote the situation in the north as I did, I figured it'd seem a bit odd; the land up there is rife with Necromancers sneaking into towns and doing their shenanigans. Between kidnapping innocents and raising loved ones into undead, I figured northerners would be the ONLY group of people that I couldn't justify hesitating to attack the guys. There isn't a single one of them that hasn't lost at least an acquaintance (or more) to them.

I was more going for a "trying to invoke the Scions' non-intervention clause" with Vlad's explanation, as a long-shot way to try and get the Hilda and Paula to back off. Should I shorten it a wee bit, you think? Make it more to the point?

And do you have any suggestions as to how I could show Hilda's joy at being trusted by Paula? Were this a first person POV it'd be much simpler but, in the third, am I not limited to have the narrator put to words these intangible feelings?


Oh, and since you were curious, the fort had little defenses because, if you remember, Scions in general could only detect the place from afar if it had a pylon tearing through the flow. Up close, they'd need scouts running about to feel the Revenants but, outside of the northern reaches, the Scions are often stationed in towns and not in outposts. Do you feel I should make a small addition to make this clearer? I figured I could leave that for the reader to fill in the blank.



Megrim says...


I think it makes sense for Northerners to hate Necromancers, but still, killing another human is a big deal, no matter who they are.

I understood Vlad's explanation, but somehow it felt too little too late, so maybe strengthen that stuff. And even with the explanation, it felt weird that they didn't bolster better defenses.

You could consider investing in The Emotion Thesaurus if you like: https://www.google.com/search?q=the emotion thesaurus&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8 It's very good for showing emotions, has lists of behaviours for each emotion, among other things. I'm not sure I understand what you're defining as the difference between first and third there. You can show emotions the same way in either POV.



Costa says...


Sorry, I expressed myself poorly.

Either way, I've made some changes based on what you pointed out. I'll have this slated for more thorough editing later on.

Cheers! :)



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Mon Sep 19, 2016 1:50 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Hey :D

So that Wraith is pretty terrifying. Seriously, you've introduced that very well, and I can completely understand why Paula is slightly crapping herself at the prospect of having to battle it. The next chapter is certainly going to be an interesting one, anyway! I found Hilda and Paula's battle talk with the Necros really amusing too, by the way, and it added a little humour to this whole thing. The one who begged for his life by offering them riches was a funny one, I liked that. As I noted in my last review (or maybe the one before that, my memory is shocking), your battle scenes have certainly improved since the beginning of this novel. They're a lot more entertaining, and they flow more smoothly, and it was very much evident here. A super impressive chapter overall, I must say.

I don't have heaps in terms of critiques, but something I found quite odd was how calm and up for it Hilda was in regards to battling the Wraith. Considering Paula was evidently rather ignorant about it (based on her reaction to seeing the thing), I understand why Hilda may not realise the extent of this enemy's potential powers, but it didn't even seem to faze her that she was about to battle some creature her kind usually don't battle. Considering they're usually dealt with by Scions like Lady Eliza and co, that in itself should give her an incline that this enemy will be a tricky one. It feels like Hilda is treating it like any other enemy though, and I just find it difficult to believe that she'd not at least realise that this battle has potential to be too big for her. Err, if that makes sense.

Something I've brought up before is your tendency to tell (as opposed to show) and just a general tendency to make certain dialogue and narration feel like its only purpose is to provide the reader with information. I felt that a little here when Paula was describing the crystal she and Hilda used to transport to the Wraith's location. It felt more like she was telling us than Hilda because it was very detailed and somewhat formal for dialogue between two friends, y'know? To simplify it to its most basic level, that crystal is a transport crystal, which is something we've seen a few times before. As it is something we've seen before, we don't need so much information and detail about it. Note that it's different as it's used by Paula and co, sure, but only include the details that are crucial to the story.

This isn't a critique, more of a question, but how come we've not seen any Necros (or heard of them) before? I get the Wraiths because they're usually dealt with before Scions like Hilda arrive, plus there's the whole secrecy thing. I'm surprised we've not heard of or seen Necros before though because humans who aid Valnrs and co seems like something that'd happen quite regularly. It's an interesting concept too, so I'd like to hear a little more about it.

Enough of my rambling anywho! As always, be sure to let me know if you want me to clarify anything, and be sure to take this review with a pinch of salt.

Keep writing,

xoxo S(k)ins




Costa says...


We've heard of Necros before - as far back as the first chapter, even - but I never quite had room to insert them into the story just yet. If I want to nitpick, I could argue that we DID have a Necro in the form of Nokor... in the sense that a Necromancer is one who deals with undead-related magics and can be both human or Valnr.

That being said, they are rarer than the Valnr up in the Northern Reaches. We'll be seeing a lot more of them as we start expanding beyond the Paling, since that's the human Necros bread and butter.

And I felt that, for the Flowing Crystal, it was better to err on the side of caution and give a thorough explanation than to leave dangling questions. Like, if the Flowing Crystal can go anywhere, why do we need Gate Crystals? That's the sort of question I wanted to avoid.

And I reckon my occasional dip into "telling" seems to be derived out of this compulsion to leave the magic systems clearly defined. It requires me to define abstract concepts like the flow of Prana.
I'll see what I can cut later on, when editing.



Sins says...


Ah, that's just me being forgetful then, just don't rememeber Necros being mentioned! I guess you could mention them a little more for other dumbasses like me, but it's not really an issue.

Yeah, I suppose that makes sense. I am quite picky with the whole telling thing, somewhat more than a lot of people, so that's definitely one to take with a pinch of salt!



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Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:33 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



NOW I feel like they’re really in danger. This Wraith seems scary.

That’s one thing that bugged me about this chapter. Obviously I love that our warriors are female (as I think I mentioned to you the last time I reviewed a chapter of this) and can kick butt, but until the Wraith showed up I really didn’t feel like they were in any danger. I think the reason is this part here.

With that in mind, she finds a spot where she can see all five clearly; better yet, they're not moving. So, Hilda draws her sword, widens it for some extra stopping power and aims its tip towards the undead. The best way to make sure none of them get a chance to do anything is just to kill them all in one go.
Focusing her mind, the picture is clear – all of them, dead together. The blade obeys, shooting off towards her prey. It skewers the first Revenant through its skull, not even giving it time to react before its scalp is lopped off. The bone does not stop Hilda's weapon in the slightest, carrying on to the next target. Her blade extends across the area, curving, turning and twisting like a hungry beast under the cover of the darkened jungle. Silent and deadly, it hunts down the remaining Revenants with no more than a pained gurgle leaving their corroded lips before they fade to dust.


I mean, it’s awesome that Hilda can use her magic and a sword to kill five Revenants at once without even putting herself in harm’s way. But the problem is that then I was thinking: well, why can’t she and Paula simply dispatch the Necromancers in the same way?

Then I thought: the Necromancers have magic, too, though. I mean, at one point Hilda admits that she doesn’t know how powerful they might be.

Considering she's no idea how strong these guys' spells could be, or how their own spellcasting system actually works, it makes sense to not give them any chance.


But it turns out not to matter, because two Necromancers are killed right off the bat, really easily, and two of the remaining three spent the rest of the time bemoaning their comrades’ deaths.

"Wh-what are Scions doing here...? They said this area was far from any bases...!" The panicky Necromancer tries his best to whisper to his comrades, though the fear in his boyish voice is easily heard…
"How are we supposed to calm down?! They killed Boris and Negema!" The crouching Necromancer, a woman, wails before turning towards Hilda and Paula in anger. "You killed our brothers, you whores!"


So now, not only do I not feel any sense of suspense—because I don’t feel like Hilda and Paula are in any danger at all—but I also feel bad for the Necromancers, because they seem like people who just sort of got mixed up with the wrong crowd rather than actually evil and deserving of my condemnation. Plus this part doesn’t help.

Those who've spent their lives in the frozen wastes all grow to despise Necromancers with every fiber of their being. These men and women flock to the Valnr-infested central region of the Northern Reaches to ally themselves and learn their magic; they "train" on the populace before being sent out across the Paling and into the world. Between infiltrating towns to kidnap and sacrifice innocents and summoning monstrosities from the Valnr plane of existence, they are responsible for countless deaths.


Because yes, you’re telling me that Necromancers are responsible for a lot of death and destruction, and Hilda says she’ll have no problem killing them, but since all I actually see is some Necromancers pleading for their lives and crying over a fallen comrade. Yeah, that last Necromancer completes the spell that allows the Wraith to form (or whatever), but that’s after this has happened, so I’m going to need a little more if you want me to think they’re actually bad.

Unless this is all some clever foreshadowing because it’s going to turn out that they’re not really all that bad, and Hilda learns a valuable lesson.

But if that’s not the case (and I think it isn’t), I think our horror of the Necromancers could be strengthened in two ways. First, rather than generalizing the horrors perpetrated by Necromancers over the years in the above paragraph, give us a flash of specific memory. What actual experiences does Hilda have with them prior to this point? Was her family directly affected by them? Did she have a friend who experienced loss at the hands of the Necromancers? We don’t need a full flashback—just a glimpse of something specific the Necromancers once did.

Second, show them fighting back! Here Hilda and Paula killed two of them and are belittling and attacking them, and they’re just taking it. If you want me to think they’re bad, at the very least they could do something to defend themselves. It doesn’t have to be completely affective, but give me something that makes me feel like Hilda and Paula are actually in danger from these people.




Costa says...


No, Necromancers are pretty much all scum. Problem is, I figured making them all cold, calculating monsters wouldn't really seem believable. All things considered, they ARE still people - mages who were tempted to abandon the regular study to learn the Valnr's craft.
There are all sorts of personalities to be found among (and the panicky ones are rather young), I thought. Doesn't change what they're doing but there it is.

Concerning what you said about the Necros fighting actually fighting, I'll be getting to that in the next chapter. This was running pretty lengthy, so I elected to have the Wraith come in before the fight proper started.




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