Chapter 4
Burrow woke up, his heart thumping.He didn't remember anything.
He looked around him and he realized that wherever he was, it was not on earth.
There were hovercrafts above, moving at speeds not known to man. Men and women wait, scratch that. Mr Alien and Mrs Alien walk by; there were hundreds if not thousands of extra-terrestrial beings. Many had large ears poking out the back of their heads, some had multiple eyes, and he felt as if he was in a horror movie of some sought. He didn't know what to do. Where to go, he only knew his name. He was alone and with no humans, but yet he felt the same, were ever he want it was all the same to him.
He stood in front of the bench of a large food outlet going by some alien language name, it was sought of a dump, but he didn’t mind He looked up at the alien man thing. He asked for some food. He got none.
He looked behind him. As the front door slammed open it almost knocked a customer over. Troops stormed in with all of their firearms pointed at him. He guessed it was some kind of police force, here to arrest him for something.
They all moved forward making a half circle around him, he didn't like it. They had some sought of space suit, blue lines where on the sides, and a large meal visor covered their eyes, and he saw fog breathing out of little holes near were a mouth should be.
He felt the air swell around him, he didn't know what he was doing, and he just followed his instincts.
He flew through the soldiers knocking half of them over as he flew past they tried to fire trying to stop him from escaping. The air that swelled around him stopped the bullets hitting him, but he felt the impact of them hitting his little safe spot of air, almost sending him of course.
As he smashed through the glass doors, he again found himself outside, though this time things were different. He was surrounded by hundreds if not thousands of men, with machines all aiming at and within firing range of him, he had no choice.
Surrender.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hey Jack!
Checking out your fourth chapter. If incredibly short though, so there's very little to bring up. I've been commenting on each of your parts so far though, so I'll do a quick one here as well.
As with your previous chapters, my main issue is that things are happening too quickly and your writing is lacking a lot of information. As in, this chapter is very short. And I'm unsure of what exactly is happening in it. You could explain so much more.
Of course, I'm pretty sure your intent here is to leave the reader as confused as Burrow is about what has happened to him and where he currently is. But I'd still want a lot more in this. Describe more about his location, the people or aliens he encounters etc.
As Burrow wakes up, I have no idea what kind of location he is in. Did he wake up in some sort of futuristic McDonalds? The only things you mention are benches and the fact that there are customers. McDonalds is my natural conclusion.
Well, I'd want more of that.
I guess I could also mention the fact that I thought this change of location and plot twist (?) came a bit abruptly? I was kind of interested in who this girl you revealed at the end of the last chapter was now. Well, I suppose they'll meet up later. After he fights his way out.
Seeing as you wrote this chapter to introduce a bit of action into your story, I would say it's not the most exciting thing I've read. I'm sure things get more exciting as we get further into the plot. You'll even write it better.
That's pretty much what I've got overall, but there were a couple of things I noticed that I'll mention though, so I'll write them up:
Why are these two seperated by a comma? It should be one line. Drop the period and decapitalize.
Not a big fan of short, stumpy sentences in general.
I said this in an earlier review as well. You change up the British and American spelling. In a previous chapter you used the American 'realized', yet in this one you're using the British 'realised'. Small thing.
Well, you repeat this narration style here, so that's in keeping with the previous chapter. So that's neat. I'm just not a fan of this particular one I guess.
This part is again choppy.
As I said, we need more on the location. What is this bench? Where did this alien suddenly come from? Are aliens known to Burrow? He seems to be pretty chill about it, asking for food.
Edit
Run on. Added a comma.
Edit
Added a word.
Machines?
Alright, that's pretty much all I could bring up. There's some punctuation issues that pop up here and there, but I don't need to repeat that over and over. You'll master it.
Very short chapter, there's not much more I'll say. I guess I'll see you in the next one.
Keep it up, Jack!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks for the review!
I fixed it up, mostly though just adding more detail, I go through editing later.
Thanks again
Hey there. Once again great job keeping the action up, there is never a dull moment in this piece which I love.
Again with my thought verbs and thats. I think you could make this sentence: "He looked around him. Where he was, it was not earth.I don't really have anything knew, just that I'd still like a little more description and and I think you flesh out that fight scene a little more. How does he knock over have of them as he flies through the air? Does he knock over a few and that creates a domino effect? Does he move at superspeed and is able to knock over many of them? I'm having a hard time picturing exactly how this happened. Description would help too. Is there lots of shouting. Is the sound of shots deafening or does are the guns quiet? What does it felt like when he collides with the guards? Does he feel soft flesh? or maybe he hits hard metal? Is there any blood? Answer some of these questions or even different questions could really help the story.
I have just three little grammar nitpicks as well.
I'd like to know why he realized he wasn't earth, you mention hovercrafts and aliens, but what do the aliens look like? What do they sound like? What does the terrain look like? I'd like to know more about the setting here.
It's sometimes okay to switch tenses in a piece, but you never want to go from past to present in the same sentence.
And that's all, Thanks for sharing!
-Art
He uses gravity to knock them over. Thanks for the review!!
Heya! I'm here to review as I said I would.
I'd suggest that you change to [/i]thumping[/i] as opposed to bumping.
Him and wherever need to be split up. You could use a comma or something like he realised that.
I've edited the following for you. And by the way, I love that there's aliens in this story!!
There were hover crafts above, moving at speeds not known to man. Men and women, wait, scratch that. Mr Alien and Mrs Alien walked by, there were hundreds if not thousands of, extra-terrestrial beings. He didn't know what to do. Where to go. He only knew his name.
He stood in front of the bench and looked up at the alien man thing. He asked for some food. He got none.
You need a full stop after over. Instead of stormed in all there change it to stormed in with their.
Capital letter for they!
Oh no! Let me know when you publish the next chapter, I'd love to read and review it for you! That was a great, intense way to finish the chapter because now I really want to read on and find out what happens!
Thanks for asking me to review this amazing story! Those are all the things that you need to fix, everything else is fine.
WHAT?! NO! HE CANNOT JUST SURRENDER!!!
Oh, whoops, got a little carried away
Time to review. Okay. *exhales* Other then some grammar mistakes it was AWESOME!! Although I do think it would be good for your story if you find some ways to tell us (your readers) how Burrow feels without 'telling' us.
Please post more soon.
Nikki
Thanks, yeah I will try that thanks for the suggestion. I plan to write some more soon.