Burrow stood in front of the door. He was quiet for a moment and unmoving; he watched the lifeless people type away.
He started to become uncomfortable, he started to think maybe Mason didn't want it this way. That maybe he didn't want his friend, his brother, to throw away his life in a act of stupidness, with no regard for his life.
Though in a way, what he was doing, the way he wanted to throw away his life in an experiment, maybe Mason might agree. Maybe he would be happy for Burrow, happy that he would have nothing to do with the complex anymore.
His mind burned in frustration, his palms started to sweet and steam. He clenched his hands into a fist trying to regain control of his emotions. He hoped that Mason would agree with what he was planning to do. That Mason would understand that his goal wasn't to throw away his life in an attempt to take away the burden of his emotion, of what he had lost.
He rubbed his hands on his pants, wiping away the last signs of stress. He tried to stop thinking, to just continue what he was doing. Perhaps maybe Mason wouldn't care, perhaps he didn't either.
He grunted in frustration; he was losing to the power of stress, letting it take control of him, of his life. He stopped his thoughts, he stopped thinking and walked ahead slowly.
The science wing was unlike the rest of the complex. It was different: it provided hope, unlike the hate and loss that was found in every other nook and cranny of the complex. It was a place he had already started to like, the bright blue room full of windows and paintings, revealed a feeling that Burrow didn't normally feel.
This room, this place, didn't show the endless mistakes the earth made. It didn't show what the world was truly becoming. It was like a small part of heaven, showing earth's true wonders. It made him walk up and give his life away.
***
Burrow stood there, he had been shoved in a room and told nothing. He was made to wait while pure darkness invaded the room. He heard the door lock, though he didn't care. The lights started to brighten. It awoke the room. For a moment he was blinded, his eyes adjusting from the war between light and dark.
The room was still empty, but the white interior surrounding him bought back the hatred of the complex. He didn't care.
The lights started to flicker as a screen opened on the wall in front, as if it was covered by a sheet of white. The lights flickered again as the screen started to grow in clarity. It started grey as if it was broken, but it started to shine with colour, and the video commenced:
Earth was ruled by man, and there was harmony on Earth. In the year 2300, extra-terrestrial beings invaded, destroying our peaceful life. In 2310 the Kindor retreat from Earth, and men defend it boundaries. There is confirmed loss of life of 3 billion people. In 2360 the earth is again attacked and the southern hemisphere obliterated with a confirmed loss of life of 1 billion people. With half the Earth destroyed, revenge was needed. The Planet war began.
Burrow lost it. He ran at the screen and all his anger flowed into kick after punch. "I've had it", he screamed. "Iof-of your lies, you say your all right YOUR WRONG!" he shouted letting his emotions go out through his voice, tears sprayed over his face, anger swelled up inside him. Hatred burned through his hands. The loss went out through the blood of his fists. A arm grabbed him, tried to stop him, HE DIDNT CARE, soldiers crawled through the room trying to stop him. "AHHH" Burrow screamed throwing one last punch, smashing the already destroyed face of the so called great leader.
His emotions and stress, his anxiety and depression, were all winning. The truth of his state was revealed through his anger and frustration as he fell, as the soldiers restrained him, as he was injected. He heard a scream, someone who knew how he felt, how the present hatred destroyed his body, his soul.
***
His eyes opened, with a blur, his mouth opened with a gasp and his mind opened with a burn.
He took time to adjust, and read the situation. His arms were bound to the chair, his mouth was free to speak but he couldn't find the words. He felt like he was in the same room, the one before, but something was different.
He felt that Mason was fading, the he was fading. he was leaving this world. He didn't care anymore. He was used to it, that he had given up. That whatever came next, well he didn't care.
A women stood in front of him a few metres back, she like everyone here, held no emotion, no feelings, like mindless robots. She didn't speak to Burrow, she wrote her notes and left.
Unlike normal people, he should be bored by know. But his mind was to well dead, voices seemed to control him screaming his hate for the complex.
A man came in the room, he looked at Burrow with and interest, that was something new, he thought. The man walked over to a chair, he swung it up and walked over to Burrow.
He slumped down on the chair, daring to throw a smile Burrows way, "hello" the man paused after he spoke waiting fro a response, but Burrow didn't respond. He held no manners when it came to the complex. "Well, I'm Lewis, and from what I hear you are Burrow". The man hesitated then continued.
"From what I read here, well you have quiet a interesting life". he started reading out the facts. Burrow didn't care, it wasn't new to him. "Brother to dead Marine. Son to ex- General, 2 counts of assault, 1 count of well a lot of minor crimes, but yet you still find yourself in the army. And willing to do this, may I ask why?" Burrow looked up and stared the man in the eyes, "I want to forget" he said flatly.
"Well I don't think that you know who we are, I regret to say we cant provide you with what you want". 'great, just great' thought Burrow. "Though we have an alternate option to change your existing life, an opportunity to be forgiven". Burrow looked back up and uttered one word "What?"
The man smiled at him, "It has already begun".
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Burrow.3.Points:
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I read the first chapter and I just had to keep going!! You can count that as a good sign =). That means its an interesting novel. And when you have an interesting novel that means you will get more reviews that's for sure. I really liked how you let us know who the Mason guy was. I was kind of curious.
Okay so here:
He slumped down on the chair, daring to throw a smile Burrows way, "hello" the man paused after he spoke waiting fro a response, but Burrow didn't respond. He held no manners when it came to the complex. "Well, I'm Lewis, and from what I hear you are Burrow". The man hesitated then continued.
The formatting wasn't quite right.
Try something like this:
He slumped down on the chair, daring to throw a smile Burrows way, "Hello, I'm Lewis, and from what I hear you are Burrow" the man paused after he spoke waiting for a response, but Burrow didn't respond.He held no manners when it came to the complex.
The man hesitated then continued (And so on)
Thanks mate
Hi there!
Sorry, been busy and all that.
It's about time I got around to reading this again
Just a quick nitpick:
At the end of the previous chapter, Burrow had walked into the room. Now he's standing in front of the door. I guess I'm just having a hard time picturing where exactly he's standing. I'd suggest saying something like, "He stopped just inside the room" or something like that. Because when I read 'in front of the door' I imagine him standing outside the room looking at the door.
This was all I was looking for in the first chapter when Mason was mentioned. It's fine to drop names like that and leave us wondering, but it really did leave me confused and it felt like more of an annoyance than anything else. Now I know that Mason was his brother, which is all I need to know at the moment. I'm actually looking forward to knowing more about Mason, but knowing that he's Burrow's brother is good enough for me now.
I really like Burrow's relationship with Mason. Although we really know nothing about their sibling relationship, we know that Burrow really cares about him. Dead or alive or missing, Mason is a key part of Burrow's life. And you don't just tell us that; you show us. The way Burrow wonders if what he's doing would be approved by Mason and how he's always second guessing himself because of Mason definitely develops the two characters and their relationship. When we finally meet Mason, or don't because he's dead, which I'm assuming he is (don't tell me if I'm right or not!
One thing I think you can add to the beginning part (the part before the asterisks) is a description of the room he's entered. I don't think you gave a description last chapter and I think it would really help your story come along at this point. What exactly does everything look like? You mention the lifeless people, but who else is there? Are there long tables? White walls? White floors? A chalkboard on the front wall? Give us a closer look at the room so we can get a clear picture in our heads. To be honest, descriptions are something that I struggle with a lot. But they're always so important and can really add another dimension to your writing. Sometimes you have to force yourself to write out the descriptions, but soon enough it'll become second nature.
If this room brought thoughts of hatred to his mind he actually did care
One quick thing about dialogue: whenever a new character speaks there should be a paragraph break. That way the readers will easily be able to decipher which character is speaking. Sometimes it can get confusing when more than one character is talking at once.
The story is moving along pretty well. You've definitely pulled us in and kept our interest. Burrow seems like an interesting character that's full of hate and determination. I like him. You've definitely given me a lot to think about as we read on. In the first chapter we were left wondering where Burrow was and what was going on there. Now we know a bit more. It's a time far in the future and there were aliens that invaded the earth. So I'm left wondering what exactly Burrow and this complex has to do with all this. I can't wait to find out more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks, I will think about this. I' m already up to chapter 15 for burrow, just not posting it, I'm doing it for NaNo
Also, I am working on getting better at showing not telling, I always remind myself when I write, slowly improving...
Hey Jack!
I'm back to check out your second chapter of this new series I think I'm going to follow. There's already a bunch of chapters to this; you write a lot, which is very good.
Despite some good feedback, I decided to go through your previous chapter to get a better view of your writing before I headed into your following parts. I think that was a good idea, as while your first chapter was fairly short, I did pick up on a lot of stuff. Now, your second chapter is longer, and there's a lot more which could use improvements. I guess it helped ease my way into it.
As with the previous part, there continues to be a bunch issues both within grammar and punctuality. This, in addition to some sub par story elements. I'm going to bring up a lot of them as I go on, because I believe repetition helps a lot in hammering in these errors. I've actually followed a lot of series like this on YWS, and it's always cool to see the writing improve over time. You're already doing better than some others end results I've seen, so I can only assume your writing is going to end up amazing.
Overall, there's not that much I'll bring up. Just a couple of things.
Namely, your writing is still suffering from a pretty big case of show, don't tell. Most of your paragraphs read very stiff and for the most part, your lines still consist of 'he did this', 'he did that' etc. You'll get a better hang on pronouns after a while, but 'show, don't tell' needs work. I'm not picturing what is happening, I'd want you to describe more. More on the locations, every little thing he does, his feelings etc. And the use of italics to signify his thoughts adds a lot. I'll get to that later.
Then secondly, your story. There's still not a lot to grab onto, but I'm sort of liking it. The military base aspect, as well as the background history about the alien invasion is interesting. It has a lot of cool potential for good science fiction. Or, goofy, awesome Starship Troopers fun. We'll see.
Alright, that's pretty much it, so I'll write as I go along:
Small deal, but at the end of the previous chapter you said he walked inside. A quick edit would fix it. As in; 'Burrow stood just inside the door.'
Edit
A bit too much word repetition in this paragraph and the next one. I quick change from 'started' to 'began' and the removal of an unnecessary 'maybe', and it reads a lot smoother.
Edit
'Stupidness' is not a correct word. Quick edit.
Edit
You could totally change that last comma to a semicolon.
Edit
Fast typo.
Edit
Seeing as he clenches both hands, it would be 'fists' rather than 'a fist'. Also added a comma. If in doubt, try to say your lines out loud. If there's a natural pause in there, throw in a comma.
Edit
Good place for another semicolon.
Edit
Even better.
I have no idea what to take from this. You didn't really describe the room, and I know nothing of the outside world to compare it with. In addition, if the room has windows; how does it not show the same thing as the complex outside does?
Edit
Small edit.
... I don't care.
I actually noticed in the previous chapter that you wrote the American spelling of 'realized', yet in this one you are using the British version of 'colour'. Generally, try sticking to one.
Alright, now we've come to the video projection. While I do like that we now have some more background information about this world and how aliens invaded, twice even, I still have issues with it. That of course being; this was a big exposition to drop. This did not read naturally and just came across as an information dump to get out as much background as fast as possible.
Why would they even show him this video? He already knows this. The video seemed to stop there, so there wasn't anything else they were showing him. You had to get the information out there somehow, but this was sort of blundered.
Edit
Some typos in the video message. Also added a comma.
This last part of the video was kind of lame. Revenge? Really? I would rather have worded this as a strategic fight for survival or something. And wasn't the planet war already on at this point? After the initial attack? Or are the people of Earth waging war on each other for some reason now?
Edit
A lot of stuff in this one. There's a wrongly place letter at the beginning, axed that. I fixed a few typos and added a comma. You also used full-on caps here. Please avoid that. It's a huge sign of telling, and not showing. Describe how he is angry and shouting, don't use CAPS TO GET THE POINT ACROSS!
Back to those typos, they are pretty common:
You're - You are
Your - Ownership
Common issue, but easy to master once you remember it.
Edit
Fixed a typo and added a semicolon. Again, I would advice against the caps. As well as the repetition of 'he didn't care'.
They... crawled through the room?
Instead of spelling it out like this, just write that he screamed as he threw a last punch. I'm also unsure who the great leader is? Do you mean the tv?
Suggestion
Very muddled line. A quick suggestion to clear it up.
Remove the first comma.
This is a very good line. I like it.
Edit
Added some italics and capitalized a letter.
I don't like how you use 'well' like this. It doesn't fit with the narration. You use it a lot during this last part too. Obviously, it's fine during dialogue, as characters are speaking, but try leaving it out of the narration.
Edit
Another British spelling here, edit because I think you're shooting for US. Also changed some punctuation and added a word.
Edit
Some punctuation and word removal. I put his thoughts in italics. Try to remember that. It adds a lot.
Edit
Typo.
Edit
Another typo.
Instead of writing down the actual numerical numbers, I'd write them out instead. As in; 'Two counts of assault, one count of a lot of minor crimes,'.
Edit
Forgot the apostrophe.
Edit
I added these thoughts into italics as well.
Alright, that's pretty much all I'll comment on. A lot to grasp on to in this chapter, but I'm sure I can focus more and more on the story once it really kicks in and your grammatical errors eventually decreases. For now though, we'll hammer in the issues!
In the end, I'm kind of interested in seeing where this goes. The prospect of these aliens and where they are right now is intriguing. I want to know more about this complex he lives in, as well as this science department he's hanging with at the moment.
Despite having problems with your writing right now, that won't matter for too long. You are writing a lot! If you continue this way, so many of these small issues are going to disappear. Then your story will shine. I'll be reading those soon, as I get to your following chapters.
Keep it up, Jack!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks for the review. Firstly thanks so much for the grammar tips, I will try and get to them soon. Next they show the video to spick his emotion. They knew he had emotions towards it. I am already up to chapter 15, just editing it:)
Thanks
Aww, his bother is dead?! bugger. I was looking forward to meeting him. Though, I guess I did also kind of expect it.
A really good chapter, and I'm enjoying where this is going. Looking forward to seeing what kind of experiments are performed on Burrow, and his awesome, awesome name.
Can't believe his dad was a general. That pretty cool. Military runs in the family, I guess.
Well done! ^_^ I look forward to the next chapter.
But, once again, for people who are grammar obsessed, it would be a good idea to go over the story, and fix uo a couple mistakes.
"Yiu have quiet an interesting life," should be changed to "you have lead an interesting life," because his life isn't over yet.
Small stuff like that, for example. And An instead of An in certain spots.
Keep writing your story, and I'll keep reading it! ^_^
Have a nice day!
Thanks
Hey there, let me start with the good stuff this time.
should be "From what I read here, well you have quiet a interesting life."This piece has really nice pacing. It keeps the action up and propels the reader into the next chapter, since that's often the hardest thing to fix, it's awesome that you've got in down.
This is my third review, so let me just some up the thing that have been mentioned in past reviews that are still relevant here.
1. The use of the word that and felt(don't do it).
2. Thought verbs(don't use them)
3. Run-on sentences
4. The over-use of the word "He didn't care."
New grammar things:
1. the place on punctuation in dialogue. It goes inside the quotation mark, not outside it. Also, you always need a punctuation mark at the end of dialogue. You had a Hello that need a comma. Here's an example:
If you're looking to be published, know that dialogue should rarely be capitalized, and anything other than dialogue should never capitalized. Also, numbers should be "one" not "1".
Here's some other examples of things that need to be fixed.
Since these are two independent clauses they need to be separated by a period or semicolon.
One other little comment is that the paragraphs at the beginning seamed a little disconnected or redudant. His palms are sweating, he's thinking about his brother Mason and he's groaning in frustration, but it all felt really choppy. Try combining things, making it more concise, or linking each of his reactions together and show how each one leads to the next. Maybe start with the sweaty palms and then move to the thought proccess.
And there we go, let me know if you have any questions!
Thanks again!!
Hey.
This is really amazing! I mean it's so great the way it is proceeding gradually. And the best part is that you're actually keeping the reader hooked. The thing you're doing with reveling tiny bits here and there is just brilliant. Once again, work on the grammar a bit.. Otherwise, well done.. Can't wait to read more..
Keep Writing!
Harshita
Thanks a heap!!!! I will work on my grammar, and I wills tart writing the next chapter!!
Okay, so you need to work on your grammar. There were quite a few things that needed capitalizing. I would recommend going through and editing your story before posting it. It would help it make the story clearer and more understandable.
I like how in this chapter you give the reader a bit more information, as well as continue to build up the suspense. Good job.
Nikki
Thunks
It is quite interesting. The way you start, and reveal a part of the back story bit by bit, is great. You describe the whole scenario well.
And I liked this line quite a bit-
''The room, the place, it didn't show the endless mistakes the earth made, it didn't show what the world was truly becoming.''
Your last line, changes the entire perception of the people and the place. It leaves me thinking and wondering-What next?
How are you planning to proceed?
Good work!
Thankyou!!