Burrow.11.

by Burrow

Published December 1, 2014

E - Everyone

In Tronlin Chronlicles

Burrow: Chapter 11

He lost them in a small shop, that seemed to be trying to sell, well I’m not going to even bother to explain, let’s just say it isn’t natural, and not on earth. Its large brown wooden walls, and the giant oak door, reminded Burrow of earth. He had gone up to the counter trying to blend in. He thought maybe he would buy some food, but well that wasn’t really an option.

He gave up and walked out to the street. What usually would be the road but instead it was like giant walkway, people seemed to walk into every store, and come up with a new hair style, or a new tat, but either way. This was the weirdest place he had ever been-period.

He tried to blend into the crowd, he hadn’t realised before but he seemed to be in some sought of hoodie slash a cloak. He considered covering himself in it, but he knew that would just be downright suspicious. 

Instead he kept walking, trying to find a human friendly hotel, or diner. In the end he resorted to a small looking bed and breakfast. There wasn’t any reason he could find, that he wasn't aloud in. He walked in and surprisingly he found himself face to face with a large burly looking man, with an overgrown beard, and could have stayed away from that extra burger or two. He walked forward, when he realised he had no money, now he was stuffed.

“Ah look, I don’t know how to explain this but”. He was cut off by the man who gave him a huge smile. “From Hurker, I see, well either way humans stay for free, there is food in your room, and you can stay for as long as you want. Room number is 20, please don’t cause any trouble”. He added with a large smile, coughing up some Ale through his rustic beard.

Burrow didn’t know what to say, he hesitated, and took the key. He looked up at the man and said thank you. He was so surprised by all of this he didn’t bother to ask any questions. He just walked up the wooden stairs, for being so modern, he felt like he had gone back to the dark ages, which was nice.

He lay on his single bed, looking out the far window watching the ships fly past and people walk around. He had settled in and had a shower, though not like anything he had before. Inside the bathroom there was what seemed like body suite. You would go in zip it up and press the switch, bam you’re clean. Burrow already liked this place.

He had found the room though to be very ordinary, nothing special to admire. It had a simple single bed, white sheets, and a small olden desk, with a few dusty books. In the end he found himself looking into the distance, large moutons towered the small city; he sat planning on what to do next. He didn’t know but he knew he couldn’t stay here. Maybe humans were welcome, but he wanted answers and he wouldn’t find them here.

He heard a knock on the door after a while, he took his time to get up and answer it, wondering what he would say, and would it be a large thank you or, a load full of questions, which had been bugging him since he had arrived, at this odd hotel.

When he opened the door he was greeted by the man who had so graciously let him stay. He smiled at him and Burrow waited to see what he had to say. “Well I hope you are enjoying your stay, as is customary for us humans, we like to gather around the mess hall for dinner, which is in about half an hour, if you wish to join us, just go down stairs and you will see the directions from there”. The man smiled back at Burrow when he finished. “Oh and it is also seen as important if you are well in better condition, then well this”. 

He pointed his head towards Burrows cloths, he was right but there was a line between telling the truth and just being plan rude. This man was bordering it. Yes he may have given him his room, but he didn’t even ask for it, well he hadn’t had the chance. “You can find cloths in your cupboard”. The man looked up and down Burrow as he spoke, and then walked off with a smug look on his face. 

He just proved Burrows point. He found himself still staring outside the door thinking; he closed it quickly not wanting to bump into anyone else.

He was starting to question were he really had ended up.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Burrow
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Burrow commented Comment · Dec 2, 2014

Oh and also, I wrote this chapter like 4 weeks ago, for NaNo so I have been applying show don't tell more and so on.

ThereseCricket wrote a review Review · Dec 1, 2014

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Firstly, I was wondering about the font that you used for this. I know this isn't technically something that a reviewer would talk about, but at least for me it was pretty hard to read in such small and strange print. I'm not talking about how it was hard, as in I'm blind, but as in was just different and kinda tiresome to read. :) Might be simpler.

The first thing that I think I should comment on is your sentence structure. I noticed that you have a lot of sentences that are in want of a conjunction. I'll show you one as an example, and then let you pick out the rest when you edit.

He tried to blend into the crowd, he hadn’t realised before but he seemed to be in some sought of hoodie slash a cloak.


Here, you have two elements in your sentence. The first one is perfectly fine, but then we see the second one and if you don't fix it... then you could almost get away with a semi-colon and it would look fine. Not something you want to do, as semi-colon's aren't always the best to use in writing. But what you can do to even out your sentences is to use conjunctions! Examples of conjunctions are: as, and, an, that, but, ect.., Here I'd suggest you use that to even out this sentence. Would help most of all with the flow.

I honestly can't remember if I've talked to you about this, but there's one other thing that you could possibly work on, and that is show, don't tell. That's probably something you've heard a lot about since you've joined YWS as we enjoy preaching about it, but it's something that is extremely important when writing.

When writing you want your reader to get an amazing visual in their head. But, by telling you can't get that visual! Normally all telling does is give you the basic information to get the outline of everything, but nothing beyond that. Instead of rambling on about it for years, as I probably would if given the chance, here's a link that should really help you out]. This link was extremely useful and was written very well by one YWS'er. I, got tons of info from it and also I thought that my writing had improved after reading it, so I would suggest you read it and try to apply it in your writing. Just remember that you want to excite emotion in the reader, a happy or sad feeling--it doesn't matter. As long as it's the emotion that you want for the circumstance.

Well I hope you are enjoying your stay, as is customary


Comma after well.

Oh and it is also seen as important if you are well


Comma after oh.

He found himself still staring outside the door thinking; he closed it quickly not wanting to bump into anyone else.


Bleeh, to the semi-colon. It breaks up the flow in this sentence I think, but it's really just a matter of opinion. I'd suggest trying to add a conjunction to it, and play around with the wording to see how you can get around using a semi-colon. :)

Okay, that is all for nitpicks. This review may be a bit shorter than usual, as this work is shorter than usual. Also, I've been noticing that you are having fewer and fewer grammatical mistake, as you progress and write more. I'd say that you really need to just focus on your writing style and developing it more. But that will come as you write. You are doing absolutely splendid so far, and please tell me when you post more.

Keep writing!

~Cricket

Burrow replied · Dec 2, 2014

Thanks for he review, as for the font I posted it on another computer, like a apple, one and it all stuffed up sorry

User avatar
Josie98
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Josie98 wrote a review Review · Dec 1, 2014

Hey Burrow!

Ok here to write a review! :) Looking forward to this chapter since I read the few ones before! I am coming in at the middle of the story! :) But Im going to do the best I can!
First off I wanna say your print is tiny!!! :) Haha one thing I have been loving about this site is how large the print is! I usually have to have glasses when reading for any length of time! But reading with glasses on the computer has always given me a headache! So if you wouldnt mind blowing the print up I think everyone would agree it is much easier to read. :) Thanks! :)

"He thought maybe he would buy some food, but well that wasn’t really an option." * Put a comma between "but" and "well"! It kinda mashes together if you dont and doesnt really sound good!

"What usually would be the road but instead it was like giant walkway, people seemed to walk into every store, and come up with a new hair style, or a new tat, " (ect) The first part of this sentence doesnt really sound right! If I read over it several times or continue reading and then go back it kinda makes sense, but when your reading you dont want to have to go back and reread something several times! So I would suggest just tweaking the wording a little! :)

"This was the weirdest place he had ever been-period." *nothing to suggest on this part, but I just wanted to throw in... I LOVE it! :) I was just reading a long and the way you worded this made me smile! Great idea there. Im glad you stuck that "period" in there! Added a little spice to this sentence!!!

"He tried to blend into the crowd, he hadn’t realised before but he seemed to be in some sought of hoodie slash a cloak" Im noticing this with all your posts actually...;) Im guessing you have auto correct!! :) haha cause all your "sort" (s) turn into "sought" :) haha so watch out for that! It happened in this sentence as well! :) And then remove the "a" right before "cloak" :)

"There wasn’t any reason he could find, that he wasn't aloud in." In this sentence it should be "allowed" not "aloud" ;)

"He walked in and surprisingly he found himself face to face with a large burly looking man, with an overgrown beard, and could have stayed away from that extra burger or two." Your brilliant!!! :) I love your wording here with "staying away from a burger or two" ;) very nice play on words there!! :)

Sounding good! I love it! Your doing a great job! You got me smiling in a few places! :) Good luck with editing it, and cant wait to read more!!! :)

Burrow replied · Dec 1, 2014

The computer stuffed up, it wasn't that small when i posted it...

Burrow replied · Dec 1, 2014

Thanks though for the review!

Josie98 replied · Dec 1, 2014

Oh ok!!! :) haha I didnt have much truoble with this post, but it is so much easier for me if the letters are bigger and I think everyone would agree it is easier to read large print, but yeah that was kinda just a side note...;) No problem, I love reading your work! You do a great job!

Burrow replied · Dec 1, 2014

Thanks I will try and fix it know



someone hide fried pickles in my tree
— Iggy