Me tried to step forward silently. His mission was the destruction of Wolden's leader. It was to be a quickly in and quickly out attempt, to start a civil war by killing a leader. He was a Tronlin, who was tasked with the destruction of any human, any intergalactic being, though he did not like it.
Me let the men and women swarm around him, walking around with their everyday business. He didn't want to kill civilians, there was no need. He pulled his black blood stained hoddie further down, covering his piercing bright blue eyes. He looked for an alley way, or a small hidden room, where he could transform.
He found a small public bathroom. Its blue sign above indicated to Men that he was allowed in, though that didn't mean that there would be no objections. He was a Tronlin after all. Walking on the grey pavement and peering at the cracks under his feet, reminded Me of home, it reminded Me of life before the day.
Me barged into a bathroom cubicle before he was noticed by anyone who might be watching. His hands left sweat on the clean white walls. He sat on the toilet for a moment, mulling over what should come next. He eventually came to a decision. He transformed, ready to start a civil war.
***
Suddenly the walls around where Me had been smashed into pieces, as his large brown fur coat expanded and as he grew as big as a bear, as he began to look like a tiger and as he began roaring like a lion. He looked at the shocked people in front of him and his roar sent spit into their surprised faces and terror into their hearts. He didn't hurt them though, they were not the target.
He smashed a hole through the outside door, as he was to small to fit through it. The cracked concrete and wood splinters sprayed over the slowly growing crowd. He started to run on four paws, but soon he had to walk for fear he would hurt others. His brown fur stood out in the crowd, but he would not have to stay this way for long as the task at hand would soon be over.
He looked ahead and smiled, his pearly white fangs frightening the shocked onlookers. They were getting in the way, and it was becoming increasingly hard to get the job done before the police arrived.
He made a decision. "Kneel humans! I command you!" Me shouted up into the foggy air. They all did so slowly, cowering before the might of Me. Me smiled in a way, if his form would even allow his mouth to do so.
"Where is Connor? I know you are here. I was told, I want you Connor! Or your people will all die!" Me shouted, waiting for a response.
He was becoming impatient. A woman was leaning down and facing the concrete, her blonde hair flying in the wind. Me looked down at her, regretting what he planned to do next.
But Me was interrupted by an echoing shout. "Me, I am here, and you are dead to me!"
It was Connor and a squad of police. He had hoped Jude would be alone, but now that was a hopeless wish.
"It is your death soldier!" Me shouted back.
End of chapter
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Chrissy here for a review!
Maybe something beside Walking around. Makes me think of walking in circles.
He's trying not to be noticed, so maybe he shouldn't be covered in blood.
You used As to many times and you might want to cut that up into two sentences.
I think you mean too big to fit through.
You need to tell us what he is going to do, or at least imply it.
Hope and hopeless are too much alike. You might want to get rid of one of them.
Well, so far, I really like it, Burrow! Me is a strange, alien, sort of character. He struck me, as a monster that doesn't want to be one. Kinda lonely too.
Keep writing! I'll try to review the next one soon.
Thanks, firstly he can not help he is covered in blood, so yeah. Also thanks for pointing out the do small thing, though, the bit were I needed to be explained, well I left it untouched, and for your imagination, because he was interrupted by Jude. any way thanks
Jack
This is really cool, I enjoyed reading this very much.
I do not know the story very well but I assure you I will be reading after this.
This looks to be a very suspenseful chapter and its done perfectly, in my opinion.
I really like the use of your descriptive words in this chapter its very detailed and im going to enjoy reading it.
Thankyou
Weee! Another Tronlin chapter. I kinda got hooked on to this Tronlin thing so it's your fault burrow. Kyahaha!!!
I enjoyed reading this.
Thanks!
Like thnakyou so much
Hey Jack, Flite here for a review!
Spelling mistake here. 'Hoddie' should be hoodie. Also, when you're putting two adjectives together is best to insert a comma between them. Otherwise, the sentence doesn't flow as smoothly.
Piercing and bright have pretty similar meanings, putting the two together will just lessen the impact that one of them would have. Remember sometimes less is more.
Omit the first 'to' , because it has already being implied. There's quite a lot that has been left unsaid in that sentence. Is a public toilet right? Why would there be any objections, I don't remember any racial discrimination being mentioned here. But I've never been good with family relationship and racial bonds and what not. If there wold be objections because he is a Tronlin, then tell us why there would be objections. If you're holding back answers, this isn't one of the best moments. This is one of those things that needs to be explained so the situation would make sense, it's a crucial piece of background information.
That is a lot of 'as' in that sentence, trust me. You don't need the 'as' save for the first 'as' because the first one is basically automatically applied to the following. Ok, so he ran into a cubicle and transformed into this half bear, wolf creature. I thought he didn't want people to notice that he had changed, would doing it in a bathroom really be the best place? Wouldn't a small, hidden alleyway be a better idea? I mean no walls to smash through, a bathroom is pretty cramped, and a public toilet in plain view?
Considering the size in which he transformed too, and that public toilets are usually pretty small. I doubt there'd still be a door there.
Is it weird that I spent a while chuckling over this, is really funny. Imagining this wolf/bear like creature commanding the humans. I mean, is a bit eccentric and sudden on Me's part really, but I suppose it'd work. What I want to ask is, does Me have any special powers over the humans? Any hypnotizing power to make them listen? Mental persuasion? If not, wouldn't the humans be screaming, running for the police. I don't think they'd just calmly stare at him with shock on their faces, and then just kneel down because he told them to. The reaction is a bit unrealistic, throw in some description about how terrified the humans are. Imagine this wolf/bear creature just came lurching out of a toilet one day, would you stare at it (you probably would for a second because your mind starts freaking out) then run for your life or at least make some sound.
So, most of the writing in this chapter has been good. Better than Jude's and I'm starting to see improvements in both your writing and the the content. But the dialogue seems very flat here, it has no life and sounds quite force. Dialogue that’s all surface, with no hidden meaning or emotion, is flat. And readers will grow quickly bored with flat dialogue. What you've written above is one of the things in dialogue that you don't want to touch. Is what we call a direct question and answer. The title basically says it all, is a straight-forward hit and answer situation. And that really makes it no fun for the readers, I highly doubt that Jude would go in as simple as that. The whole dialogue between them is very simple, a simple exchange. But the entire chapter has been building up to that climax, what I imagined was that there would a lot more tension.
There isn't a lot of subtext in the dialogue either, but there should be, why? Because Me is confronting Jude obviously for something that Jude had done. I know it is a habit of yours to keep answers back to hook the readers in, but I cannot stress the importance of knowing when to pull that. Pull that too earlier, like now and your dialogue will fall flat.
You need to put some subtext into what Me is saying, even a brief explanation on what Jude has done would have suffice. A sentence or two, doesn't have to be a lengthy explanation. just a foreshadowing as to what is to come, and wouldn't Jude at least try and calm down Me.
*groans* Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Jack. You didn't. That is the worst line to end on, it is extremely cliche and typical and reminds me of those cheesy cartoon villains. Please please end this on a better line that reflects Me's personality then that. Saying that line just reminds me of those....once again..cartoons.
Alright, so overall. I liked this better than Jude, partially because the content in here actually made sense and your writing has better descriptions and doesn't have much redundant words. The first chapter seems to be going along nicely, if I have anything to say it'd be that you could show us some more emotions on Me's part apart from just action. And I think the ending scene was a bit too fast for the situation to be played out realistically. I'm curious as to what exactly Me is, and his relationship with Jude.
Keep writing and keep me updated!
-Flite
Thanks for the help, could you help me how to change the dialogue, because when ever I try, people complain about info dumps....
Sure, I will PM you some information on it.
Thanks!