He felt that every time he went over the past that his life was repeating. He felt that he was constantly giving his life away in a attempt to get away from his past at the complex. But what he didn't know was that he was getting closer, becoming an asset of the complex.
A week had passed since his first meeting with Lewis, the man in the white coat, the one who revealed his future to him. He had learned, to his great surprise, what in fact the experiment was.
Once the purpose of the experiment was revealed to him he knew that Mason wouldn't agree with him participating in it, and he didn't want to either. He was told it would be for good: good for the complex and good for earth. They were wrong, it was for greed, and it was for that reason that Burrow was made to continue.
He knew the only way to uncover the truth, was to cover yourself in their lies, and to show everyone the truth.
Burrow had been made to learn and master his new abilities. The experiment, or the injection, was what Burrow would call a miracle. It changed the laws of physics and it changed the way humans saw science.
At the start he had decided to make the best of the situation and this was what he did. He learnt his new ability and he mastered it.
***
Burrow woke up every morning dreading the task that was set for him. But he soldiered on, and soon that was only possible through shutting his mind down to his emotions and his memory. By doing this he started to enjoy himself.
Each morning the complex would set him task, to try and determine the extent of his powers. To his amazement, there was no end that could be found. Each day he could lift a new object, he could change the direction of gravity so well that at one point he managed to move a whole battalion of men, from one point to another.
He was told he was their special asset, the person who would win the war. He would win a war of greed...
The truth would come out, it always does.
***
Burrow walked towards the mess hall. He was instructed to meet Lewis, to train and to experiment on his powers. That was how Lewis put it, and Burrow didn't mind.
He found himself once walking the complex hallways. They all seemed to hold no emotion, though this wasn't true. Hate ran through the walls and greed permeated the air.
He walked past many windows, which all revealed the inner area of the complex. There was giant machines and large buildings full of weaponry. People trained, and everyone and everything here were weapons, all bent on destruction.
He decided to test himself, to test his boundaries. He focused and he felt the particles float around him, he felt the air stand still. He felt it move and he flew ahead ,
sliding his finger along a window, leaving a long finger print. He flew along, .
He reached Lewis later, his face was full of curiosity, something only found in scientists. He didn't acknowledge Burrow, he was to busy reading a small note book he held in his hand. he started to walk away from Burrow, didn't bother to walk he flew again. He let the air flow past him. He felt like a bird flying in the wind. He was in control.
They reached a small room which was grey like most of the complex. Nothing interesting to admire, except her.
Again he found himself surprised. His life again had changed again.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Burrow.4.Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey Jack!
Okay, I'm back to check out your third chapter. I liked some parts in your previous chapters and I'm still overall interested. Though science fiction will rarely lose my interest.
Not that long of a chapter and there's less for me to comment on. There's still a lot I could bring up though, so that might happen.
Overall, there's two things in this chapter that I'd talk about.
Mainly, because it affects the storytelling within the specific chapter, I question what is actually happening to him here. Does Burrow have powers? Magical, or rather telekinetic ones?
Yeah, this whole thing is just sort of thrown at us. You could spend a lot of time writing about this, because it's very interesting. He has awesome powers! But how? All we know is that he has new abilities, which he learns to master. I'd want to see more of him mastering this though, so far this also happened really fast. Suddenly he's mastering it. And all of these powers and abilities came from... the experiment, or injection? I'm also waiting for his 'special' blood to enter into the story again.
The second thing would be this Mason guy. That's his deceased brother, right? The marine. If he's dead, why do you keep mentioning him? It's too much. At this point I'm figuring he might play largely into the story at some point. If he shows up later, you owe me a coke.
Alright, overall there's nothing major I'd bring up, so I'll just write as I go along:
This entire line reads awkward. I'd rearrange it. However, wouldn't it make sense to feel some deja vu when think back over your life? You're obviously thinking about things you've done before. But yeah, I get what you're trying to do. As I said though, it's written awkwardly.
Edit
Awesome place for a semicolon.
Edit
Another one. Especially here where it replaces a comma which this line had a lot of.
Suggestion
Cleared it up a bit.
Edit
Added a comma.
Edit
And added a word here.
Hoping you elaborate on this later.
You use this several times. I feel you are wording it wrong. I'd perhaps write this as; it was for that reason that Burrow decided to continue. Or something to that effect.
Remove the first comma.
Edit
Yeah, I'd remove this entire part. You changed up the narration here. The narrator directly addresses the reader. Now, a lot of this is because I don't like it. But you obviously shouldn't change something just because someone doesn't like it. However, so far, this is the only instance of this happening and the narration seems otherwise solid.
In addition to this, I really feel you, eh, oversold him here?
'The controller of the essence of the Universe', you almost make him sound like a god. But in the end, didn't they just inject him with something? Couldn't they just have used any sort of chump at the compound? Maybe someone who didn't have a rebellious background? And lastly, among the chief reason I'd ditch the line is the fact that it doesn't really connect that well to Burrow. As I read this, I didn't know that Mr. Gravity was Burrow at first.
Edit
Added a word and changed the comma to a semicolon.
Whoa, doesn't this break a few protocols?
Again, hoping for more on both of these. I'm sure they'll come down the line.
Edit
Changed a comma to a semicolon. And 'notebook' is one word.
Now, the start of this line lacks capitalization, however, the rest of it reads very confusing. I'm assuming Lewis walks away and instead of following, Burrow flies after him? I'd clear that up. And Burrow can also fly now? As I said earlier; elaborate on this.
OOooooOOOoo, interesting!
Alright, that's pretty much all I've got. There's some things I skipped, but it doesn't matter.
Overall, I'm interested in what's going on. I wouldn't return to this if I wasn't. The sci-fi aspect is cool, and I want to know more about this complex. And this war. Filled with greed. Your writing is pretty much the same, but I think I'll see that get even better down the line.
You end the chapter pretty well though. Got a new character to meet and maybe even some drama. Good. I'll get to your remaining chapters when I can, bud.
Keep it up, Jack!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks for the review, firstly I Ow you a coke. Next I tend to give as little imformation, but you find out later, I should take out that narrator bit to, and Burrows powers you will get more information later, (im up to chapter 24 know ) and the injection bit it unlocked his power!
Jack
Dude, 24? That is awesome!
I guess I have a lot to get through.
Yeah haha, I'm doing it for NaNo so it wont be posted for a while:)
Thanks gain for the review! oh and I'm up to chapter 27 now
Hey, darling. I have had the pleasure of reviewing the last two chapters of your story, Burrow, so I am fortunately caught up on everything that is going on. I'll start by saying that I can visibly tell the difference between the last chapters and this one. I can tell that you've been doing a better job at fixing the things I mentioned in my previous reviews and edits.
One issue in the first paragraph: Starting a sentence with the word 'but' is a little awkward. I would try to write it like this: "...away from his past at the complex but what he didn't know is that he was closer to becoming an asset of the complex." Or get rid of the word "But" completely.
You say that Mason wouldn't agree with him participating in it and he didn't want to either. I'm a little bit confused as to who you're talking about. He as in Mason wouldn't want to do the study? Or?
Also, in the second to last sentence before the asterisks, you say 'learnt'. That was an interesting choice of a word. The last sentence is kind of random and out there. You change the tone of the story to he, straight into "I" and then you introduce Mr. Gravity but there isn't anything else in the chapter that is about him.
I think that you still have things to work on. There is a little bit more editing to do but I can really tell the difference. I agree with the other person who reviewed your work. With the descriptions and the word that and the feelings your character is feeling. Since I've read the other few chapters, I do feel that some of the content is just transferring over and you're putting the same thing over and over again. You talk about the complex a lot and how the walls are hateful, ect. I think that the story could use some action and excitement.
Keep writing, Jack!
- Nonny
Thanks for the review, Mr gravity is Burrow. Secondly, the action and adventure will start the next Chapter, the earth or the complex, will send him of, or so on something like that, but before I write it I am going to go over the plot and see what the big picture will be.
I kind of have a idea though. The bit were I always talk about the complex, I want to get the fact of how bad the complex is drilled into your mind so it stays there for later on. Yeah I to agree I have been repeating a lot and I will start to stop that... I will make the next Chapter totally different. The action will come soon don't worry. I just really wanted everyone to feel real bad for Burrow, then move on, to well epic action !! ha-ha
Thanks again for the review
Jack
Hey there. I'll start by seeing even though I didn't read the first few chapters, I didn't feel lost, which means that your characters and story make sense and are flowing nicely.
Let's start with some nitpicks!
I only have too, as this was a pretty clean draft. Nice editing!
1. The word that. That is an interesting word in the human language, mostly because it is often used needlessly, and you use it needlessly a lot in this chapter. For example, your second sentence is, "He felt that he was constantly giving his life away in a attempt to get away from his past at the complex." If you take out the "that" it becomes, "He felt he was constantly giving his life away in a attempt to get away from his past at the complex." See? it still makes sense? I recommend reading every sentence without the that and if it makes sense, delete the that.
2. Felt, generally speaking, you don't need to tell us your character "felt" something, just tell us what it is they felt. For example, if we again edit the second sentence, it becomes He was constantly giving his life away in a attempt to get away from his past at the complex." See how it gets to the point so much faster?
In novels, every word counts. Extra words drag down the sentence and make your story less powerful, but the nice thing is they're easy fixes.
Note: I tried to do this with the first sentence, but it didn't quite work. You'd have to majorly rewrite that sentence to get rid of the "that" and "felt" which you may not feel like doing. it's your call.
What I loved:
1. the conflict: You didn't beat around the bush, you got right too what was oppsing Burrow in his life right now, that was awesome.
2. You have some nice, fun, thought-provoking lines in here, I really enjoyed that.
What I think can be improved:
1. Description: It feels just a bit dry, so letting us know what things look like, sound like, feel, smell like, etc... would be nice. You don't want to overdo it, but a little imagery here and there would really help.
2.Where does the story live? As much as possible, you want to live in the present. Yes, stories are generally written in the past tense, but this felt very distant. It was like the narrator was just telling us about distant memories of Burrow's life, You could fix this by fleshing out the scene a little more. Don't just explain things, recreate them for the audience. Make us feel like were right there with Burrow, like we're experiencing things along with him. If you need some ideas on how to do this(adding description is one) let me know.
Overall you have an interesting, suspenseful piece. I'm curious about this world, especially about the complex. I got chills with the way your character treated this word, which is good. Hopefully, I'll review more of this story soon.
Thanks for sharing!
-Art
Thanks for the review, I will try and fix the mistakes ,ad try to be more descriptive in my next few story's.
Thanks!!
Jack