He walked the dirty, scum ridden streets of an alien equivalent of the ghetto. He looked down at his feet as he walked, hiding his face in the cloak. He had stolen from a rotting body, some kind of animal had ate the crap out of.
He didn't know were he was heading. He didn't know what he was hiding from. He just kept walking and he started to blend in with the locals.
It was nearing the alien bed time and he was just about ready to hit the haystack. Though he didn't have anywhere to sleep. His redyed face and bruises didn't help him find a place to bunk down.
He had almost resorted to sleeping in an abandon car/ hovercraft thing. Before he had noticed her. He remembered her, he didn't know how.
He slowly stepped towards her, his feet taking each step carefully, making sure he didn't get seen.
He stood behind her, blending into the crowd. The dim lights and dirty air helped him follow her. At one point she had stoped and turned around. He didn't hesitate, to hover about the roof tops, and blend into the thick fog and become apart of it.
once the girl had turned around, he had lowered himself down, he didn't want to be spotted using his powers. He didn't want to raise suspicion.
The girl had finally stopped at a small building. Covered in peeling paint, topped up with scratched door, full of deep cuts. Not from a human. It was a horrible looking place, not something you would happily call home. But the girl seemed content to walk in.
He walked up to the door at first, pulling his cloak further down covering his face. He considered trying to see if it was locked. Though this might catch her attention. In the end he flew around to the half smashed window, with large glass spicks, preparing to rip apart the body of any intruder. But not everyone was like Burrow.
He slowly drifted in. He lowered his body. he stood in the shadows of the room. It was empty but still...
Burrow moved forward to the door slowly. He took in his surroundings as he walked. It was a simple bedroom, nothing but a bed. The walls were all covered with pictures... of him.
***
He took a step back shocked, but he didn't have time to think, the door started to open.
He shrunk back into the shadows. Away from sight.
The girl walked in. Lay on her bed and turned the hidden light on. Revealing Burrow.
She saw him, she didn't seemed surprised, she didn't seem to care. He stepped forward standing a few metres away from her bed. He took his hood of. Revealing his bloodied and bruised face.
"I was expecting you" the girl said.
Burrow took a step back.
"Brother".
End of chapter
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey Jack!
Whoa, that's a really bad ghetto. Not too fond of this line though. In any case, it needed a couple of edits.I've returned for chapter six. And towards the end of it things are starting to happen, so that's awesome.
Okay, there's not that much I'll bring up this time, but there's still things I could comment on.
I'm mainly glad that you've finally returned to this girl you revealed at the end of one of your earlier chapters. She really intrigued me back then, and now I might finally be reading some more about her and the role she plays within the story. So that's good.
I'm expecting you to explain what happened to Burrow when he was about to meet her, about how he lost some of his memories and how he ended up in this new location we've been in for a while. The scientist dudes were about to do something to him too, right? I'm actually wondering what that was too. Seems you've done a decent job getting me at least slightly invested.
This chapter though, is again very short. We basicly see him stumble about the streets after his escape and he just happens upon the girl from his past. Whoa, what a coincidence.
I'll just quickly mention, as I have in most of your other chapters so far, that you still need to describe more. I can't picture any of this. The alien ghetto (which you had awesome potential with btw), the aliens themselves, or even this girl. You could totally describe her as Burrow is following her. Blonde? Brunette? Redhead? (Redheads are the best)
In my initial readthrough here, I didn't catch as many grammar issues. At least within spelling, though there's still a lot of punctuation which makes your lines read awkward. And in some cases just wrong.
Lastly, there's still a lot of 'show, don't tell' in here as well. I'll try to cover this too.
Anyhow, overall there's not much else I'd say. I'm mostly looking forward to learning about this girl and what they'll do.
I'll quickly go over this and write down what I noticed:
Edit
I thought it was the aliens... right?
Again, this is a place I would need some descriptions of how these aliens look. I have no idea. Burrow, a human, can just blend in with them? How did he do that? Did he aquire a large waistcoat and a hat? TMNT style!
Edit
'Bedtime' would be one word.
I'm... I'm not sure I get this? If you mean he has bruises on his face... then it would be redundant to mention both his face and arms. He has bruises.
Edit
If you're unsure about what to use when writing about something, just resort to different words. In this case: vehicle.
The following line doesn't read all too good. I'll try to clear it up a bit.
Before he could, however, he noticed her. He watched her pass him by through the corner of his eye; he remembered her, yet he didn't know how.
Quick, albeit slightly terrible attempt, I know.
You could totally replace the first comma with a semicolon.
Edit
Hasty typo.
Another one I'll try to clear up a bit.
He didn't hesitate to hover about the rooftops, blending into the thick fog and becoming a part of it.
Edit
Capitalized the first letter and replaced a comma with a semicolon.
Suggestion
Rearranged it and added some.
Edit
Small edit. However, wouldn't he pull the cloak up, rather than down? Unless, of course, he has his cloak pulled over his head. Which would just look silly.
Edit
Replaced 'the' with 'a', seeing as this is the first mention of any smashed window.
Huh?
OooooOOOo. I like this. Creepy, but... yeah, creepy.
Edit
Added a comma and replaced the last comma with a semicolon.
She, she, she. O.o
You gotta improve your sentence structure, mate. I don't know how to fix this without rewriting the entire paragraph. Show, don't tell. Work on it.
Here is another short one. You keep writing all your lines very short, when you can easily lengthen them. I'll do a quick rewrite of this short one.
He pulled back his hood, revealing his bloodied and bruised face.
OOoooOOoo! Quite the twist. This makes it way less sexy though. But maybe they have similar powers then, right? Seeing as they got the same blood? Interesting.
Alright, that's pretty much all I've got. I'm starting to enjoy reading this. It's lacking a lot, sure. But, I guess I'm just getting used to your writing style. Though I'm hoping that somewhat changes down the line. See you in the next chapters!
Keep it up, Jack!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks I totally agree with you on everything, I do need to go through and add stuff, and I really badly need to!
I'm back!
You don't need a full stop after cloak. A comma will do. You do need a full stop after body.
abandonded.
No full stop is needed after building. No comma is neeed after door.
Wow! That's such a huge plot twist how the walls are covered with pictures of Burrow, and I'm amazed that he still has family after all that's happened! I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Thanks, you should get some more in about an hour!!
Oh my goodness! I put an extra 'ed' in abandoned! But you know what I mean.
haha ok
Alright, so this was great. I think that this is probably your best chapter yet. But there were a few things that court my attention. In your first paragraph,
"...hiding his face in the cloak. He had stolen from a rotting body..."
You shouldn't have a full stop here. It just confuses the reader.
Sorry I've run out of time to write any more.
~Nikki
Thanks!!
Nice story keep it up bro
Thanks!!
Well, the cliff hanger at the end was fantastic. XD That's my first thought after I've read all of this. The descriptions in here were excellent, and the story itself was really clever. I like Burrow, it's a creative character name, and the character himself sounds pretty cool. An alien walking through "The Ghetto" is pretty cool, too. It's not something most people would usually think of.
As for the pictures- wow. Super-stalker sister, huh? XD that's clever. Well done, jackm1999. This peice is quite clever. ^_^ I look forward to another interesting story. Haha.
Thanks for the review. Though Burrow isn't actually an alien he is a human, walking through a alien Ghetto. But either way thanks for the review!!