His feet slowly stepped back, his hands felt the coldness of the walls as he backed up shocked.
The girl, his so called "sister". rose from her bed as she tried to explain, tried to explain what was going on. He didn't care what she had to say. No one had that right to make such a statement. He knew she had better have proof.
Her feet moved closer she was raising her hand, like she was trying to tame Burrows beast of emotion. He started to feel uncomfortable as she slowly moved forward. He didn't like it.
He stopped the gravity in front of. Feeling the rushing wind come to a stop. He thought it would work.
She just walked through it. She edged forward reaching out to give Burrow a long awaited hug. Burrow didn't stop her. He was to busy pondering on what just happened. Her head lay on his shoulder for a moment she seemed to breath out a sigh of relief.
Her arms came back of him and she took a slow step back staring into his eyes.
"Burrow, I know this must be hard on you that its hard for you to understand, that you don't know what is going on-"
He butt in he had had enough, "I don't care what you have to say who-who ever you are. My sister is dead, dead!" he said this time repeating it with a shout.
The girl didn't look surprised, she never did as a matter of fact. "Burrow how to you remember?".
He looked at her his mouth open for a moment. "I-I don't know".
I know why Burrow. "Me being here brings out you emotion, I am your twin sister".
"I am you equal and opposite".
"I am gravity's opposite, brother".
End of chapter
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey, Jack! I'm here to leave you a review.
All right, so I like how short all your chapters are, which is rather good in my opinion as it doesn't make an intimidating read. I also like how you manage to add some sort of hook to the end of the chapters (like in six, for example), so that we'd stay tuned to what happens next to Burrow. Now, that aside, let me show you some stuff I wish to call your attention to.
I don't know, but personally, I think it's better with a semicolon than a comma. Also, you can add a comma between "up" and "shocked".
I'd swap out the period for a comma -- the one before "rose", I mean. Also, I agree with tramsned. I understand you intentionally repeated "tried to explain", but something about how it was written made it feel a bit awkward. Don't worry though! I think if you rephrase this, you'll be able to make it flow better.
Don't forget to put the apostrophe between "w" and "s".
I personally find this somehow incomplete and choppy. I think you meant to write "him" before the period. If that was the case, then maybe you can drop the period for a comma as well to merge the two sentences.
You can put a comma between "forward" and "reaching".
I'd separate this into two. I suggest you put a period between "moment" and "she". It looks better to me that way.
I'd put a comma between "back" and "staring".
I think this part would benefit the use of the double dash (--) between "in" and "he".
You can put a comma between "said" and "this".
You can safely drop the period. I noticed that this occurs quite often and I bet you could spot them all after a quick read.
I'd suggest putting a comma between "her" and "his".
I don't know, but perhaps you meant to put the opening quotation mark at the beginning of the first sentence.
Well, I think that's about it. I know I listed down a lot, but don't be disheartened! You'll do better, I know you will. Keep on writing and practicing, okay? Good luck! I hope I helped.
Thanks ill get to those problems as soon as I can
I'd just like to say that I love your descriptions of each chapter. Quotes are great for descriptions!
It should be: Her feet moved closer as she raised her hand. Burrows needs an apostrophe, so it becomes Burrow's.
Should it say in front of her? You just need a comma between stop and he.
Too*
Perhaps you could change it to: She took her arms off him and stepped back slowly, staring into his eyes.
You need to fix this line.
In the last couple of sentences you wrote you and they should say your.
I've said this so many times but I love your story! It's action packed and unpredictable. Well done!
Thanks, will get to fixing it when I can, but im behind scheduale on nano thing
Ah, I don't do Nano for the sole reason that I know I'd fall behind. XD
haha I only joined today, I didn't bother I just wrote first haha, already up to 5000 not so good actually..
>His feet slowly stepped back, his hands felt the coldness of the walls as he backed up shocked.
This is a run-on sentence. Some awkward word repetition and order here. I'd change the whole thing up. I recommend using doing something like:
>He felt the coldness of the wall on his hands as he slowly stepped back against the wall.
But I guess it's fine if you leave it like it is, just change the word 'back'.
Seriously man, at least revise it a little. I know you don't like to do grammar out of school, but it makes this story hard to read.
>rose from her bed as she tried to explain, tried to explain what was going on.
Is this double repetition intentional? It's so unnecessary and awkward.
>rose from her bed and tried to explain what was going on.
Um both times you mentioned things that were intentional. And I do try and go over it, but I am not perfect. I would also be more helpful if you didn't post two of the same review, and maybe helped a bit more...
Sorry I was so rude, and Im sorry It took me a bit to relise it was a accident posting two reviews
>His feet slowly stepped back, his hands felt the coldness of the walls as he backed up shocked.
This is a run-on sentence. Some awkward word repetition and order here. I'd change the whole thing up. I recommend using doing something like:
>He felt the coldness of the wall on his hands as he slowly stepped back against the wall.
But I guess it's fine if you leave it like it is, just change the word 'back'.
Seriously man, at least revise it a little. I know you don't like to do grammar out of school, but it makes this story hard to read.
>rose from her bed as she tried to explain, tried to explain what was going on.
Is this double repetition intentional? It's so unnecessary and awkward.
>rose from her bed and tried to explain what was going on.