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12+ Violence

I'm coming home

by BrokenHeartsAri


*a fight with the voices in her head(right side are the voices)



Take me to the rooftop

As I wander towards

the edge

My mother

warned me about those

But,

she didn't even

take her own advice

The closer I got

the more I saw.

I saw,

was that smile

of yours made me

want to risk it all

Do it

do what?

Jump

I won't get anything out of...

yes you will

a brother

an uncle

a lost mother

that  didn't take her own advice

But... that's not why I

you didn't let me finish

I was going  to say

I don't like this...

NO!

a lost lover

that was taken

Closer,

I looked down

calm waves

patiently waiting

for me

the new

Victim

yea

do it,

jump

Come on, don't tell me your

scared

I see you don't like the feeling of drowning

Look what can be happening

I could be

Drifting away from my body

in the,


unnatural sky

 with the moonlight

50 windows

I could be

passing by

I tried and tried

to tell you

That it would be

okay...

as I smiled

we both can

 drifted-apart

that will never happen

unless


Death do us apart

Ha, like you will have the guts for that!

my only question is

if I jump now/who will catch me?

no one

No one

No one

okay...

No more pain

No more pain

                     9 Fresh Anime Girl Jumping Off Building


I'm coming, home mum


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Mon Apr 19, 2021 8:47 am
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ChrisCalaid wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm sorry I couldn't review this any sooner. I've been busy ever since I volunteered to be a judge in April Madness, the poem contest.

Spoiler! :
I am here to review this, obviously, but I would like to say a few things before that: I really enjoyed reading this, and I just want to tell you that, "You are not alone." That everyone has been there too, and I've only recently recovered from it, if recovered is the right word... So, don't give up and know that you're not alone. You are not the only one, who's been/is there, and... (since I've always wanted to hear this when I was depressed) you can talk to people. They will understand, not all of them, but many of them. Remember that not all people are like how they act, people didn't know I was depressed when I was, and so are others.

I don't want to lecture you or anything, and I don't know if you've been there or is still there. So I'm just going to end it here, but if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.


Review

Time for review!!!

The closer I got

the more I saw.

I saw,

was that smile

of yours made me

want to risk it all


1) By "I saw, was that smile" do you mean "I saw, that smile..."?
I think there are better ways to phrase/write that.

Ex: "I saw, that smile..."
Ex 1: "I saw, it was that smile..."
Ex 2: "What I saw, was that smile..."

2)
" I saw,

was that smile

of yours made me

want to risk it all"

3) By "made me want to risk it all" do you mean "making me want to risk it all"?
I understand what you wrote here, but I think you can improve on it by saying it "making". I think the readers already know that you are talking about the thing that happened [before]. I would say "making me" since you are NOT explaining right at that moment but is retelling it in a [realistic way]. I'm not quite sure if I explained it right, so don't worry about it if I'm not making any sense. (I'm confusing myself as well :wink: )

Closer,

I looked down

calm waves

patiently waiting

for me

the new


4) I suggest you add "were" or "are" between "I looked down" and "calm waves".
"I looked down calm waves are/were patiently waiting for me".

5) I also think you could add a comma after "for me" if it's okay with you.

That's all! Oh, I haven't reviewed for a long time, haven't I? :)

I love reading this poem! Please tell me if you need someone to review another writing of yours. Btw I will review the other poem you've requested as soon as time allows!!

Have a hopeful day!
:)

~Chris Calaid




ChrisCalaid says...


I hope that was helpful!
Good morning/afternoon/night!





Thank you for the review!



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Sun Apr 11, 2021 4:34 am
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blueca says...



i saw this in the spotlight and... wow...

as someone who's struggles with suicidal thoughts in the past, this hit almost too hard in the best way. well done, and keep writing.






Thanks



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Fri Apr 09, 2021 1:46 pm
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MomoMajesty wrote a review...



Hey Ari! I'm here with a review for this amazing poem!

Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. This was so well written! I especially loved the gif at the end. It really summed up the whole poem in 3 seconds. There were a few grammatical errors I wanted to point out, so here you go!

was that smile

of yours made me

want to risk it all

In my opinion, it would sound better if you added it between was and that, and that between yours and made here.

that didn't take her own advice

Only one space is needed between that and didn't.

Come on, don't tell me your

That should be you're here.

we both can

drifted-apart

I think you mean drift apart here?

if I jump now/who will catch me?

This would look better if you made this two lines!

I'm coming, home mum

The comma should be after home here.

That's it! Great job; I can't wait to read more of your poetry!
Momo




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Fri Apr 09, 2021 1:12 am
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MomoMajesty says...



wow. just wow. this was so good. keep up the good work, Ari <3






Thanks!!



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Thu Apr 08, 2021 6:42 pm
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Buranko wrote a review...



Hello Ari, was curious after I saw u advertising your poem in a wfp so I said I gotta read it. I'm one of those people that have trouble showing emotion on their faces but I really felt this poem. Here I am giving my own thoughts on it.

I love a poem filled with feelings and this one can't be said to lack them. I hope you are ok btw. Anyway the sad emotions, the anxiety, the pain is flowing and won't stop flowing. From the moment you said "Victim" the poem got another side to it. The internal conflict is the true star of this poem. I just read something similar, a webtoon with the main character blaming himself for all the pain he caused and this blame kept destroying him further. Some really strong parts of this conflict, that really show emotion are the lines where the internal thoughts mock the persona, the one that says "no one" and the "okay".

But you have some things that are pretty hard and unnatural in the flow of the poem. You chose to repeat "I saw". Maybe it has a symbolistic meaning I wasn't able to find. Also in the line "if I jump now who will catch me?" it would look and be read so much easier if you cut it in half like "if I jump now/who will catch me?". It would match the line above and give it a uniform overall feeling.

Great job! Loved the poem






Thanks for the review!



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Thu Apr 08, 2021 5:25 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Here for the review.

WOW! Literally Wow!! I suggest you to write what you wrote below my comment. That makes it a bit clearer.
Now coming to your poem, my favourite line was the the last one – I'm coming, home mum. I guess by ‘home’ you meant no where or perhaps the life after death where her mother is. If I am wrong at any instance, pls correct me. As I told earlier, I am not that good in interpreting these types of poems.

I really liked the concept of that rooftop and also putting that pic at last. I also liked how you seperated the voices. You reflected the the thoughts that might come to the mind of a person wanting to attempt suicide. Keep it up!!
Hope you are well.

~Forever






Thanks for the review!



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Thu Apr 08, 2021 4:49 pm
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ForeverYoung299 says...



Hello!!

This will not be a review because I am not that good at interpreting these types of poems. Can you pls explain me the concept a bit? Then I can try reviewing it.






Ok, basically its a fight with the voices in her head(right side are the voices)
if she's going to commit suicide or not(jumping off the building)





Thanks. I will try to review it.




“I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you.”
— Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince