*a fight with the voices in her head(right side are the voices)
Take me to the rooftop
As I wander towards
the edge
My mother
warned me about those
But,
she didn't even
take her own advice
The closer I got
the more I saw.
I saw,
was that smile
of yours made me
want to risk it all
Do it
do what?
Jump
I won't get anything out of...
yes you will
a brother
an uncle
a lost mother
that didn't take her own advice
But... that's not why I
you didn't let me finish
I was going to say
I don't like this...
NO!
a lost lover
that was taken
Closer,
I looked down
calm waves
patiently waiting
for me
the new
Victim
yea
do it,
jump
Come on, don't tell me your
scared
I see you don't like the feeling of drowning
Look what can be happening
I could be
Drifting away from my body
in the,
unnatural sky
with the moonlight
50 windows
I could be
passing by
I tried and tried
to tell you
That it would be
okay...
as I smiled
we both can
drifted-apart
that will never happen
unless
Death do us apart
Ha, like you will have the guts for that!
my only question is
if I jump now/who will catch me?
no one
No one
No one
okay...
No more pain
No more pain
I'm coming, home mum
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Okay…. I am officially in love with all of your writing!
Reading this really touched me deeply and I greatly appreciate that I had the opportunity to do so. The format is outstanding, completely outstanding. I’ve never read something like this before but I hope to read a lot more in the future. I was really able to connect to this as I am sure many others unfortunately are. This made me feel like I am not alone. This was beautifully beautifully beautifully beautifully written. I’ll give you 110% <3
Ellie-Mae
Thank you so much for your heartfelt feedback, Ellie-Mae! I%u2019m thrilled to hear that the writing resonated with you and provided a sense of connection. Your appreciation for the format and style is truly encouraging. It%u2019s rewarding to know that the piece made you feel less alone and touched you deeply. Your enthusiasm and support mean a lot, and I look forward to sharing more with you in the future. Thank you for your kind words! <3
Ahh thanks! I totally forgot about this review from three years ago but glad you liked it xD words are still true today!!!
It just sent me the notifications for it lol
That is so funny XDD
this is so good it captures the thoughts before trying to commit really well I also love how we can read the voices as well and that they're easy to differenciate. love it keep up the work!
Thank you for your thoughtful feedback! I'm glad to hear that you found the portrayal of the internal thoughts compelling and that the voices were distinct and easy to differentiate. Your encouragement means a lot, and I appreciate your support. I'll continue to strive for that clarity and depth in my writing. Thank you again!
Hello there! I'm sorry I couldn't review this any sooner. I've been busy ever since I volunteered to be a judge in April Madness, the poem contest.
I am here to review this, obviously, but I would like to say a few things before that: I really enjoyed reading this, and I just want to tell you that, "You are not alone." That everyone has been there too, and I've only recently recovered from it, if recovered is the right word... So, don't give up and know that you're not alone. You are not the only one, who's been/is there, and... (since I've always wanted to hear this when I was depressed) you can talk to people. They will understand, not all of them, but many of them. Remember that not all people are like how they act, people didn't know I was depressed when I was, and so are others.
Spoiler
I don't want to lecture you or anything, and I don't know if you've been there or is still there. So I'm just going to end it here, but if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.
Review
Time for review!!!
1) By "I saw, was that smile" do you mean "I saw, that smile..."?
I think there are better ways to phrase/write that.
Ex: "I saw, that smile..."
Ex 1: "I saw, it was that smile..."
Ex 2: "What I saw, was that smile..."
2)
" I saw,
was that smile
of yours made me
want to risk it all"
3) By "made me want to risk it all" do you mean "making me want to risk it all"?
I understand what you wrote here, but I think you can improve on it by saying it "making". I think the readers already know that you are talking about the thing that happened [before]. I would say "making me" since you are NOT explaining right at that moment but is retelling it in a [realistic way]. I'm not quite sure if I explained it right, so don't worry about it if I'm not making any sense. (I'm confusing myself as well
4) I suggest you add "were" or "are" between "I looked down" and "calm waves".
"I looked down calm waves are/were patiently waiting for me".
5) I also think you could add a comma after "for me" if it's okay with you.
That's all! Oh, I haven't reviewed for a long time, haven't I?
I love reading this poem! Please tell me if you need someone to review another writing of yours. Btw I will review the other poem you've requested as soon as time allows!!
Have a hopeful day!
~Chris Calaid
I hope that was helpful!
Good morning/afternoon/night!
Thank you for the review!
Hello Chris,
Thank you for your thoughtful feedback and for sharing your own experiences. Your encouragement and understanding mean a lot. I appreciate your suggestions for improving the poem, and I'll take your points into consideration.
1) Yes, I can see how rephrasing "I saw, was that smile" would enhance clarity. Your examples are helpful!
2) I understand your thoughts on the phrasing of "made me want to risk it all." Using "making" could indeed create a more fluid narrative.
3) Your suggestion to add "were" or "are" between "I looked down" and "calm waves" is a good one. It would improve the grammatical structure.
4) Adding a comma after "for me" could enhance the rhythm of that line.
Thanks again for your insights! I%u2019m glad you enjoyed the poem, and I will definitely reach out if I have more writing to share.
Have a wonderful day!
i saw this in the spotlight and... wow...
as someone who's struggles with suicidal thoughts in the past, this hit almost too hard in the best way. well done, and keep writing.
Thanks
Hey Ari! I'm here with a review for this amazing poem!
Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. This was so well written! I especially loved the gif at the end. It really summed up the whole poem in 3 seconds. There were a few grammatical errors I wanted to point out, so here you go!
In my opinion, it would sound better if you added it between was and that, and that between yours and made here.
Only one space is needed between that and didn't.
That should be you're here.
I think you mean drift apart here?
This would look better if you made this two lines!
The comma should be after home here.
That's it! Great job; I can't wait to read more of your poetry!
Momo
wow. just wow. this was so good. keep up the good work, Ari <3
Thanks!!
Hello Ari, was curious after I saw u advertising your poem in a wfp so I said I gotta read it. I'm one of those people that have trouble showing emotion on their faces but I really felt this poem. Here I am giving my own thoughts on it.
I love a poem filled with feelings and this one can't be said to lack them. I hope you are ok btw. Anyway the sad emotions, the anxiety, the pain is flowing and won't stop flowing. From the moment you said "Victim" the poem got another side to it. The internal conflict is the true star of this poem. I just read something similar, a webtoon with the main character blaming himself for all the pain he caused and this blame kept destroying him further. Some really strong parts of this conflict, that really show emotion are the lines where the internal thoughts mock the persona, the one that says "no one" and the "okay".
But you have some things that are pretty hard and unnatural in the flow of the poem. You chose to repeat "I saw". Maybe it has a symbolistic meaning I wasn't able to find. Also in the line "if I jump now who will catch me?" it would look and be read so much easier if you cut it in half like "if I jump now/who will catch me?". It would match the line above and give it a uniform overall feeling.
Great job! Loved the poem
Thanks for the review!
Here for the review.
WOW! Literally Wow!! I suggest you to write what you wrote below my comment. That makes it a bit clearer.
Now coming to your poem, my favourite line was the the last one – I'm coming, home mum. I guess by ‘home’ you meant no where or perhaps the life after death where her mother is. If I am wrong at any instance, pls correct me. As I told earlier, I am not that good in interpreting these types of poems.
I really liked the concept of that rooftop and also putting that pic at last. I also liked how you seperated the voices. You reflected the the thoughts that might come to the mind of a person wanting to attempt suicide. Keep it up!!
Hope you are well.
~Forever
Thanks for the review!
Hello!!
This will not be a review because I am not that good at interpreting these types of poems. Can you pls explain me the concept a bit? Then I can try reviewing it.
Ok, basically its a fight with the voices in her head(right side are the voices)
if she's going to commit suicide or not(jumping off the building)
Thanks. I will try to review it.