NOTE: This ballad completely violates almost all rules of ballad writing but you can't blame me it was written in extreme pain, with a very tired brain and amongst continuous vicious shocks of Sneezes. OH! And trigger warnings.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hey there! It's Gem climbing out of her jewelrybox for another short reveiw. I really enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to review it.
You repeatedly said:
"Sometimes a syrup leads you to a song"
If this is a song, I think you could go back into the settings and add that it is also lyrical, it can be set as a lyrical poem. I have a few of those myself.
I love that repetition either way. It kept the poem fun and cute - if I wrote it I would have not have been as light-hearted. The formatting of the poem was nice. I do not know very many formats on this site.
I really like the rhyming scheme! I've always liked good rhymes, and it's incredible that you were able to come up with so many in the poem.
Good use of imagery I have a cold currently, but I think it portrays the flu feeling well from experience. The only part of the poem that you need to work on is the grammar, but that is easy. The most common grammar mistake was when you forgot to capitalize "I" a lot.
Some of the longer lines break up the flow of the poem. The breaks aren't too bad, but they wouldn't take too long to fix. I loved this poem!
Have a nice day and keep writing!
And with that Gem climbs back in her Jewelrybox, until next time.
Thank you soo much. I am sorry i never got its notification just found this now. Yeah i wanted to fix the grammar and the longer lines but heck editing is tiresome. XD
I agree, and you are very welcome. Sorry to nag.
Oh and i didn't thought it would be a song until everybody said that. I thought i randomly sang it in the shower in the tune of Jingle Bell. :p
Hey there! Oliver here to review.
This was quite a fun little read! I know nothing of ballads, but as a poem, this piece is pretty solid. The rhyming scheme is consistent and the repetition of the middle bit really drove home the feeling of a song.
I only have a few nitpicky things:
Hm, I don't think the bolded 'a' needs to be there? For me it just throws of the rhythm of the stanza.
Personally, I would put the bolded bit in parentheses, but that could just be a personal stylistic thing.
Overall this felt very lyrical and light hearted, and it reminded sort of a Fool or Joker's song. The imagery was really well done and the comedic undertone stayed superb throughout.
Great job!
Keep writing,
- LordStar
Thank you so much for the review
Hey there, @Awru! It's been awhile since I reviewed poetry, but I really enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to try my hand at reviewing. Let me know if you have any questions about what I comment!
Even though this work is labeled as poetry, it felt almost like I was reading a lyrical piece instead; the repeating parts reminded me of a chorus, and you also repeatedly said:
You might ultimately keep this work as a poem, but I love that repetition either way. It was a unique way to keep the poem fun and lighthearted - it would been very easy for this to be a sorrowful piece about suffering through the flu. The formatting of the poem also helped with the repetition. I'm not sure if it would have flowed as well if the repeating stanzas were right underneath the changing ones.
I'm also really impressed by your rhyming scheme! I've always struggled to come up with good rhymes, and it's incredible that you were able to come up with so many that made sense with the poem. There were countless ones that I loved, but my favorite of them all has to be the one down below.
It was a great use of imagery - something you excelled at throughout the piece. I would say that the only part of the poem that you need to improve is the grammar, but even that is a simple fix. The most common grammar mistake I saw was when you forgot to capitalize some of the letters (mainly "I") but capitalized other ones. There's nothing wrong with keeping everything lowercase, but it's usually a good idea to keep what you do with capitalization consistent.
Besides that, you might want to try rewriting some of the longer lines so they don't break up the flow of the poem. The breaks weren't too noticeable, but it's something that hopefully wouldn't take too long to fix.
That quote a few paragraphs up is a good example of one of the stanzas you might want to rewrite. The rhyme is good, and the description is, too, but it didn't flow as well as some of the earlier lines. You could change it to something like the quote down below and still keep the same joke you intended to make it in the original version:
It's not the perfect fix, but it makes the line shorter.
Overall, I really did love this poem! The humor reminds me of the songs I would listen to as a kid - something silly that makes the listener (or in this case, the reader) feel less uneasy about an otherwise scary/uncomfortable topic.
Thanks for sharing it with me!
P.S. Can I link a post to it on my wall? I got a kick out of it, and I'd love for more people to read it.
Thank you soo very much for the helpful review
. I will work on the suggestion as soon as i get the time. Aww!! Ofcourse u can.
When i fix it i may ask for help in shortening the verses though.
You're welcome! I'd be happy to help as much as I can - I'm not sure how well I can shorten them, but I can try my best.