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If only you could hear

by Awru

P.S= Cuz everbday says that! The capitalization and punctuation is completely a stylistic choice cuz I am not really following a pattern here.

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6 Reviews

Points: 27
Reviews: 6

Thu Aug 13, 2020 2:43 am
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YuNgWrItEr says...

It is a great poem. The background really mixes well with the poem, which is cool. Particularly tthe first stanza was great. The theme is also really deep.

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93 Reviews

Points: 6609
Reviews: 93

Mon Aug 10, 2020 11:27 pm
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Valkyria wrote a review...

Hello Awru! The first thing I want to mention is the background. It's aesthetically pleasing to look at. And it really blends in with the poem, which is a cool choice. The style is beautiful, and I like how it changes to bring emphasis to certain words.

Since the title is a part of the poem, I like that you make it a repetition. It makes your writing stronger. The title is also the first line of the poem, which is very clever. I was rereading it, and I just realized it.

I don't see any punctuation or grammatical errors outside of your stylistic choices, but I noticed one tiny, tiny spelling mistake in your third stanza.

If only you could hear/ The Uueven Rythm

I had to double-take and reread the stanza to realize it was "Uneven."

The last line hit hard. The power that italics have. It perfectly closed the poem.

I interpreted this poem as mental health. People who are struggling, maybe with suicide, since one of the images looks like a recent cut. The person -or people- wish someone close to them would understand the pain they're going through; they wish others would listen.

I'm going to close this review off, with a standing ovation!


Awru says...

Thanx for the review!

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9 Reviews

Points: 127
Reviews: 9

Mon Aug 10, 2020 10:18 am
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Vex3330 wrote a review...

Hey! I love this poem! It's really beautifully presented and was really nice to read. I particularly loved the first stanza,
'There is a story written on every eye, A song playing in every heart, There is a tale dancing on the tip of every tongue, A yarn nestling in every wrinkle.' This stanza made me think about all the things the world holds, particularly through the lines 'A song playing in every heart' and 'There is a tale dancing on the tip of every tongue'.
I also liked the story you spin throughout the poem, with it gradually becoming less calm, through lines such as 'The screams lost in vacuum' and 'The painful tautness'.
I particularly like the ending, 'The last breaths of a living man.' It made me think about how short life really can be, and why we need to enjoy it as much as possible.
If I were to make a change, i would only edit small bits of grammar. You really get your point across here, and in a beautiful way. My favorite lines were the ones mentioned in this review. I know I haven't really said much but yeah, I really enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work! I look forward to seeing what you create :)

Awru says...

Thanks for the review!

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67 Reviews

Points: 3377
Reviews: 67

Mon Aug 10, 2020 4:48 am
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Awru says...

@whatchamacallit Thats why I said its metaphorically complicated Lol. Ok imma tell you my intended meaning. This poem isnt just talking about one individual, its talking about many individuals. Individuals who are sad, lonely and broken. Individuals who seem to be alive but their spirit to live has died. See the first stanza, it refers to the 4 organs and the tales they have to tell in the further stanzas. Basically, if people(again refering to many individuals not one) were more observant and empathetic they can actually spot a person in need of help or sympathy  by listening to the tales each part of their body has to tell but people always choose to ignore these signs. The first stanza about eyes; the person isnt crying exactly but if one was to observe they can see the tears rushing inside, their spirit dying and the emptiness reflecting. The second stanza about heart. The heart is singing a melancholic song about pain. The heart is beating fast and is suffocating. It depicts pain. The third stanza; the tongue, tongue refers to words. Words that wanted to be said but couldn't. Words that people could have tried to listen to but didnt. Words that were silenced. The fourth stanza wrinkles meaning skin. The blue colour deepening means bruises. The individual has been abused and hurt. Made to suffer again n again but even time doesn't seem to lessen the pain. Wrinkles in the first place show the unforgiveness of time. The last lines are simply that when all these organs\parts start behaving like that, its clear that the individuals will and spirit has died. People cant hear it dying either. They think if someone appears alive, he is alive but in truth the individual has died. I hope u see the connection now XD

Oh I see! That's a really cool meaning!

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189 Reviews

Points: 12832
Reviews: 189

Sun Aug 09, 2020 5:22 pm
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LittleLee says...

This was really nice to read!

Awru says...

Awww! Thankies:D

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283 Reviews

Points: 20628
Reviews: 283

Sun Aug 09, 2020 5:03 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...

Hi Awru!

I really like the visual aspects of this poem - the background, the fonts, the formatting, all the different textures, there's so much to take in! However, having that much going on does mean there's a risk of things feeling too busy or complicated. For this poem, I don't mind the business too much, but if I were to recommend one thing to make it feel less busy it would be un-colouring the font so it's all just black/grey. But that's just an opinion, so if you like as is feel free to leave it that way :) Font colour aside, I do love a lot of the design choices you've made - having the slightly textured paper, burnt at the edges, and then the smooth white background, creates an interesting contrast and almost a sense of tension. I love the swirling smokey grey - it could be smoke from the burning paper? - and I really love the two red streaks. They're so subtle, but to me it looks like someone has injured or scratched the paper, and made it bleed, and that's just so original and interesting!

You're totally right, punctuation and capitalization is up to you as the poet - and in this poem, I think the capitalization adds an interesting emphasis to the words and even creates a sense of rhythm, so I won't give any suggestions about that. For punctuation though, I would personally suggest using some more full-stops/periods, as right now it feels a bit like the thoughts flow into each other. The commas after each "If only you could hear" are also unnecessary and create an unnatural pause in my opinion - but if that's how you want it, that's okay too.

There's some really beautiful imagery in this poem! I think my favourite stanza is the fourth one -

If only you could hear,
The Words caught in thorny vines
The Screams lost in vacuum
The excruciating effort for Silence

The descriptions are great, and the ideas in this stanza feel the most connected - especially in the second and fifth stanzas, I'm not entirely sure how some of the thoughts are related to each other. Which leads me into my last point, the theme of this poem.

My personal interpretation of the poem is that the narrator is begging someone to pay more attention and to try to understand something/someone, or at least expressing their regret that this person cannot hear what they can hear. Which is a really emotional message/theme, and I like it - however I'm not sure how some of the lines relate to this - some of them seem almost random. For example, how does the "Salty River rushing" relate to this? Is it meant to describe the narrator's tears over something? What about the "Blue colour deepening"? I almost feel like that stanza (the fifth one) is describing frostbite, but I'm not entirely certain, and I don't know how that would really tie back to the other stanzas. And in the final couplet, the last line is really deep/dark, but I don't feel like it finishes or concludes the poem. If anything, I want to know more, get a further explanation.

It's totally okay if your interpretation/intended meaning of the poem is different than mine, however think it'd be good if the whole poem felt related, regardless of the intended interpretation. Right now the meaning feels a bit ambiguous, almost.

That might seem like a lot of negative stuff, but I do think this poem is really interesting and original as is (and I love the visual elements you added) - I just believe that creating more connections between the stanzas, and giving the poem more of a purpose, would make it stronger. Also, I love how figurative the language in this poem is! I believe in one of your other poems I mentioned literal vs. figurative language, and the descriptions in this poem is so figurative and so beautiful, which I really enjoyed reading!

All in all, I think this poem is really creative and original, the imagery is great, and I had a lot of fun reading it! Punctuation and continuity are really my main two critiques. I hope this review is useful, and if you have any questions about anything feel free to ask!

Keep poeting!


Awru says...

Thanx for the review. It really helps

The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451