The one who took my pain away - a sonnet

Hello,

This is a really heartfelt sonnet! The theme was clear and expressed really well throughout each line. I could feel the emotion plainly being conveyed from this character, so it was well-written through that aspect.

Reading through, you did keep consistent with the rhymes, though it felt like the rhythm was hard to keep along with at times. I think there are some lines that you can maybe shorten down and use stronger vocabulary to fix this.

Anyway, that's all I really found... I especially like the couplet at the end. I feel like it was a powerful and emotional way to end this poem, so great job!

Hello!

I was so excited to have come across a sonnet today. I've been playing with the idea of attempting a sonnet this month for NaPo. It just looks like so much fun to write!

You have an excellent piece here too. There was some wonky rhythm in places, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Breaking that kind of flow can be used to your advantage too, particularly if it's a powerful line. So while not every line is equal in syllable count, since that's the technical excuse for awkward rhythm, I would suggest ensuring that every word used in each line is necessary.

The piece started out really strong. In fact, I really loved the opening line. By the 3rd/4th line, it started feeling clunky to me. Both lines sound like they could be rephrased to something stronger, more impactful. This is the moment someone swept in and stole her away! It should really hit home somehow. It just feels a little too clunky, like too many impactful words.

Another example would be the 11th/12th lines. In fact, "blow out my brain" sounds extremely out of place with the rest of the theme. Almost too modern. It's the only contemporary phrase used here, arguably ("gay" can be taken in different directions and work either way!). And "dream of the day I die" could be shortened to "dream of my death," allowing more syllables to use for more descriptive words.

Hopefully that makes sense! It's really the only thing I had to comment on. It was a lovely, sad theme and really told the story well. In fact, it made for an excellent sonnet. Tweaking a few lines could really make this more powerful for the reader.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow. This was really touching. Good job!

Hey! Che here for a quick review!

The first thing I will point out is that because this is a sonnet, I believe every line should have 10 syllables, am I correct? I think most of them do but there are a few that don't- for example the first had eight and some others have eleven. Forgive me if I am wrong about that, though

The imagery and emotion came across really strong in this one. The rhyme scheme was great and consistent except the last two lines which I'm assuming was done on purpose for effect. The poem flowed well and if you corrected some of the lines with more/less than ten syllables i think it would flow even better. I suggest going on www.poetrysoup.com and using their syllable counter to double check when writing any poetry in a certain form!

Overall, it's another fantastic poem that I can tell comes straight from the heart in a very raw and emotional way

Keep writing!

Regards, Che