Everything tied together perfectly, just like my hand intwined in yours. The kisses on the forehead, the long hugs, you jokingly playing with my back fat. The all night phone calls, and the memories. There are so many special moments with you that are forever in my heart. Your memory from me will never part.
Now, I am alone, with nothing to hold but the cold, telephone. You called me your girl, and you told me that I was your world. We planned a future as we talked about our past. I invested so much in you that I figured this would last.You said that our love was going to build us a new world. All of these actions must not have been true, for I have never seen someone forsake their world in a day. Slowly falling into hell, my heart is melting away.
You made me feel so beautiful. You stroked my cheeks, and wiped away my tears.Constant compliments brought a smile to my lips. You played with my hair and told me that you will always care. When things got scary, you held me until I had no tears. But now you have left me, making that day painful enough to haunt me for years.
Slowly, I pulled my chin up, ready to recollect some of my pride. Then I figured out that you and her were talking, and I shattered on the inside. Many tears I began to cry, for I thought my love for you meant more something you could trash and replace the next day.
As the song of our live continues to play, I think about you less and less each day. Your words have been erased from the music, and now I must sing alone. This may hurt a bit now, but one day all of our memories will fade along with the pain.
Maybe with time, my heart will have the capacity to love again.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hi, Annie!
This is a nice piece of flash fiction. Very poetic and descriptive, and the narration did well in setting up the story itself. It really tugged at the emotions. It was very easy to feel the speaker's perspective and relate to the scenario.
I love how it opens up with a beautiful opening that includes something the speaker loves, the sweet memories they treasure about this relationship. Then the piece slowly fades into one of heartbreak into a hopeful sense of moving on to a new chapter in their life. Basically, the pacing was really nice and didn't feel rushed or jarring as I read it.
There were a couple phrases here that felt kinda out of place, like the back fat line in the first paragraph. I loved the phrase and the honesty/bluntness of this clause -- it really added a lot of personality for the speaker -- but we never see this personality again. This sense of humor, if you will, was left forgotten and thus feels just random in what felt like an ode to the dating life.
I noticed you said this was kind of a random piece that you didn't know what to do with, but I think you have a good concept here that can work for either a more constructed piece of flash fiction or perhaps a poem. You have a couple themes floating around here that you could really zero in on, like love or heartbreak or self-confidence, and use the story itself to back that theme up. This would then better tie the beginning of the piece to the end of the piece, whereas right now, it's just an evolution of emotions through the circle of dating.
Additionally, the title didn't seem to have any reference to the piece itself, so it leaves it feeling vague or perhaps forgotten. I guess I can kinda see where it fits, as no dialogue was ever expressed and it's clearly the speaker silently reflecting on their recent relationship, so it works in a broad sense.
Anyhow, I really just thought I'd give some ideas as to what you could do with this! You have a lovely narrative and a main character with a fairly developed background. This can easily be used for either fiction OR a poem, whichever you're more comfortable with. I'd simply suggest narrowing down the theme you want to dig into and reconstruct the piece around that.
Very well done! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I really liked this story. The way you wrote it was so smooth and easy to read, it really brought me and I felt like I connected with the main character. I felt like the part with "the song of our lives" didn't really come up a lot. I think if you added a little more "song of our lives" or something like that would make the story even better. But that's just my opinion
Stellar Jay