We go there every day to get an “education”
But all that ends up happening is
The draining of imagination.
The Holocaust, Edgar Allan Poe,
And some equation that the state wants us to know
Jocks, Cheerleaders, nerds, they all embrace
Unneeded stereotypes as their lives fly by
I try to be different my head in the sky,
My spirit like a bird, free to fly;
Instead of embracing my knowledge,
They swat me away like a mosquito
My opinion isn’t common core,
So it doesn’t seem to matter anymore,
It is ignored and abused.
So I laugh and grin,
As we learn about the Soviet Civil War
Again
I try not to judge,
seeing every person as equal
But somehow that is uncouth, not cool,
So I guess I will stand by
While like the Berlin Airlift,
The goods of my life fly by
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hellllloooo!!!!
First off I love this work as i can relate. Todays Education system is biased and demotivating in many ways, and i feel this poem words that thought perfectly.
I found very few things that should be fixed
1- Line 12 feels like its out of place , If you just removed line 12 the flow would be better. Or do something like this.
Instead of embracing my knowledge they swat me away,
Like a mosquito on a hot summer’s day,
2- Line 21 should be rewritten, i do have a a way mind but you should word it in a way to make it flow.
"But somehow, stereotypical thoughts cloud the path,"
Kpop out
Thanks! I will be sure to get rid of line 12!!!
Hi, Tropicalrain here to share a few words with you about your poem, and to help you get it out the green room.
So let's start.
I think this was a really well written poem, and it had a really good flow to it, all the words flowed into each other really well, and what made it better was that you had most of your words rhyme really well with each other. It just made the poem a lot more fun to read.
I thought the name you chose for this poem was very catchy, and I new I had to come read your work, and I'm glad I did.
I also like they length you made your poem, it was just enough to give us the image we needed, and show us the feelings you put into it. I think if you had made it any shorter, is wouldn't of had the same affect.
As far as I could see I couldn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes. This was a really well written poem, and I do hope you will post more soon on YWS, because I look forward to reading more.
TropicalRain.
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your support!
Your welcome.
I hate to correct you, butttttt, you used the wrong form of your/you're
Oops!
Hey, Che here for a quick review!
First of all, I really agreed with the message you were getting at in this poem. It's a topic that I feel very strongly about and I think you put it into words a lot better than I ever could!
I liked the structure of it, as after reading what AniceMansure wrote in their review, I realised that the structure reflects this sense of 'awkwardness' that they were talking about..
The only thing I can criticise on is what thepoetryproject mention in his comment - the rhyme scheme seems a little off. I can see what you were trying to do but like Noah said it doesn't flow particularly well and it's a little bit of a struggle to read out loud.'
However, with a littler work, I think this poem could be a really impactful piece. It already is, to be honest,
Keep writing!
Regards, Che
Thank you!
Hi Anees here for review ^_^
Its been a while since I did my last review. Still I hope I will be helpful to you!
The thing that struck me most while reading the poem, or it was meant to be so, was awkwardness. A sense of not being able to fit anywhere in the midst of crowd. Placating oneself with words as such as being "different", unique. This sentiment portrayed here is common amongst adolescents. Its something funny altogether to someone who had passed that " awkward " state. Why? Because the sense of proving oneself by fitting in is a phase one goes through while discovering ones identity. But later on one realizes the futility of such an act. Right, its a shared experience. Which appears to be unique yet is unfortunate part of growing up. And because of this I think the poem is praiseworthy. It captures those sentiment vividly.
There's no proper rhythm though. Maybe you should try portraying these sentiments in proper structure for better effect. Overall its nice and light. And relatable.
One thing I would more like to add is that the usage of first person for this kind of subject is appropriate, but at places, especially where one expresses individuality, it comes off with not so appropriate tone of being a.....hard to like person. It becomes way more awkward. The justifications, especially the mention of Ill treatments, takes another colour where one appears to be simply raging for being "not taken into notice". It appear as whining. For being acknowledged.
Overall it was a nice read. Thankyou for being patient with me and have a nice day! And keep writing. I'll be looking forward to your next work.
Thanks for your ideas and kind words!
Hello! I am in no way saying that this poem isn’t good. I think it is. However, the rhythms a bit off. I struggled to read it out loud, with it flowing. Just a little thing that might Be something to think about.
Hello! I am in no way saying that this poem isn’t good. I think it is. However, the rhythms a bit off. I struggled to read it out loud, with it flowing. Just a little thing that might Be something to think about.
Thanks