Young Writers Society

Hello!!

I have to IMMEDIATELY say how much I love the rhythm of this piece. It flows so well, and your phrases are so well-metered. It makes it very easy to read, and it actually ties in very well with the idea of a country song, where music is structured yet flows smoothly throughout the piece.

The story within this piece is also very relatable to country songs. The feeling of heartbreak and longing is a common theme in country music in general, so you do well to capture that tone. I certainly think there could be even more ties you can make, though, like drinking or driving dirt roads or dancing -- just things to better set the environment as well for your theme. But that does through a little more narrative or imagery into the piece, and that's up to you! But I think tugging at more country song stereotypes could help better set the tone of the piece, perhaps get you even more creative with more relative word choice and phrases.

You have some really good moments here. A lot of really strong couplets or groups of lines that just sound so good together. It feels kind of disjointed, like they were kinda roughly pasted together into a larger poem, but it does well enough to at least present the intended theme. Maybe moreso like a string of thoughts that could use a little more organization. For instance:

Walking the streets late at night,
I keep searching for your love,
but lonliness is the only thing that will hold me tight.

Shivers run down my spine as I recall the days you were mine.

My arms are empty and bare,
I see you gently holding her in your love,
And I have to remember, for me you no longer care

Damn, I love this.

It's descriptive and emotional and hit a little spot on my heart really hard. You did a really good job with this poem and conveying your feelings surrounding the entire situation that you're describing. My only little thing was with the lengths of the the 3rd, 4th and 7th lines because they didn't quite flow with the rest of the poem. It may be just me but I might suggest splitting those lines into multiple and refining them to fit.

But that was my only little stipulation with this because overall I really enjoyed the poem as a whole. Of course, you might have meant the lines to be that way in which case, ignore me! Anyway, I hope to see more of your works because you're really good with rhyming and descriptions and I'd love to see what else you've written!

~Mack

hello! yellow here with a review.

a quick preface, but i have not reviewed something in quite some time, so take everything i day with a grain of salt!

i really enjoyed this! you definitely made it clear by establishing the meaning of your poem just in the first few lines, which is great. although, i would like to point out that you misspelled “loneliness.”

throughout the poem, i feel like you could have so many other word choices that really fluff up the piece and make it more vivid. what do the streets look like? how does loneliness feel? ask yourself these kinda of critical questions and you can hopefully come up with more vivid ideas to show us what you want to convey.

towards the end, you used the comparison to the two birds, which is great, but can you tie that in more with the rest of your poem? you can use that metaphor for the entire poem instead of having it only towards the end. it definitely has a lot of potential!

i would also like more reference to the country song. it’s your title and the very ending line, which tie in excellently, but like the bird metaphor, could you make this more inclusive throughout the entire poem?

otherwise, i really enjoyed your work! you have a wonderful topic and a great base to potentially add on to. once again, take this review with a grain of salt, but i really hope this helps!

-yellow