Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Other

E - Everyone

Nothing but a country song

by Anniepoo103


Walking the cold and empty streets late at night,

I keep searching for your love,

but loneliness is the only thing I find

Tonight in it’s trap it will hold me tight.

Shivers run down my spine as I recall the days you were mine.

My arms are empty and bare,

I see you gently holding her in your love,

And I have to remember, for me you no longer care.

The two of you in your old truck I see,

I remember the days when in the passenger seat you held me.

I was your bird, ready to soar,

But in your eyes my love was a cage,

all you wanted was to fly.

So silently in the still of the night,

You left me with a quiet goodbye.

In my heart you will always be,

You took my love and ran around,

Unrequited feelings is all that I have found.

Now while you hold her, the bottle is in my hand,

Drinking my life away, hoping that one day I will understad.

Without you in my life I have been alone,

Like a bird your love has flown,

Away from me in the sky so high,

Straight into her arms, and I have no idea why.

I see the two of you together,

All snuggled up like birds of a feather,

But I know that it won’t last long,

For her love is nothing but a country song.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1245 Reviews


Points: 57647
Reviews: 1245

Donate
Sat Oct 05, 2019 12:06 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!!

I have to IMMEDIATELY say how much I love the rhythm of this piece. It flows so well, and your phrases are so well-metered. It makes it very easy to read, and it actually ties in very well with the idea of a country song, where music is structured yet flows smoothly throughout the piece.

The story within this piece is also very relatable to country songs. The feeling of heartbreak and longing is a common theme in country music in general, so you do well to capture that tone. I certainly think there could be even more ties you can make, though, like drinking or driving dirt roads or dancing -- just things to better set the environment as well for your theme. But that does through a little more narrative or imagery into the piece, and that's up to you! But I think tugging at more country song stereotypes could help better set the tone of the piece, perhaps get you even more creative with more relative word choice and phrases.

You have some really good moments here. A lot of really strong couplets or groups of lines that just sound so good together. It feels kind of disjointed, like they were kinda roughly pasted together into a larger poem, but it does well enough to at least present the intended theme. Maybe moreso like a string of thoughts that could use a little more organization. For instance:

Walking the streets late at night,
I keep searching for your love,
but lonliness is the only thing that will hold me tight.

Shivers run down my spine as I recall the days you were mine.

My arms are empty and bare,
I see you gently holding her in your love,
And I have to remember, for me you no longer care


I'll just focus on the start here. You have such great lines here, but the train of thought zigzags around. We start out with this feeling of loneliness as the speaker remembers being held tightly, of being loved and cherished, which puts me in a sense of calmness and warmth. Then for a single line, a single moment, we completely flip to shivers and chills. Then we flip right into a new feeling of emptiness, depression, and heartbreak.

It'll definitely help to kind of narrow down or at least organize the emotions you want to portray in this poem and how you want to do it. That way, it'll lead your reader better through the piece as you tell this story filled with emotion. Couple that with the elongated metaphor of a country song, perfecting the word choice or imagery used, and I you'll have a very polished poem.

This is such a beautiful start, though. You have a great piece here, and I can absolutely see so much potential in this one with some tweaks here and there. :D

Well done, and keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




Anniepoo103 says...


Thank you for your kind words Jabber. I had a hard time writing this because it was one of my first pieces that has MY emotions and not ones that I made up. I do plan on revisiting this and revising soon.



User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 17

Donate
Thu Oct 03, 2019 2:33 pm
kaceymackwriter wrote a review...



Damn, I love this.

It's descriptive and emotional and hit a little spot on my heart really hard. You did a really good job with this poem and conveying your feelings surrounding the entire situation that you're describing. My only little thing was with the lengths of the the 3rd, 4th and 7th lines because they didn't quite flow with the rest of the poem. It may be just me but I might suggest splitting those lines into multiple and refining them to fit.

But that was my only little stipulation with this because overall I really enjoyed the poem as a whole. Of course, you might have meant the lines to be that way in which case, ignore me! Anyway, I hope to see more of your works because you're really good with rhyming and descriptions and I'd love to see what else you've written!

~Mack




Anniepoo103 says...


Thank you for your kind words and advice, I will keep that in mind when I revisit this piece.



User avatar
216 Reviews


Points: 99
Reviews: 216

Donate
Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:15 am
yellow wrote a review...



hello! yellow here with a review.

a quick preface, but i have not reviewed something in quite some time, so take everything i day with a grain of salt! :)

i really enjoyed this! you definitely made it clear by establishing the meaning of your poem just in the first few lines, which is great. although, i would like to point out that you misspelled “loneliness.”

throughout the poem, i feel like you could have so many other word choices that really fluff up the piece and make it more vivid. what do the streets look like? how does loneliness feel? ask yourself these kinda of critical questions and you can hopefully come up with more vivid ideas to show us what you want to convey.

towards the end, you used the comparison to the two birds, which is great, but can you tie that in more with the rest of your poem? you can use that metaphor for the entire poem instead of having it only towards the end. it definitely has a lot of potential!

i would also like more reference to the country song. it’s your title and the very ending line, which tie in excellently, but like the bird metaphor, could you make this more inclusive throughout the entire poem?

otherwise, i really enjoyed your work! you have a wonderful topic and a great base to potentially add on to. once again, take this review with a grain of salt, but i really hope this helps!

-yellow




Anniepoo103 says...


That makes a lot of sense. I really need to revisit this and revise. Thank you!



Anniepoo103 says...


I just changed it up a bit. I included the bird earlier in the poem and I was sure to add something about an old truck. My main point with saying her love was a country song at the end was meaning that it was one of lust that would not last long. Almost as if I was discrediting the 'feelings' that she had for him in that circumstance. If that makes any sense..




"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
— Martin Luther King Jr.