The leaving of a Lover

Hey friend! I am currently on a quest, searching through the wonderful haiku's of YWS, and I stumbled upon this one It stood out to me and I wanted to leave a review:

The first thing I noticed is that the second line has 8 syllables instead of 7. But the other two have five, so you followed the pattern there. Perhaps you could change the second line to "Into the sunset he rode" and get rid of the While. What really stood out to me was the rhyme you had between rode and showed. I loved that little added bit of magic!!

You talk about riding into the twilight and sunset, never showing pain. I think this can be a metaphor for a lot of life experiences- we keep on riding and moving past, never showing our pain that we are trying to leave behind us.

Lovely work and keep on writing!!

Your friend,
Ellie

Even with three lines, the message of this poem is deeply meaningful of how painful and emotional this scenario can be for anyone. I could definitely feel a tugging inside me at how sad this would make anyone feel. But, who knows? I get easily emotional over a lot of fictional stories...

Now, I don't know if this is true or not, but I just want to say that you did an amazing job in conveying such deep emotion into just a few lines.

One thing I noticed is the syllables of the lines. If this is a haiku, the syllables of each line end up being 5-8-5. Be sure to double check how many syllables you have in each line as a future reference!

Even with three lines, the message of this poem is deeply meaningful of how painful and emotional this scenario can be for anyone. I could definitely feel a tugging inside me at how sad this would make anyone feel. But, who knows? I get easily emotional over a lot of fictional stories...

Now, I don't know if this is true or not, but I just want to say that you did an amazing job in conveying such deep emotion into just a few lines.

One thing I noticed is the syllables of the lines. If this is a haiku, the syllables of each line end up being 5-8-5. Be sure to double check how many syllables you have in each line as a future reference!

Hello, FlamingPhoneix here to drop of a short review. And to help get your work out the green room.

Let's begin.

So this was a very short but very sweet, and poetic poem. it's was really cool how it was so short, and it was really enjoyable to read. I also like how the lines just seemed to flow, and they rhymed really well to, that another reason it was fun to read.

I only saw one thing I would like to fix. As I was reading I saw you don't have any punctuation, and I guess it's not really that big of a deal when your poem is so short, but I would like you to put a full stop at the end of the last line or something.

Well that's it from me for now. I really liked reading this, and i hope to see more like it in the future sometime. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing this a fiery passion.

Hey, Che here for a quick review

Firstly, the way you managed to get across pain and emotion into such a small amount of words amazes me. It's a skill not many people have, so you should be proud of that

The only thing I spotted wrong with this is that a haiku is 5-7-5 with seventeen syllables, and your middle line actually had eight syllables making it overall eighteen. I'm not sure how you would fix that but I'm just pointing it out for you

Keep writing!

Regards, Che

Wow - just wow! How did you compact so much with only a sparse amount of words? Amazing talent you possess. My favorite line (not that there is many to choose from ) is 'Pain he never showed'. That choked me up.

I love your pieces!