Chapter one: How I met her
Ayden's prospective
When I saw her, sitting on a bench close to the cafe I was currently sitting in, there was no question to it; I absolutely had to talk to her. Several things played a factor in this: she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my life, she was looking rather helpless and confused, and she was holding onto a Jane Austin book like it was a grenade with the pin pulled out, and if she let go it would explode.
I usually pay very little notice to people, but something about her made me pay very close attention. She was sitting with her legs crossed, tall boots and a short skirt. Her shirt didn’t go low, and wasn’t very tight. She wore a hooded vest over it. It looked like she wasn't trying to draw attention to herself, with me at least, she failed miserably. Her hair was braided in random spots and let to fall over her face.
Her Jane Austen title was illegible but the style of the cover was unmistakable. I had read enough to know what they looked like. I wasn’t gay, but if I was it wouldn’t matter, she was beautiful enough to make me straight again.
When I got closer I realized that it wasn’t a Jane Austen at all, it was a hardback copy of Blood and Chocolate, another one of my favorite books. More adventure than romance and the "five" were awesome. I had just recently seen the movie, which was crap compared to the book- but now I had just one more reason to talk to her.
“Heylo,” I said confidently and sat next to her.
“Hi,” she said softly.
“Have you seen that movie?”
“What movie?”
“Blood and Chocolate.”
“Not yet.”
“Oh,” I stuck my hand out in front of her, “my name’s Ayden.”
She laughed a little but made no motion to shake my hand, or tell me her name. She looked up at the clock and walked away. “I have to go.”
“Wait,” I said following her, “what’s your name?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Um…”
She rounded a corner, walking fast.
“Wait!” I called again but she was gone.
End of chapter
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Phew. That first sentence was long. I'd suggest taking out some wordiness:
"When I saw her, sitting on a bench close to the cafe I was currently sitting in [This sounds almost too formal, and "currently" sounds a little superfolous. I'd also change "was sitting in" to "sat in" otherwise it sounds a little too removed from the reader.], there was no question to it; [I think a period rather than a semicolon would be stronger] I absolutely [I think that absolutely is unnecessary, but if it's in the character's personality to exaggarate, scratch that last bit] had to talk to her."
The second paragraph seemed like too much information; was it necessary to describe everything she was wearing? Does it further characterize her?
"I had read enough ["enough" by itself is a little vague; I'd suggest saying "enough of them" to be perfectly clear, and even then, it might help to further clarify with a noun like "those books"] to know what they looked like."
But the first part of this paragraph: "Her Jane Austen title was illegible but the style of the cover was unmistakable" was nice in the assumption made by the character.
"I wasn’t gay, but if I was it wouldn’t matter, she was beautiful enough to make me straight again." This was kind of a random sentence. Maybe reword to "If I had been gay..." to clarify sexual preference as well as make your point.
"I had just recently seen the movie, which was crap compared to the book- but now I had just one more reason to talk to her." Hmmm, in my opinion, this is a borderline author-rant, but it has the possibility of working as long as it's just the passing reference.
"More adventure than romance and the "five" were awesome" Woah. I have no idea what this sentence is talking about. In this instance, I think you should add an "it was" at the beginning because the sentence includes two sort of phrases that could stand alone.
“Oh,” I stuck my hand out in front of her, “my name’s Ayden.” You're not gonna let him let her know [that his mother's brother's kid's cousin... sorry, done with the bad jokes] how bad the movie was? Could be a conversation starter...
"She laughed a little but made no motion to shake my hand, or tell me her name. She looked up at the clock and walked away. “I have to go.” This could be a great opportunity to insert some description. Something like 80 percent of communication is body language/isn't verbal [says my sign language teacher], so tell how she laughed, how she ignored the guy, how she looked at the clock, and it has the possibility of being more telling than any dialogue.
It's a nice beginning overall, but it seems like more should be set up to lead into the next chapter. Sure, the guy didn't get the girl's name [by the way, I didn't get a sense of how old anyone is; or does it matter? Dropping hints could be helpful, like if the girl was sitting next to a high school textbook, or if the boy was working on a report to submit to his boss] but so what? What does that mean to him? Is she going to become an obsession? Does the girl have a reason to withold her name? I'll watch for the next part, mostly to see what the conflict will become.
OMG! I'm actually critting something!!! (But then again this is Alice we're talking about so yeah. It's an Exception)
Anyways. Alice I think that it could definately be worked on and with a bit of editing it can definately be better.
Loz
I like the comparing the book to something, but a grenade might not be the best choice, because I get the feeling that you want her to be holding it tightly, not carefully. (i might be wrong, it does get the point across)
And "it was a very interesting site for an out doors cafe," is disjointed, doesn't really fit. How is it and interesting site? And it has nothing to do with the girl you were describing.
You also said she looked at the clock and walked away. This might have been an opportunity to describe a watch she was wearing or her wrists. You seem keen to describe her. Also you might want to add she got up or pushed away from the table before she walked away.
Otherwise, I read it because I saw it was from a male perspective by a girl. I loved the gay line, it was also necessary considering he likes Jane Austen. He sounds like a suave metro guy so far. Hopefully that it what you are aiming for. I will without a doubt read the next chapter.
Oh yeah when and if you read chapter two (which I'll be posting later) it will be from the girls point of view.
I liked it
Thank you Claud
Moved to Fantasy Fiction
Thanks peps, but could somebody move it to Fantasy fiction? I've got chapter two but thats fantasy fiction and I'd like to have these in the same fourm.
Some grammar issues in spots, but just glancing I think others caught them...?
What does being gay have anything to do with Jane Austin...? This sentence seemed very off topic.I like the voice you use her a lot, and that alone would hook me. I did enjoy it, but there wasn't a lot to it. And I want conflict *shakes Alice* Sure, the voice caught me and so, I enjoyed it, but I want something more. Why should I care to learn about this new girl? Why should I care if he falls in love with her, or kills her? Why should I really care...at all? Come up with something to lead us into the next chapter, otherwise you'll loose your readers. You know?
The voice was really cool though, and I don't have much else to pick on
Best of luck on chapitre deux.
Lol, this was really good. I liked how he said that even if he was gay she would make him straight again. It was a very nice introduction of the characters and the voice of the whole thing is funny and grabbing. You're really good with boy POVs. Even though the things he liked bordered on girl things you shaped it so he still seemed like a boy. Thumbs up:).
, awesome. I can't wait to read more. Great job!
The fact that she just walked away is even better. Cool AND hard to get
Keep at it!
~Rieda
Alright I like decided on the offical plot to this so could somebody who can do that move it to Fantasy fiction please?
A very good beginning. Im horrible at writing Crits, but i have to say, i cant wait to read more!
Dark Magik~
I liked it, But there really wasn't much scenery to it. Was it at the school or the mall or the subway station or what? All I saw was the girl, and even she was a bit hazy.
A few run-on sentances that bothered me a little:
[coler=red]Her shirt didn’t go low, and wasn’t very tight she wore a hooded vest over it. [/color]
see wher the blue is? between those words, there should be something.
The others I think you will catch simply by reading it over
other that that, though, I think this is a great begining. keep writing!:mrgrin:
Oh jebus, thanks Dynamo I totally forgot to do that!!! *rushes to edit*
It's a pretty short chapter, that much is certain. It raises some questions as to who that girl is. Looks like a good start to a story, although maybe you could put some sort of discription as to where the story is taking place before the character sees the girl. Is it happening at school? At the mall? At a bus stop? The discriptions you gave near the end when the girl leaves gives some indication that they may be in a school, but it still doesn't paint much of a picture.
Nicely done. Like Adam said, there isn't much to crit, but I still have a few comments.
The first sentence seems to be a run-on. If you put a period after "tight" and capitalized "she" the problem will have been solved.
And as for the second sentence, you might as well take out the word "down". Saying it fell over her face is enough to give us the picture. Down isn't really needed.
Now since this is a quote, you don't need the underlining. Within quotation marks, normal rules of literature do not have to apply strictly. My point is, it looks weird.
I think it would improve by changing it to "She rounded a corner, walking fast".
Not much to say about the last line, except for maybe you should take out the "Who was she?" I'm pretty sure it's already obvious that that question is on his mind without you having to tell us. But anyway, just a small nitpick, so it doesn't really matter.
Anyways, good work!
Tony
When I saw her, there was no question to it; I absolutely had to talk to her. Several things played a factor in this: she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my life, she was looking rather helpless and confused, and she was holding onto a Jane Austin book like it was a grenade.
OK, nice intro – I’m hooked from the start. I think it sounds better as “there was no question about it” and “several things played a part” (or even better, “several things contributed to”) – in fact, you could perhaps drop that part of the sentence altogether, and instead go straight to “she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen,” as it’s less abrupt and you let the reader make his/her own assumptions. Spelling note – it’s Jane AUSTEN, not Jane Austin. Unless you’re talking about someone else?
I usually pay very little attention to people, but something about her made me pay very close attention. She was sitting with her legs crossed, tall boots and a short skirt. Her shirt didn’t go low, and wasn’t very tight she wore a hooded vest over it. Her hair was braided in random spots and let to fall down over her face.
OK, a little bit of an info-dump there. Maybe tone that down a little, drip feed us the info throughout the chapter, OK? Also, when you say her shirt wasn’t low, I think you should build on that – what assumptions does your narrator draw from this? What does this show us? Don’t tell us exactly, just use that to build on the character a little. Also; “I don’t usually take much notice of people, but something about her made me pay very close attention” (or similar). It has more impact without the repetition of words.
Her Jane Austin title was illegible but the style of the cover was unmistakable. I had read enough to know what they looked like. I wasn’t gay, but if I was it wouldn’t matter, she was beautiful enough to make me straight again.
When I got closer I realized that it wasn’t a Jane Austin at all, it was a hardback copy of Blood and Chocolate, another one of my favorite books. More adventure than romance and the five were awesome. I had just recently seen the movie, and thought it was crap compared to the book. I had just one more reason to talk to her now.
Book titles are best italicized. Should “the five” be capitalized? I think the last two sentences should be connected; “I had just recently seen the movie, which was crap compared to the book – but I had one more reason to talk to her now.”
“Heylo,” I said confidently and sat next to her.
“Hi,” she said softly.
“Have you seen that movie?”
“What movie?”
“Blood and Chocolate.”
“Not yet.”
“Oh,” I stuck my hand out in front of her, “my name’s Ayden.”
Not sure “heylo” is really viable. Also, bit of a jump from the movie to his name. Is this intentional?
She laughed a little but made no motion to shake my hand, or tell me her name. She looked up at the clock and walked away. “I have to go.”
“Wait,” I said following her, “what’s your name?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Um…”
She rounded a corner, she walked fast.
She rounded a corner, walking fast.
“Wait!” I called again but she was gone. Who was she, and would I ever see her again? I hoped so.
I don’t know about the ending here. The questions make it seem...melodramatic. Perhaps tone that down just a little. Also, is this the end to the actual chapter? Because it’s a little short if so.
Overall an intriguing beginning. I would like to find out why this girl made such an impression, and would be interested to read more. Kudos!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Thanks Adam, all fixed
It's cool. Not much to crit really. dialogue was done very well along with the descriptions. There must be more sense you left a hanger. Waiting