Young Writers Society

Holy crap, she was fast! I paused to catch my breath. I knew I wouldn't find her now; at the speed she was going, she was long gone. When I turned to walk back to the café and finish my coffee I laughed out loud, I had never literally chased after a girl before. Something was different about her though.

I was surprised to see how far I had actually [s]had[/s] chased her. It took me more than twenty minutes to get back to the cafe. I returned to my seat and ordered another cup of coffee; the one I had was really cold. I was going to be awake all night.

"Hey, Ayden," the waitress, Aja, said to me, "I almost had to open a tab for you."

"Sorry about that Aja, can I have another cup?"

"Sorry, we're closing."

Dismayed, I hailed a cab and headed for home. I plopped down on my couch in front of the typewriter and tried to write, nothing. I sighed and turned it off.

Oh why did my mother have to come and visit? I loved my mother dearly but she wasn't the most understanding person.

I fixed the gramitical errors, and i'm still trying to figure out how to make it a little more interesting.

Hm, the scenes are slightly cleaner, but it is still somewhat jumpy at the beginning.

Dismayed comma I hailed a cab and headed for home.

Improvising comma I shoved all the old news papers and take out boxes under the couch and my crumpled papers into the trash.

"Hello Ayden comma dear,"

I [s]compleatly[/s] completely ignored my fathers presence beyond waiting until he was inside to close the door.

I eidited this i hope its better .

I paused to catch my breath, at the speed she was going, she was long gone by now.

I left the crumpled papers next to my type-a-writer on the coffee table, she wouldn’t care about that.

My mom didn’t come alone, she brought my dad.

Haha! I read this the first time you showed me, but never got around to critting it. I knew I was forgetting something...

Anyway. I echo. Gabrielle and Rieda have pretty much told you everything you need to work on in order to improve this. I don't think I need to repeat them and say the exact same thing.

The plot/idea is strong, so I know it can be polished. Keep it up!

-Syd

author13 wrote:Holy crap she was fast!Good beginning. I paused to catch my breath,Period here at the speed she was going, she was long gone by now. When I turned to walk back to the café and finish my coffee I laughed out loud,Period here I had never literally chased after a girl before.

Something was different about her though; I tried to figure out what it was as I returned to my seat and ordered another cup of coffee. Oy I was going to be awake all night. I pushed my old fashioned glasses back up my face and felt like a dork. Hmm, if he's trying to figure out why something was different about her then you should probably add some thoughts from him so that this part doesn't seem so rushed.

Dismayed , I walked home and shut the door. I plopped down on my couch in front of the type-a-writer Type-a-writer? Isn't it just typewriter? and tried to write, ... instead of a comma would make more sense here nothing. I sighed and sat back, turning on the tv. I sat there for a while. This seems list-like to me. 1. turned on the tv 2.sat there. Instead add some details. These are the times where you write commentary from your characters thoughts so that we get to know them better.

“Oh crap!” I said out loud Something like "I blurted" would sound better since you already used laughed out loud in the beginning. Or even don't say that he said anything. He's the only one there so with the quotation marks it's obvious he said it aloud . when I remembered that my mom was coming to visit. She wasn’t gonna like how my apartment looked, and I didn’t feel like cleaning it up. I shoved all the old news papers and take- out boxes under the couch. I left the crumpled papers next to my type-a-writer on the coffee table, she wouldn’t care about that.More description here. How did it look? Did it smell in his room? Why wouldn't his mom like the mess? Was she paranoid? Those type of things that keep the reader interested.

I heard a knock on my apartment door and went to open it. My mom didn’t come alone, she brought my dad.Then say that he looked through the peep-hole first. I was confused at first as to how he knew his father had come. Did he just open the door all willy nilly...even without asking who it was? How could she have done that to me? She knew I wouldn’t want to see him.

I groaned and opened the door.So he didn't open the door first. My mother greeted me with a hug and my father with a quick stare. He would find every little thing wrong in my apartment and would criticize me for it. Wasn’t that a mom’s job? I took solace in the knowledge that since they were both there they would be staying at a motel for the night. Eh, don't go straight to where the parents will be going...that doesn't really seem important right now, maybe they could mention that later. Here you should show the awkwardness from the main characters point of view. Set the scene. Show more details in the parents greeting. When you introduce new characters you need to start developing them early.

There would be time to look a little more for that girl, who was she? The question should be its own sentence. And the first part sounds awkward."There would be more time to search for that girl. Who was she anyway? I’d be able to wait until tomorrow to find out who she was.I guess I could wait until tomorrow. Make him sound a little reluctant since his parents are ruining his plans. Until I knew who she was she would haunt my mind.Until I knew who she was, she'd haunt my mind. That sounds a little better.

How about Boy Meets Wolf she is a werewolf right?

perhaps more description?

"I groaned and opened the door. My mother greeted me with a hug and my father with a quick stare. He would find every little thing wrong in my apartment and would criticize me for it. "
It could have been "I inhaled deeply and unlocked the door, my mother quickly greeted me with a hug, as my father glanced at me. His attention quickly turned to the apartment and he started to...."

i don't know though...

To be honest, I didn't get it. I'm very behind today, as you can probably tell from the chat . hehe

The beginning was rushed. One second he's chasing a girl and drinking in a café, the next he's cleaning his apartment? You said:

I said out loud when I remembered that my mom was coming to visit. She wasn't gonna like how my apartment looked, and I didn't feel like cleaning it up. I shoved all the old news papers and take out boxes under the couch. I left the crumpled papers next to my type-a-writer on the coffee table, she wouldn't care about that.