I know its short, but I’m trying the short chapter thing. Also, I’m open for better title suggestions.
Untitled as of now
Chapter three:
Ayden’s prospective
Holy crap she was fast! I paused to catch my breath. I knew I wouldn't find her now; at the speed she was going, she was long gone. When I turned to walk back to the café and finish my coffee I laughed out loud, I had never literally chased after a girl before. Something was different about her though.
I was surprised to see how far I had actually had chased her. It took me more than twenty minutes to get back to the cafe. I returned to my seat and ordered another cup of coffee; the one I had was really cold. I was going to be awake all night.
"Hey, Ayden," the waitress Aja said to me, "I almost had to open a tab for you."
"Sorry about that Aja, can I have another cup?"
"Sorry we're closing."
Dismayed, I hailed a cab and headed for home. I plopped down on my couch in front of the typewriter and tried to write, nothing. I sighed and turned it off.
“Oh crap!” I said out loud when I remembered that my mom was coming to visit. She wasn’t gonna like how my apartment looked, and I didn’t feel like cleaning it up. Improvising, I shoved all the old news papers and take out boxes under the couch and my crumpled papers into the trash.
Oh why did my mother have to come and visit? I loved my mother dearly but she wasn't the most understanding person.
I heard a knock on my apartment door and went to open it. My mom didn’t come alone, she brought my dad. How could she have done that to me? She knew I wouldn’t want to see him. I was very close to hating my father.
I groaned and opened the door.
"Hello, Ayden, dear," my mother kissed my cheak and went inside.
"Hello mother, was it a long trip?"
"No not at all."
I completely ignored my fathers presence beyond waiting until he was inside to close the door.
Finding out who that girl was would have to wait until tomorrow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
That was a bit of a rough and speedy transition. It might be better to use the time frame to examine the earlier events and give us more insight into your character. this is a perfect time to increase the depth of your character.
You want to avoid repitition and since you already are writing in first person rather than saying my mother twice the second coukld be a her.
Overall it's pretty good. ONly a few minor mistakes and some missed chances to really deepen the story. Keep up the good work
I fixed the gramitical errors, and i'm still trying to figure out how to make it a little more interesting.
Hm, the scenes are slightly cleaner, but it is still somewhat jumpy at the beginning.
You still have some errors left over that I believe I mentioned in the previous crit.
You did fix a lot of things ^_~ So now All I have to complain about that looks a little more stand-out-ish now is the very, very beginning, and then ending.
As for the very beginning it just goes way too fast, I feel like I fell into a whole and I'm not sure what to expect. And with the end, it is that last sentence. We don't know before hand that he really wants to know this girl - in fact anything that has to do with the girl in this section just seems out of place. Try to make more sense, and do it naturally.
Did I mention conflict before? I'm not sure... Oh well, you need more conflict, too. Why should I care about your character and read more?
But, really don't get down that I keep finding things to pick at xD This really is an improvement!
I eidited this i hope its better
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type-a-writer? Do you mean a Type writer? I've never seen the term type-a-writer...
this is also weird, because the first part and the second part are both separate sentence, so perhaps you should use a semi colon.
Hmmm This was really short. I have a lot to say, so I think I'll make categories so I can organize my thought ><
CHARACTERS: Your main character is odd. So far, he doesn't have a name, and the only reason I even know it is a he is by the assumption that he is straight, and he is 'chasing after' this girl because he is also single. Or she could be a lesbian. We don't know. A name would help this out.
Also, develop him more. You talk about how he doesn't like his father and his father will do this and that and it obviously will upset him, but I don't see any of the emotions. If you want to make this a full scale novel I suggest developing your MC and all of your slightly major characters.
SCENES: Your story kind of jumps around a lot. It feels clunky for that. The start caught me off guard, and for that matter, then he just sat down and had coffee. Then he was at home. Then his mom showed up. Everything just happened so fast, you had no idea what was a scene and what wasn't. Keep in mind, everything you write has to forward the story in some way. Don't just ramble because you can (Unless it is NaNoWriMo ^_~) Get an idea of what scenes you want to write about it and put more effort into them. They're so bare boned. I need more to be interested in the story.
EMOTIONS: Shouldn't he feel something? He seems like a robot, not feeling anything like that. The girl is only there for five seconds, but obviously he is interested in her. What is he feeling? What does he feel about his father? Or about his mother showing up with his father? Is he mad at her, or understanding? For that matter, why IS his mom showing up?
As you can see there is so much more you need to figure out about where you are going and what you want to do with this. As of now, I know so little about your character that I wouldn't want to read more. Maybe the idea of writing short chapters is good, but you'd have to be good at writing a lot about your characters and the story in a short period of time, and I'm not even sure I could do that very well, at least not on my first try.
Haha! I read this the first time you showed me, but never got around to critting it. I knew I was forgetting something...
Anyway. I echo. Gabrielle and Rieda have pretty much told you everything you need to work on in order to improve this. I don't think I need to repeat them and say the exact same thing.
The plot/idea is strong, so I know it can be polished. Keep it up!
-Syd
Altogether it's a great start. I'd like to read more to this so tell me when you have the next installment.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
How about Boy Meets Wolf she is a werewolf right?
perhaps more description?
"I groaned and opened the door. My mother greeted me with a hug and my father with a quick stare. He would find every little thing wrong in my apartment and would criticize me for it. "
It could have been "I inhaled deeply and unlocked the door, my mother quickly greeted me with a hug, as my father glanced at me. His attention quickly turned to the apartment and he started to...."
i don't know though...
To be honest, I didn't get it. I'm very behind today, as you can probably tell from the chat
. hehe
The beginning was rushed. One second he's chasing a girl and drinking in a café, the next he's cleaning his apartment? You said:
How did he get home so quickly????? The Flash much. lol Also, you're descriptions were OK. I could see everything fine, but nothing really wowed me. Ya know?
Other than that, I enjoyed this and I think that this will be great with just a little tweakage to it. Good luck!!
-Kaity Kate