Summer at Grandmas 2

Hey Alice,

I've been wanting to critique this one for ages, so here I go.

Riley sat on [s]the[/s] bench, his elbows on his knees, resting his head in his hands.

[s]The[/s]A train rolled up and he knew he could get on it.

He didn't like how she looked now. Her usual pony-tail was let down over her shoulders and pinned in some stupid odd-fashioned [I stumbled over this word. And I'm not sure what it implies. Maybe change it to something else?]way. Her clothes weren’t her [maybe put a 'usual' here to emphasize the change? (just a suggestion.)]rugged blue jeans and tank top, but a mini-skirt and high heels.

He found nothing particularly spectacular about her, except that she looked more like Amanda should. [I really like this line!]

“Not too excited about going up there are ya?” she asked [s]her[/s]him more confidently.

She nodded, “pretty much. So what were your great summer plans?”

“Sit in my room and stare at the ceiling.”

She rolled her eyes. “Some summer plans.”

Maybe this won’t suck as much as I thought it was gonna [I suggest using 'going to' in this case.]. He hopped onto the train behind Aurelia and Amanda, and went to go get a box. [I don't get the last sentence.]

I heard you rewrote this, and it has greatly improved. There were a couple spots that I cursed myself for missing. So this is really an extension of my previous critique.

Why, why, why? [s]He[/s] he screamed in his mind. Why are they doing this to me?

Her usual pony-tail was let down over her shoulders...

“Riley!” she shouted and threw herself at him, [period] [s]he[/s] He had to catch her in the hug or she would’ve fallen onto the tracks.

Nothing spectacular about her, [period?] nothing to give him any reason to look at her further, so he sat down on the bench next to Amanda.

Her eyes screamed confidence but her voice wavered in that two letter, one syllable word...

“Not too excited about going up there are ya?” she asked [s]her[/s] more confidently.

She nodded, “[s]pretty[/s] Pretty much. So what were your great summer plans?”

That conversation morphed into conversations about sports, and books, movies, music, and everything else that mattered.

Hey good job. I could only catch one error where you switched perspectives at the beginning.

“Smooth, Amanda,” I teased letting go of her.

What up Author ^o^V

The train rolled up and he knew he could get on it, it wasn’t the train he was waiting for, but if he got on it he’d never be troubled again. He almost stood up to do so when he heard Amanda’s girly squeal from behind him, no words, just a shriek.

Please break up the first sentence.

“Hi,” he said simply glancing her over. He found nothing particularly spectacular about her, except that she looked more like Amanda should. Torn blue jeans, tank top, jacket thrown casually over it, and a heavy duffle bag thrown over her shoulder. Nothing spectacular about her, nothing to give him any reason to look at her further, so he sat down on the bench next to Amanda.

Here it was a bit confusing, because I couldn't tell if Riley was talking or Aureilia. Just a little clarification.

“You’re not losing your summer,” she said with a clever tone to her voice, “just your summer plans.”

I imagine her being a litte more smart-alek about this, i.e. "No, you're just losing all those hours on video games, scaring people off the street...." etc.

They had to stop their conversation when the train rolled into the station. Maybe this won’t suck as much as I thought it was gonna. And then he hopped onto the train behind Aurelia and Amanda and went to go get a box.

This is a bit confusing. Didn't a train already come...? Please clarify

Overall, pretty interesting. Aureilia seems like an interesting character. Please keep going with this.

Hey, Alice! I would have gotten to this about three hours sooner if my parents didn't kidnap me. ^^ I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you by giving you a nice long crit.

[s]He kept asking himself why.[/s] Why, why, why? He screamed in his mind. Why are they doing this to me?

The train rolled up, and he knew he could get on it, [period] [s]it[/s] It wasn’t the train he was waiting for, but if he got on it, he’d never be troubled again

He almost stood up to do so when he heard Amanda’s girly squeal from behind him, no words, just a shriek.

He didn’t like how she looked now, her usually pony-tailed hair let lose over her shoulders and pinned in some stupidly odd fashioned way.

“Riley!” she shouted and threw herself at him, he had to catch her in [s]her[/s] the hug, or she would’ve fallen onto the tracks.

“Smooth, Amanda,” I teased, letting go of her.

She curtsied and motioned for her friend to come up next to her, [a period instead] “This is Aurelia.”

“Hi,” he said simply, glancing her over.

Amanda had other ideas though, [period] claiming to have a chocolate craving, she walked away.[comma, lol] Leaving Riley and Aurelia alone.

They sat in silence for a moment, [delete comma] before she spoke up, [would 'muttered' or 'squeaked' be better?] “hi.” [capitalize ^^] Her eyes screamed confidence, but her voice wavered in that two letter-one syllable word, and it looked like her hands were shaking.

“Hi,” he replied simply, just staring at the tracks, picturing Claire’s face. Hoping that the poor girl would get the hint and keep her mouth shut.

“Not too excited about going up there, are ya?” she asked more [s]her voice more [/s] confidently.

Riley shrugged, “not really.”

She turned and faced him; he could see the slight dip of her shirt out of the corner of his eye and had to turn to face her.

“You’re not losing your summer,” she said with a clever tone to her voice, “just your summer plans.”

Smart-ass, he thought, [period] “[s]what[/s] What are you sacrificing in order to come up with us?”

“I know the feeling,” he said and cringed, [period] “[s]so just[/s] Just coming up to get away?”

She rolled her eyes, [period] “[s]some[/s] Some summer plans.”

Riley found himself explaining to her what had happened, [colon?] how his girlfriend had fallen in love with his best friend, and his best friend probably fell in love with her.

He hadn’t wanted to break up with her, but he did because he wanted more than anything for her to be happy [s]more than anything[/s].

That conversation morphed into conversations about sports, and books, and movies, and music, and everything else that mattered.

[s]And then he[/s] He hopped onto the train behind Aurelia and Amanda, and went to go get a box.

"Smooth Amanda," I said.

He didn't like the way she looked now, with her hair in some odd fashioned way

I Like I like, can't wait for more. Tell me when. I think they are going to MADD. I hope they are going to it seems like they will. I guess we will see.

awesome! I cant wait for part 3, is it just me or are Riley and Amanda's friend gonna hook up? i still think this is gonna make an awesome story and cant wait for more! but why did Reily break up with Claire i would feel a lot worse for him if he was dumped, not that i don't feel bat for him now. and dose reily think Amanda's friend is super hot? or ugly? or average? this will affect certain things.. thanks for writing more!