Oh my god! I can't believe I found it! this is like one of my favorites! I remember why I stopped like a thousand pages later than this, I ran out of ideas. But eventually I'm gonna get back to it, happy critiqueing!
“How in the world are we supposed to get out of here?” Gwyn asked her friend Simon. They were lost in the woods. And Gwyn was loosing her patience with the whole thing. “My father is coming home today and I would like to be there when he gets home.”
“It could still be several days,” Simon sighed. Gwyn just rolled her eyes and looked away. “Don’t worry he’ll be fine.”
“Just be quiet.” Simon was quite hurt. But he obeyed just as well. They came across a tall tree. “I’ll climb to the top and see which way back to the mission.” Gwyn lived in a monastery with her uncle while her father was off at war against Lucifer. Simon was the future churchman.
“No, let me.” Gwyn rolled her eyes again but let him. He found it and it was not all that far from where they were. When he got back to the bottom he pointed to the west “that’s the way.” They set off at a rather quick pace.
When they got there it was not yet dark. Since it wasn’t dark yet they would not have to deal with the cross-examination on where they were and why they were late.
“Has there been any sign of my father?” Gwyn asked.
Her uncle sighed before he answered, “not yet but be patient… Is there any thing else bothering you?” Gwyn just stared at the sky. “Simon… have you no feelings for him?”
“He’s like my brother.” They both sighed. Gwyn’s father did not show up that night. Instead his best friend came with some grave news.
“He was killed, by Lucifer himself.” Gwyn was in bed when her uncle was told this. But she heard, and she almost screamed. When she woke in the morning the sun had not yet risen.
“Lucifer will pay for this. My father will not have died in vein.” She took a pair of scissors and almost began to cut her hair. But just before she did Simon knocked on the door.
“Gwyn, GWYN!” he whispered. Gwyn unlatched the door and let him in.
“What?” she was irritated.
“I heard about why your father hasn’t come yet… he…”
“Don’t say it I already know.” then she began to cry. Simon put his arm around her and she cried on his shoulder. “I’m going to go fight in the war. And don’t try to stop me or I’ll knock you cold you know I can.”
“Then I’m going with you.”
“No! You’re the future churchman war is not in your problem.”
“I can beat you with a sword.”
“Only when I let you,” Gwyn sighed. He was shocked. Then she went to cut her hair. He tried to stop her without success. Her golden hair was when she was done it reached to her chin. Then she ran out to Simon’s room.
“Gwyn what are you doing?”
“I need your clothes; they won’t let a woman fight.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
trust me meep there are a lot of variations, but your defination of a lot may be different than mine so... yeah but there are differences.
Hm. I think the story could be off to an interesting start, but you need to slow it down. Give the readers more time to get settled into the story. Take some time to more fully introduce the characters and the world they live in. Maybe skip the scene in the woods and let it start with them getting ready for Gwyn's father to return, and maybe have it just keep getting later and later until he neve shows up. The scene in the woods moves too fast, and at the same time, it slows things down because we don't learn anything important about the story, y'know?
One thing to be careful of is making sure this isn't another Mulan/Alana kind of story. Even if you follow the basic "girl cuts her hair and runs away to fight for whatever reason" plotline, make sure to add some twists to make it interesting.