Chapter two: Jacob with Johns Volvo
Vivian's prospective
I ran until he had to have been out of breath, humans always did before me. The buildings had changed from the uptown stores to the tall office buildings and apartment complexes. I felt at ease here.
Why hadn’t Jacob come? I asked myself when I was sure that I had out run Ayden. He left me sitting on that bench. Oh I’m going to kick him so hard.
I thought of new and devilish ways to kill my cousin as I walked home. He said he would pick me up on that bench! Oh well, it was a full moon, I’d get my chance tonight. After all who would blame me for taking some well deserved anger out on a very dear cousin when I wasn’t myself?
When was I myself? Or what I should be? Luckas would probably kill me if I killed his son, even if I was out of my human mind. Perhaps I would end up killing Luckas first, “mistaking” him for Jacob. I groaned, if I killed both of them the rest of the pack would be against me. Jacob was one lucky mofo; he would get to live through the night. Unless… no, I couldn’t call animal control on us. Eh, I shrugged the feeling off, I’d just yell at him.
A silver Volvo passed, maybe Edward was inside it. No, my dream vampire didn’t exist. But there was always room to hope. Stephenie Meyer had made her characters from Twilight so real, but not real enough for this “fairy tale”. If werewolves existed why couldn’t vampires? But I supposed it was Gods little joke, make one but not the other.
My latest obsession was Aiden, from Blood and Chocolate . If he were real I would be over the moon about it, but I would also avoid him, the story would probably play out somewhat the same. As long as I didn’t end up falling for Luckas, the pack leader.
I was shocked at how close the author came to the concept. Werewolves could change at will, and if we liked the clothes we were wearing we had to take them off before we changed. We did have a medicine woman, only because our bodies took things differently than humans. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t notice that the silver Volvo had stopped at the end of the block.
“Hello cousin,” Jacob said in his semi-English accent, “did I give you enough time to plot my murder? Or should I drive around the block?”
“You got a new car?”
“No, mine broke down so John leant me his.”
“And you accepted it?” I opened the door.
“Either that or have John kill me for having you walk all the way home. No way Viv,” Jacob opened the door and sat down, I followed suit.
“John’s in over his head.”
“John’s in love with you.”
“I wish he wasn’t," I looked out the window and watched as the uptown scenery faded away to my surburban neighborhood.
“So you could have that human I saw you with at the café? Who was he anyways?”
“His name was Ayden.”
At the stop light he tapped my book, “Ayden and Vivian, seems like fate doesn't it?"
“Shut up Rafe.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I wouldn’t hesitate, if that happened I would take it.”
"So you'd leap at the chance to make me insane?"
"Oh my dear cousin, you're already insane. All I'm saying is, just watch yourself around humans, they're fun and all, but I don't think Luckas would think so."
Jacob pulled up to Luckas’s house and turned off the ignition. “Here we are cousin,” he stepped out and slammed the door. I groaned, did we really have to be here? “Come on Vivian, John will be wanting to know you’re safe.”
I groaned and walked into the house.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Must be, cause I understood it all... except take what? making him insane? huh?
“Hello cousin,” Jacob said in his semi-English accent, “did I give you enough time to plot
my murder? Or should I drive around the block?” -lmao! I love this line.
Anyway, very good. I didn't see any typos.
Bravo!
I added a little bit, is it any better?
Hrmm it was good but confusing at the same time. The conversation kinda threw me off a bit. Maybe because there was a bit of a lack of scenary description and action too.
That's all I can say really. If you added a bit more descritption, I think it would be clearer.
Wow, I am getting my vampire meets girl novels mixed up apparently. I know there was a vampire named Edward who drove a car, I think a Volvo, in the book Twilight and that he was in love with a girl, but most people won't get your references to non-classic novels. Also I was confused because you seemed to say that Meyer wrote blood and Chocolate.
At the least you should mention Twilight as a title, (I am afraid that critique wasn't very coherent)
I look forward to chapter three.
Hi again, this was a good second chapter,
although it was a bit confusing. 
I think you're greatest strength is dialogue, because it flows really well when I read it. That's a good thing, since bad dialogue can really kill a story.
This seems a little awkward. Even though she's alone, I don't really feel like she would say these things aloud. I think if you lose the quotations and instead put her words in italics, it would be better. Then it's clear that she's thinking these things, and I think it works better that way.
Other than that the main problem was that it was confusing. I think this is mainly because you didn't do a good job of really clarifying the situation. I think if you add in a little more detail about what's happening (in a non-infodumpy way) it would help fix that.
Hope that helps,
Tony
I re-wrote their convo, it should make a little more sense now.
I'm really confused.....Like way. I got that they are werewolves but the conversation between Vivian and Jacob made like no sense. I need more information or something.
Another thing i noticed was a flip flop between your character mind and a narrator. I think third person omniscient would be better for you. You still can have the thoughts and the narrator but they are kept separate and easily distinguishable.
yay! i like it! im horrible at writing crits, so i wont bother. But, it did seem a bit confusing...maybe im too tired. anyway...luv it and cant wait to see more!
*~~Dark Magik~~*