Running around,
inside of my head.
Are things that are better left unsaid.
Words are forgotten,
and dreams are shed.
But sugar plum daisies
dance in my head.
Spinning and twirling,
I reason about
What I'm to become,
and there is always some doubt.
Now don't get me wrong,
I'm confused too,
but maybe I'm not
as confused as you!
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
thanks guys....the point was to make you confused....hehehehe!!!
This poem made me confused... but i still like it
I love your poem! It says everything about trying to be yourself. I think if you added a bit more detail to the
Words are forgotten,
and dreams are shed.
But sugar plum daisies
dance in my head.
I don't think you need the 'but' before sugar plum daisies...
The poem also reminds me of Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken as it seems to be that the narrator is trying to make a decision and it is very difficult to know what you want to become.
Anyway, those are my comments. I hope you don't mind me being pernickety.
*lilmisswritergal*
This was cute, light hearted and fun. My suggestions? Put it aside and write the serious version. Good poetry needs more depth than this, it needs more meaning. This is fine for one of those little poems they put on cards that are there to make someone smile a little or think a little. Now write something that will get you noticed by the literary world.
The idea is good, emotions often make for excellent poems but let's start with the title. It's simple and it's plain. If you're going for a simple title, make it shorter - 'confusion' - but if you want it to be noticed, try to think beyond the main theme of your poem to the content and the aim.
As for the rest of the poem -
I'm not going to give a line for line because to be honest, I think you need to alter the entire structure. The rhymes are simple and cute and in some poetry they'd work really well but here you're trying to express confusion so why not go for an irregular structure? To convey a strong emotion, you need imagery and a strong rhythm. Something that flows and that says something a bit more than 'I'm confused, this is how it feels and now you're more confused' okay?
What does confusion represent to you? So far you have thought running through your head, right? So maybe describe a traffic jam and how the thoughts can't get through except instead of thoughts you could say cars and then use another image that could be linked to confusion but usually wouldn't be.
That way you could use a sequence of metaphors to describe confusion, literally confuse your reader and then end it with the 'I'm confused but not as much as you' but in a more subtle manner. Try to be clever so that your reader is left wondering right until the very end.
Hope this helps a little, pm me with questions dear,
Heather xx
Running around,
in side of my head.
Are things that are better left unsaid.
Words are forgotten,
and dreams are shed.
But sugar plum daisies
dance in my head. - But? Sugar plum daisies sound like they would be a dream...
Spinning and twirling,
I reason about
What I'm to become, The "to" is unessecary and throw off the flow of the poem
and there is always some doubt.
Now don't get me wrong,
I'm confused too,
but maybe I'm not
as confused as you! - Haha, I like that last line. "I confused you. LOSER!" Maybe not like that, lol.
Great job, overall. I enjoyed this poem a lot. Its hard to rhyme sometimes, but you did an awesome job of it! Keep writing!
I liked this! Your rhyming was good and it didn't sound forced, which is hard to do. My favorite lines were:
The end is the only thing I would change. It sounds too much like every other poem of this sort. A little too "Shel Silverstine-ish" But other than that, I say "Wow!!!!"
Your version (rhythm-wise and grammer-wise) is kinda off. If you tried for the structure to match the theme, you made it so perfect that it's bad! I will perhaps do a little tweaking, if you don't mind...
Running around,
inside my head
are things that are better left unsaid.
Words are forgotten,
and dreams are shed
but sugar plum daisies
dance in my head (I don't like this repetition of head).
Spinning and twirling,
I reason about
what I am to become
and there is always some doubt. (The three lines above are very awkward. Please change the rhythm.)
Now don't get me wrong,
I'm confused too:
but maybe I'm not
as confused as you!
Overall, this was fun, but it was only okay. It didn't really qualify as a good poem--maybe if you change around the structure a bit, it'll be good enough.
PM me if you need any help!
I realize that you didn't change the capitalization of the title yourself, but I just wanted to let you know that I saw this in the new posts and noticed that the caps had been removed, and so clicked on it again, thinking you may have edited it. I was planning to see what changes you had made, etc. to see if I could offer more advice or (hopefully!) some compliments. So the caps thing definitely made a difference to me in terms of making the piece more legitimate. Just wanted to let you know!
I am fixing your title again, for the third time today.
Please do not write the title in caps.
Yes, I'm definitely confused. The line breaks come at very strange times, and your capitalization and punctation are irregular and ill-fitting. I don't really know what you're trying to say here, either. Read this aloud a few times; I think that will help to make it more clear. There's nothing wrong with having a confusing poem about confusion - I'm all for form following function - but this just didn't work.
I second Syddles about the title; lose the caps and the ellipses. They don't work.
Good luck!
The first thing you might want to do is get rid of the caps in your title.
It's not too appealing. ^_^
I liked this! The content was fine to me, and I thought you expressed yourself pretty well.
I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that "inside" is one word.
Uhh... I think your punctuation is off. But, then again, I know very little about poetry. But... perhaps there should be a comma after "head", rather than a period?
This line confused me a bit.
All-in-all, I enjoyed this. Very nice! ^_^ I'm not too fond of the exclamation point that you have at the end of your last line, but that's just me. It just throws the poem off a bit because you're shouting.
Otherwise, good! I liked it. Best wishes with your writing!
~*Syd*~