As I was walking along one day,
Singing a song of joy and play.
The rain was pouring down
I thought what a glorious sound.
Jumping with glee,
I said yipee!
Drenched to the bone
Without any phone.
I dashed under a gutter,
And fell with a splutter.
Sending water flying in the air,
Soaking everything everywhere!
As I picked myself up,
I ran to catch up
Then I slipped and I fell
And let out a yell.
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
The poem flowed very well and it was funny indeed. Writing poetry that comes from real experiences tends to be the most entertaining to read. Keep up the good work.
It was good, but you should have a space in between every four lines, O.k?
I liked the rhyming and how you used something old and a life story and put it in an actual story, this one.
Good work and keep going!
shanan-cat!
^If you "don't get it yourself", may I perhaps suggest revising it?
Anyway, it was kind of cute I suppose. The rhyming and rhythm changes really bothered me though. The rhyme just doesn't sound natural at all. Would you say to your friend "Yeah, so the other day I was singing a song of joy and play..." I didn't think so. Yes, poetry is usually a different kind of language than what you would usually speak with, but really now. This sounds like you realized the words "day" and "play" rhymed so you found a way to force them into a poem.
As for the rhythm...it basically changes every couple of lines. Here's just one more obvious example :
See how the first two lines rhyme and have the same rhythm? The second two have different rhythm and a different rhyme pattern. It's never good to change your rhythm like that, it just sounds awkward. I don't know if you did that on purpose or not, but it needs to be fixed.
In general, it was a pretty cutesy poem, which I know was what it was supposed to be. Didn't really wow me, and in 5 minutes I'll have probably forgotten all about it....don't know what you can do about that though.
ya know i really dont get it myself when i sat down adn read it (about a hundred times!) but thats life!!!i guess it was just suppose to be funny!!! LOL
XD,
Jennie
Hi wolves--
It's kind of cute, but there is no point to it? I think the rhyme ran it more then it should have. Don't let rhyme take over your poetry, it will kill you every time!
I don't really feel like there is an ending? You slipped and you fell is a whole new part that doesn't have a definite ending sound. But, the main issue is the pointlessness of the poem, I think. Why should we care about you falling? What came of it? What does your phone have to do with any of it? Try to center your poems around one main theme and work outward from there...but definitely have a point.
Good luck!
Hey!
I liked it. It was both creative and funny, in a modern day Dr.seuss kind of way.
But i would suggest changing some words around.
Good job
T
Heyhey, Wolvesofthenight!
This is quite a nice, funny poem. It seems like you wrote it for that intention alone, so that's kind of cool.
Just a few points to make, if even in regards to the structure.
The rhyming scheme feels sort of forced, for example the first two lines
The word 'As' is over-used in poetry to start a poem. I would suggest maybe reordering it to-
That's just a suggestion though, so feel free to ignore.
However saying that, I really liked these two lines
All in all though a pretty cool poem. Nice job.
Eimearxx