The Serpent(warning this may hurt......)

*singerofthenight* wrote:Why do you do this to me?
Violating my space,
running your slimy,
scaly claws,
up and down my spine.
Chills over come me,
Making me unable
to move.
Feeling paralyzed,
and scared.
You rake your scales,
over my thigh.
Moving closer and
closer.
To the point
it wants to reach.
Perspiration rests on my brow.
Im terrified,
paralyzed and ashamed!
You ask me questions,
questions I don't want to answer.
You whisper into my ear,
things I wish I'd never hear.
You vile serpent.
Can't you see I'm uncomfortable?
Leave me be!
You run your claws,
under my shirt.
Sending trails,
of chill bumps chasing after.
You vile serpent!
Take your slimy,
scaly claws off of me!
I will stand for this
No more!
You desolate,
Unforgivable being!
This vile,
outrageous monstrocity,
will continue
no more!

Im terrified,

"I'm" is how it's spelled

What to say...... WOW!! I really enjoyed it and I thank you for standing up for women's rights and showing the world how some men are vile, spineless, creatures(Resembling pigs!!)

Interesting... quite interesting...
I thought about it and I want to say that you aheva repeated soem lines twice. Like you said let me be more than once but in different context/form.
Mabe you should change it...
Think about it and tell me what you have done to improve it ina PM.
shanan-cat!

I liked it. I like the way you used figurative language. I can feel the emotion of the poem. Very good!

Some good points have been made. I think you could trim this down a bit as you don't need everything you say. Maybe try;

"Why do you do this to me?
Violating my space,
running your slimy,
[s]scaly [/s]claws, (omit comma)
up and down my spine.
[s]Chills over come me,
Making me unable
to move.
Feeling paralyzed,
and scared. [/s]
You rake your scales,
over my thigh.
Moving closer [s]and
closer.
To the point
it wants to reach[/s].
Perspiration rests on my brow.
[s]Im terrified,
paralyzed and ashamed!
You ask me questions,
questions I don't want to answer.[/s]
You whisper into my ear,
things I wish I'd never hear.
You vile serpent.
[s]Can't you see I'm uncomfortable?
Leave me be! [/s]
You run your claws,
under my shirt.
Sending trails,
of chill bumps chasing after.
You vile serpent!
[s]Take your slimy,
scaly claws off of me!
I will stand for this
No more!
You desolate,
Unforgivable being![/s]
This vile,
outrageous monstrocity,
will continue
no more!"

You use some good imagery throughout. Remember to show, and not tell, and reduce your poems to the lines that it really needs.
Hope this helps.
Jas

Excessive line breaks are the least of this poem's worries.

A larger problem is that the poem means little to a reader without context. What are we supposed to take away from a poem that is 1) unoriginal 2) repetitive and 3) addressed to an ambiguous second person? The poem is not justified because it is cryptic; tell us a story instead of spitting out vague images and accusations.

To address each of my three complaints:

1) Unoriginal. The idea of a serpent as a figure of evil is ancient; that's doesn't mean it's out-of-bounds, but that does mean that you have to be able to do it well to pull it off. As for the images, they're standard creepy-scary-sketchy images as far as those go, and I find myself not caring what the poem is a metaphor for.

2) Repetitive. The word "vile" is in this poem three times. Enough said.

3) Addressed to an ambiguous second person. It's fine to put a poem in the second person, but it still has to make sense to the reader. Consider that your reader wants to know why this poem applies to his life; why should he care about the story? Why should he care about the speaker's feelings for the subject? What do you want the reader to get out of this poem?

I think you know what you are doing with the line breaks. It may not be customary, but thats the whole point, right? I also agree with the punctuation though, too much.

It also seems contradictory to say you can slide on using all the punctuation and then say there must be four or more words per line.

It was a great poem and I enjoyed reading it. The best way I can describe it is that it was... raw (as corny as that sounds).

Thanks for the great poem,

Trick

I dunno about the critique that Via gave. I'll admit right now that I am not much of a poetry critic, but I liked the places that the lines were chopped up. I agree with Via that the punctuation was a bit distracting and some of the commas weren't needed or should be replaced, but I enjoyed the choppy, frantic feeling of the poem that the line lengths implied.

One critique: "Im terrified" = "I'm" - you have a missing apostrophe in there.

Congrats on your poem. I like it well indeed.

~GryphonFledgling

yeah thanx...i try to see what i can do....

I just fixed your title, second one of yours today. As eye-catching as caps my be please do not use all caps in your title/tagline. Thanks!

Now onto the poem...

I think the punctuation you have here is messing up the flow and that's distracting me from any meaning the poem may have so I'll tell you how to fix it

Why do you do this to me?
Violating my space;
running your slimy,
scaly claws
up and down my spine.
Chills over come me,
Making me unable
to move.
Feeling paralyzed
and scared;
You rake your scales
over my thigh.
Moving closer and
closer.
To the point
it wants to reach. [<what?]
Perspiration rests on my brow.
Im terrified,
paralyzed and ashamed!
You ask me questions,
questions I don't want to answer.
You whisper into my ear
things I wish I'd never hear.
[You vile serpent.
Can't you see I'm uncomfortable?
Leave me be!]
You run your claws,
under my shirt.
Sending trails,
of chill bumps chasing after.
You vile serpent!
Take your slimy,
scaly claws off of me!
I will stand for this
No more!
You desolate,
Unforgivable being!
This vile,
outrageous monstrocity,
will continue
no more!