Many days go by,
Flying it seems,
To touch the sky.
I’m living for today,
Waiting for tomorrow and
Remembering the yesteryears gone by.
Dreams flow around me,
Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,
Burning the one I love.
Love passes by,
Passes by and whispers my name.
As I lie,
Clouds surround me.
As I dream,
I lie there in the clouds
It seems,
Many days go by,
Flying it seems to touch the sky.
I’m living for today,
Waiting for tomorrow and
Remembering the yesteryears gone by.
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
This was good, but it almost seemed as if you were repeating yourself the whole time. I liked it and everything, but this isn't my favorite that you wrote. You have talent and I'm not denying that, but I'm saying that you need to live up to your full potential. Hope that helps if you need any help. As always, keep writing!
Really good, I liked it Jenny. It had a nice flow. You seem very talented at poetry, unlike me.
Keep up the good work and keep writing.
Yeah i really like this poem
:)
mainly because it has the word dream in
Cos at the end of the day i think poetry is all about dreaming, its putting down in versus and lyrics and rhymes what othgers can only dream to do, aspiring to dreams in words. and i really think u have captured this in the poem
I lie there in the clouds
I like this line especially cos i think it totally puts a great view in the readers head, its quite metaphorical really
xxx
This was good!
I thought the flow was really nice and you seemed to have many things going for you.
The only thing that kind of made it choppy was these lines:
something about these just caught me off guard. It made me pause. If you just read through it again a couple times, you'll see what I mean.
Otherwise, I thought it was good
What kind of competiton?
i read this and instantly thought wow. the way you have written it is so amazing and u have paid a lot of attention to detail. i love your rhyming becuase it isnt forced but helps the piece to flow.
I love how you make links near the end. this is very clever indeed.
i especially love the line...Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
very good indeed.
you have obviously thought this out extremely carefully. you should definately get a good result in that competition
you could maybe have a semi colon after the bit where it says...
' Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,' if you put it after the word 'sun' perhaps?
otherwise i adore it. great work!
I think these lines are very good
What! No critiques? Oh well, if you read this at least try and leave a comment.
I'm sending this off for a competition.