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142,234 Literary Works • 677,065 Reviews
Wow. Well, this was, uh, what word am I looking here for. Interesting, to say the least. It was very creepy, and at the end, sad. There were a couple of things that bothered me somewhat. There were a couple of times where you kind of broke your flow. Like "rationality strands," it just didn't seem to fit.
Overall, it was creepy, sad, and it had good flow. Keep it up!!
Hello. I don't think we've met. I'm Mr. K.
Anyways, poem.
Not going to lie, I don't like it. All we really have here is a relatively simple narrative. No metaphor, no imagery, no abstraction, and (worst of all) nothing emotive. This is just basically rhyming prose with line breaks. If you want to tell stories, write prose. Poetry should be reserved for things you cannot express in prose. It's difficult, and it takes practice. Instead of simply telling a story, take one element of this ^ and really explore it. Turn it inside and out, look at it through all sorts of lenses. Find out what it sounds like or tastes like. Then tell your audience what you've discovered. Tell them something they hadn't noticed before. Make them think in a new way.
Now, the rhyming. My mentor drilled into me that rhyming for rhyming's sake is a cardinal sin. The integrity of the line should be the first (and really, the only) thing you worry about. Only an incredibly talented poet can constantly rhyme and write a good poem. I would say there are no such poets on YWS; they are an extremely rare breed. I mean, look at this:
Doesn't that just make your skin crawl? It's so contrived, so disjointed. So basically, never try to rhyme. Say exactly what you mean to say, rhyme or not.
I think you need to read a lot more poetry. We cannot put out without putting in. Read the works of the YWS greats such as MeanMrMustard, Kit, Kamas, Lumi, Persy, Nightshade, Dreamwalker, PenguinAttack, etc., and read other famous poets (I would personally suggest Eliot, Cummings, Auden, and Lawrence). Learn poetic tradition, notice what the greats do. Write less, read more!
K.
Please do seek proffessional help. But in regards to your writing congradulations. You constructed a story and made it very dark, ominous, gruesome, and somehow beautiful. It reminds me of the song "Howl' by Florence and the Machine for some odd reason. Keep it up! See a doctor and then try writing about butterflies or something! lol
I have doctors, they're just having trouble putting out the fire of my insanity. Thanks for liking my poem XD