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The monster within | Chapter Seven |

by vampricone6783


*This is chapter seven of my fanfic “The monster within”. This is a fanfic that’s based off the R.L. Stine movie “Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls”. It takes place a year after the events in the movie. This chapter is underneath my folder titled “The monster within…”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*



LUKE

The bell has to ring. It’s the last class of the day. Math. This class has been going on forever. I can’t stand sitting here in makeup. It’s just so hot.

My tongue hurts. Why does it hurt? It hasn’t been hurting before. Maybe I’ve been biting my tongue too hard. Maybe-

RINGGGGGGGGGGG

Finally! Sweet, glorious, freedom!


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34 Reviews

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Reviews: 34

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Wed Jun 12, 2024 6:42 am
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AnotherCrowInRow wrote a review...



Hi! I'm here with a quick review. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to rush read at least two or three previous chapters, so I don't know the full context of the story. Anyway, I can't give you proper feedback, mainly because even the "intro" to the story itself probably has more words than the chapter itself. I understand that your story probably comes out in small chapters, but maybe it would be better if you combined several such mini-chapters into one chapter. This contribution here sounds more like an introductory paragraph. I don't see any grammatical errors here and I can't really deduce much.
I like the ending - freedom is exactly right name for end of school. Also, the whole piece have a promising sounding - it is just short, so we don't know nothing more about story. So the overall summary of the review goes something like this: no major flaws, but maybe consider linking the chapters.




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99 Reviews

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Tue Jun 11, 2024 4:09 am
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Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will apologize as this will be a shorter review. I also feel I must say that I am unaware of the past chapters and the movie this is based on. With all that being said shall we get into the finer details?

I couldn't find anything grammar or typo-wise to give feedback on since this is a very brief piece. However, that's where my biggest piece of advice comes in I wish this is longer. Since the chapter is so short it ends up my opinion feeling like a great opening that ended abruptly. As I said before I haven't read the other chapters so I cant give exact ways to expand this piece.

If I had to make some vague guesses I would recommend showing him bolting out the door and rushing to some plot-important place. Perhaps show some more of his life or use that time to deepen the conflict. Although I cant give anything more detailed out of not wanting to derail the plot.

Other than that, I think if given a little more substance, this could be an interesting little read. Even if I don't know much about the plot I get the sense some action or horror is waiting around the corner and that's always fun.

As always keep writing and drink water!





trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings