Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

12+

Soil of misery

by QueenMadrose, Coffeeboyjay, rida


My shadows follow me in my sleep

They tell me all the things I can't be

My paranoias creepin in

Turns out betrayal is all I know

-----

Or roses; breaths become statics then thunderstorms;

Another way to define blood:

Something else we lose when families turn

------

Cover my petals in the shadows of all kinds

Pretend that the sadness is not there

------

Pretend that our families actually cared

Turn my demons into friends

Feel the flowerbed of misery

-----

Silence & swallowed thorns-

The way we become false daises, silence interpreted wrong;

For once, show that you care...

-----

We've been together so long

I lost track of counting the years

But did it matter

You cast them away like the wind hurls seeds

----

Like a weed in my own soil,

When loneliness creeps up on me

Did it matter though?

Were you really there?

-------

The way silence clutters my throat;

I know I'm the burden they truly hold

Let the shadows follow us in our sleep

Our paranoias creepin' in

Turns out betrayal is what we know

Feel the flowerbed of my misery


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 226
Reviews: 58

Donate
Fri Jun 24, 2022 6:02 pm
YourFriendQuirks08 wrote a review...



Heyyy,
Rubes here with a review! I really enjoyed the piece and think it was extremely well written. In my reviews I like to pick a few quotes and analyse them, so that you can see an interpretation and compare it to the purpose that you wrote it for (if that makes sense). I feel like this helps the writers to see mistakes in their techniques and change it to be more suitable for them and the poem/novel/chapter etc.
Anyways, let’s get into it!

“My shadows follow me in my sleep
They tell me all the things I can't be”


Oooh, really nice start here. I can visualise this quite clearly which is really important, especially to me, when reading. Personally, I see a broken down emotional state, a mental dystopia in a way. It’s created from self-criticism and a pressure to always succeed, when really it's impossible to be able to do that.
Really strong start!

“Cover my petals in the shadows of all kinds
Pretend that the sadness is not there”


Strange! I like this though. I do find it a bit confusing, but then again I’m only fourteen ; I’m only just getting used to advanced writing such as this. I view the ‘petals’ to be describing the true feelings - and in this case sadness - and mental state of the protagonist. The shadows appear to me to be the doubt, pressure, sadness, fear etc both originating from other people, as well as our own selves.

“Feel the flowerbed of misery”


This metaphor is gorgeous! Flowers grow, just like some of our pains and emotional distress in life, and this shows it beautifully. I also like the contrast between flowerbeds and misery. The brightness and happiness being associated with flowers juxtaposing with the dullness and pain of misery. It’s been very well written also!

“Let the shadows follow us in our sleep
Our paranoias creepin' in”


Good use of semantic field!




User avatar
92 Reviews


Points: 1000
Reviews: 92

Donate
Sat May 28, 2022 10:59 pm
View Likes
momonster wrote a review...



hello! i'm here with a review for this poem as requested c:

i loved reading this! it was sad, but it was very well written. my favorite line was Turn my demons into friends / Feel the flowerbed of misery. just *chef's kiss* it was lovely! i have a couple things to point out, so let's get into it!

My paranoias creepin in

  • that should be paranoia's.
  • that should be creepin'.

Or roses; breaths become statics then thunderstorms;

i think that should be static, no s.

Our paranoias creepin' in

again, paranoia's.

that's it! great job with this; you all collaborated wonderfully. i'm sorry if i came across as harsh, and if you disagreed with me in any part of this review, feel free to ignore it!
stay safe,
momo




QueenMadrose says...


Thanks for the feedback<33



User avatar
415 Reviews


Points: 246
Reviews: 415

Donate
Sat May 28, 2022 4:36 pm
View Likes
Eros wrote a review...



Hello there!

This is Eros here, with a review for your wonderfully work. The title of your poem is really really catchy. The poem is interesting and the choice of words you used is simply awesome.

The theme of the poem and the main idea of it is unique and deep. Lovved it so much!

The last stanza:
"The way silence clutters my throat;

I know I'm the burden they truly hold

Let the shadows follow us in our sleep

Our paranoias creepin' in

Turns out betrayal is what we know

Feel the flowerbed of my misery"

Is my personal favourite <3 <3


The questions asked in the second last stanza gave the poem a really good touch.
I don't see any flaws here, it's just too good and awesome. Shadows never be your part, this is an awesome metaphor used by you.

Can never apart as well as never be your part. But at the end of the day, they remain with you and you can rely on it . It's like the sun which daily comes in your life and ends your day .
Life is great with them , but you never know the time that when your good days will end . It's your pain and your sufferings at the end of the day.

Keep writing such awesome stuff,
And we would love to keep reading and reviewing them.
Have a good day/night
With love,
From Eros :D




QueenMadrose says...


Thanks for the feedback<33



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 243
Reviews: 33

Donate
Thu May 26, 2022 4:21 pm
View Likes





User avatar
301 Reviews


Points: 39
Reviews: 301

Donate
Thu May 26, 2022 3:52 pm
View Likes
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Who knows? Even families can spread lies and abandon.You’ll be left wondering if anyone was ever there.But it’s important that you can still shine no matter what.Not for anyone but yourself.It’s important that you give yourself the most love.I enjoyed how this poem was written.You can feel the narrator’s anguish and struggle.I hope that you have a nice day/night.




QueenMadrose says...


Thanks for the feedback! :)




Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides