z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

War of Dawn - Chapter 3

by Costa


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 3: Welcome, Novitiate

Hilda feels a mix of dizziness and pain, her senses still readjusting after the ritual finished. There's a small mirror stuck on the wall by the entrance to the room of the Nexus Crystal, so she stumbles over to it and lifts the bangs in her hair. A small circle with a diamond at the center is now engraved in her forehead and she can only stare at it with horror in her eyes.

"No...no, no, no... This can't..." Hilda tries backing away but can't keep her bearings and slips, though Ryouma catches her.

"Easy. Your body needs a few moments to adjust to it," he says.

Ryouma quickly orients Hilda to sit on a padded chair besides the mirror. As she does so, he places his hand on her head. Waves of red energy begin wafting around it from his hand, like a wind current that orbits Hilda.

"What're you doing?" she asks with a pained voice.

"This is the first time in your entire life that your body has interacted with the flow of Prana. I'm simply easing the process, controlling how much is passing through until you've stabilized."

Hilda can see that he's trying to explain things but he might as well be speaking that crazy language of his. Still, she is far too concerned with the Altr's decision to care.

"Ryouma, I—" she tries to speak up but he interrupts her.

"I know this is a frightening situation, especially for an untrained person, but it is what it is. Don't worry, though. There are plenty of folks here to help you get used to it, as they've done for countless others before."

No, Hilda thinks to herself, I know what fear is actually like and this isn’t it.

Indeed, what she’s feeling is more like a mix of shock, outrage and frustration. She figured she'd come here, the Altr would see that she's the last person who deserves to be a Scion and she'd be back at the bar by dinnertime. Hilda has half a mind to punch Ryouma for putting her in this situation but knows that doing so would only backfire terribly.

So, she just sits there, mulling with her eyes closed, as he continues with his magic. After about a minute, the pain and dizziness subside.

"Are you feeling better now?" he asks.

She is, though having her thoughts back together only serves to boost the anguish she’s feeling. However, Hilda notices something that draws her attention.

"Yeah but... what happened to your accent? It's gone."

Now that she paid attention to it, she realizes that, after the ritual ended, Ryouma started speaking English as though he'd done it his entire life. Hilda entertains the idea that he'd been toying with her but he doesn't seem like one for practical jokes.

Ryouma answers her question with a faint chuckle. "That's usually the first thing they ask... Come with me. I'll explain along the way."

After a quick knock, the guards outside open the large doors to the room.

"Congratulations, Novitiate. Welcome to the Corps," they say, having also started speaking English despite Hilda being unable to understand them mere moments ago. Before she can question them, Ryouma gestures for her to follow.

"Tell me, Hilda, do you know what 'Prana' is?" he asks.

"Your legend says it's the life force of everything in the world, right?"

"Very good," Ryouma smiles. "I suppose those who live in the Northern Reaches wouldn't have forgotten the story."

"Hm," Hilda mumbles. "Everyone in Litnir hears it when they’re kids."

"Regardless, you're correct; it is the essence of everything that lives across all planes of existence: humans, animals, plants, the Altr, the Valnr, etc. What the Altr do when one becomes a Scion is infuse that person with a speck of their divine Prana in order to open what's called the 'seal of the mind'."

"And that does...?" Hilda asks right back, annoyed that his answer only begets more questions.

"It is the first of four seals that regulate how much you can draw from the flow of Prana that permeates the world. Normally, living creatures are isolated from it when their bodies are formed. Our – and the Valnr's – combat and magical arts all rely on manipulating Prana, so the more you can wield of it, and the better your control, the stronger you become as a Scion, see?"

"I think so," she nods as Ryouma continues.

"The other three seals are called the seals of the body, heart and soul. As you break through those, you'll be able to tap into a greater portion of the flow of Prana. It is not easy, mind, so there'll be a lot of work for you to do!"

"Don't suppose there's an easy way around that, huh?" she grumbles.

"I'm afraid not. The flow of Prana is an unforgiving force that can easily hurt you if wielded improperly," Ryouma answers with a more serious expression. "Growing as a Scion doesn't mean simply honing your strength and skill but also strengthening your mind and spirit to have the focus and resilience needed to interact with it. Breaking those seals yourself is a necessary step of that process."

"Fine... I guess that'd be too easy," Hilda sighs, disappointed. "What about you? How many seals you got open?"

A proud smile forms on Ryouma's face. "I'm a General which, by definition, makes me an Ascended Scion - that means I've unlocked the seals of mind, body and heart. As of right now, there are four others at this level, including our commandant. You'll meet them eventually, I'm sure."

Hilda can't help but wonder what kind of people these other four Scions would be. Hopefully not like Ryouma. She takes a look at the guy, still yacking nonstop, and just wishes she could ditch the guy head back home. Still, there’s that commandant… that’s the person she needs to find and demand to be discharged her from this insanity. Until then, she exhales deeply and keeps listening to Ryouma.

"We, the five Ascended Scions, are the strongest and highest ranked in the corps right now. Below us are those who have unlocked the seals of mind and body: the High Scions. Below them are the Novitiate Scions, like you, who've only unlocked the seal of the mind.” He punctuates this lecture by pointing at the single circle emblem at her forehead.

"Incidentally, you asked what happened to my accent. Prana is infused with the will of those that draw upon it, so, with your seal of the mind open, you can now sense what I'm trying to communicate... if I so desire, that is," Ryouma continues.

Hilda's brow furrows in confusion at this. "Hold on. So, I'm not listening to you but to your thoughts?"

"Yes and no. Haven't you noticed how the movements of my mouth aren't coinciding with the words you hear? I'm speaking in my own language, Japanese, but because I want to be understood by you, the Prana that flows through me interprets what I mean to say and passes it to you in a language you’ll understand."

Ryouma gets closer to Hilda as he says this and, indeed, his mouth is making different movements for the words she's hearing. She also realizes that this is why she suddenly knew what that cyan light – Orlen – said to her after he made her a Scion: it was only then that she could interpret his will and understand his speech.

"Wow, that sounds... really confusing but, also, really handy," Hilda exclaims.

"To keep it simple: any Prana wielder can make himself understood by his peers if he wants to. It is a skill the Altr gave us during the War of Twilight, when Grand Scion Eliina needed to organize recruits from all over the world into an army."

Hilda shrugs with a phony smile – anything to get on with this and find the commandant. "I guess that makes sense, sure.”

Up ahead, the main hallway splits in two: one path leads eastward while the other leads straight into a very large room. No one's in right now but Hilda sees dozens of enormous wooden tables lined up, all of them surrounded by comfortable chairs. Tall windows of stained glass, decorated with equally tall red curtains, as well as several golden chandeliers and candlesticks placed about the tables keep it all nicely lit.

"This is the dining hall for the entire Corps. The resident cooks make food for all sorts of tastes, so I'm sure you will be well served," Ryouma says while taking a deep breath to catch the smells coming from the kitchen.

Hilda notices not only the ever familiar scent of pork and beef but, also, the more uncommon smell of vegetables – not so easy to come across in the Northern Reaches, with its perpetual winter. The smells take her thoughts back to Gustaff's bar. The miners should be ending their shift right about now, meaning Edda and the temp waitresses must have their hands full. What she wouldn't give to be back there with them.

"Aah... There’s nothing like coming home with your comrades after saving some village and sharing a nice glass of beer and a plate of roasted pork... Just make sure you behave in there, hm?" Hilda sees Ryouma's nostalgic gaze shift into something of a thousand-yard stare. "Make a mess and Greta, the head chef, will give you hell for it."

He stands there for a few seconds – Hilda ponders what could be crossing his mind – before clearing his throat and continuing down the hallway. They soon reach a three-way split: the main path carries on but four mighty sets of stairs are located besides it, one pair leading up and the other down.

"This section of the castle is the entrance to the living quarters; two dormitories take up the east and west wings of the second floor. As a Scion of Orlen, you will be staying on the one to the east," he says, pointing towards the right-most, upwards stairway. "The two stairways leading downwards will take you to the underground lakes that act as the baths – the one for the women is, also, on the right."

This crossroads of sorts acts as something of a gathering spot for the Scions when not in the dorms themselves. A couple of tall windows give a fine look of the outside and several couches are set about with small marbled tables and footrests. The furniture here is so fancy, it wouldn’t look out of place in some nobleman’s home.

Guess the Corps at least gets decent money for its work, she thinks.

A few dozen Scions are speaking to each other, discussing battle techniques, strategies or just making small talk. They do take the time to stand up and salute – raising a closed fist over to their chest, keeping it parallel to the ground – when Ryouma passes by.

"Someone's respected around here," Hilda sniffs.

"Seniority comes with its own set of responsibilities. The more experienced train those beneath them, as has been since the beginning. High Scions all learn from us, the Ascended Scions, and that does wonders towards spreading respect for the hierarchy," Ryouma punctuates his answer with a sly wink.

"And where are the other Orlen Scions? They must suck if you have to bring in people like me to pick up the slack..." she asks with a sour expression.

Ryouma's lips pucker at her question and his answer bears a clear undertone of frustration. "Hrm, not quite... Scions of Orlen are a unique-ish case. Our patron god is, shall we say, picky when it comes to giving me new recruits. In truth, you've already met the entirety of the Orlen Brigade."

Hilda stands there for a second, looking at Ryouma's dejected face. Soon, she bears an indignant expression as the other shoe drops.

"Wait... you're the only member of this 'brigade'?!"

Ryouma throws his hands in the air in resignation. "Unfortunately, yes. Lord Orlen is the god of justice, war and divine retribution, making him one of the mightiest Altr. This, I think, results in him having rather high requirements for someone to be chosen as his Scion."

Hilda stands indignant but fumes quietly. She’s just about to yell at Ryouma for getting her in this mess of a “brigade” but she doesn’t. The old man’s face turns into a deep frown which stymies her outrage.

"Before you, the last time one was chosen was about five years ago. Much as it pains me to say, he died a young High Scion, leaving me as the sole member of our group," Ryouma continues, his words heavy with sorrow. "The Valnr may only have a fraction of their old might but they are still a force to be reckoned with. Most of the casualties the Corps incurs are from young Scions, who've yet to fully mature."

Ryouma speaks like a man who's seen many old comrades and apprentices lose their lives. Hilda feels a bit of sympathy for him but his words only her frustration further and it overpowers whatever else she may be feeling. "And then your god goes and chooses... a waitress. The first recruit in five years, even. You can't think this is actually a good idea, right?"

Ryouma sighs and places his hand on her shoulder.

"I do, absolutely. I admit that your situation is unusual but the Altr don’t recruit fools," he answers with a confident smile. "Have some faith in yourself. I know there is a lot of strength and potential behind this mantle of insecurity you wear."

You're wrong, Hilda thinks to herself, closing her eyes for a brief moment. I'm nothing like that – at all – and you'd think 'gods' would know that.

Continuing past the entrance to the dormitories, the main hallway turns again and heads south. Right around the corner is a rather plain small door and, beside it, a pair of wooden doors bearing a carving of the Corps. emblem split between them.

"Behind these large doors is the Hall of Generals, where we convene to discuss the status of the war, recent developments, strategy and whatnot. Considering the importance of these meetings and how sensitive the information is, non-Generals may only enter with permission, understood?" Ryouma turns to Hilda who nods in confirmation.

"To the side is the office of our esteemed Commandant, Eliza McCready. You'll be hard-pressed to find a Scion with more experience or contempt for the Valnr than this one," he adds. Coming in close to Hilda, he then lowers his voice to a whisper. "She keeps an open door policy but is known for being quite the tough woman, so make sure you are on your best behavior when dealing with her."

Perfect. This is exactly who Hilda was looking for. She’s just about to walk in and set the record straight with this Eliza when a ripple stretches in the red wall right next to them. Like it suddenly turned to water, the wall twists in a spiral and materializes a portal of dark energy right upon its surface.

"I can still hear you, Ryouma," says a woman's voice coming through the portal. It is the strictest-sounding voice Hilda's heard in her life and she reflexively stops in her tracks and straightens out her posture.

"Oh...! Excuse me, Lady Eliza," he blusters, "I was just showing our newest member around the keep!"

"So I see. Get her training started right away. She needs to be combat-ready ASAP," Eliza's portal vanishes like it was never there as soon as she finishes her command.

Hilda can't bring herself to speak up, her the myriad of emotions churning within her held in check by how intimidated she feels. Ryouma turns to the wide-eyed girl and shrugs before beckoning her further down the hall.

"She... really doesn't sound like someone you want to piss off," says Hilda, still feeling a bit daunted.

"Hah, you really don't," Ryouma laughs. "But, you know, in Japanese, there's an expression that describes her perfectly: 'Kimenbusshin'."

"Ki... what now?"

"That’s a Yojijukugo – an idiom of four characters. This one essentially means 'to have a stern face but a tender heart'."

Hilda raises an eyebrow in doubt – a whole lot of doubt. "If you say so."

"But you heard her. There is still more of the Keep to be shown but we can save that for later."

Ryouma brings her towards the storeroom of the keep, further down the hallway. Its large metal doors are wide open for anyone to come in and, within, hundreds of pieces of weapons, armor, food and assorted materials lie organized in different sections.

"Hmm... let's see here," Ryouma mouths to himself, taking Hilda along as he browses one of several long racks of weapons.

The variation is quite impressive, ranging from swords, axes and spears to bows, daggers, whips, maces and more. What strikes Hilda as odd is that unlike the weapons she'd seen the Litnir guards carrying, these blades have a reddish brown color to them – almost like they are rusted.

"Ah! This will work nicely: your standard katana," Ryouma exclaims, showing Hilda a blade about seventy centimeters long, resting inside a simple black scabbard of lacquered wood.

He seems excited but Hilda answers with a very exasperated look. "A Japanese sword... Really? Don't you have anything from this side of the world?"

"Beggars can't be choosers. If I'm going to be teaching you not only to be a Scion but to actually fight with a weapon, it’ll have to be with one that I, myself, am familiar with," Ryouma retorts, stroking his goatee. "A Swedish girl with a Japanese weapon... As anachronistic as this combination sounds, it may actually work. We’ll make a warrior out of you yet, Hilda!"

As Ryouma starts leading Hilda to the training grounds beyond the storage, she takes a deep breath. Making her, of all people, a Scion... this whole thing feels like a tasteless joke and she's the punchline.

These Altr must be having a laugh right about now...Hilda fumes.


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Mon Sep 05, 2016 10:28 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



So onto chapter three, and the story's hitting more of its stride now. As a side note, another argument for removing ch 1 is tone. These two chapters have a very different "feel" to them. The training and dormitories suggests a more classic YA fantasy that the first chapter does not, and the setting also has a different atmosphere. There's no taste of the harsh, isolated little village we were introduced to in ch1. While that was all nicely described and important to her backstory, if you think about it in terms of ch1 making promises about the rest of the book--the events in ch2 are more in line with what follows, tone-wise. Also Hilda's attitude in ch1 paints her to be a different type of personality that I'm seeing from 2 and 3.

I love the Prana, and especially the language elements--or how he describes it, more specifically. I love the concept of how it flows and they affect that ebb and flow. I also love that Ryouma is the only other one in her brigade.

Since you say Hilda's meant to be intentionally annoyed about all this, I won't complain about her motivation. But I will say... I don't like her very much. *I* as a newcomer to this realm am very curious to learn all this stuff that she has no interest in hearing, and I also feel she's disrespecting him for no good reason. Fine if that's on purpose, but it's not endearing me to her. I wouldn't want to talk to her or be her friend, and if you're going to keep the petulance, I think she needs some additional sympathetic qualities to balance things out. I trust she'll learn her lesson and be all heroic eventually, but I *do* need some reasons to want to stick around with her for that journey. (Potentially, explaining more of her motivation like we've been talking about could help you there, if it makes her emotions more understandable)




Costa says...


The petulance will not last long, no. She's just in a really bad mood right now and lashing out at her surroundings - comparatively, chapter 1 was her in her usual habitat. Is it not justified for her to be acting differently due to the situation?

And thinking about that, something popped up at me: if I do simplify the start of the story to get to the hook right in chapter one, won't it seem like Hilda's current crusty attitude is her default one?



Megrim says...


Kinda feels like that now, TBH. After all, we show our character through how we react and respond to things. Seeing her in her safe normal environment doesn't do much for me.



Costa says...


Sure, I agree with you on that. But we, as humans, are prone to going through emotional roller-coasters when taken into unfamiliar territory, no?
Were someone to come home and find soldiers saying "hey, you're conscripted", wouldn't it be natural for someone to be angry at being pulled out of their life? And that's not even accounting for Hilda's other issues with being recruited.



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Tue Mar 01, 2016 8:54 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Hey again! :P Apologies for taking a little while to get to this, it was my birthday last weekend and I was pretty busy and blah blah blah. Alas, I am here now!

There isn't a great deal happening in this chapter, which is totally fine as it's more of a transitional chapter, and so I'm not sure how much I will have to say. I just want to warn you in advance in case this comes cross as a little useless! Anywho, you've got an extremely well-written piece of writing here, and I'm very intrigued to find out where all this will lead. You've got some nice character development in the form of Ryouma here too, which is nice, though I would like to know a little more about Hilda's background some time soon (as she is the main character!). She does seem younger now though, which I believe is something I noted in my last review, so kudos to you for that. The dialogue seems more fresh and young, and it's easier to distinguish when Hilda is speaking and when Ryouma is speaking (without being told). So yeah, definitely a good chapter overall :)

I want to start with a little nit-pick, and it's hardly a big deal at all. Maybe this is me being too picky, but it seems strange to me that everyone in this dystopian world would speak the same languages as they did eons ago (aka, now). You mention English, Japanese Swedish e.t.c. and it just seems a little odd to me that all of these languages would be the norm. Again, super picky here, but I've always imagined people in the future (or at least in dystopian stories) speaking all these crazy-ass alien languages. You wouldn't write in some made up language, of course, but perhaps it's something worth considering creating? Think of this as a suggestion, as opposed to a critique.

Something else I want to be somewhat brief about are your tenses because as you're aware, you have some slip ups. I briefly skimmed over your previous reviews to see if it had been mentioned, and if you'd explained it, so I now know that you've changed the tense of the novel from past to present tense. As I said, you do still have some slip ups. I'm not going to dissect this and point every single one out, but I'd suggest you read over this with a fine toothed comb. It occurred a few times in the opening here, and reared its ugly head every now and then afterwards. I've switched novel tenses half way through before, so I feel you. What I found useful was (assuming you use MS Word) to search all of the past-tense verbs I could think of in the find section, and use the replace function to, well, replace them with their present tense versions.

Finally, onto some actual critiques! Somewhat picky again (oops, sorry), but I found it a little strange that Ryouma solely searched for Hilda, brought her here, explained it all, gave her a tour of the place e.t.c. If he's as high up as he appears to be, wouldn't there be people to do his job? I realise that he's the only other member of the Orlen Brigade, and so perhaps it's his duty to sort her out, but to do literally everything seems a bit much for someone so high up. I suppose I'm mainly talking about the tour here, as the other stuff I can justify with him being the only other member of their brigade, but the tour just seems so non-senior, y'know? Plus I kind of like the idea of Ryouma scouting out someone to show Hilda around, as it would introduce more characters and make things more interesting. This is a rather fussy critique, so please do take it with a pinch of salt.

The final critique I have is probably what bothered me the most throughout this. As the chapter progressed, things began to feel more and more like an info-dump. In case you're not sure what I mean by that, and info-dump is basically where the writer overloads the reader with information within a chapter, to the point where it feels like the chapter's only purpose is to provide this information. Info-dumping can be very problematic--it can bore the reader, it can be confusing, and it can be hard for the reader to memorise everything when it's given to them all in one go. In this kind of novel, avoiding info-dumps can be extremely difficult because this is a made up world with a load of made up functions, and so it does need to be explained. The key is balance, though. Don't reveal every single thing at once, only as these things need to be revealed. I understand that Hilda herself would have many questions to ask, and so that would result in information, but I don't think there would be harm in toning things down.


All of my whining aside, I really do believe you're onto something good here. Apologies if I sounded harsh at all, that's the last thing I want you to think, and please don't be afraid to disagree with anything I've said. Your characters are interesting, I'm still intrigued to find out what will happen to Hilda in her new life, and I love the originality of everything. Overall, a top job :D

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




Costa says...


Thanks for your comment, Skins.

The problem with all the info is that the basics pretty much need to be established right now or I wouldn't be able to progress though the training bits in a decent pace.
I understand that the whole system is complicated (I DID have years to overthink every single aspect) but these first few chapters have to be full-on Scion 101.
Hilda can't well be sent into action before clearing the basics - no military organization would do that, after all - and delaying it would risk making things drag in the long run, I think. The best I could do was alleviate the info dump with character interaction.

The bigger chunk of the basics will be covered around now and, then, things will start to trickle down.

As for Ryouma doing everything... I confess that I did that for two reasons: first, this seemed like something he'd do, considering he'll be training her; and, second, I wanted to start building on their interaction right away to, as I said, add something to the info dump.

There are plenty of other characters coming but none of them would fit the "tour guide" role properly and I didn't want to think of a throwaway character just for that.

Finally, concerning the languages, I did want to have that variation to showcase how multinational the corps is. Plus, consider that the world has had 800 years to rebuild since the Valnr were locked behind the Paling, so I wouldn't call this society "dystopian".
And I'm in no way confident enough to think of an entire new language by myself!



Sins says...


I totally understand your toils with the info thing. It's just about striking that balance between explaining everything that's necessary, but doing so as little as possible. That in itself sounds like a contradiction, and it's super difficult! It's personal preference too, as some readers don't mind an info-dump :)

That makes perfect sense! Obviously we don't know Ryouma that amazingly yet, whereas you do, so if you feel it's right for him then you stick with it. So long as it makes sense that he did it as we get to know him better, it's totally cool to do. And that's totally fair enough with the making up a new language thing :P



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Sat Feb 13, 2016 2:14 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello Costa, steampowered here with another review as agreed!

Overall, this was engaging and well-written, apart from the tense changes. I’m starting to wonder if you might have originally written this story in the past tense and are now trying to convert it to present tense? In case I wasn’t clear enough before about what I meant by the tenses changing, I’ll point out one of the changes:

Now that she paid attention to it, she realized that, after the ritual ended, Ryouma started speaking English as though he'd done it throughout his entire life. For a moment, Hilda entertained the idea that he'd been toying with her but he didn't seem like one for practical jokes.

"That's usually the first thing they ask..." he chuckles. "Come with me. I'll explain along the way."


So as you can see, there’s a lot of tense switching from past tense to present tense and back again but from what I’ve noticed it’s largely confined to chunks of text and you don’t seem to have an issue with changing tense within a sentence, which is good. The main problem is that paragraphs themselves stand out as being different, so I’d really recommend reading this through (preferably out loud) and hopefully you’ll be able to tell where the tenses change.

Ryouma gesticulates for her


So this is me being ultra-pernickety, but I feel the word “gesticulates” reads a bit awkwardly. I’d suggest “gestures” instead.

The other thing I picked up on is how you hardly ever use the word “said” – you have so much dialogue, but I just did a webpage search and you only use “said” once! It’s great to have other speech tags so long as they read smoothly and don’t jar with the reader, but I’d always recommend that at least fifty percent of all your speech tags (preferably more) are “said”. Most of the time you don’t actually need to say how the dialogue is said and “said” generally just slips under the radar – it’s also easy to add things to “said” such as adverbs or as in “he said with a smile”. You can also cut out speech tags altogether.

Apart from that, I think some of the advice I gave on the previous chapter (such as the bit about the Japanese script) can be applied to this chapter, so feel free to refer back if my review is lacking in any way.

I always feel like I’m super-critical when reviewing, so hopefully I’m not discouraging you. However, I’d also like to say that this is a really interesting and well-delivered concept and I’m looking forward to reading more! (If you don’t hate me by this point, feel free to request more reviews in my thread – I’m pretty bad at responding to review requests unless they’re in my thread, where I have a public record of them)

Keep writing!

-steampowered-




Costa says...


Yeah, I did originally write this in the past tense but switched to present halfway. I thought I had switched everything but obviously not... thanks for picking that up.

I do try to avoid repeating "he said/she said" ad nauseum, using other words for variation's sake. That said, there are a handful of "says" in there with the present tense narration.

And I will be asking for other reviews, yes!



steampowered says...


Haha, I feel a bit silly now. I only searched the past tense of the verb. :P

I'm glad this review helped!



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Sat Feb 13, 2016 9:17 am
Yuriiko wrote a review...



Hello there Costa!

Oh my. First off, I apologize for the delay. I will do my very best to be of help, so I hope the wait will be worth it.

So, this is a good chapter! It was written very well and we get to know more of the two main characters here. Their personality and relationship towards each other becomes more comfortable and developed.

"Aah...It is always nice to come home with your comrades after saving some village and rejoicing over a nice glass of beer and a plate of roasted pork... just make sure you keep things clean, hm?" Hilda sees Ryouma's nostalgic gaze shift into something of a thousand-yard stare. "...Make a mess and Greta, the head chef, will give you hell for it..."


This is one of my favorite scenes. I think the nostalgic effect incorporated with humor was an interesting way to make Hilda's thoughts more realistic and a way to refresh the readers of the alteration of her former life.

So, what I think this chapter needs to work on is the balance between narrative and dialogue. It seemed as if I was just watching two actors conversing on stage and nothing more. I think you were focusing too much on their dialog to reveal more plot and character information. Nothing wrong with that of course, dialog plays an important role for story development. As what I've mentioned on my previous comment on the prologue, this is a great tool to spread out the past information that's relevant on the current situation. Perhaps you'll think that what I'm saying here contradicts to my last review. I hope you don't misunderstand- what I'm trying to say is, that some dialogues should be supported enough by narration.

If you want your readers to engage emotionally throughout the chapter, I suggest that you include sufficient description such as the atmosphere and physical expression of the characters. I'm not saying that the characters were talking too much and it was just all dialogs. I just think there should be snippets of relevant descriptions, not limiting things around them but adding things--like the people in the area or the symbols on their forehead. Like, do each rank have different symbols? Things like that. But then, you don't also want to overdo much narrative. I'm not sure if I'm making sense right now, but the keyword to whatever I was blabbering about is balance. ^^

Let's talk about Hilda. Aren't teenagers more observant towards their surrounding? I always tell this to some writers- and that is to think like your characters. Imagine your younger self or probably put your shoes in your character's situation. You want to reveal Hilda's curiosity and reaction through observing the unfamiliar state she is in. For example, in the dining hall, how were the people? Was the place loud? Or how about the population, were there more boys and less girls? And also, what clothes were Ryouma and Hilda wearing? Was it still the same in the first chapter? Things like these create a more interesting visual palette to your readers. Also, I wished Ryouma had given her some freedom to enable her to socialize with other people. Let her explore the new environment. Well maybe on chapter 3, we'll see more of that I hope.

"Yes and no. Haven't you noticed how the movements of my mouth aren't coinciding with the words you hear? I'm speaking in my own language, Japanese, but because I want to be understood by you, the Prana that flows through me interprets what I mean to say and passes it to you in a way you'll understand, i.e., English, Swedish or Danish." Ryouma gets closer to Hilda as he says this and, indeed, his mouth is making completely different movements.


Okay I was a bit surprised how Hilda just realized Ryouma's lip movement. From the beginning, shouldn't she already noticed it? Aside from their eyes, don't we tend to look at people's lips while talking to them? Hmm, I hope I'm not making this comment weird or anything like that. Okay onwards!

For me, this chapter felt like just a series of facts and occurrences. I guess what this piece lacks is building a bit of tension or say, a mini-conflict? I'm not suggesting to drop a bomb out of the blue. Perhaps give it more a boost and not simply relaying information here and there?

Lastly, I noticed your punctuation in your dialogues. I think I have already mentioned it on the first chapter, so perhaps you can try to review and check it again. I don't want to annoy you by being repetitive. ^^

Kicking aside my nitpicky self, this was pretty good. I liked the originality of this piece and as usual, great job on the grammar and execution.

So, everything is based entirely on my opinions. I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions... or pizza (kidding, I am really hungry tho).

Keep writing!




Costa says...


Many thanks for your review.

I'll be going into more detail about Hilda and the Scion's daily life in the upcoming chapters - figured this one should be kept on a more "Scion 101" focus before expanding.

As for the dining hall, however, I mentioned that it was empty at the time they passed. We'll get a better look there later.

As for the clothes... Ryouma was still wearing that green cloak but you're right in that I didn't touch on what Hilda was wearing. I do make note of that on the next chapter, mind.

As for descriptions in general, I considered adding more but, one, thought it would be over-saturating the reader with information and, two, most of this is happening walking around the main corridor of the Keep, so it's mostly the same. However, we'll also get some more info on other parts of the keep itself later.



Yuriiko says...


I see and yeah I totally agree it's important not to overdo descriptions. ^^ I apologize for being too nitpicky and I know there are still a lot of things to display on the succeeding chapters. Thanks for the good read and best of luck to your piece! :)




I drink tea and forget the world's noises.
— Chinese saying