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Young Writers Society


12+

Going through Time-Chapter Four: I Meet the Most Vicious Chihuahua on Earth

by erilea


       I was trying to get my friends up and running. They were pretty much paralyzed, and it wasn't easy moving them. Sadie was still frozen in fear from the last episode, Will was staring at the ground, not looking up, and we were getting absolutely nowhere in our quest. Not to mention we were going to die in a few days. "Get up!" I tried to tug them up, but they were too heavy. I mean, one person holding up two friends-enough is enough! I sighed and pondered by myself on how to get out of here. Finally I decided on a taxi and used a little trick my father had taught me. "Stêthi 'Ô hárma diabolês," I chanted, throwing one of my extra drachmas on the road next to us. It sunk into the asphalt, and I waited for the taxi. I barely noticed my friends confused stares, but I grinned, knowing this would get them on their feet.

"What's that mean?" Sadie asked, her blue eyes now stormy.

"Stop, Chariot of Damnation," Will translated. "That does not sound good."

"Trust me, honey," I said in a sickly sweet mother's tone, "It is good for you."

We all cracked up.

        So I was waiting for the cab to show up, they were nearly rolling on the ground laughing, and we were still getting nowhere. Finally a cab covered in gray smoke drove up, and the door to it swung open. I gulped. There were three gray women in the front seats, the one driving had one eye and tooth. Maybe Will was right. "Oh, dad," I muttered, climbing in the backseat. It was dirty and dusty, and gray chains served as seat-belts. All three of us gulped and sat back, hoping this was an okay ride. The three women up in the front cackled, the one driving pressed the gas pedal, and we were off. 

      

"This was so not a good idea," I grumbled as the cab swerved and curved around other cars. Once we were passing by a police officer, and he arrested us immediately. Thankfully we were too fast, though. As we were training for the Taxi Cab Marathon, I asked the ladies in the front what their names were.

"Our names." they hissed, obviously not liking the idea. I nodded, hoping the one with the eye could see me. "The Gray Sisters...fastest transportation mode in Greece." They mumbled, still accelerating the car faster and faster. Our trio was holding on to anything they could find for dear life, and me, stuck in the middle, with nothing to hold on, was forced to be thrown around five million times.

"Uh, Jaz?" Will asked, clearly seeing my green face. "When did you go to a beauty salon and get a face mask?" I growled at him.

"Shut up," I exclaimed in between being tossed around like a rag doll. "I just need a paper bag."

        "We are here," said the Gray Sisters together, and the door opened. We quickly let ourselves go from the musty seats and hurried out the door. Breathing deep gulps of fresh air, I couldn't hold it in anymore and vomited. After about five minutes, Will threw up too.

"I'm never taking your ideas again," he mumbled, still glaring after the taxi cab.

"My pleasure," I snarled back, still thinking what to do next. Then suddenly a figure marched up into view.

"Ah, three demigods. I'm going to be full today, I can tell," it cackled. It came into view from the dark shadows and I saw a....woman?

"Um...who are you?" Sadie asked desperately. The woman laughed and her chihuahua snarled at me. 

"Me? Well, it should be so obvious." She grinned gleefully.

"Oh, right, no other lady has a chihuahua. I am so silly to not recognize you." I sarcastically replied. I looked all around my surroundings, hoping to see something that would help me. I saw a cliff, some trees, and a road. Nothing much.

        The lady growled at me. "Young demigod, if I were you, I would hold my tongue. I, my dear, am the mother of all monsters, wife of Typhon,"---here I gulped. Typhon, from my friend Percy's tales, wasn't nice---"and the one and only...Echidna."

        Before I could mention that was the name of some animal in Australia, the incredibly fat Echidna whispered something to her pet and it no longer looked like a chihuahua anymore. Instead, it grew into a monster with three heads, a goat, a lion, and dragon. It had lion's paws with wickedly sharp claws and a goat's hind legs. It also had dragon wings. Something in my mind told me I had studied about this monster at Camp Half-Blood. What was it? Ah, the Chimera-a monster which could breath fire. Great. Me, Sadie, and Will all froze, looking in terror. Will finally decided this wasn't show-and-tell and brandished his sword. Stabbing at the Chimera, he should have cut it in half in one swipe, but for such a big creature, it was agile. It quickly dodged Will's attack and pounced behind him. Will barely had enough time to swipe his sword and whip around. The Chimera barely got a nick on his shoulder and it didn't seem to hurt him, it just made him angry.

"Surrender, you worthless godlings!" Echidna howled, and she cackled in delight.

"Never!" Sadie and I shouted in unison and leaped to Will's side to begin fighting as well. The Chimera spewed fire at us, and we dodged three separate ways, the Chimera's three heads following each of us. I barked at Sadie, "Slow time!" praying she understood. Fortunately, she did, and the Chimera looked like it was moving in amber. I giggled and Sadie laughed too, but that broke her concentration. I was right under the big monster when it leaped, and its eyes focused on me, claws glinting in the sunlight. I barely had time to dodge, and only at the last second. It landed on the ground and leaped up, his three heads turning my way like a hawk on a helpless mouse. "Sadie! Will! Over here!" I called, and spat at the Chimera. It growled and pounced again, and this time I slashed it to dust before it could zero on me. Echidna, no longer laughing, glared at me, and lumbered toward my direction. Sadie and Will appeared beside me, and I gave them instructions. 

"You guys, hold hands---"

"No way!" Sadie yelled, blushing.

"---and run to the edge. Jump off the cliff and slow time while you're at it. I'll distract Echidna."

"We can't leave y---" Will began, before he saw the mother of all monsters trudging toward us. 

"Go!" I growled. This time, they had no hesitation. They grabbed hands and jumped off the cliff. I prayed they would live. Turning back to Echidna, I braced myself for a long fight.

"Well, well," she purred, taking her time. "It looks like you're alone. How brave of you." she mocked. 

"Yeah, well, looks like you're alone too, you worthless mother, you just let your little puppy\goat\lion\dragon get killed. I suppose you thought that was fun, and you want to try that yourself." I snickered.

        She narrowed her eyes, her red pupils slanted and had a glimpse of yellow in them. "I'll make this quick, girl," she snarled. "And you'll regret it." With that, she lunged at me. I easily sidestepped and watched her stumble away from me. She gathered herself though, and turned around, looking at me with pure hatred. This time she took eight long steps, and laughed when I took eight steps backwards. "Scared, huh? You yellow-bellied coward. When I kill you, I will make it slow and painful."

"Wait a minute," I said dumbly. "You just said you would make it slow and painful. Earlier you said you would make it quick. Which is it?" 

"Doesn't matter!" she growled, then leaped. I ran for the cliff. The last thing I remember was plunging to my death.


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396 Reviews


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Sun Dec 28, 2014 10:21 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



Hey, Wise~ Happy Review Day! I am back--after a long time, jeesh--to review!

I didn't really like the way you began this, because even though it's linking the end of the previous chapter and the new chapter together ... it's a little too blatant for my taste. It also verges a little too much on the 'telling' side, in that I can't really see Jazz as she tries to encourage her friends or anything. It's a bit too fast, know what I mean? And while I can see that you have an established storyline, you need to go a bit slower and actually explore the way your characters develop. I always find it useful to remind myself that to every cause, there is an effect. Which means that your characters' histories/backstories affect how they interact with each other. Right now, I'm getting the feeling that Jazz is irked with Will, mainly because he chickened out in the last chapter, but I also have a feeling it goes deeper than that. It's just something I think I'd like to explore as a reader, and that I think, as a writer, you should explore as well.

Besides that, I'm still wondering what brought the three demigods together, in the same class, in the first place. Just something you might want to mull over. ;)

Not to mention we die in a few days.


~ Trip-up on tense here. This should read as: 'Not to mention that we would die in a few days/that we were going to die in a few days'.

"Our names." They hissed


~ Since 'they hissed' is a dialogue tag, the 't' in 'they' does not need to be capitalised. Also, the period should be a comma.

The last thing I remember was plunging to my death.


~ 'remember' should be 'remembered'. Tenses, dear!

All right, one thing that bothered me about this was how the demigods just fall from one intense situation to the other, and it isn't entirely believable how monsters pop up at them all of a sudden. I mean, HOW EXHAUSTING.

Sorry for the caps.

But I feel like there isn't enough passive action in the story at this point, and that leaves the readers a little bewildered because too much is going on. The scene over here you could have written in two chapters, maybe, or gone a little slower with. Less action, more interaction, I say. Work on it a little, yes?

I hope this helped. PM me if you need anything.

Keep writing!

~Pomp




erilea says...


Thank you so much for your review!



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:39 am
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this work as I promised, Wisegirl. I certainly hope this helps you!

"Stêthi 'Ô hárma diabolês," I chanted,
I assume this is some sort of magical spell used to do something such as shock a person? Am I right?

"Trust me, honey," I said in a sickly sweet mother's tone, "It is good for you."
This seems like it is a bit out of character for her to say. Doesn't she not like Will?

So I was waiting for the cab to show up, they were nearly rolling on the ground laughing, and we were still getting nowhere.
As I said it isn't a good thing to start a paragraph with a conjunction. This also sounds too telly for my taste. Show what is happening not tell it. You also make a contradiction. I thought your MC was laughing too? However in this paragraph she is waiting for the taxi. Finally I would ask you why she doesn't just speed forward in time so that she can get the taxi there right away?

"This was so not a good idea," I grumbled as the cab swerved and curved around other cars.
I would emphasize the word "so" with italics. I would also make this a tad les wordy.

"The Gray Sisters...fastest transportation mode in Greece." They mumbled, still accelerating the car faster and faster.
Uh, first off they are in LA! Secondly, you need to replace the period with a comma. ;)

We quickly let ourselves go from the musty seats and hurried out the door.
I would change this to, We quickly clambered out of the taxi into the fresh air.

[/quote]They could breath fire.[/quote] You need to identify a clear antecedent here. I think you mean dragons though I'm not sure.

I was right under the big monster when it leaped,
If Sadie slowed time wouldn't your MC be bound by that just as much as the monster?

you just let your little puppy\goat\lion\dragon get killed.
You have the slashes backwards; and I am confused as to how the monster got killed.

The only major thing I have to nitpick is that your MC and her friends seem to get out of situations really easily. Pat the end of the chapter is also kind of lame because this is in the past tense so the reader knows that your MC will survive or else how could she write this. I think that you should let a few more bad things that are actually bad for mor than half a chapter happen.

Overall this is pretty interesting, though you never really explained where they were going and why, not to mention what happened to the Gray Sisters. I think that you need to slow down the pace a little bit, develop your characters more, and come up with a little more plot/a good villain. Happy writing and happy review day!!! :D

This review was brought to you by team rocket!




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Tue Jul 22, 2014 12:55 am
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GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hi wisegirl22. My name is Solvy and I am here to review your piece.

Have you ever heard that quote that says something like, "Live every day as if it's the last one of your life"? I'm guessing you have because it is a very common one. The reason I'm telling you this is because there's another one that is very similar; when it comes to writing the saying goes like, "Write every chapter as if it's the first one in your book". Yeah... I totally just made that up (haha), but my point is that when you write a book, it is important to have, not one, but many catchy beginnings. When I was younger, I remember a YWSer gave me one of the best writing-advice I could have gotten: he told me that it is better if you start your stories/chapters with action (rather than with a monologue or descriptions) because that will, most likely, hook the reader.

If I were to follow this advice, in your position, I would start this chapter with the following line:

wisegirl22 wrote: "Oh, dad," I muttered, climbing in the backseat. It was dirty and dusty, and gray chains served as seat-belts.

And then I would tell how I got there (as the main character, of course). In other words, I'd use the actual beginning of this chapter as an explenation of the quoted line. Why that line? Because it would leave the reader wondering "How did this character got there?" And that will keep them reading and interested in what you have to share. :)

That's my advice of the day. I would also like to say that I admire every young writer who is determined to write more than one chapter of their idea. Mostly because it reflects how they know what they want. That is fantastic, so keep it up! And thanks for sharing. :]

Your friendly neighbor,

Solvy





A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau