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Quick nit-picks:
I screamed as Sadie fell to the floor, watching as she turned white and cold. I could distantly hear Ethan laughing his stupid butt off. "Shut up!" I screamed. I willed the idiot Ares people and Ethan to become so slow, it was as if they were walking in snow up to their necks.
Separate the dialogue and begin a new paragraph from there onwards. It'll look something like this:
I screamed as Sadie fell to the floor, watching as she turned white and cold. I could distantly hear Ethan laughing his stupid butt off.
"Shut up!" I screamed. I willed the idiot Ares people and Ethan to become so slow, it was as if they were walking in snow up to their necks. ...
"Sadie!" I screamed, drowned in grief.
I feel like the 'drowned in grief' part was a little over-the-top. It also struck me as unnecessary since you've been showing us pretty clearly how upset Jaz is over her, uhm, 'dying.' It's just stretching it out, so I suggest you cut out the extra bit.
1] In the first para, you use "I" several times to begin a sentence. That can get a bit monotonous if done a lot, so I'd suggest creating some variation. Maybe drag in some setting, too? Everything happened a little too fast, and it all seemed so easy... I was kinda surprised that Sadie was able to defeat the demi-gods so easily. Some obstacles, maybe? I'd have liked to see them fight back, and it would also have been more enticing if you added some suspense-y bits in the fight scene. It'd have your readers going all, 'Ooh, what's going to happen next?'
I wondered where Will was during the fight. Didn't he help, too? It's like he disappeared for a second there ...
2] The row with Will was pretty sudden and unexpected. I think it was really out of the gloom and didn't have much of a reason behind it either. Maybe you could build up a little on the cause to the effect?
3] Where did Jaz get the leaves to cover Sadie's wound from? I think there's a lot of 'telling' in that part, and less of 'showing.' What does Sadie look like? Add some sensory description, maybe? Like, sight/sound/touch, etc. I want to see more of what Jaz's doing. I'd always advise you to get rid of the passive voice. For example:
Ihadtried to clean up the wound as much as I could
~ Remove the "had". Ta-da! Your voice is now active. This is because you tell us the events as they happened, not how they had happened. Does that make sense?
"Go," I snarled. "Before you, you filthy scumbag rat, lose your other eye as well." (Did I mention he had an eye patch?)
I love this bit. <3
Wow, this is well-written, Wise! As before, I'll comment on the pacing--some places could use some slowing down--but otherwise it all looks good. I also like the emotion in this; you've shown it to us pretty well!
So keep writing! Keep it up!
Cheers,
~Pomp
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
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