z

Young Writers Society


12+

Going through Time-Chapter Three: I Go Mental

by erilea


       I screamed as Sadie fell to the floor, watching as she turned white and cold. I could distantly hear Ethan laughing his stupid butt off.

"Shut up!" I screamed. I willed the idiot Ares people and Ethan to become so slow, it was as if they were walking in snow up to their necks. I moved at regular speed, twirling my sword, but didn't lose concentration either. I swung my weapon, nicking Ethan on the arm. Slashing wherever I pleased, I leaped from one boy to another. Watching in satisfaction as I slashed the annoying boy on the chest and as he crumpled to the ground, I turned my attention to the inexplicably maddening muscle men. They had killed my only friend, laughed like they were drunk, and barely noticed their master was taken down! They tried to raise their sword, but I could see that it wouldn't strike me at all, since they were moving in slow-mo.

        I yelled and brought my sword down, easily impaling one in the gut and one in the stomach. They both fell on each other, like kitties sleeping. Will had lifted his weapon as well, but he stood frozen at my outburst. I almost laughed at Ethan's "bodyguards", but somebody very close to me had just died!

"Sadie!" I screamed. I felt like I should have helped her, should have fought with her instead of thinking she could manage on her own. I didn't know I was crying until Will put his hand on my shaking shoulder and handed me a tissue. Where he got that from, I didn't know. Going mad from sadness, I shouted, "Get away from me! I don't want to look at you!" He hadn't played a part in this whole thing! His hurt look turned to hard and unforgiving, and stormed off. I broke down crying again, this time from sorrow for my friend and how I had probably lost the only person who I had with me.

        I couldn't think. I felt numb. The friend who had stayed with me for six entire years, since we were in fourth grade, the only one who hadn't called me a dork, had died. Murdered. Killed. I could still hear her terrified screams, cringing at the thought that I had just stood there. I had tried to clean up the wound as much as I could, using some things from a collection of trees nearby, and trying to make her look presentable to burn a shroud and bury. I was crying again until I realized Will had come back. I looked up, guilt showing up in my gold eyes.

"I..." I couldn't even speak. Hiding my face in my hands, I didn't hear Will talking.

"--maybe go back in time a little to have her alive and kick those guys butts again." He suggested, looking at me hopefully. I considered for a moment, feeling a little too sad to fight, but the thought of Sadie being alive than my selfish excuses won over. I nodded a little and stood up, willing myself to go back in time, to see Sadie with her eyes open and standing up. Filled with prodigious relief, I almost cried again, for the third time, seeing Sadie alive, but I kept myself up and blinked back my tears. Don't cry, for goodness sake, I thought. You're in front of enemies, you little crybaby. That got me on my feet. I waited for Ethan to yell, "Get her, you brats!" Before I zipped to my best friend's side, attacking with new found rage. I slashed and dodged, cutting one on the cheek, and that brought my friend to her senses. She fought alongside me, and for a moment we stood in triumph, looking down at the bruised and bloody figures, then looked up and stared at Nakamura. He glared at me, but I could see fear behind it. 

"Go," I snarled. "Before you, you filthy scumbag rat, lose your other eye as well." (Did I mention he had an eye patch?)

        He backed away, still growling, but as he turned his expression turned into one of pure terror and he whipped around, racing away. I  grinned in satisfaction and turned to Sadie. She had a troubled look on her face, though, and my grin turned into a frown of concern. "What's wrong?" I asked, hoping she didn't remember...

"I had this strange nightmare. I was impaled by a spear and died, somebody was sobbing over me but I didn't know who it was. Then I woke up and fought with you..." I panicked. She knew! I had no choice but to tell her.

"Sadie," I said in my gentlest tone. "That dream? It wasn't fake. It was real. You were impaled. You died. I killed Nakamura and those two idiots. I was crying for three times to learn you were dead. I tried to heal the wound, do whatever I could, but that ended up being preparation for a shroud. Then, I said some hurtful things to Will and he left for the night, and I stayed up all night hoping and praying to Kronos that you were going to be alive, but no hope. Will then came back and suggested I could go back in time..." 

        She was silent for a moment, her eyes wide with terror and surprise that this had happened to her. She obviously didn't know what to say. "I...Thank you..." She murmured, looking down. I nodded and gestured for them to gather themselves together. "C'mon, y'all," I said. "We've got a quest to complete."


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Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:17 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



Back for more~

Quick nit-picks:

I screamed as Sadie fell to the floor, watching as she turned white and cold. I could distantly hear Ethan laughing his stupid butt off. "Shut up!" I screamed. I willed the idiot Ares people and Ethan to become so slow, it was as if they were walking in snow up to their necks.


Separate the dialogue and begin a new paragraph from there onwards. It'll look something like this:

I screamed as Sadie fell to the floor, watching as she turned white and cold. I could distantly hear Ethan laughing his stupid butt off.

"Shut up!" I screamed. I willed the idiot Ares people and Ethan to become so slow, it was as if they were walking in snow up to their necks. ...


"Sadie!" I screamed, drowned in grief.


I feel like the 'drowned in grief' part was a little over-the-top. It also struck me as unnecessary since you've been showing us pretty clearly how upset Jaz is over her, uhm, 'dying.' It's just stretching it out, so I suggest you cut out the extra bit.

1] In the first para, you use "I" several times to begin a sentence. That can get a bit monotonous if done a lot, so I'd suggest creating some variation. Maybe drag in some setting, too? Everything happened a little too fast, and it all seemed so easy... I was kinda surprised that Sadie was able to defeat the demi-gods so easily. Some obstacles, maybe? I'd have liked to see them fight back, and it would also have been more enticing if you added some suspense-y bits in the fight scene. It'd have your readers going all, 'Ooh, what's going to happen next?'

I wondered where Will was during the fight. Didn't he help, too? It's like he disappeared for a second there ...

2] The row with Will was pretty sudden and unexpected. I think it was really out of the gloom and didn't have much of a reason behind it either. Maybe you could build up a little on the cause to the effect?

3] Where did Jaz get the leaves to cover Sadie's wound from? I think there's a lot of 'telling' in that part, and less of 'showing.' What does Sadie look like? Add some sensory description, maybe? Like, sight/sound/touch, etc. I want to see more of what Jaz's doing. I'd always advise you to get rid of the passive voice. For example:

I had tried to clean up the wound as much as I could


~ Remove the "had". Ta-da! Your voice is now active. This is because you tell us the events as they happened, not how they had happened. Does that make sense?

"Go," I snarled. "Before you, you filthy scumbag rat, lose your other eye as well." (Did I mention he had an eye patch?)


I love this bit. <3

Wow, this is well-written, Wise! As before, I'll comment on the pacing--some places could use some slowing down--but otherwise it all looks good. I also like the emotion in this; you've shown it to us pretty well!

So keep writing! Keep it up!

Cheers,

~Pomp




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Sat Jul 26, 2014 1:38 am
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this work as I promised wisegirl. I certainly hope this helps you!!!

I willed the idiot Ares people and Ethan to become so slow, it was as if they were walking in snow up to their necks.
I assume that the MC has magical powers. What is the MC's name by the way?

They had killed my only friend,
I thought that they had impaled her not killed her. I am totally confused by this.

"Get away from me! I don't want to look at you!"
I can tell that you MC gets upset very easily; but you need to start a new paragraph for dialogue.

The friend who had stayed with me for six entire years, since we were in preschool, the only one who hadn't called me a dork, had died.
Uh, your MC is only ten years old or so? That is a bit young, don't you think?

(Did I mention he had an eye patch?)
No actually, you did not. At least if you do I don't really remember it.

"C'mon, y'all," I said.
I don't really think I would be using slang/not 100% valid grammar after I went through such a traumatic situation. If anything I would be speechless.

Overall this was good, probably a little better than the last chapter. I liked all the action. For some reason I don't really like books with time travel though this was still good. I like your style of writing. I like all the action. The only thing I though I should point out that I didn't mention was to break up your first paragraph. I hope this helps! Happy writing!!! :D




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Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:53 pm
erilea says...



Is this better? I tried to edit what you said...hope you like it!




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Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:25 am
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Sampson wrote a review...



Let's just dive right in to this whole thing:
"I could distantly hear Ethan laughing his stupid butt off, and screamed, "SHUT UP!!!!'" This doesn't sound quite right, and is a bit of a run on. You could make it sound a bit better maybe, by saying "I could hear Ethan laughing in the distance. "Shut up!" I screamed." No offence but if you really want to write professionally, the whole capitals and triple exclamation thing just sounds really juvenile. Next time you want to to ALL CAPS LIKE THIS, consider using italics.


"inexplicably MADDENING muscle men. They had killed my BFF, laughed like they had turned drunk," again, italics is a good alternative to all caps. "BFF" doesn't really go with the whole theme of the story. And "like they had turned drunk" would really just sound better as "Like they were drunk"

"****Time skip****" This isn't necessarily wrong, and I suppose if this were a children's book being published, you could have that in there, but if you want to show that it's a different scene without breaking into a new chapter you can just press enter twice or put an * in between paragraphs.

"She turned on me with unexpected fury. "You, you scumbag excuse for a demigod! You let me die, watched me get murdered...you stupid, stupid, idiot!" She cried, ignoring the fact I had stayed up all night and cried. She got up and stormed away, leaving me with a torn heart." This whole paragraph just made me really dislike Sadie. I would have mentioned the fact that she could have just let her die. This seems totally out of character. If its important in the following chapters that Sadie be mad at her, there are other ways to get there and suggest you find another.

I like the story though. You have good ideas, there are just some things that need a major tweaking. Other than that, good luck. If you have any other questions I'd be happy to answer them. I'm not a perfect author myself and the first time I got a review like this I nearly cried. :) Keep up the good work!




erilea says...


Thanks! I really appreciate the critique. I'm going to edit. I'll like your review!




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— alliyah