Published July 18, 2014
After a long drive (who cares how many centuries), we were in Los Angeles. Will had fallen asleep drooling after stopping the car, and now Sadie and I were in hysterics. He finally woke up after five minutes of honking the car horn and yelling, and we were now wandering the streets of the City of Angels. We passed by amazing shops that were meant for my bestie and me, but Will stubbornly dragged us on, sneering at how we gave clothes in the windows longing looks. I even promised an adorable dress I was going to visit here again soon. Finally we came to an old dock with moss growing in the cracks. There, an old man was sitting, covered in seaweed, drops of water, and rainbow-colored clothes. I thought he was the Nyan cat's long-lost-incredibly-ugly father. Anyway, according to Sadie, somebody had to catch him to make him answer one question. So far there was no question in our minds except the prophecy, which currently told us to go unlock the worst Titan in the world, the one who started the second Titan war by swallowing some innocent boy, and who was my father. My life just keeps going south, doesn't it? So far we were getting nowhere, I had to literally pull them away so the kind old Nereus wouldn't hear them. I suddenly the most brilliant idea in the whole universe.
"Let's play rock, paper, scissors," I shouted over the tenacious arguing.
They looked at me like I had gone insane. "What?" Sadie said, so confused she didn't even look at Will, and I swear, Sadie is totally NOT that type of person who doesn't look at the person she just argued with.
"Rock paper scissors," I repeated. "To help us decide who's gonna go catch Nereus."
Of course they mostly didn't agree with me, and we were getting nowhere, but I was desperate. Pounding my fist on my palm, I silently cheered as I lost. I wasn't so much as walking towards that greasy guy. In the end, Will won, and I couldn't help but think logic about how Will could freeze people. I hoped it would work on Nereus, since he was a god and all.
Will discussed that with me, although he snickered when I said the hopefully part. But I seriously didn't want to lose my temper with all these mortals around. That, needless to say, would be bad.
Will gathered his confidence. Sadie was smirking as she watched him go to the Big Greasy Man of Doom. Or should I say god? Never mind that. Back to the present. Will pursed his lips, snuck up behind Nereus, and jumped. I couldn't say it was graceful, but I would say it was a success. Will, just touching that old hipster dude, froze him in a bIock of ice. Staggering back to us, carrying the ice statue, Will panted and almost collapsed freezing a god like that hipster. I traveled through time a little to melt Nereus quickly. Handing him some ambrosia, I turned back to Nereus, who was chattering slightly from the cold. I said, "Now, will you answer our questions?"
Rolling his eyes, he grumbled and said, "Y-Yes, I will answer your oh-so-important questions." I immediately asked him where to locate Tartarus (although I didn't really want to go there). Since we only had one question to ask, I was bummed that I couldn't ask him where my dad was, but I figured one question was better than none at all.
"Tartarus...now why do you want me to tell you where th-that place is?" He mused.
"'Cause it's part of our quest!" I said. I suddenly knew it was a bad idea, because his pondering eyes suddenly became cold and hard.
"Quest, huh?" He sneered, his voice icy and unforgiving.
"Mr. Nereus I can-"
"Heroes...always a-asking for quests...don't y-you think I'm tired of that?" He roared. Sadie gave me a see-what-you-did look, but the sound of chattering while getting mad was so funny I would've laughed if the Papa Nyan Cat had been in the mood for a stand-up comedy.
"Um, Nereus, I can explain...I mean, I can-what I meant was-c'mon, we were just..." Will stumbled over his words, clearly not knowing what to say. That idiot.
Nereus dived back in the water, taking the odorous stench with him, and I was relieved. But then that feeling vanished as a voice sneered, "Useless demigods, you think you can visit Tartarus?" Our trio whirled around as we saw a demigod snickering at us, with two Ares children at his side. Seriously, they had five inch muscles.
"Who are you?" I asked desperately, just to buy us some time before the Ares kids killed us. Why didn't that demigod have a weapon?
"Ethan Nakamura." He growled. Sadie then made the biggest mistake on Earth. She said, "Enough with the wacko names already. What are you, Italian?" Ethan looked at her with pure fury.
"Get her, you brats!" He snarled, pointing at Sadie. The Ares children rushed at her, and all that Sadie could do was stare in terror. Coming to my senses, I raised up my sword, but then I watched as Sadie tried to block the attack.
Also as she got impaled.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Nightshade22 again here to review.
I liked how you keep adding more and more action. Your dialogue is good and can be realatable it isn't blocky when read aloud. Your paragraphs are easy to read and are really good. I'm still half and half on what the quest is actually about. Why do they need to go to Taurus? Why are Areas children after them?
Only suggestions i could see were your dialog are half and half sometimes you break them to a different lines, other times you don't try to keep consistents.
Also, the last sentence
Also as she got impaled.
the also as dosn't seem like it fits maybe instead of telling try showing your reader?
Other than that I loved your story and can't wait to read more
~Nightshade22
Thank you, Nightshade!
You have very creative chapter titles, I must say. XD Very amusing.
I didn't really understand what was going on in the beginning. Wasn't Will driving the car? Then did he fall asleep while driving, or after they'd arrived in Los Angeles? If he fell asleep while driving ... well, you could really use that situation to your advantage. Did he nod off, or was he fast asleep? Didn't Sadie and Jaz try to keep him up, or were they drowsy themselves? I think you could clarify the beginning.
I love how you describe Nereus! It made me laugh. I do wonder how Sadie knew what to do, though ... was it something she learnt at camp? If so, I'd like some background to be able to understand properly. Didn't Nereus notice them when they were standing there? I want to see how they interacted with one another, and I also think you could give us some more description here, or dialogue. I want to hear Sadie and Will arguing! I bet it would be highly entertaining, as well as engaging.
Will can freeze people? Oh, right. Son of Khione. You might want to mention that fact again here, subtly, as a reminder.
Goodness, that scene where he freezes Nereus. It seemed a little too easy, all things considered, but it was quirky. Maybe adding an obstacle there would make it more believable? Since demigods do have the worst luck.
Over here it seems like Jaz is chattering from the cold. Maybe if you replaced the comma with 'who was' it would make things clearer, yeah?
Ahhh, cliffhanger! I wonder what happens next. *muses*
Again, I'll have to repeat what I said in the previous chapter about pacing. That's something that I saw here, too, that things happened a little fast and weren't as suspenseful as they could be. No worries, though: pacing is something that you settle into as you write, and it balances itself out with time, so you're good!
Overall, great stuff! Keep writing!
PM me if you need anything~
~Pomp
I liked R4p17's take on this.
Impressive if you're only 8!
I enjoyed your tone. Confident and easy to read.
Editing, unfortunately, is a less fun past time, but very necessary.
I would walk away a few weeks and ask some questions about what I wanted to say here. Character introduction and description about the background scene was maybe too brief.
Word sculpting takes time. I can see you have a very clear picture in your mind of what happened.
I have a "why" question about the scene though and explaining more about how and why everybody are there where they are might paint a clearer picture.
By answering these questions for the reader will paint the picture and communicate what you see clearer.
Thx!
Knight r4 here to review this work as promised, wisegirl. I certainly hope this helps you! I must say that the title is king one interesting/catchy. Not very inviting though...
Is this time travel, or are you using humorous exaggeration?I think that the first thing you should do with this (possibly even before you really edit it) is break up the first paragraph into readable logical new paragraphs to make it easier to read.
This should not be me and Sadie, since this is in the subjective not objective tense.
How could someone be I covered in rainbows? I mean he can't be saturated enough that when the sun shines down on him and evaporates the water it forms rainbows can it?
I think that I would take out the word "up" and break this into two sentences. It is a bit wordy.
Um...why is she so angry? The hipster just asked her a simple question.
Minor nitpick here. "Bringing" should be replaced by "taking" since you are writing this from whoever your MC's name is.
I recommend using italics. You just put I in brackets before the sentence and /i in brackets after the sentence. Also in the next paragraph you shouldn't capitalize Earth.
Wow! That was blunt! You also should never start a new paragraph with a conjunction. It is alright to do it when you start a new sentence if you do so in moderation but never a paragraph. Still though, that was a good ending, and a good way to set the stage for some more action. However it's not always the best thing to let your characters get beat up like that.
Overall I was impressed by your writing skills. For being only eight years old you have written this pretty well most of the errors I found were grammatical, which is understandable. You do have potential.being on YWS will definitely help you.
Love it, love it, love it!
I don't really understand this. Not what type of person?
I think your phrasing is a little clumsy here.
Woah, that was sudden!
'Y-Yes, I will answer you oh-so-important questions.' - 'you' should be 'your'.
Brilliant ending!
My overall thoughts about this are that I liked the realistic tone - your character sounded like someone I would meet at school. I also liked the idea of supernatural stuff within society just not visible.
I found minimal typos and grammar errors but I got a little confused at points because of unclear wording. Be careful, confusion can ruin brilliant stories. If the middle section with Neurus was clearer it would help a lot.
Well done!
Thx! I might edit.