Young Writers Society

'Mommy says it just my friend
Daddy says it isnt real in the end'
This perfectly captures how parents convince a child not to be scared . It makes me actually think about my shadow ! I love how you manage to perfectly capture the fear and horror of a child.The way a child is convinced that they is something more to a shadow and you managed to hint at it with out just saying that .
They was no grammar or spelling mistakes as far as i know !
-Angel ^--^

Perfectly captures the child like fears we all experience at some point in life. I love the words you use to describe everything! I also love how you only subtly hint that their's more to this shadow of yours.
You perfectly capture fear and bewilderment. And even though you never directly say it, when you say,
"Mommy says that it's just my friend

Daddy says it isn't real in the end"

It really sounds as if you as a child feel that they're not helping you fight your fears. Like they're saying "it's nothing. get over it." Which ends up making you feel more afraid of the shadow itself.
I absolutely adore this!

Good luck to you!

Fairly realistic with good imagery. I do think that it would make more sense as a flashback to a fear rather than a childs view at this very present, just due to the more sophisicated vocabulary that children dont usually have.

My favorite line:


"Twisted gruesomely out of shape

Angry arms ready to retaliate"

Woah. This is awesome!! I don't think many people ever really consider what scares children. Shadows, maybe, but their own shadows? I personally never thought of that. Apart from Vashta Nerada, but that doesn't count and I doubt you know what they are.

I'm not moving, I won't flinch

But still I watch my shadow inch

Out of the corner of my eye, I see something vile

My shadow's face twists into a nasty smile

Hey there! So, for a rhyming poem, I actually liked this quite a bit. I'm generally quite nitpicky on rhyming but, for the most part, you made it work, and you have quite a good read in the end, so kudos on that. I liked the subject matter. It seems kind of cute in a kidish way but also dark, considering it deals with fear. You've reached a good balance there.

Favorite line, by far -
"No eyes, no mouth, and no expression
Unknown emotion; unknown aggression"

Like others, I appreciated your formatting of the poem. It did make it a little awkward for me at times because I found the asterisks stopped the flow in some places, but it was necessary in others. I wonder if you could make part of this continuing couplets, and break apart others? Are the asterisks necessary if you could instead end every couplet with a period and a space? Just a thought.

Also, I really loved this half of one of your couplets: "If I'm not wavering, why is it?" Scary, but stays within the context of the narrator.

I agree with other nitpicks on some of the forced rhymes. Always remember that a poem CAN be good without rhyming! This one is good with the rhyming though.

I felt a bit like you need a better beginning, because it's too much like it jumps straight into the couplets and the story. I appreciated the ending, however. To be scared of what you know is kind of opposite to human nature, in some extent - generally we are afraid of the unknown, or so I am told, which makes your particular line very interesting.

Overall, good job! I hope to read more from you.

Hello, Chips here with a review.

I liked the idea of shadows centering interestingly in your poem. I also liked how your formatted this piece, as if it were written in stages of what the character what going through. The rhyme scheme actually worked well in this poem so well done on that.

However, there is always room for improvement so I have a few suggestions which may be of help to you.

I thought the poem took a little while to reach the actual point of the shadow, which suspended the momentum being built to the point where the shadow is addressed. I would have liked to see it progress a bit faster.

"No eyes, no mouth, and no expression

Unknown emotion; unknown aggression"

I liked the use of description here and rhyme. But I felt there was repetitiveness here which was almost verging on listing. To break up the close similarities perhaps removing one of the, "no"'s.

"Close my eyes and try to sleep

Count the numbers, count the sheep"

Here, the rhyme was good too. This is a minor nitpick but in the second line, I think the word, *and* being added after, "numbers" would make it flow more, in my view.

"Is it mad because I'm always first?

I get to drink whenever I thirst?"

This line read slightly awkwardly to me. I think it's mainly due to the word, "mad" it's somewhat informal to the rest of your poem which is written in a constant formality.

"Define the fear I feel inside

The instinct that demands I hide"

The first two lines were actually my favorite lines. I liked how they were captivating and challenged the reader.

Overall a nice poem. Hope this review helped. Keep writing!

--Chippy

Hi WallFlower here for a review.

This poem is very intriguing. I love the ending! It's the perfect ending stanza; it addresses the reader and leaves them (or in this case, me ) with something to remember. Good job!

I just had a few nitpicks.

Mommy says that it's just my friend

Daddy says it isn't real in the end

Twisted gruesomely out of shape

Angry arms ready to retaliate

If I'm not wavering, why is it?

I don't like it, not one bit.

Hi, Sherri. This is Pinkie here for a review.

To say, this poem is dark and interesting! It is about a character is scared of her/his own shadow. The whole poem is full of rhymes which it is good thing. I didn't see any errors on here which it is good too. I like it! I like it a lot! I will grand you a 'like' on this poem. You are a great poet, man! Anyway, have a nice day.

Awesome Job and keep writing!

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13

Knight r4 here to review this work, or rather poem, Sherri. I certainly hope this helps!

I enjoyed the poem a lot. The only thing that bothered me was that shadows do exactly what you do. Therefore, if you looked behind you the that would be looking behind itself took not smiling. I realize this is sort of just for effect but it kind of annoyed me. You may want to look into it anyhow. But let's get bad to the review.

I noticed that you had a star between every line. I'm not quite sure why you out them there, though I am sure you have a good reason for it. Just let me know.

Other than that I couldn't really find I whorl lot of things to critique. I thought that you used good poetic language and all that good stuff.

I am sorry, but I think that this is going to be a short review and I didn't have a lot of criticism. I am not an expert at reviewing poetry. But you should get at least one more review for it.

Ps. Oh by the way, I almost forgot to mention that I liked the length of this poem. It wasn't pages long or just a few lines good job. Happy writing!!! : D