The next morning, Alexia avoided Ben. She wasn’t in the mood for another argument, or being a victim of his 'I'm sorry's. She grabbed an apple for lunch and zoomed out of the door before he got out of the shower.
She only realised how tired she was when she reached the school hallways and her eyelids drooped. She was planning on having an early night.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and a voice whispered in her ear. "Hey, Firey" She turned around.
"Graham, I'm just not in the mood." She said.
A face full of mirth grinned boyishly at her. The face was crowned with black hair, caught up in locks, under which were glimpses of acne. The boy was tall, even for his age group.
Graham quickly wiped the smirk from his face when he saw her expression. "Oh wow, you don’t look like you've come from Disneyland."
"No kidding." Alexia sighed. "Yesterday was a dog of a day. You have no idea."
Graham stuck his bottom lip out in a put. "Aww come here. Wanna tell GrayGray about it?"
She gave in to his invitation and leaned on his chest. She told him about the events that had taken place the day before. Especially how mad she was at Ben.
"Not to mention I was almost raped by some ruffians. Jerks."
Graham pulled her back and looked into her eyes. "Serious?"
"As death. Could have found me lying in some gutter along Fifth Street.."
"Oh my gosh. There are people like that out there? I'm sorry - I should have waited for you!" He took on a worried expression.
She shook her head. "Nothing you could have done about it. Besides, it never happened."
"How'd you get away?"
She told him about the strange girl.
"Hmm. Odd indeed. Did you - oh, that's the bell. Well you better go. You don't wanna be in any more trouble." He ruffled her hair playfully. Alexia scowled but still smiled at him. He seemed like a splash of audacious colour among the grey shades of ordinary everyday life. Speaking of which... she grumbled again as she thought of her first class. History.
*************
After school, Alexia went with Graham to the local MacDonalds for lunch. She explained that she wanted to spend as little time in 'that house' as possible. Alexia was thoughtful as she sipped on a soda.
"You know, you didn’t have to do this. There are probably tons of things you wanted to do." She said after awhile.
Graham looked at her sceptically. "Well, I had to make up for yesterday somehow."
Alexia frowned slightly. "I hope you still aren’t feeling guilty about it."
He gave a surrendered sigh. "Well, I can't help it! I mean, I wasn’t there for you - I didn’t protect you. And you were almost...almost..."
"Look, forget about it ok? I'm ok now" Alexia insisted.
He nodded vigorously. She could tell he was trying to convince himself more than her. Satisfied for now, Alexia gazed out of the window and saw an alley that seemed familiar. "You know, I'm kind of worried about that girl. I mean, there are a lot of kids on the street these days. I thought we had an orphanage?"
Graham shrugged. Alexia imagined what is was like to be homeless. She felt she would never survive. She was just thinking about life without milkshake, when she saw a figure running down the sidewalk on the other side of the road.
She widened her eyes, and almost choked on her soda. She coughed and spluttered, trying to communicate with Graham. "That's... that's him! That's the guy!"
Graham frowned, trying to think of who she could mean. He narrowed his eyes as realisation dawned. "You mean the guy who almost - " He shoved his chair back so violently that it spun, and he began marching to the exit.
"Gray, wait!" she quickly left some money on the table and ran after him. By the time she got outside he had crossed the road, gaining on the unsuspecting figure. When she was halfway across, Graham had slammed the guy down with a move she had seen once in football practices.
Oh no, she thought. I need to stop him before he pounds him into the concrete.
"Graham, stop!" she grabbed his shoulder and tried to pry him away from the battle. He turned his head sharply, and she saw a look similar to a charging bull on his face.
"Leave him! I want to speak to him" Alexia urged him.
Graham looked at her with protesting eyes. But her determined look didn’t waver, and eventually he let go of the guy's shirt, causing him to fall back first on to the concrete. Graham muttered something that she wished she hadn’t heard.
She turned to the cowering figure on the ground, now bleeding from several places on his face, with a look of genuine fear. Her gaze softened slightly.
"You remember me?" she spoke in a firm voice.
"Please don’t hurt me! I'll do whatever you want!" he covered his face with his arms.
"He won't hurt you again - I just wanna ask you some questions." She turned to Graham. "Look, could you promise not to hurt him?"
He looked at her as if she was crazy. "But this guy almost - he almost - "
"I know." Alexia cut in. "But I have an idea. We have to go somewhere discreet though."
So Graham reluctantly, and not too gently, picked up the punk, gripping his shirt while he was forced to stumble. When they got to the alley, Graham pushed him firmly to the wall with a force that made him squeal.
"Listen, I wanna ask you who that girl was the other day." She penetrated him with her glare, and he found he could not take his eyes away from hers, even when Graham's grip was limiting his breathing.
"I don’t - I don’t know what you're talking about." He gasped.
Although she didn’t move, her gaze became more intense, as if she was probing his mind.
"We both know you're lying. There's no point. Tell me the truth."
He began weeping and slid slowly down the wall. Graham jerked back away from him, disgusted.
"She's inside my hear. Inside! The things are so horrible... I can't... I cant -"
At that moment, something clicked inside her head, bringing a sudden rush of memories that came like ice cold water over her. She managed to steady herself and recover from her lapse in concentration. At the corner of her eye, she saw Graham swirling a finger around his head in a this-guy-is-nuts kind of way. She turned back to the cowering kid.
"Where is she?!" Alexia was aware that her voice had taken a different pitch. "Where does she stay?"
"She's everywhere!" Rex waved his hands crazily about his head at invisible mosquitoes.
Graham cleared his throat and tugged briefly on his jacket. "Look, you're not going to get anything out of this guy. He's nuts in case you haven’t noticed."
Alexia responded by putting her index finger over her lips, still not taking her eyes off the cowering figure. She took a slow breath and spoke clearly and deliberately, as if to a retarded person. "You say she's in your head. If she is, then... what is she thinking right now?" She barely noticed the look of disbelief on Graham's face.
The teen froze now, after a sharp intake of breath. His eyes seemed almost the size of saucers, and were glazed over, like he wasn’t all there.
"Angels."
He managed to say that one word before he collapsed into a fit. Graham hardly heard Alexia tell him to call 911 as he watched in shock, his mouth unconsciously open.
End of chapter
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Grrrr Ember! The site erased my reply!!
Ok, well, as I was saying, I guess the difference between wishy-washy and mood changes is whether we as readers and you as the author, know your characters well. If you DO, then you can anticipate future reactions.
If, for example, a hint of darkness had washed over Graham's mirthful features as he pulled her to him for a hug, then we might have had an idea of the violence hidden underneath his joyfullness. Does this make sense?
What would help is if you defined their Relationship better. They have been together for 2 years, but there's no hint of that in how they are together. He doesn't run his hand through her fiery hair as he bends down to kiss her nose. They don't hold hands, or cuddle, or kiss, or anything that would lead us to believe that they are anything other than the best of friends. So, we cannot necessarily comprehend the depth of their emotions, or WHY he would react so violently towards his girlfriend's would-be agressor.
Make sense?
I see... yes, I get your meaning. I think in general I need to fill more meat in to the chapters, it's a bit thin on descriptions as well as characterisation. I'll use the reviews as a guideline. Thanks!
My pleasure!! ^.^
Hi ember!
Ok, I jumped the previous chapter because I had nothing to add. But here I am for the next one!
I've noticed you use the passive voice a lot in this chapter, something I didn't notice in the previous ones, but maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention. I'm not very good at explaining rules, but here's a handy link that explains it for me: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/educat ... sive-voice
Here's an example from your chapter:
It would add more punch, I think, if you wrote something more along the lines of "let go of the guy's shirt, and he dropped to the dirty concrete." or something to that effect.
Another example:
"he was forced to" is passive. Maybe try, "Causing him to stumble" or something to that effect.
Her gaze softened slightly? Aw, hell no. I mean, he tried to rape her but her gaze softened? So what if he was cowering in fear, completely terrified? I'd be kicking him in the balls (pardon my French), hoping to maim him for life!
This is barely Worth mentioning because I don't know if it's a culture/country thing, but usually at Mcdonalds, you pay in advance. Therefore, her meal would be paid and you wouldn't need to leave money on the table. But maybe that's just a Canadian/American thing.
This is a nitpick about details, same as mentioned before. HOW does she imagine being homeless to be? I mean, she mentions milkshakes, which tells me she CAN'T imagine it, but, really, what comes to mind when she thinks 'homeless'.
For example, when I mentioned this to you in your first chapter, I spoke of cardboard boxes? Why? Because that's MY idea of what being homeless is. So what's Alexia's thoughts?
I liked Graham, he looked playful. But.. again, wishy-washy. I like the whole 'protector' thing going on, but when she told him about the almost rape, he didn't look like the I'll-beat-your-head-in-till-you-die type. So, the 'violence' of the act surprised me.
Alexia thinks when she seems him that he does a move she's seen in football practice. Does Graham play football? This also should be mentioned. Also, is he a boyfriend? Best friend?
Overall, this was a good chapter, but the one I found needed most work.
Thanks for the read, on to the next!!
Tanya
Thanks for the link, it helped me. (NOT "I was helped by it"
). I think it has been an unconscious habit for the most part, but I will keep it in mind in future writing.
I knew I needed to fill in more descriptions overall, but wasn't sure where to start, so your comments really helped to give me an idea!
Graham is a boyfriend... was pretty sure I had mentioned that, but maybe it slipped my mind. But I agree, he needs more character development. I was thinking that his reaction to the would-be rapist would be fuelled by emotion, and although he isn't the pummelling type, this was the case where he was willing to make an exception.
I've gotten quite a few comments about my characters (not just Graham) seeming to behave, well, out of character. I'm trying to figure out the line between mood change driven behaviour, and doing something that they should just never do, considering how I have introduced them to the story. The moments that seem "out of character" to reviewers to me was just a mood change. How do you think I can show changes in mood without seeming to betray who the characters are?
crrrrrrrrrrap! Where did my reply go???
Hmmm... *looks under chair*... not sure...
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Well after reading through this chapter, I have very little nitpicks, so this may just be a commentary on the plot and the like for this review.
As I've already talked about having two points of pronunciation earlier, I won't be going into that. I'd just suggest editing through and making sure you get rid of the few errors that are in this chapter, that pertain to that grammar rule.
There's only one thing that I think could be worked on. When Graham gets up to beat the pummel out of that guy. I totes think you could drag that out a bit more, and maybe describe some more there. For one, he say he knocks him down. As the reader, I felt like I was viewing the fight from a helicopter, and couldn't exactly see what was going on. I'm thinking you could describe his facial expressions more, and maybe go into the surroundings a bit more. Try and get the surrounding to seem as clear as possible, without just telling us what happened.
And listen to Laure, about the show don't tell part. It's really important, that part. A reader will feel like they're a mile away, trying to get a single glimpse of what's going on, if you do telling and no showing. So saying that she ran across the street, is kinda in a way, telling. A good way to avoid that in my opinion, is to describe her reaction to the running, instead of just saying, she ran across the street. Puts a whole different level to the character, and puts the reader in the character's shoes. As that's a pretty silly example, try to bring it up to a entirely different level, when doing action.
OMG... I absolutely love Graham! He's sooo sweet, and supportive towards her. Not to mention, it seems he can kick some butt in the process. XD His reaction to Alexia almost being raped was absolutely perfect in my opinion. And we won't even go towards his reaction when she pointed out the guy who almost did it! Also, he just acted like the typical guy, when she's trying to get information out of him. Grr, do they ever shut up? XD I think your way of portraying him made him seem a lovable and excitable character at the same time, and I'm so glad that you brought this guy in. Guh, I loved it! Keep that up, as he's just waaaayyy to perfect.
Found one or two nitpicks
You forgot the comma after your dialogue ended.
Comma after "Aww". Oh, and Graham, is just too cute right now.
A few typos
Either it's different in England or this is a slight typo. I thought I'd better be safe than sorry, and just say my peace. It usually is "McDonalds". At least in America, and I'm fairly sure they have those in England, not a "MacDonalds." XD
Typo. In red.
Just one more typo, is all.
Overall I loved it and I can't wait to read the next chapter! This one was full of detail and excitement, not to mention we met a totally cool character. The only thing that I think should be worked on, is your reaction versus action. And doing show not tell. Other than that, this is swell! *moves on to next chapter*
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for your review
Could you explain what you meant by action vs reaction?
Oh, yes. Sorry that it wasn't clear. What I meant, is when you're describing a action, it usually gets a little hard to keep it moving at a good pace while still putting in enough detail. What I think would help, is if you put reaction to the action that is happening at that moment. If she moves, then you describe something brushing against her leg or something. Just something that we get the feel of it. XD That explain it better?
Hi there!
I think you can expand on this thought. She got home late, sure, but why would that make her tired? It didn't seem like it took her that much longer to get home to me. Maybe I misinterpreted that part. Either way, you should probably mention it here, saying something about how she had gotten home much later than normal and stayed up until [insert time here] getting it done. That would explain why she was super tired that morning.
I really like Graham. He seems like a great friend. It's really nice how he feels bad about not walking home Alexia the night before. And no matter how many times she tells him not to apologize and just forget about it, he won't. That's a true friend right there; someone who knows what's best for you even though you don't.
Stop writing such great chapter so I can have something to review
So now I'm even more sure that this girl is Nikki. Who else could it be? Nikki was the one who attacked him in the first chapter, at least I'm assuming it was him, Alexia doesn't know his name here, so it has to be him. I'm curious to figure out exactly what she's been doing to him and how it's possible.
I think the coolest thing about your story so far is how we're learning about Nikki through Alexia. Maybe it's not everything we want to know (I'd LOVE to know much, much more), but we do get our fill. And once we run into Nikki again (we will run into her again right...right? *narrows eyes* xD) we'll know so much more about her, which will really come in handy.
Alrighty then, onto the next chapter to supply you with more notifications ^_^
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Notifications galore!! 8-D I may have to go to notification rehab now lol!
Thanks for all of your reviews and thanks for the praise! I'm really humbled :'-) I've noted your comment about how tired she was. I will fill in more details about that in the rewrite...
Hey, there! I read your chapter and it's intriguing. I like the characters and the way they spoke and sounded real. They sounded like real teenagers and acted how real teenagers would, like Graham acting on impulse, feeling protective over Alexia and letting his jock side kick in a bit. I'm intrigued by the the ending and am curious to know more! I think you definitely have an interesting story going. I'm usually more for first-person narrative, but I really liked the way you wrote third-person. It was still personal and almost felt like first person while still having the flexibility of third.
Just focus on the punctuation and skim over it again for a couple possible typos or grammar issues. Overall, keep up the good work!
Hai, Laure here for another review. I'm going to outline the main points on your chapter here. I feel like I haven't seen Nikki for a long time and frankly, I miss her. Not that I don't like Aelxia, I just want to see this on Nikki's side. So we know that Nikki's powers seems to have expanded and grew because she's in everyone's head now, so what's you on? We are seeing this from an outsiders POV b I'd love to hear it from Nikki herself. Anyway, here are the points.
1) Develop your characters and also make sure how realistic they seem. In this chapters you introduced Graham, Alexia's friend. He seems rather interesting if not a bit vague, and very protective about Alexia. I think I've got it in my head that Graham is the guy who's chasing after the almost rape guy, I'm joking he's a very lovely person if not a bit childish to me. The way he speaks reminds me of a child, but only a bit. The thing I have with Graham is once again, I'm only getting the few surface glimpses on him. But because this is the first time, is understandable. Though I can't say the same about Alexis, is five chapters in and I still don't get a clear grasp of her personality or how her mind works exactly. Is almost as if each chapter her personality shifts and changes a little. And then there is her relationship with Ben, which is so blurred right now I don't even know what to say about it. The thing with Alexia is I don't think there is development with her, development is where you go deep inside the character and you show us what goes on. Development is when we witness the growth of a character throughout a story, is about developing their voice, their personality and their mind just like how you develope someone in real life. I think we are not seeing much of this is because she is constantly moving, constantly seeing new things do we always view her only on the physical level. Perhaps explore her mind, or how she deals with such things in the future. Though overall, Alexia is a likable character and I look forward to seeing her develop.
2) Explain your actions.
Is fine to hold back answers to create some suspense, but there are times when explanation for a certain action is needed. Like in this chapter, in the ending you said that something inside Alexia clicked. What exactly clicked, what happened? I know they are memories, but what exactly are they? If you don't tell this to the readers, we can't really comprehend the actions she will take next. And then suddenly, Rex's name appeared on the screen. I don't suppose that's Alexia's powers, to guess someone's name? Because that seemed a bit random and also, Rex's reaction on the whole thing could also be explained and described a lot more to give us a feel of what's going in. She's everywhere, how is she everywhere? Is she causing harm? Pain? What's going on? You don't have to answer all of these, but just enough to give us a clear picture of what's going on, right now all I know is that she everywhere but nothing else. I suppose this also covers my point on developing out your action scenes a bit more.
3) Show don't tell.
We've been over this before, show your actions and emotions instead of telling them. I think you could have done a lot more characterization on Alexia's and Rex's part during that conversation. Deepen their shock and fear, and maybe even use their surroundings to set the mood.
Overall, even though the plot seems to be a bit slow it still seems interesting. I'm frankly dying to see what is going in with Nikki. Going to the next chapter.
-Laure
Hey! IamTraunt here to do some reviewing! Yeah!
Ahem. Sorry.
Yay! We get to see Alexia's power here! Sooo glad
Corrections
Now I know its some people's style of writing, but you should really be putting a comma here:
And a full stop after the dialogue. Sorry for being picky, but punctuation is needed in the right places!
I know this is the worst nitpick of all time but for your story to look professional, you only need three asterisks:
I don't think this amount is needed.
Punctuation!! You need a comma after 'now'. You do this in quite a few places - just reread your work and I'm sure you'll be able to find them.
I think the imagery is a little odd here. His face was like 'a charging bull'? Maybe should think about rephrasing that.
Characters
Yay! Graham! Who is this Graham? *Frozen reference*, well now I get to find out! Seems like such a sweet guy - I think that's what your trying to tell the reader. I laughed so much as I imagined him racing over to give that punk a fist full of pain! It show us readers that he cares about Alexia and he wants revenge when the punk is pointed out. I never realised how sweet revenge could be. I like Graham - he's a likable character. You gave a good description of him:
It was *yes* descriptive, well detailed and you gave the reader a lot to imagine. Good work!
So, we get to learn more about Alexia's feelings towards Ben, (it made me laugh when you said about 'that house'). You also show Alexia's feeling towards Graham. *So sweet!*
Yes! We get to see more behind Alexia's powers! Woo-hoo!
Storyline
So, we get to learn more about Alexia's powers (which I suggested you should do), and really show how powerful she is - you have really quickened the pace by including how Alexia sees the guy who was trying to rape her. Which leads me onto - you told the reader in the previous chapter that the guy was merely 'showing off' to his friends. This confused me a little - but no biggie. Also, I like how you developed Alexia, you really showed us what she is capable of! I love super powered peeps - so I love Alexia and Nikki!
Great job! Keep up the good work!
I must say, you're one of my favourite reviewers
Sometimes a fresh perspective is just what I need to firstly remember what was great about the story, and to help me notice the gaps I might have missed because of being too close to the work. It makes me look forward to your reviews as much as I hope you look forward to my chapters. I can't thank you enough.
Now that the soppy part is done, yes, finally Alexia's powers are on display. I could probably have moved this scene earlier, and maybe deleted a few other scenes. Looking at it now, the rapist has encountered two key characters by pure coincidence 3 times...the odds are just too slim I think, and it gives me the sense that they were the only people in this world. So I will try and tighten the length of time that all of the developments until this point occur. And also add some background/secondary characters to make the city feel a little less empty.
Good news is that the pacing is much more speedy from here onwards! It gets more exciting I can promise that much.
I'm going to post a few more chapters in one go, no pressure to get through them at once. For your convenience I'll link you to the next chapter here:
The Psychic Circle: Chapter 6
By the way, you could actually post on this forum (Review the person above you), I requested a review here for this chapter, but people would need to read the previous chapters first. So if you have something to request for review, you qualify to post here:
Review the Person Above You
Aw :') That brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for that - I will review the next chapter!! You're definitely one of my favourite people to review for. I'm going to review now