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I never liked my hands

by Crimsona


Aaaand I haven't written any night time poetry in a while - I think this poem pretty much sums up the reasons why I stopped. Whoops.

I told you that I didn’t like my hands,

that they were riddled with lines, like an old woman.

As you traced your fingers up and down my palms you

simply compared my lines to veins on a leaf,

and you said they were beautiful.

Yet, if you turned my hand over you would have seen

the dark red marks where my nails had dug,

where I had tried to claw out the sorrow from under my skin.

.

You told me that someone had stolen the sun’s rays

and woven them into my straight, blonde hair.

You never noticed the dark, sludge brown roots

emerging from my scalp; reminding me that

I would never be as perfect as you wanted me to be.

.

Once you said that sometimes my eyes would sparkle so much

that you thought you were looking at the surface of the ocean.

It reminded you of that time you were in Barbados with your father,

when everything was alright in the world.

Little did you know that, yes, my eyes did gleam and glisten –

but only with my unshed tears.

.

I tried darling, I tried and I tried to be brave.

But when the monsters crawled out from under my bed

and snuck into my mind, it made life difficult.

They fed on my childish hopes and dreams until

my heart was as hollow as that pumpkin

that we carved together last October.

.

And as the weather gets warmer and my skin gets darker

The little white lines on my hips come out to play again

and they sing their menacing song,

and whisper their threatening words.

.

Often, the roar of the tempest of blood in my ears

will drown out their tempting murmurs.

But when I’m alone, and I think of how your eyes looked

this time last year when the sun hit them at a certain angle,

their murmurs turn to screams.

No matter how hard I try to cover my ears,

They always seem to win.


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Sun May 25, 2014 7:26 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Me again Crimsona! ;)

As always, have a Happy Review Day!

I have to say I loved this poem all the more than the last. Don't you ever stop that late night poetry writing, because what you do produce is really good! I love how the boy is picking out all these traits of the girl, but she can only see the downsides they bring. And the fact that she is always holding in her emotions, but still down talking herself for not being perfect like he wants is so sad :'( You wrote this beautiful with perfect imagery that keeps me hooked onto these words all the time.

when everything was alright in the world.


This line didn't really work for me because the line 'alright' can of broke the imagery for me a bit. Maybe something like 'when there was total peace in the world' or 'when everything was perfect in the world.'

my heart was as hollow as that pumpkin
that we carved together last October.


Again, this one didn't really work for me because it was so random! I couldn't find any symbolism behind the use of them carving a pumpkin together other than the fact that they did it together (which I think was the point.) But throughout this whole poem you are saying they are together, so this is already given. And seeing poem is really focused on Halloween or anything to do with Halloween ;) So maybe change this to something more related and less random, so I don't feel it was such a sudden input to the poem.

Other than that, there isn't really anything more for me to say here. Keep up the brilliant work, and let me know when you've written anything new!

Deanie x




Crimsona says...


Deanie! Sorry for the lack of reply or thanks - I didn't see this until now :o I totally get your point about the 'alright', I didn't really like it either but was too lazy to think of anything else, I'll change that soon ;) Haha as with the pumpkin, I was at a loss at trying to think of anything else that could be hollow, I might change that later too. Thanks again for your review Deanie, your reviews always make me smile. :) x



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Sun May 25, 2014 2:39 pm
RainbowPowerPonies wrote a review...



Hello, my name is PonyzandPokez and I am going to review this poem of yours because it looks good. Here is what I thought of it:
This is a great poem and I really like it. It has a lot of detail and emotion towards the hatred of your hands. I really think it only needs a little work. Nothing TECHNICAL just some PERSONAL edits to this to make it flow better.
for this line you can make it like this:

I told I do not like my hands,
that they are that of an old woman.

see how that flows a little better?
okay next line, i would change this next part too:
You never noticed the brown, sludge like roots
fanning from my scalp reminding me.

those were the only lines I thought to change. Here are your ratings :D
Spelling: %100
Formatting: %100
Emotion: %90
Grammar: %75
Overall: 480 out of 500
:D Great poem, it has a lot of emotion and it was a wonderful, amazing attempt. Just needs a little touching up. No poem is perfect, right? Negative poems have extreme power if you give it to them and this one has been given an enormous supply of that negative energy. After I write a negative poem I usually write a positive one afterwords so it doesn't have TOO MUCH power; like over watering a plant. Well that's all I have to say, keep writing. I'll be reading
~PonyzandPokez




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Sat May 24, 2014 11:44 pm
CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Hello CesareBorgia here for a review,

You're like the best poet ever. How long have you been writing? This was really good. There are several qualms though.

I told you that I didn’t like my hands,

that they were all lined like an old woman.


I would change this too,

I told that I didn't like my hands,
that they were riddled with wrinkles like an old woman.


You never noticed the dark, sludge brown roots

emerging from my scalp; reminding me that


I would change emerging to secreting, it sounds better.

But when the monsters crawled out from under my bed

and snuck into my mind, it made life difficult.


I would also change snuck, to delved.

That's all I have to say. This was really good, and I look foreword to seeing more of your works.

CesareBorgia,
signing out.




Crimsona says...


Thank you for your review, I really liked some of your suggestions so I may make some changes! Thanks again.



Crimsona says...


And I certainly wouldn't say I'm the best poem ever, hehe, that's very sweet of you though, but I've got a long way to go before I can even come close to some of the best poem poets on this site! I've been writing poetry since I was about 13, so 3 years now. :)



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Sat May 24, 2014 11:43 pm
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DeepCrystal wrote a review...



Jeez, so much pessimism in this piece. I hope that this doesn't reflect upon what you truly think of yourself. It if is, I'm gonna have to find you and give you a hug and let you cry into my shoulder. This also sent a few chills up my spine seeing how distraught some people might feel when they are this rejected. There were a lot of metaphors in this piece that, in my opinion, seemed to contradict each other. Such as when you described your hair as being blonde and then saying that brown sludgy roots are sprouting from your head. Are you naturally a brunette? Just a lot of contradictions that went left and right at so many intervals that left me confused. Other than that, I thought this was a good piece--melancholy, but good.




Crimsona says...


Awh you are so so very sweet. I understand what you say about the contradictions - but that was sort of the point. Yes, I'm naturally a brunette with dyed blonde hair, hence the roots. Thank you very much for your review. :)




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