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Young Writers Society



Salvation

by Laure


I acquired a like for rain

In the haze of my childhood

As they slid into my upturned lips,

I thought they were candies, crystallized.

I acquired a love for rain

behind the window sill,

And listened as they soothed my churning thoughts

I thought they were angels, ethereal.

I've acquired an obsession for rain,

inside these four white walls

Their icy touch against my scorching soul


Is my salvation


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57 Reviews


Points: 246
Reviews: 57

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Sat Apr 12, 2014 9:36 pm
Weymouth wrote a review...



I love this, especially your use of adjectives, like 'haze' and 'ethereal' (it's been a long time since i've seen that word used). I also like the way you progresses from a like for rain, to a love, to an obsession, I think that suits the poem really well :) To finish off, the penultimate line 'Their icy touch against my scorching soul' works so well, and I just love the contrast you've used there :P

Keep it up!




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254 Reviews


Points: 5688
Reviews: 254

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Sat Apr 12, 2014 8:30 pm
BFG wrote a review...



Really like the "candies, crystallized" part. Made me think of crystallized ginger (yum!). One qualm I had with this was the use of "like" as a noun in the first line. Maybe "taste" would work? I know you want to go from "like" to "love", but something else might be more original, creative, unexpected... and we don't actually say "I acquired a like for" something. I love the progression of the poem, as it moves inside... but I'm confused as to how the rain is in the last room with its four white walls? I thought maybe the very strong desire to feel rain again when you can't, which I know I sometimes get when I'm cooped up inside, might be the last one, but that doesn't seem to be the case. So I'm a little confused on that.
Otherwise, great poem!




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933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

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Sat Apr 12, 2014 4:49 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Laure!

Quick nitpick:

As they slid into my upturned lips,


Raindrops can't slide into your lips. More like onto, or even between the lips if you must. Tweak that so it makes more sense.


Okay! I suggest you also get rid of the double space at the end so it's a smoother transition into the end and not an unnecessarily big transition gap.

Moving on, I adored this poem! Rain is commonly used in poems, but you put your own creative license on it and made it unique. I love the descriptions you used to describe the rain and what id does/what it means to the narrator. The simple details used to show the rain and whatever it's doing is great, as it brings images to my mind and also makes me thirsty and long for it to rain so I can fall asleep to the sound. Also really thirsty now O__o

Overall, this poem was really good! I especially enjoyed the repetition of "I acquired" as it was done sparingly, and each time was unique and added to the poem's overall smooth flow. This was really good and I enjoyed reading it, so thank you for sharing! :)




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15 Reviews


Points: 1264
Reviews: 15

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Sat Apr 12, 2014 3:03 am
ninjawaffles wrote a review...



Hello! Ninjawaffles here!

I really like the feel of your poem. There isn't that much to be picky about but I can make some suggestions.

"I thought they were candies, crystallized"

In reality, rain is liquid so they can't be crystallized. I see what you mean when you say that they were like candies, you must be implying that they were sweet or felt sweet when they landed on you. If it was snow then it would make more sense to use the word crystallized but maybe for rain you could use something different.

"behind hind the window sill,"

I think here you just accidentally wrote another "hind" so just pointing that out so you can fix it.

The rest is very well written. 8/10 from me. Keep up the good work!





"Honestly, I think the world is going to end bloody. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. We do have choices."
— Dean Winchester