Young Writers Society

I absolutely loved this poem! It was one of those deep but simple things, like melodies you hear every single day, and yet they manage to strike you just as forcefully every single time. It was -- as AEChronicle put it -- whimsical. And I've found that a drop of whimsy always succeeds in adding to the originality of things in this already unoriginal stream of thoughts we weave. Since there's not much for me to review, I'll just skim through some of the stuff I saw and let this be an encouraging cookie review. How about it?

So, I think you could improve this bit right here:

She flew out in the snow

and so she screamed

"I want to catch a cold!"

Wielding her gleaming net,

Her butterfly-catching

Scheming net,

OK, so since you've used "and so she screamed" here, the reader excepts a reason leading up to why she screamed. Also, when you use the word "net" twice, it just gives this feeling that you're trying to emphasize on something, but you're not entirely succeeding. I'd suggest you replace the second "net" with something else.You could play with the words here, bring in a few changes... maybe tweak the sentence structure...

And it would be something like this:

She flew out into the snow

and screamed in ecstasy

"I want to catch a cold!"

Wielding her gleaming mesh.

Her butterfly-catching

Scheming net,

But this is just me making a suggestion here. You can play with the words just as it suits you! After all, everyone has their own unique way of writing!

Hey fictional!
I'm gonna give you a real quick review before I sign off for the night. Well, the rest of Review Day anyway. I noticed that @GreenTulip mentioned the changes she would make below, and I agree with everything she wrote. Although punctuation might be a bit off, I'm going to let that slide and say that this poem does well without rhyming. Usually, poems with rhyme work better for me, but you did well with this, so congrats! Well, I gotta run, so keep writing and as always, keep smiling! See ya around the site and in the reviews!
-Sis

Hi, so this is how I am going to do this....I am giong to put your poem down here, but It will be how I think it should be. This way it is better, than trying to tell you exactly what should be done- it will just you be seeing it.

She flew out in the snow
and so she screamed,
"I want to catch a cold!"

Wielding her gleaming net,
Her butterfly-catching
Scheming net.

She blazed once more,
"I want to catch a cold!"

Out of the red
and the violent blue,
Plummeted a rock.

No, it was a hailstone -
a frozen world inside!

Yet it was another pebble,
Cruel enough to scar the soil
And crush the corn flake road.

Unfazed, she soaked the sky
With her storied gaze
Of rainbow-rain.


The onlookers glanced

At their clocks, and then

They observed

From their monotone homes.


They may have been

the wrong Holmes -

That did not mean

that figure-outs

Could not be made.


"My net is too SMALL!"

She shrieked in glee,

And rushed to the basement

To find an answer.


Three hours and five

hundred nose-sniffles later,

She frolicked merrily,

Cold in each hand.

Hey, Victorianbeauty here for a review! This is a great work. I always love to see whimsical poems that at first sight appear to be made up of completely unconnected thoughts and sentences but after reading it through, you realize that it really does make sense. I didn't see any grammatical errors. However, I did see some spots that needed some punctuation added in.

"She flew out in the snow

and so she screamed

"I want to catch a cold!"

I seems to me that it needs a comma right after the word 'screamed.' It would help the next line seem more like a separate thought.

"Out of the red

and the violent blue

Plummeted a rock."

Again, I think that it would flow better with another comma placed directly after the word 'blue'.
Other than that, I think that this is a great work. I can't wait to see more of your work!

This is an awesome poem!

I have always loved whimsical things, and this surely fits the bill well. You do a great job of taking something we take for granted and turning it into an interesting, and controversial subject, explored in a strange new way.

I like that you have the girl attempt to "catch a cold" with her butterfly net. This adds to the whimsicality of the poem, but also gives it some depth, and causes the reader to ask one very important question; "What the heck?" It makes sense in a weird way, but then it doesn't, so it's intriguing, and it causes a brilliant clash. Whereas the girl is in the middle of winter and the snow and the cold, here she is running around with a butterfly net, something associated with warm, sun shiny days.

All in all, I liked it a lot. Very good work!

Thank you fictional!