Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

Bell To Bell

by fictional


"Big test coming,
teach 'em well,
Memorize it
bell to bell,"
'Experts' said
the day before
to the teacher of next door;
It was slammed
in nature poor
(or nature well,
he couldn't tell -
all their understanding
fell).

Anyway, this teacher seemed
helpless
hopeless
shattered dreams
That was how he felt it was -
Droning on without a pause
Wasn't what he cared to do.
Start curiosity anew,
Infect yearning like the flu
To see a future anti-blue!

Teacher needed them to feel
That answers make up half the meal.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
433 Reviews


Points: 13351
Reviews: 433

Donate
Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:04 pm
TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



Hello!
Glad to see you have posted this, and I particularly like the subject matter.
In the lines, "Big test coming, teach 'em well, Memorize it bell to bell," it is unsure who the speaker is. If you see you don't mention it further on-"They told him the day before; The door was slammed in nature poor (or nature well, he couldn't tell - all their understanding fell)." you don't particularly mention it in any way, and this lead to a little confusion on my part. Also "Drone it on without a pause Was not what he cared to do.". Here you could afford to turn drone it into droning, and turn was not into wasn't, just to make it flow a little better. Apart from these, the poem is very good, and I particularly liked the last two lines.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!




fictional says...


Thanks for the advice! I'll try to make the speaker clearer - still trying to work it out. Glad you liked it :)





Your welcome! :-)



User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 436
Reviews: 40

Donate
Mon Jan 13, 2014 7:05 pm
KittyBee says...



Going to review this shortly




User avatar
95 Reviews


Points: 818
Reviews: 95

Donate
Mon Jan 13, 2014 4:40 pm
Clarity wrote a review...



Hello there, fictional! You're still fairly new, so welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying it here.

I'm Clarity and I'm here to give you one of my reviews.

"Big test coming,
Teach 'em well,
Memorize it
Bell to bell,"

This is quite catchy, I found myself reading it to some sort of beat. Was this intentional? I see you've used a rhyming scheme here; it fits in fairly well... but that's only because it has a sort of beat to it. I'm a little unsure otherwise.

They told him
The day before;
The Door was slammed
In nature poor.

I've noticed that you use the same rhyme scheme that I used most often. I tend to write more poetry without a rhyme scheme... but if I do, I generally use this one.
Again, I read this to a beat in my head, which made the rhyming sound a lot better. You were missing a full stop at the end, and I reckon you could use a "the" where I added one in red.

(or nature well,
he couldn't tell -
all their under-
standing fell).

Ah, I see where your full stop is, now. Honestly, I've never understood the use of brackets in a poem. To me, it looks awkward.
In this third of the stanza, I think it fell apart a little. You separated your lines just so it would fit in with the rhyme scheme and it doesn't look very good.

The whole of this stanza (which I split into thirds) is a little too spaced out for my liking. I think you should make your lines longer, because the structure ruins the last third, for me anyways. You also switch between capitals at the start of every line, to not doing so within the brackets. I'm a little confused.

Start their 'magination new,
Infect yearning like the flu
To see a future anti-blue.

I don't really see what all of this has to do with each other? Throughout the previous parts of the poem, you've spoken about some form of teaching, a life lesson, maybe? But here, I feel like you used these words to add more rhyming. I also think you should make that "imagination". The shortened version looks a little strange.

Your rhyme scheme has also changed, which is a little odd. If you use a rhyme scheme, it's probably best if you actually stick to the same rhyme scheme throughout the whole poem.

Teacher needed them to feel
That answers make up half the meal.

I like these last two lines, although, what exactly are you portraying as the "meal"? Is this a metaphor for the lesson learned?


Overall, if I interpreted the poem correctly, I liked your concept. I looked at is as though this teacher was teaching someone a life lesson; on what to do and what not to do, and such. This whole thing appears to be more lyrical, so maybe that could be one of your category's instead of general? It was a good poem, but I didn't like the rhyme scheme. But, it's your preference, so it's up to you on how you write your poem; I'm just here for suggestions!

I didn't find any SPaG (Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar) mistakes. The only thing that bothered me was the odd use of an apostrophe or two to shorten words like "imagination".

Anyways, I hope I helped in some way.

Good luck and Happy YWSing,

-Clarity.




fictional says...


Hello! First of all, thanks for your wonderful review! You've given me some very useful advice; I left off "the" and shortened "imagination" and other things because I wanted the number of syllables to be the same...but I see that it isn't very necessary.

The idea of this poem is that there's a teacher; the people up above, in administration or the state education department or whatever, tell him what he has to do. In other words, shove answers into the kids' heads in preparation for the upcoming exams.

He, however, disagrees - hence the rant about imagination and etc.
Maybe I should make that a bit clearer - thanks for telling me!

The meal is the thing you nourish yourself with - in this case, knowledge. But you can't have answers without questions :)

Thanks again!



Clarity says...


I get it now! Good job.



User avatar
472 Reviews


Points: 336
Reviews: 472

Donate
Mon Jan 13, 2014 11:39 am
Wisteria wrote a review...



Hey fictional! Ok, I'm going to be brave and try and review this....

"Big test coming,
Teach 'em well,
Memorize it
Bell to bell,"
They told him
The day before;
Door was slammed
In nature poor
(or nature well,
he couldn't tell -
all their under-
standing fell).


Ok, in terms of grammar and spelling, there's not much to find mistakes with. And I absolutely adore the format of this poem! And the rhythm just flows so nicely and smooth! But I just have one tiny little nitpick for this stanza. I think you should put under-standing on a separate line, and then fell on a separate. Because it flows better that way. I was also confused by 'in nature poor, (nature well). But I'm terrible at interpreting poetry...so...yeah..

Anyway, the teacher seemed
helpless
hopeless
shattered dreams
That was how he felt it was -
Drone it on without a pause
Was not what he cared to do;
Start their 'magination new,

Infect yearning like the flu
To see a future anti-blue.


I think you've described how the teacher is feeling, really well here! Also the imagery and the language here is stunning! . And my favourite lines....

Start their 'magination new,
Infect yearning like the flu
To see a future anti-blue.

Teacher needed them to feel
That answers make up half the meal.


I love the ending, it speaks so true for most of the teacher out there and the students. Because most of them nowadays, only wants the answer and won't learn the progress and the teachers are being pressured as well. All in all, wonderful poem! Keep up the good work!

-S.s




fictional says...


Thanks for reviewing! :) I'm glad my poem told you what I wanted it to say. Good advice - I'll use it :) p.s. By "nature poor/nature well" I mean good or bad intentions. Perhaps I should change it a little, I don't know.




Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain