The Last Days Chapter Two: Captured

by sarahnsnow

Published December 27, 2013

E - Everyone

In The Chosen Ones Series

Arake leaned back in his seat and signed in boredom. He listened to his teacher, Sir Lorando talking about writing and presenting speeches.

"So you want your writing to be neat, put in organized position. This goes for your speeches as well. Everything should flow together...." Arake rolled his eyes. He hated writing and everything else that required thinking and figuring out. He wished he could skip them and play with his friend Davey. Davey was a young knight, two years older than he was, who helped guard at the palace. Both of them were rough boys who got into a lot of mischief. Once, they meant to put too much spices in his sister's food, but instead it ended up in his father's. His father was in rage once he had his first bite.

Arake had dazed off during his lesson in thoughts. His only favorite thing to learn about was history; especially about Danielle, Samuel and Herman; Heroes of long ago who saved Zilda from Andorra's grasp.
"Arake? Prince Arake? Are you listening?" Sir Lorando asked. Arake turned his attention to his teacher

"Yes, sir." He could see in the man's eyes that he did not believe him.

"Well, your studies are over, you may leave." Arake nodded; relieved he could get out of there.

“Oh, there is a small test tomorrow,” Sir Lorando told him. Arake stared at him in disbelief and then he left the room, Lorando's grayish eyes followed him. He barely had any hair but Arake could tell it was blonde. He learned about him about two weeks before. The poor teacher had lost his wife years ago who was very beautiful but she was accused of being a thief and was hanged; for what reason Arake did not know for that was all he heard.

Arake rushed through the corridors of the castle. He had to meet Davey down by the stables to plan for their next trick on his sister, Ariana. He stopped by his bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes and then he raced out of the castle toward the stables and saw Davey waiting for him in the doorway.

"Davey!" Arake reached his best friend. His blonde hair waved in the wind and he stood folding his arms. He was smiling.

"Happy Birthday, Arake," he said.

"Ah!" Arake ran his hands through his dark hair. "I completely forgot!" They both walked into the stables and Davey gave him a hard pat on the back.

"Sixteen winters.." Arake stopped and started to pet a light brown mare.

"You shall face your father in a tournament then?” Davey asked.

"Oh yes, I'm anxious for that. If I am as good as father then hopefully I’ll be able to fight with father in some battles. Risenife isn't cooperating with trade." They've been in trade with Risenife for years. The kingdom was incredibly far from them, beyond Zelda and across the sea so there were problems brewing between them such as hold up on supplies and recourses. Risenife was the oldest and the first kingdom to ever be built in history. Arake continued to pet the mare and looked to Davey.

“But you know your father… He wants to keep peace with other kingdoms and does not want war,” Davey Replied and Arake nodded.

“I know… It would be an adventure though don’t you think?” Arake asked. He was a rambunctious prince who yearned for action, adventure and sword fighting.

“It certainly would- Well I have a trick in mind for Ariana..”



After Davey told Arake their plan, they burst out laughing and went back into the castle to begin their prank.

"Go Arake," Davey whispered. The Two friends waited behind a wall waiting for Arake's sister to leave. Ariana was just stepping out of her bedroom as Davey poked Arake but he held up his hand to tell him to wait a little bit more. Ariana then disappeared down the hall.

"Let’s go!" Davey said. Arake and him got up and moved toward the door. They opened it and walked in. The room was big and had long pink drapes hanging down in front of each of the windows. They both scrambled to Ariana's desk that was located on the right side of the room behind a pink couch and opened a drawer. Inside were three, light pink, glittering combs. Davey picked them up before Arake and smiled.

Not long after, they hid when Ariana returned. She was going to use her combs but realized the combs were missing their teeth and she squealed in fright and ran out of the room.

"Mother, Father!" Her high pitched voice screamed. Arake and Davey laughed to their hearts conent.

*
The town was alive, bright and was full of wandering villagers who stopped at markets or in the middle of the streets to chat with each other. The markets were large, decorated with red cloth and full of different kinds of things such as food or jewelry.

Silvernist walked through the village unnoticed by the villagers. She tightened her cloak securely around her and weaved her way through groups of huddled people. The dirt road was packed with people that she kept knocking into them accidently.

"Watch it girl!" One man yelled as they ran into each other face to face. Silvernist flinched and then stared up at him and apologized. Once he moved away, she moved her eyes up the dirt road until they rested upon castle. She gaped at it once again, taking in its beautiful structure and tall towers. She had a plan of how to get inside but before she continued, two women caught her attention.

"The prince's birthday is today and there’s going to be a ball! Are you attending?" The plump woman asked.

"Of course I am! How old is the prince this year?" The other replied.

“Oh…. I think Sixteen…” Silvernist looked away and began walking toward the gates that were built in front of the castle. It was the prince's birthday! This would make everything easier for her. Her chance to speak with the king would be open since there would be a ball.

She came upon the gates and looked at the guards who stood there guarding the gate with swords at their belts. Silvernist snuck to one side of the large gate next to the brick wall and hid behind some large burrows. She made sure no one was watching her and then she closed her eyes, imagining her whole body disappearing. Once it did, she stood up and easily walked right past the guards.

The night grew darker when Silvernist reached the castle. The sun began setting and a thousand lights started appearing from homes and the castle like the stars just coming into view beyond the fading blue veil above. The large castle doors waited for her and behind her, women and men were arriving dressed in well-made dresses and coats.

Silvernist paused and sighed. She considered maybe even being dressed up for the party. She ran into a grass field where there was a large tree and hid behind it. She closed her eyes and her body reappeared. She slid her hands on both of her arms to make sure she was in flesh and then closed her eyes once more. She began to whisper a spell where only she could hear herself. As she spoke, the words stimulated her, causing her to develop a cold feeling run throughout her body. Her power overwhelmed her.

“Oh power within, my strongest point, create what I desire, in which now I appoint.”

All of the sudden, she sensed a bright magic surround her body and then disappear within seconds. She opened her eyes and smiled in pleasure to see herself wearing a silver, glossy gown that reached just above her ankles. Along the neckline of her dress, were small, circular sapphires. Silvernist followed them with her finger, feeling their rough surfaces rub against her skin. Her eyes glittered in delight and she smiled.

Then taking her hair in her hands, she stuffed it beneath her cloak and raised the hood over her head.

Soon after, Silvernist followed the crowd of people into the castle through tall, brown wooden doors that were already open for all to open. Two guards dressed in red fancy uniforms decorated with gold threads, stood at each side, welcoming the villagers. As she walked in, her dress swished as she walked and she kept her face low and hidden. She peeked out of the corners of her eyes and gazed at the shiny, white marble floor and pillars. She stopped when she reached the ballroom entrance and she gazed on in wonder at all the decorations and chandeliers that hung from the ceiling. There were large, tall glass windows all around the room with red curtains pulled aside with ribbons and along the sides of the room were, serving tables filled with food and drinks for the people to consume. Silvernist couldn’t help but have her eyes linger on in amazement and hold her breath. But soon she released it as many more crowds of people entered and she began to follow them, vanishing within them.
*
Outside the castle, as the two strong, armed guards stood watch in front of the gates, neither of them saw a dark shadow hide behind a tree nearby. Suddenly an arrow was released and struck one of the guards. The other was shot too and both of them fell to the ground and a group of men with weapons jumped out.

They burst through the gate and started running to the castle.

***

Meanwhile Aviel was standing in his chamber, watching the whole scene through a cloud of red, magical dust he was holding. He watched as his men sneak around the castle. He smirked. It had been four days since Silvernist ran away but he had been watching her the whole time from when she escaped and to when saw her enter the castle. It was that idiot prince's birthday tonight and since there was a ball, the guards had been led to the map. They could easily get to it because of Silvernist. If he could just catch her and retrieve the map, then his plan to take the black opal would be complete.

But one thing that worried him was that it wouldn’t be easy.
***

Azura and Stefan, were gazing into a puddle of sparkling, silver liquid that was settled into a silver bowl. Who new unicorn blood could be so beautiful? They were all thinking. Azura's blue eyes shone in excitement as she gazed at it.

"It's beautiful," she whispered. Stefan nodded. His green hair waved to the movement of the cool breeze that rushed through their large, round cave. The four sorcerers only lived in the Valley of Ice for about a month. They made home in a cave for shelter until they knew what they could do to help defeat Aviel for they knew his motives. They feared greatly for the Black Opal to be stolen by him.

"We could make another powerful opal," Stefan was saying earlier. Azura glared at him.

"Are you dumb? Why would we do that? And how could we?" Azura replied sharply.

"That just might work." Salvador interrupted them and stepped up beside them. The breeze furiously blew his long brown hair and his eyes lingered on the blood. Azura turned her glare to him.

"But how!? The black opal was made in the Volcano of Synra. How can we make one?" Tamas spoke for the first time.

"Unicorn blood could do it. Said to be powerful, but--"

"But then where would we find unicorn blood in a place like this," Azura cut in.

"Have you ever heard of the Hoarfrost?" Stefan asked. Azura frowned and turned away.

"A Hoarfrost is a special kind of unicorn with a white coat made of frost. They aren’t like any other ordinary unicorns," Stefan replied simply.

"The problem is, no one can just summon a Hoarfrost. They are summoned by a special kind of witch."

"What kind of witch?" Azura asked and Tamas continued.

"Hoarfrosts have a bond with Silverwitches."
*

Arake's punishment for playing another prank on his sister was to sit with his parents on the throne and watch everyone dance. Arake stifled a chuckle as he thought of his and Davey’s prank. He glanced at his mother, Queen Rose, and saw that she was smiling as well. She also thought it was funny.

“Dearie, it’s only a prank and no one was hurt,” she was saying to his father, King Timothy.

The ballroom was full of people mingling and dancing. Arake waved at Davey who stood by the doors to the entrance. He waved back and Arake sighed.

"Don't slouch," his father roughly whispered. Arake obeyed. He saw a group of girls about his age who giggled when they looked at him. He rolled his eyes and looked away.

"Dear, I think we should let Arake go," said Rose.

"And pull another prank? Certainly not!" Timothy replied to his wife.

"Look around, there’s so many girls here. You know he'll be marrying soon if he finds a girl," the queen winked at Arake. Arake looked away and blushed. King Timothy glanced at Arake and answered sudden,

"Alright Arake, you can go." Queen Rose said. She was always so persuasive and had a strong personality. At once, the prince jumped up and entered the crowd of people. He headed to Davey who motioned to him with a wave of his hand. Accidently, while struggling through the crowds of people, he bumped into someone causing her to fall to the ground in front of him. At first he thought he saw a flash of silver, and then gaze fell down onto the girl. She was fixing her hood which hid her face.

"I'm so sorry." Arake bent down to help her up. But she didn't reach out.

"I can get up myself. I’m fine," she replied. Arake watched her move to her feet and walk away, again, fixing her cloak. Ignoring the incident, he noticed people staring at him with curious faces. He moved away, his face burning and reached Davey.

"What was that all about?" Davey asked stifling back a laugh.

"I just bumped into someone. That's all.

"Hey look at those girls over there. See the one with the blonde, shiny hair with the big curls?" Arake saw her. She wore a golden gown and her face was all rosy.

"Isn't she pretty?" Arake nodded.

"I think she likes me." Davey said in excitement. The girl looked in their direction and winked.

"She winked at me! See?"

"Uh, Davey, I don’t think that was for you," Arake muttered. Then he looked away and his eyes caught his mother waving him over..

"What?" Davey questioned.

“My mother is calling me,” he said and began walking away. When he reached his mother, she explained his father was feeling tired and went to the bedchamber to rest.

"Sit," she ordered. "Then we'll dance. You with me."

"Me and you?" Arake asked ghastly. He did not enjoy dancing with his mother. He felt embarrassed when others watched for she sang to the music while dancing. And her singing was terrible… Arake sat next to his mother and watched the dancing couples glide across the floor.

***


Silvernist snuck away from the crowd of people and remembered her encounter with the prince.

"He should look where he's going," she snarled under her breath. She was grateful that her hood stayed on top of her head, allowing her silver hair to be stayed hidden. What would have happened if it slipped off and everyone saw it? Silvernist shook her head and erased the memory.

Silvernist looked around as she stood in the empty hall. The king was just turning a corner and headed down to pair large doors with rose carvings that decorated it on the bottom and top. Silvernist watched him closely and guessed that it was his bedroom.

The king reached them and disappeared inside. This was her chance. Though before she could move, a large, gloved hand covered her mouth and she found herself being dragged away.

Silvernist glimpsed at the face of her captor but she couldn’t recognize him. He wasn’t a castle guard for he was dressed in all black, and he wore a cloth around his mouth as a mask. She wriggled and struggled to get out of the man's grasp.

"Stop it, you witch!" The man growled and drew her tighter against him. Silvernist remembered her dagger under her cloak so she used one of her hands that were free so she could grab it. After she managed to fully grip it in her hand, she shifted the blade up so it was facing one of his arms. Silvernist had never killed a man before and she didn't want to. If this was part of saving the world, she'd have to.

Silvernist raised the weapon and stabbed the man's arm. He yelped and lost his grip just after she stomped on his foot. Silvernist ran back down the hall where they came from and headed toward the King’s Quarters. She could hear her captor grunting , and yelling “you witch!” but he wasn't coming after her. Well, she didn't kill him but wounded him badly. Was it one of Aviel’s men? She questioned. It must have been. They have come to take me back to Aviel.

Silvernist reached the King’s chamber and she stared at the doors that towered above her. She gently pushed one of the doors open and stepped inside. She peeked inside the dark room. It wasn’t fully dark for the window’s curtains were pulled apart and the moonlight shone through. She searched the room until she could barely see the dark shape of a bed. There, lied the king of Zilda resting peacefully. The witch fixed her cloak and walked slowly toward the king's bed. Suddenly the doors opened behind her causing the witch to jump in fright. In came the king's wife. Oh no. She thought and froze where she was, not releasing a single breath.

The Queen halted and stared at Silvernist in fright. She gasped and cried aloud,

"Guards!" The queen's glare moved down. Silvernist remembered that the bloody dagger was still in her hand.

"Murderer!" The queen screamed. It’s a mistake! Silvernist thought.

"No, please!" She tried to face the queen but she moved away.

"I'm not trying to murder--!" The castle guards rushed in, holding swords in their hands. The king was awake now and asking what was going on.

"Sieze her!" Silvernist tried to run from the guards but they grabbed her.

"Your mistakened!" Silvernist cried as she was being taken away from the room.

“No! Please! Let me go! I was only trying to-“ One of the guards tightened his grip on her arm and she flinched. She glanced back at the bedroom and as she was being dragged away, she thought. I was only trying to tell him about Aviel.
*

Arake and everyone in the ballroom froze when they heard the queen's cries.

"What was that?" Arake wondered. Davey was standing beside him.

"It Sounded like your mother." Davey said to him. Arake ran out of the room and made his way to his parent's bed chamber. They were sitting on their bed talking with a group of guards surrounding them.

"What happened?" Arake asked worriedly. His mother looked at him.

"Your father was almost killed."

"By who?"

"I don't know. She was wearing a cloak so we couldn't see her face." Arake thought of the hooded girl he bumped into. Why would a girl try to murder his father?

"Where is she now?" he asked.

"Being locked up in the dungeon. Good riddance," the king replied. Arake turned to his mother.

"Are you sure she was trying to kill him?"

"Well, she had a dagger. Why else?" His mother replied and rubbed her hand on her husband’s arms to comfort him.

*

The man crouched as he walked up a grassy hill toward his group. The wound where the witch had stabbed him, bled endlessly and he only had his mask to cover it. His leader would be angry he did not retrieve the girl. The girl was tough. And wherever did she get a dagger like that? His group waited for him and so did his leader.

His leader's name was Campion. He had a young face, and was in his mid-thirties with dark eyes and a long scar along his cheekbone. Campion stood tall with his arms crossed waiting impatiently. The man, Lizar, was face to face with him.

"Sire, she escaped."

"Escaped? How?!" he yelled.

"S-s- she had a dagger and stabbed me." Lizar showed him his arm. Campion rolled his eyes and walked away. Lizar heard him say,

"I'll make sure she does get captured.” Lizar followed him and Campion turned to him.

“We’ll try again and this time we will get the girl and the map. Let’s go round everyone up,” he said. Lizar nodded.

*

"Let me go!" Silvernist yelled. She tried to yank her arms out of the guard's hands but they were too strong. Silvernist's hood was close to slipping off and feared terribly that it would. She was being led to the dark dungeons. Soon she'd be locked away and her mission would fail.

Finally, she was released but thrown into a rusty, dark cell. Silvernist quickly stood and turned around to have the door slammed in her face. She watched through the bars as the guard locked it.

"You'll be sorry, girl," he whispered harshly and left with the others. Silvernist was alone and was now pacing her new "room."

She was growing hot inside her hood but she was afraid to take it off in case any of the guards walked by and noticed her hair. It wouldn't hurt. Silvernist untied her cloak and it fell to the floor. Her long silvery hair fell to her waist. It was tangled but still beautiful. The hair didn't seem to show in the dark so she stopped worrying. A while passed and she stood in the darkness, wondering what she should do. She looked toward the door when she heard footsteps coming in her direction and her throat tightened. She held her breath again and waited. She moved from the door and into the shadows. She pretended to be sleeping as a guard walked passed by but he stopped. She cupped her mouth with her hand and hoped he wouldn’t try to look in. Silvernist breathed out in relief when he continued walking through the dungeon.

***

Everyone who came to the ball had left after the mention of a murderer. Arake watched everyone leave the castle and hustle towards the village and their homes. It wasn’t very much of a birthday Arake had expected it to be. He especially did not expect this event to happen as well. Davey came up beside him.

"Why would a young girl try and murder the king?" Arake shrugged.

"I know, It's strange. Maybe she has a reason. If you talk to her, I’m sure you will know if she tried to kill the king or not.” Arake nodded.

"Well, I have to go.” Davey said and walked away. They waved goodbye to each other and Arake went back to his parent’s room and saw that they were still sitting on the bed.

"See her? Why see her? I'd rather have her hanged then see her!" Rose exlaimed. Her husband patted her softly on the shoulder.

"It's alright dear. We'll just speak to her." Arake stood listening to their conversation.

"Father, may I come?" he asked.

"Yes you may. Dear you can stay here if you want," he told his wife.

"I'll stay here," she said with stubbornness.

Arake followed his father down the halls, pass the kitchen and into the dungeon where he stared into the cells where the prisoners lay. Arake looked away as soon as the guards led him and his father to a dark, rusty cell. It was pitch black inside.

"Here she is your majesty," the guard bowed. "Just be careful. I found she has weapons."

"Weapons?" The guard nodded.

"Don't worry, I took them from her." The guard banged on one of the bars.

"Hey girl. The king wishes to see you." No answer. "I'll be back. You just have to wait for her," he said. Arake and the king stood there staring into the cell. Suddenly a hooded figure came into the light. Arake stared at her, trying to glimpse a part of her face. All he saw was her lips.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"Why did you try to kill my father?" Arake asked her.

"I didn't," came her reply. "I was trying to warn you."

"About what?" The king spoke this time. "Or is this a lie?”

"I'm not lying," she answered quickly.

"I'm warning you that you kingdom is being threatened. By the wizard Aviel." The king shook his head.

"I've never heard of this Aviel. Who is he?"

"He's a wizard that knew Andorra and now he’s planning revenge. He wants to take over the world and he may even destroy it.” Arake glanced at his father.

“No more evil exists in this world. How can you know this? I believe this is all nonsense!” King Timothy exclaimed.

“I have met Aviel,” the girl continued. “He is real and is evil and he wants to take revenge. Some of his men are even here at your castle for I have run into one of them. He tried to capture me and that is why I was armed with a dagger. If you do not believe me then I will do all I can to convince you that you, your family, and your people are in danger.” Arake glanced at his father. He even found himself becoming convinced from the girl’s words. But could the girl be telling the truth?

“You are only a little girl,” Timothy replied. “Which is why I cannot trust you. I do not believe what you say.” Arake heard his father’s voice shake barely as he spoke.

“No evil has existed for hundreds of years and none will ever exist.” He began walking away.

“Come Arake,” he said. Arake glanced back at the girl who stood there in the dark, silent. Then he followed his father out of the dungeon.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2013

Hello! Just a note that I haven't read the first chapter so you'll need to take everything I say with a pinch of salt. If I point out something which you think you've covered earlier, then you can use your greater knowledge to decide if it needs changing or not!

1.

Arake leaned back in his seat and signed sighed in boredom. He listened to his teacher, Sir Lorando talking about writing and presenting speeches.
Rather than saying he listened to his teacher, I feel you should be saying he hardly listened to his teacher or that he tried to listen to his teacher.

2.
Once, they meant to put too much spices in his sister's food, but instead it ended up in his father's. His father was in rage once he had his first bite.
This feels a little awkward because of the repetition of once so close together. I'd suggest replacing the second once with when.

3. I feel the professor should admonish him a little more or at least be tired/ frustrated. It feels like he doesn't have a very firm personality of his own and we're very focused on Arake, but if you give the professor a strong personality trait, that will add more interest to the scene overall.

4. I feel like Arake wouldn't be able to forget his birthday is he's such an important person. Surely he woke up to presents in his room, some kind of birthday breakfast. You've given the impression that he's the ruler's son and nobody that important would be able to forget their birthday because the servants would have spent weeks preparing and they wouldn't dare forget it.

5.
"Mother, Father!" Her high pitched voice screamed. Arake and Davey laughed to their hearts content.


6. The trick the boys play on Ariana is a bit too tame and dull. I feel like it needs to be something bigger, especially when you tell us they're always thinking of new tricks to play. The more you play tricks on someone, the better you get and the bigger ideas you have. If this has been going on for years then they should have something elaborate and clever - my sister and I used to do crazy things like we wrote a letter home from the school saying that the school meals were going to cost more and she copied the letter heading from an official letter, while I wrote the words and she faked the signature. It took us a long time to co-ordinate because we had to get the computer when our parents weren't around and then steal a stamp from our mum's purse and put it with the rest of the post really early in the morning. Try to put together something big like that - it will be much more fun.

7.
The dirt road was so packed with people that she kept knocking into them accidentally.
I'm going to leave the other spelling mistakes out for now, but you really need to read through this as there's one every couple of paragraphs and I noticed a tense change or two as well.

8. I think Davey needs to be punished for the prank as well and more severely than the prince. It's one thing for a prince to pull a prank on his sister, but for a servant to join in is scandalous. Davey should definitely be punished and shook either have a personality which is more timid or be someone who loves causing trouble. As a servant he should be telling the prince he can't help out with such pranks, oherwise he will get in trouble (unless he's really careless and confident).

Overall

This is interesting and I like the female character you have and her powers are well displayed without her being too powerful. I also like the character of Arake, though I think your side characters need some work. The king feels too much like a cardboard cut out and doesn't have enough substance behind him. I don't know if he's a cheerful man, a morose one, or grumpy. I also feel he shouldn't go to bed on his son's birthday without a stronger reason - is he ill? Old? The reader needs to see how tired he is in the earlier scene so we understand when he goes to bed and there needs to be more ceremony behind it. When the king retires, the guests should have to wish him goodnight first or at the very least be informed that he is retiring and then bow or something.

I think you've got some good ideas here, but you need to research the period a little more to make it feel realistic. At the moment, the servants don't act like servants and the royalty doesn't act like royalty. I'd also love to see some stronger descriptions of the room - are there tall pillars, marble floors, golden ornaments on hand carved pedestals? I don't know if the setting is a castle or a palace and that makes it hard for me to really imagine the scenes.

I hope that helps a little!

Heather xx

User avatar
MaryEvans
Review
MaryEvans wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2013

Here we go:

“signed in boredom” I think you got a typo: sighed.

“Davey was a young knight, two years older than he was, who helped guard at the palace. Both of them were rough boys who got into a lot of mischief.” Show, don’t tell. Kind of through things like the sister prank, just transit to it better. Also don’t use anecdotes that aren’t helping your story. The thing with the spices is too short and doesn’t really reveal anything.

“Arake had dazed off during his lesson in thoughts.” That’s kind of obvious by the fact he is thinking about other things like Playing with Davey and how boring the lecture is.

“Arake stared at him in disbelief and then he left the room” that’s…. kind of sudden. You know like Darth Vader telling Luke he is his father and then it cuts to Luke walking out the door.

You really need to work on the show don’t tell issue and judge what information is relevant and when. You don’t need to give every little detail and every single backstory right away, give hints and pieces, make them fit naturally in the greater narrative otherwise it reads like a list or a character sketch.

Read dialogue out loud, it’s not as natural and flowing at places. Also don’t put exposition in dialogue unless it is directly related to what is happening at the exact moment.
It’s his birthday? He is the crowned prince? That would kind of be a big event with celebrations and processions and stuff like that.

“She was going to use her combs but realized the combs were missing their teeth and she squealed in fright and ran out of the room.” Why is that scary? However, old she is that would make her rage rather than run away in fright.

Its ok and all, other than rigid language, you have your characters some of the relations etc, but the “chapter” seems more like a collage of different scenes and stories rather than a linear narrative with a plot. I can see you are trying to go for a mystery element, but you need better build up. I would work some more on the direction of the story and avoid as many breaks and pauses (the ***) as possible. Make things transition from one scene, or one character to another, don’t use *** unless you mean a lot of time has passed. It’s a really cheap way to transition and makes the writing seem choppy.



I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina