The furious will be unleashed, the masked will be unmasked, for those who are chosen will rise against the darkness that draws nigh
Till the end will they fight endlessly
Prologue
Andorra and her younger brother, Steven, knelt before their father, the king. Behind them, the audience stood, watching them anxiously to find out who would be chosen to be the next ruler of their kingdom.
Andorra glared at her brother who knelt confidently in front of everyone. He had excellent posture and such handsome features unlike herself. She was the non- beautiful member of the royal family and was unlikabe to the people of Zilda. Andorra clenched her fists. The worst part about her was people feared her. She was a witch. The only witch in the family to be exact. Her eyes turned away to stare at the bronze, glossy floor below her. She wanted to be selected to be ruler. She had to be for she was the eldest.
Andorra took a deep a breath and turned her attention back to her father. He greeted the congregation so slowly, Andorra shifted uncomfortably. He finally got to the point of this meeting.
"My wife and I have thought long and hard to decide whether Prince Steven or Princess Andorra will rule this kingdom next." Whispers spread through out the crowd.
"And we have decided..." Andorra's heart thumped wildly against her chest as she waited to hear the name.
"Prince Steven will be our next king." Andorra's breath caught in her throat. She... wasn't chosen. Tears welled in her eyes as the people clapped and cheered. Prince Steven stood up with a proud smile planted upon his face. Andorra, filled with dread, glared at him as the king touched his son's shoulder. The queen embraced him as the congregation cheered.
Tears streaked down Andorra's cheeks when her brother made his speech.
"I am gratefull to be chosen to be the next king. I will rule bravely and protect this kingdom with all my heart so no evil will ever dare conquer us. Believe and trust in me so this kingdom will live on for generations to come." He bowed and his people clapped.
While refreshments were served, Andorra watched from a dark corner as Steven greeted his guests warmly. She was so full of hatred and jealousy. How could she stay any longer if no one cared about her? Steven would be king and she'd be forgotten. Her eyes narrowed. No evil will conquer huh? She thought. We will see about that.
Secretly and catiously, Andorra left the grand room and made her way to her bedroom. There, she packed a sack full of clothes and other belongings. She would run away but may return. Once this kingdom was hers.
Dearest Steven,
Congratulations on becoming the next ruler even though I was supposed to be. I'm going away for a while but I'll always be watching you. You better hope your heart is strong enough to battle all evil that is thrown at your kingdom. Because I will be one of them.
Your beloved evil one,
Andorra
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
This sounds interesting. I actually had an idea once similar to this XD ironically. Your prologue is amazing: I love how you ended it with a threat from the sister. I am super excited to read and review your story
Hey there! Stef here for a review spree, as I will try and review all the chapters of 'The Prophecy' that you posted!
. Something seems very wrong in this sentence to me. She would run away but may return? the second part of the sentence needs some work.Nice prologue, you introduce the main characters and the main plot pretty nicely. I couldn't spot any major grammar issues or even small ones at that.
But I do have a couple of concerns: Why was Andorra so quick to turn 'evil'? It doesn't seem very normal. Also, why would someone call themselves evil? I never quite got that.
Also
Other than that, I can't spot anything else of note. Very good start to the story, off to read and review your other chapters! Happy review day!
Gosh Andorra's got some rage issues and she wonders why she's not liked. _' ' -- This sounds like it'll be a very interesting story and thank goodness I can read the rest. Nice prophecy at the top but is this "Shehadto", supposed to be like this?
Hello, love. Rosie here for a review.
Aside from the few grammatical and spelling errors, I enjoyed this piece. Although, I did feel that you could've done a lot more to help us feel connected to the character. Although I could imagine the scene, it was lacking in detail and description. Describe what the ceremony looked like, what outfits the people wore, and maybe include some of your character's thoughts. Work on showing instead of telling.
Also, the letter at the end was a little bit overdramatic...I don't think it was really necessary for her to tell Steven that she's evil. It'll have more impact if he's surprised by her evil deeds.
Overall, you've got a great start. Good luck with your future work.
Hi Sarah,
Well this was an interesting Prologue. It has a good beginning which can map out the rest of the story. I think Andorra is an interesting character and I wonder what she will try and do to disrupt and maybe even claim her brothers rule.
I think it was a bit dramatic her leaving the note behind. Why declare the rivalry? It seems a bit rash. Something more sly and clever for her to do would be to stay within the royal grounds and use her forgotten self as a cover. If evil things are happening to the city, why not pretend to defend and help the area while actually being undercover and evil? That could also put an interesting spin onto the story.
Another thing I would like to see more of in the prologue is detail. KittyCatMeow already mentioned this with the paragraph where you describe what Andorra is like. But don't forget to add in more detail everywhere. I wanted to be able to see Andorra's jealous thoughts as she watched her brother shake hands with each of the guests. She must of fought to be chosen, so maybe she already knows the majority of the people there? It would be interesting to see what she thinks of them?
And surely Andorra cannot just blame her brother for being chosen. Of course, it was her parents who actually chose him over her. So maybe there are some angry thoughts and plots of revenge directed towards them as well?
There's just a lot of questions to be asked here that could improve this prologue. It's be nice to see them in there. Keep writing though, and posting more chapters
Deanie x
I enjoyed reading this even with a grammar mistake or two. It also gives the reader a good idea of what will probably happen in the story. The summary is written all in the prologue (well, as a better description), so that is interesting.
I don't see the reason into suddenly announced you're evil. Most of the time, they don't see that fact that they're doing bad. In fact, they believe it's the right thing. A possibility could have been,
"Dearest Steven,
Congratulations on becoming the next ruler that I was supposed to be. I'm going away for a while but I'll always be watching you. My heart is overjoyed to know that you are the next ruler, and I hope to see you soon. Count on it.
Your beloved sister,
Andorra"
Then, it might seem as though Andorra is still Steven's older sister that is merely traveling in deep sorrow, but she still enjoys Steven as the role of king. It also doesn't explain why Andorra wants the kingdom to be hers. I can very well understand that most people want this kind of power and strength, but for what? Glory? Simply manpower? To build the biggest kingdom there could possibly be?
Why was Andorra a witch? That part didn't make much sense to me. Then why the only in the family? Was she trained? Was she born that way with a curse? Then what does she look like? A witch-like figure? You added that she was not as beautiful as Steven. Was it because she was a witch? Was she a nice witch? Was she cruel and blood-thirsty? Maybe that's why people feared her. Questions are left hanging.
That wraps up all I just wanted to say. It's a great story really, just needs a little improvement. You don't have to do anything, but you can take my words seriously if you want to.
Hallo!
I was going to review your first and second chapter of this, but decided to stop by and say a few things about this.
This is certainly interesting, and leaves very large potential for a really good novel. The main issue I have with this is the beginning. It doesn't seem to be very much of a hook to me. I would suggest cutting right up to the announcement of who is going to rule the kingdom, because that's something that will catch a reader's attention, as opposed to just people kneeling.
Another suggestion I have is to maybe add some more description. This is a kingdom, it's a ceremony sort of thing (I think), so there should be a lot to describe, a lot of things going on, stuff like that. Describing the scene around the character helps the reader connect with the story and imagine themselves as in the character's place.
Well, that's all I have to say about this. I shall see you in the next chapter!
-Wherethewindgoes
Hmm.... Well this is a generally good idea, siblings against each other and revenge. Except for I would like to point out I think the last part, the letter, is unneeded. She shouldn't warn him she would be against him. In my oppinion that is at least, but other then that I like how this story starts. Maybe add a little more detail but other than that it's relatively good. It kind of sets the reader up for what will happen. Plus it makes the reader feel bad for the 'evil' person in the story which is different. I would love to see how this story develops though. Good job.
Woah, I definitely want to find out what Andorra is up to! EEEKKK! Exciting.
I kind of feel sorry for Steven though because it wasn't his fault he was picked over Andorra for ruler but I suppose the rivalry between siblings has made the plot more interesting.
Well done. So looking forward to the next chapter.