The Prophecy ch. 10 (FINAL)

by sarahnsnow

Published September 28, 2013

E - Everyone

In The Chosen Ones Series

Danielle cautiously inspected Andorra as she closed her eyes and her mouth was moving. Red magic appeared swirling in her hands. It was then evolving, bursting into large amounts of magic. Andorra held it in one hand and her glare bore into Danielle's. Danielle felt herself backing away but stopped. No, do not run away. She told herself. Andorra drew her arm back and swiftly, she thrust her arm forward releasing the magic from her hand. The magic accelerated through the air toward Danielle. She stood there wondering whether to dodge it or block it with her own magic. Too late to stop with my own magic. She thought. She jumped in the air just as the magic hit the ground where she was. She looked down, and gasped at the ground in astonishment. The magic caused a large, deep ditch in the ground. Okay, that was dangerous. She thought.

"Come on Danielle!"Andorra tempted her. "Fight me!" Fine then. Danielle thought slyly. She thrashed her wings and collected speed as she flew toward Andorra. Then she felt gas gather in her throat as she readied to breathe fire.

More magic piled in Andorra's hand as the Black Dragon zoomed through the air in her direction. She saw a small flame begin to flare inside the dragon's throat and then she made her magic larger. In a flash, Danielle stopped in the air and raging, red and orange fire burst through her mouth. With Andorra's magic, she used her magic to block the flames from coating her entire body. Andorra looked away as she felt the flames outstanding heat burn her skin. No! Andorra screamed inside her mind. She opened her eyes and forced more magic to come out and block the fire. Finally, they disappeared and Andorra lifted her hands to her face.

They were black and they tingled with pain from what the fire did to her. She cast a evil glance at Danielle and gathered more magic even though the pain rampaged through her hands. The magic slammed into Danielle's enormous body making her fly backwards into a rigid rock form. Danielle cried out as her body hurled into it making parts of it brake apart and fly around her.

"Danielle!" She heard Samuel exclaim. Her magic is so powerful. Danielle thought. I really need mine right now. She looked up to see another ball of magic approaching her with as much speed as last time. I need my magic now! A painful feeling ripped through her body as the magic hit her once again. The rock structure was completely destroyed and Danielle laid there exhausted. This witch should not be able to defeat me. Not after what she did to my father. She thought.

"Please,"she begged. She didn't know who she was begging to but maybe she was asking the white haired woman to help her. Her body was screaming in pain calling to her it needed to be healed right away.

"Danielle." Herman was standing near her. She looked at him and noticed there was something different about him. She didn't know what but it was his eyes. She thought she could see some sort of light in them.

"Just ask her," he said. "That is what I did and I gained my powers right away." Danielle looked at him. Alright. She thought. Her body strained as she stood up but she ignored it. Behind her, Andorra's magic came at her again. But Danielle opened her mouth and green magic devoured it entirely.

There was a large explosion when both magic clashed in mid air. Samuel's body jerked backwards as a powerful force was released from the magic. He leaned forward and put his arms in front of his face to keep his body from falling over

Steven was lying on the ground with his hand still around his cut. The burning was so severe he felt like his body was being eaten away by the heat. He worried that if he moved, the pain would become too hard to handle.

"King Steven, are you alright?"He weakly looked at Samuel who was perching over him beside Seth. He did not reply but watched the Black Dragon with worry. Seth knelt beside him and removed his slightly burnt hand from his wound. It wasn't a very big cut but very small. There was blood, but it remained on his skin, cooked from the flames of the sword.

****

Andorra grimaced as she made the magic appear in her right hand. She finally discovered her powers. She thought. She eyed the dragon as it bounded into the air. Andorra threw the flaring magic in her direction. Danielle swiftly moved out of the way and advanced toward her. Green magic appeared in her mouth. When she maneuvered closer, it burst from her mouth but Andorra disappeared leaving her to crash into the ground.

Danielle stood up catching a glimpse of her father being taken care of. She also saw Alec come over to them and smiled. Her father was going to be alright. Alec was wonderfully talented with being a doctor. Samuel's smiling face flashed in her mind. Then she shook her head. No, don't think... Red magic rammed into her and she sank into the ground shaking in pain. I wish I knew spells to make my magic stronger like Andorra. She thought. Another ball of magic crashed into her making her fly backward.

Danielle struggled to get up as she felt her body tingle.

"You never give up!"Andorra yelled and threw more powerful magic at her. I cannot lose... Danielle flapped her wings and flew into the air.

"Chosen One!"She sharply turned her gaze to the old Black Dragon. He hovering in front of her.

"You are stronger than this! Defeat her with Mystra's power!"The dragon flew away.

"Mystra's power?"She asked herself. Andorra's magic hit her and this time she fell to the ground. The magic corrupted her ability to fly.

"Die!"Andorra's enraged voiced echoed through everyone's ears. More power.Andorra thought. She used both her hands to carry her magic and felt more power surge through her body. This is it. I will take my revenge on Steven's daughter.

***

The battlefield was full of burnt and slain bodies. The army of Black Dragons were landing now that they were finished with their fight. Judas turned his gaze away and looked at Steven.

"Is he alright?"

"Yes," Seth replied. Alec was lightly pressing a wet, damp cloth against the King's stinging wound. Judas worriedly watched as the cloth touched the red skin, creating a small sizzling sound.

"Judas!" Storm's voice filled his ears and he turned around to see him, Zacharias and Shannon racing toward him. They stopped beside him and stared at Steven's wound then looked at Danielle and Andorra battling each other.

"It is not going well with her, is it?"Shannon asked Judas. He shook his head. He looked at Zacharias who was scratching his head with a bewildered expression on his face.

"Do you know where the Black Dragons came from?" Judas watched Danielle stand back up on her four feet.

"No I do not,"he replied. Danielle, you had something to do with this didn't you? He thought. His eyes shifted to Andorra. He wanted to save her. Save her from the evil in her heart.

****

Danielle stared at Andorra, horrified. In her hands raging magic developed into more furious swirls. It looked more powerful. More powerful than her regular magic. Her eyes were darker, blending into the magic's color as it grew larger and larger like the hatred in her heart. Even though I know I lost, at least there is someone for me to unleash my revenge on. Andorra thought. Yes, more power. I want my hatred to be known. Once Andorra finished filling her hands with powerful magic, she prepared to thrust it at Danielle.

Danielle backed away and wondered what to do. "Defeat her with Mystra's power!"

The red magic was dashing through the air with ultimate speed. I have to block it with something! Mystra, please help me! She closed her eyes. She didn't know what she was expecting. She opened her eyes . Nothing happened. The magic was so close now. Danielle shut her eyes again and waited for pain. Pain that would surely bring death. But she felt none. She opened her eyes to perceive an image of a wall of silver fire protecting her from the magic.

***

"What kind of fire is that?" Zacharias exclaimed. No one answered for they never knew of such kind. Andorra's magic was completely consumed by the fire destroying it in less than five seconds. Judas's heart was suddenly stricken with worry. That fire destroyed Andorra's most powerful magic.

"Danielle,"he heard Samuel say.

"Father, did you know Danielle had magic?" he asked. Seth looked at him.

"I certainly did not," he replied.

"She must be a witch too,"Steven said. He was still lying on the ground covering his burning cut. "Like Andorra." They all watched as the silver fire vanished. What if Danielle uses this fire against Andorra? Judas thought. Andorra and her magic with not be able to defend it. Judas looked down. He did not want to watch his childhood friend whom he loved die. Nor did he not want Danielle to die either. There was something in his heart warning him he needed to be with Andorra.

***

Andorra relaxed on her bed and gazed endlessly outside her window. She lifted her left hand in front of her face and red magic was released from her palm. She thought it looked very beautiful as it trickled down through the air. She was just reading in the library about magic. It lives inside those who are born with it. Though it was beautiful, it could cause much destruction.

"Andorra!" She quickly put her hand down and saw Judas standing on the window sill. He looked older, more handsome as well. Andorra sat up in her bed and glared at him.

"What are you doing here! And how did you get up here?" She demanded. Judas sat down on the window sill and smiled.

"I climbed the tree. And it has been a long time since I've come." Andorra's eyes turned harder.

"If my father finds you in this room..." Judas put a finger to her lips and then beneath her chin.

"You grew up too." Andorra slapped his hand away. Does he not notice how ugly I am? She wondered.

"Steven and I don't have time to play right now. The coronation is in two years! And we have to be ready by then!" Judas's smile vanished.

"You have time, do not worry," he replied cheerfully.

"You do not understand!"Andorra screamed in his face. Judas sat there as if she slapped him. Her eyes bore into his telling him that she was very serious.

"Fine!" Judas replied. Andorra watched him stand on his feet and jump out the window. He swung on a branch and then began climbing down the tree. Andorra's eyes followed him sadly until he vanished from her sight.

***

"My magic failed!" Andorra exclaimed fearfully. She gathered more in her hands and thrust it harder. She gasped as she realized she was growing exhausted causing her to become weaker with magic. The magic she threw only made it halfway toward Danielle and then it disappeared. No! She began throwing more magic but none of it reached the Black Dragon. It would be a long time until she could use her magic again.

Andorra's arms grew weaker and weaker as the magic stopped coming from her palms. She hunched over gasping for breath. I couldn't do it. I couldn't change the prophecy, I couldn't even become queen. She thought. She put her hands in front of her face. Wh- why couldn't someone have loved me. Why did I have to be ugly? She looked at Danielle. Her vision was becoming blurry as tears filled her eyes.

"I want to die!"She exclaimed.

***

Danielle watched Andorra lean forward in exhaustion. Now is my chance. She thought. The silver fire appeared in her mouth. Incredible. She thought. I should have used this power earlier. It gushed from her mouth and zoomed through the air.

Andorra focused on the blazing silver flames that would soon destroy her completely.

"Andorra!" She looked in shock as Judas ran toward her. Why does he look so concerned. She thought. He hugged her like last time surprising her even more.

"Do not leave me," he whispered.

"I love you." Andorra pulled back gazing at him with tears running down her cheeks. Judas pulled her against him again.

"You will die as well,"Andorra said weakly as she rested her cheek against his chest. Beyond them, the silver fires moved closer.

"I do not care." Judas put his finger beneath her chin. "I have loved you all this time." Andorra's green eyes looked into his.

"You know, I have been yearning to tell you that your eyes are most beautiful." Andorra just gazed at him until the silver fire overlapped them destroying their very existence.

I-I did it. Danielle thought as she watched the silver fire disappear in thin air. Nothing remained but an empty space.

"That reckless moron!" Zacahrias exclaimed digging his sword into the dirt. Shannon put a hand on his shoulder. She was crying.

"He wanted this to happen." Zacharias stared at her speechless and Alec nodded in his direction. He wanted to be with Andorra. Alec thought. He stifled the cries that he wished to unleash. They were such good friends and Judas was an excellent leader to them. He was the second of their gang to die. Say hello to Bracken for us, Judas. And tell him he was forgiven. Alec looked at Herman who was standing behind them. His face was expressionless and something changed. Alec couldn't figure out what it was.

Steven lifted himself from the ground and managed to stand on both of his feet. Danielle was walking toward them with relief shining in her eyes. She stopped in front of Steven and bent her head down to him.

"We did it father," she told him. Steven just stared at her and touched her nose.

"You gave up your body for this world and your kingdom," he said. Danielle closed her eyes as she felt his hand rub against her scales.

"I-I'ts alright." She opened her eyes to see him crying.

"For the first time in my life, I have never been this scared." Danielle's heart ached.

"Everything is alright now." She nudged him with her nose. Then she lifted her head and looked at everyone.

"Where is Judas?"

"He was destroyed along with Andorra," Seth told her. Danielle gasped. She destroyed Judas too?

"But it's okay. He is happy now," Alec said and stood beside Samuel and Seth. Danielle stared at him with no idea what he was talking about.

"Danielle, why didn't you tell us you had magic?" Samuel asked walking up to her. Danielle laughed.

"Well, because I didn't know. Andorra told me after we encountered her at the Necropolis." She looked Samuel in the eyes. "Are you surprised?" She asked playfully. Samuel turned his head and didn't answer. Everything is going to be back to normal.She thought. Except for me.

"Chosen One." She turned around to see the Black Dragons standing in front of them.

"We will leave you now,"the old dragon said. "The first part of the prophecy has come to past."

"What about the rest?"

"That is in the future," the dragon replied. In the future. Danielle repeated in her mind. They watched in awe as the dragons took off into the sky and began to fly away.

"I still cannot believe this," Seth said.

The Black Dragon disappeared into the distance and the gray clouds were moving away leaving light to shine down on them and the whole world. Danielle's heart was full of joy and relief that the war was over. Then she had a strange feeling reacting throughout her body. Red magic appeared and started to swarm her large body.

"Danielle! What is happening!" exclaimed her father. The red magic grew thicker hiding her appearance from everyone. And then the same pain she felt before occurred when Andorra transformed her into this body. Danielle closed her eyes. Maybe she was changing back! After a few seconds, she opened her eyes to see her own hands shining before her eyes. And then she looked down and saw she was wearing her white ball gown. My body. I thought Andorra said... Danielle's eyes hardened. That sneaky witch. Andorra deceived her into thinking that if she was destroyed then Danielle could never be turned back .

Danielle's body was completely back to normal when the red magic disappeared revealing her true self.

"Danielle!"exclaimed Steven and he wrapped his arms around her. Danielle smiled as she felt her father's warmth once again. She missed her father's hugs very much. He released her and gazed into her eyes. They're So green and beautiful. He thought and they looked back at him glimmering in the sunlight. Danielle turned to Seth who held out his hand. She took it and he overlapped her hand with his other. He nodded and she smiled even bigger. Everything is going to be perfect. She thought. Samuel was watching her with an expressionless face. Once his eyes met her's, he turned away. Danielle smirked.

"Samuel,"she said. He gasped when she practically jumped on him squeezing him in her arms and hugged him close. Samuel hesitated before resting his hands on her back. Danielle lifted her head and smiled at him.

"You smell," she said. Samuel softly pushed her away as she giggled happily causing him to blush. Steven took her hand.

"We should return home," he told everyone.

"Well." Shannon, Zacharias and Storm stepped forward and bowed.

"We shall go our separate ways,"she said.

"Alec, you coming?"

"Actually, I think I may go to Zilda with them," he replied. "I want to start a new life." Shannon laid a hand on his shoulder with watery eyes.

"I understand."

Once they said their goodbyes, Zacharias, Shannon, and Storm begat their new unknown journey and everyone else traveled home with the knights who survived the great war.

***

Black dragons lunged at the wyverns furiously biting at them killing them instantly. Cynric was watching the scene from behind a wagon with his knights cowering behind him. An hour ago they were battling these creatures when the dragons came out of no where surprising every single person in the kingdom. They watched as the Black Dragons carried the creatures away the village. Cynric stood up and so did the rest of the knights.

"Let's return to the castle," he told them. Once they returned, Queen Maralyn also said she saw the Black Dragons destroy the Wyverns and carry them off.

"I do not know what was going on, but somehow I feel grateful to them. You may rest now," she was saying. Cynric nodded in her direction and returned to the knight's dorms.

***

Danielle felt a hot sensation on her cheeks and opened her eyes to see a bright light shining in front of her eyes. She found herself laying in her soft bed with blankets pulled over her shoulders. First, she remembered laying on hard, forest ground and drifted into a deep sleep while they were traveling back to her kingdom. How long was I asleep for? She thought. She sat up. I'm home. I'm home! She repeated in her mind and excitedly jumped out of bed. She glanced around studying every furniture, pillar and curtains. She wanted to make sure this was all real.

"Danielle?" A voice startled her. She looked toward her bedroom door and saw Ella.

"Ella!" She cried and ran to her. Ella chuckled as she embraced her tightly. Too tight.

"Okay, Danielle let me go now before I suffocate!" Danielle immediately

"Wait!" Danielle exclaimed. "How long was I asleep?"

"Two days," Ella replied and shut the door. Two Days?! Danielle thought as she snatched dresses from out of her wardrobe. What if Ella and Samuel are already married! Danielle dropped the dress she was holding. I cannot allow that to happen!

Danielle sped down the hall toward the dining hall but stopped when she almost bumped into the Samuel. He was wearing a white uniform and his hair was combed all nice making his face even more handsome.

"Sorry!" She said.

"It's alright. How did you sleep?"

"Very nicely," Danielle replied. They stood looking at each other awkwardly until Samuel turned and opened the door. He held it open for her and she walked in with him following.

"Danielle," Steven said walking to her with his arm stretched out. He carefully grabbed her arm and led her to a chair across from her mother and next to Adrian. Danielle sat down and hungrily gazed at the food that was placed in front of her. She took a bite and started chewing but stopped when Steven addressed everyone who sat at the table.

"When this day has passed, My daughter Princess Ella and Prince Samuel of Zelda will be wedded at dawn," he declared. King Seth began to clap smiling at Samuel who was staring at his food with a flushed face. Danielle watched him as he tried to smile at everyone. Then she stuck more food in her mouth when the applause stopped.

"Samuel, I cannot wait until you have children!" His sister Sillia exclaimed and hugged him. Danielle wanted to laugh as she watched him trying to pull away. But then she frowned and looked at her food. Why do I feel this way? She wondered. He loves Ella.She reminded herself.

Once breakfast was over Danielle wandered through the halls and came to the garden. She never visited the garden very much but Ella did. This was where she would find Ella most of the time. Danielle strolled along the path gazing at all the flowers. There were yellow, pink, purple and many other colored flowers giving off a wonderful radiance. Danielle stopped by a bush with white roses and bent to sniff one. She closed her eyes as a fragrance smell filled her nostrils. She sniffed it again.

"It smells so good!" she exclaimsed and sniffed it many times more. But she stopped when the bush rustled. She kneeled on the brick path carefully as she tried not the get her skirts dirty. Ella will get mad at me if this dress is ripped or covered with dirt. Danielle slowly parted the stems looking for what caused the bush to move. There was a tail lying on the soil in between two thorny stems and she grabbed it. She heard a shriek as she pulled it.

"Huh!" She held the animal in front of her face. It was a brown squirrel who was holding an acorn with his little paws. They blinked at each other until Danielle knew who it was.

"Mue!" She cried. The squirrel looked at her for a second before he also recognised her voice.

"Danielle? It is you!" He exclaimed. Danielle set him upright and hugged him pressing him against her cheek.

"I thought you were gone forever!" Danielle put Mue on the ground.

"You are not a dragon anymore!" Mue said. Danielle shook her head.

"Everything is back to normal now." Her heart was overrun by joy. She took him in her hands again and hugged him.

"I am so happy to see you again!" She cried. She put him down again.

"You will stay with me right?" She asked him. Mue lowered his acorn. Danielle stopped smiling.

"You want to go back to the forest?" She asked sadly.

"Y-yes," he replied twisting the acorn with his paws. "But I will come visit!" Danielle wiped a tear from her cheek. Mue did belong out in the wild. She thought. He is a wild animal.

"Alright... but make sure you do visit!" She said. Mue nodded and pulled the acorn tighter against his chest.

"I will see you later, Danielle!" He bounded away and climbed the fence that surrounded the garden. Danielle watched him disappear over the wall.

***

Danielle held the white rose in her right hand as she gazed into the sparkling pond. She watched the golden fish swim their way through the waters as she stood on two stones. Her eyes shifted upward to see the white clouds move calmly across the blue sky.

"Danielle," Samuel's voice appeared behind her. "Ella told me to come get you. Your mother needs you so she can pick-." Danielle turned around too fast and found herself falling backwards into the water. Samuel reacted by trying to pull her back up , but she pulled him in with her. There was a huge splash and cold water flew everywhere. Samuel was soaking wet as he laid next to Danielle in the freezing cold water. He groaned when Danielle laughed.

"It is not funny!" He exclaimed sitting up. Danielle sat up too. Suddenly she blushed when she noticed his hand was still connected to hers. She thought it felt nice. Samuel finally noticed and pulled his hand away. His face was red as well. Danielle laughed.

"I never knew you were so fun to be around!" Samuel stood up and walked out of the pond. Danielle searched the water looking for the white rose. She picked it up but it's petals drooped.

"Here." Samuel held a white rose in front of her. Danielle smiled and took it. Then she took Samuel's hand and he helped her to stand.

"Thank you."

"Y-your welcome."

That night, Danielle left the dinner table early to gather her thoughts together. She entered the garden where the moon shone brightly down on the whole world. It was becoming a habit of coming to the garden. It was place where she could think and where there was no disturbance. She sat on a cool bench and gazed up at the moon. Samuel would marry Ella tomorrow. I should tell Samuel... She shook her head. No! But.... I'll find someone else....

But I will regret it. Danielle stood up pressing her arms to each side of her body. Alright. She walked back into the castle and into the ballroom. She saw Samuel and Ella picking up food from one of the dessert table and marched over to him.

"Samuel," she said. He and Ella looked at her curiously.

"Um, I want to speak to you." Samuel handed his plate to Ella and left with her.

"What is it Danielle?" he asked when they stopped in the garden.

"Uh, well, um, I have something I want you to know." She sat on the bench. What will he think? Samuel sat beside her with even more curiousity growing inside of him.

"I think I'm... uh..." Samuel watched her as her eyes were turned toward the ground.

"In love with you." She closed her eyes tightly. She really was. She couldn't deny it any longer. Over the journey her feelings were becoming stronger making her love become stronger. She opened her eyes to find him staring at her in shock.

"Y-you love me?" he asked. Danielle nodded. Samuel's looked down. Thoughts poured through his mind.

"Do you love me Samuel? Or maybe even like me?" she asked him. Samuel ran his fingers through his hair.

"Yes," he replied. Danielle felt her face warm up.

"I like you." Danielle smiled.

"What about Ella?" She asked him.

"I... don't know." Danielle grabbed his shirt and pressed her lips to his. She never kissed anyone before. Her heart was thumping wildly when she kissed him and as she pulled back, she felt like her heart was going to burst as she stared into his eyes. She let go of his shirt and turned away.

"Danielle," he said. She looked at him. He suddenly wrapped his arm around her shoulders and leaned her against his side.

She took her right arm and wrapped it around his waist and her left arm overlapped his chest clinging to his shoulder. So is this true love? Danielle asked herself.She couldn't help but smile and bury her face in his shoulder. Then she looked looked up at the glowing moon that shined only for her. She would remember this moment always.

"I really do love you Samuel," she said softly.

"I know," he replied.

The prophecy will be fulfilled in the future. Danielle thought as she watched the stars twinkle. What kind of world will it be by then?

****

A mysterious figure stepped out onto the field of slain and dead. He was studying the ground as if he was searching for someone. Or something. He walked through the dead bodies and came to a sword that was slightly buried beneath the dirt. With a gloved hand, he picked up the sword by the hilt. He held it in front of his face, staring at it was eyes full of hatred. Andorra, I will avenge you no matter what. You saved me from my past. I will continue what you desire.

It is not over yet. He thought.

TO BE CONTINUED

Comments & reviews · 3

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hey Sarah!

So is the end of the book? Is this basically the ending and a connecting bit to a sequel? I feel like it should be! Well, it was great to read your story all the way from beginning to end, I must say I enjoyed it. I'm interested to see how the love things will work out. Because although we know Danielle and Samuel love each other, he is to be wedded soon to Ella. I can see some drama starting here? Also, the cliffhanger ending is great. I think it's revolved around the man who Andorra was always talking to. I wonder what he will be like...

Judas's death was sad, but he was with the one he loved. Maybe you should put more emotion into the characters feelings after his best friend dies. I can see them all crying but again, it would be nice if you explained how it seemed like the clouds darkened a little bit on purpose or something. It doesn't have to be something to do with the atmosphere, but that was an example.

As for the spelling, here it was perfect! It just improved and improved as the chapters got further along. Please do post on my wall or something if you put up any more chapters of The Prophecy... But I think this is the end. Maybe just message me if you choose to post the sequel?

My pleasure to read this novel this review day! Deanie x

Thanks for you review! I am writing a sequel so yeah. :) I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

User avatar
umaima
Review
umaima wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Wow, this was one big chapter!

Hey, Umaima here to review your amazing and enormously big chapter which after reading I thought, "Hey is she/he a published writer or something?" Because this was just so awesome.

Now below my review, dark has already spotted out many mistakes so I am going to do this review in the 'how-I-felt-about-your-story' way

Starting from the book's name, wow... I mean really. Trust me, I opened this chapter just because I say the title and was like it seems interesting! Titles are really, like really difficult to decide so Well done!

Then comes the fantasy part which is so cool too. I love it when there's magic in books so definitely loved the piece!

There weren't any problems with you punctuation and grammar as far as I could spot but yes, sometimes the 'thoughts' Danielle was having weren't that fun to read.

Like for example:

""Come on Danielle!"Andorra tempted her. "Fight me!" Fine then. Danielle thought slyly."

In this line if it would have been "Oh, bring it on!" or something more enthusiastic it would have looked much much better. These type of comments in a story makes the reader enjoy while reading. Even in movies when there's an action scene people tend to make irrelevant or funny or cocky comments which makes us woot and say "Wow, they are so awesome" So yeah that's what I thought was missing, ther than that this piece was really really really good.

Not that I think I need to tell you but keep up the good work! All the best for your next chapters!

Umaima

User avatar
DreamWork
Review
DreamWork wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hi sarahnsnow,Dark here to give review on your story.

I have no problem with your story, because it is your own writing styles and I absolutely like the originality of your story.I just want to emphasize a little about the use of the word /diction that may be less appropriate.

Danielle cautiously inspected Andorra as she closed her eyes and her mouth was moving.*


* her mouth was moving-->'moving'? You can use other word to describe this.

Andorra held it in one hand and her glare bore into Danielle's. Danielle felt herself backing away but stopped. No, do not run away. She told herself. Andorra drew her arm back and swiftly, she thrust her arm forward releasing the magic from her hand.


I love the details you have in your story.It helps the reader to understand and portray the situation more easily .

"Y-you love me?" he asked. Danielle nodded. Samuel's looked down. Thoughts poured through his mind.

"Do you love me Samuel? Or maybe even like me?" she asked him. Samuel ran his fingers through his hair.


You forgot to capitalize the first letter after the conversation;'...me?" he asked'
And the way they speak seem quite stiff. I do not feel the feelings even though they were talking about love!

A mysterious figure stepped out onto the field of slain and dead. He was studying the ground as if he was searching for someone. Or something. He walked through the dead bodies and came to a sword that was slightly buried beneath the dirt. With a gloved hand, he picked up the sword by the hilt. He held it in front of his face, staring at it was eyes full of hatred.

I like this part!A crime that give rise to a new questions.Good job,keep it up! :)
Kudos,cheers
~Dark



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