A young girl ran through the streets of the village that was covered with heavy fog and her dirt platted cloak flowed out from behind her, her hood covering her face and hair. Her village's population was small because it seemed deserted and no one was to be seen. The girl ran speedily without stopping to take a breath as a big, muscled man chased after her, screaming and telling her to stop or else she'd be killed. She held a loaf of bread in her hand and immediately hid behind a building where she waited for the man to pass by. When he disappeared, she got up and continued to run.
The girl reached a rusty, old house in which boards were coming apart from the wall and the roof had at least three holes in it. The girl stood before the door and fixed her hood so that her face wasn’t so hidden but her hair was. She walked in seeing an old, skinny woman by a fireplace cooking a soup. Startled, the woman looked at the girl standing in the doorway.
"Silvie!" She exclaimed harshly as she went over to the girl. She bent her head down so her face was inches from hers.
"Where have you been?! I expected you to be here an hour ago!" The girl held a firm expression on her face as she stared at the lady’s wrinkly, dirty old face. The lady’s gray eyes bore into hers.
"It was very foggy out there ma'am," she replied. The lady scowled and snatched the bread out of the girl's hands.
"Honestly," she muttered. Silvernist watched her guardian dump the bread carelessly into the soup. She just stood there watching her guardian stir the soup until a chuckle came from a room nearby and she looked to where she saw her two "friends" walk in. Emma had short, tangled black hair, brown eyes and Stella had long blonde curly hair and blue eyes.
"It seems Sil-ver-nist got in trouble again," Emma sneered as they came closer to her. Silvernist shrieked when she pulled her hood down forcefully. She hated when people did that for a peek at her hair.
"Silly hair, isn't it Stella," Emma said wiping a piece of hair from her face. “It’s so… out of this world! So ugly.” Silvernist watched them walk around her and she clenched her fists with anger boiling inside of her.
“You kind of girl don’t belong here,” Stella said. “You’re poor grandmother must have been so happy to leave this world so she could be away from you. She must have been so ashamed to have you around her all the time…”
"Stop it!" She cried and slapped Stella’s cheek so hard it became red. Everyone stood still in awkward silence as Silvernist glared at them. Suddenly Silvernist ran out of the home. She wished she had never heard the laughs of those girls or have seen their beautiful, smirking faces. This village was full of selfish, poor people. Her guardian, Louisa, forced her to steal food from others which she had been doing earlier. It felt so wrong that she wanted to die. But Louisa had threatened to kick her out from their home if she did not.
Silvernist wiped a tear from her cheek. She grew to hate her hair and her eyes which brought her much pain and loneliness. Why couldn’t she have been normal?
She ran out of the foggy village until she came upon the dark forests and stopped to look over her shoulder. The village lingered there, dark and mysterious and abandoned. Only for about three seconds, she stared at it through tears and then turned away from it and entered the dark woods. Although all around her were dark trees that gave off an eerie aura, she didn’t notice. She was running away from the village. She had no idea where, but she only wanted to be far away from the village where she would never see Emma or Stella or Louisa ever again.
As Silvernist walked through the trees, Stella’s and Emma’s smirking faces appeared in her mind again. She felt she wanted to take them and get them all dirty so they weren’t pretty anymore. She was still angry about what they were saying about her dead grandmother. Silvernist stopped next to a tree and hit the trunk as hard as she could. She flinched and rubbed her hand. Tears dripped from her eyes and landed on her palm. Her heart ached. Her grandmother did love her. While she lay on her deathbed, she told her so. Her grandmother’s smiling face appeared in her mind as she looked weak and pale.
“I love you Silvie…. I want you to know that… and I forever will…” Silvernist knelt next to the bed with tears slipping down her cheeks. The next moment, her grandmother’s eyes closed and the breath disappeared from her body. After that, Silvernist was taken in by Louisa and lived with her for two years.
Silvernist sat down on the ground against the tree and hugged her knees to her chest while burying her face in her arms. She cried harder. Until all the tears ran dry and she leaned her head back against the trunk. She was calming down a bit but her heart still hurt and she was beginning to get a headache. She was hungry as well for her stomach was making noises. She hugged it.
“I need food. I’m so stupid…” she said to herself and looked around. It was growing darker every minute. She left the village without even thinking about food and where she would go. The stars had already started to appear and the sky was now black. She sighed and lay on the ground where there was dirt and loose leaves that fell from the trees. While watching the stars, the air became chilly and she hugged herself. Then she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to carry her away from the world.
***
Morning came and Silvernist woke up. She stayed on the ground for a few minutes, remembering why she was in the forest. She sat up and looked around. The sun hadn’t come all the way up and the birds were just beginning to chirp. Like a sloth moving on a branch, Silvernist stood up and dusted off her ragged dress. Then she began walking through the woods, weaving through the trees and stepping over logs. The air was still cold, but once the sun came up, it would get warmer. She looked up at the sky. It seemed clear of the fog so she could tell she was getting farther from the village. Good. Although I have no idea where I’m going. Well… as long as it’s far away from this place… She thought.
After walking for two straight hours with a growling stomach, she rested on a log and looked around. She hoped she could hunt something for food or some creek would appear so she could have something to drink. Her throat was parched and swallowing was not helping it.
“It really isn’t a smart idea to wander out here without food or water…” She said and stood up and began walking once again. She noticed the sky was becoming cloudier and the air was all of the sudden more hard to breathe in. Wind also began to pick up almost blowing her hood down but she caught and held it as the wind became more fierce. Suddenly, she began to receive dreadful feelings. These feeling she could only describe as evil. Evil. Silvernist shook her head. It was probably nothing. Only a storm approaching.
Silvernist continued walking and saw that more bushes and trees were growing in that part of the forest. She stopped before a large group of trees that had grown so close together almost making a wall with their leaves. Silvernist walked toward them and spread some of the branches apart so she could see through them. She gasped. She was standing on top of a rocky cliff that stood tall above a dark, deep valley. In the middle of the valley was built a bone-like castle with pointed towers and other mini castles connected to it. There were also tall, skinny tower like mountains with smoke leaking out from the top of them and a large gate that surrounded the castle. Silvernist continued to look on in amazement and also fear. A feeling of hatred and evil enveloped her but she became very curious that she wanted to check it out and see who lived there. Before she started to climb down the cliff, she remembered reading something out of a book that described a bone-like castle and a sky that was always dark like this. It’s a… necropolis. She thought. Then she realized where she remembered it. It was a history book she always loved when she was younger and her grandmother would always read it to her. It was about the Princess named Danielle and her battle against Andorra. This place… was where Andorra had dwelled over a hundred years ago… As described in the book this is where she built her army and lived. Silvernist’s heart thumped wildly as she slowly climbed down to small cliffs one by one. She couldn’t believe she found the Necropolis. It was even more evil looking and majestic than described in the book.
Silvernist kept glancing at it multiple times as she landed on each cliff and was getting closer to the bottom. Once she did, she landed on the dark, dirt covered ground and turned around to face the necropolis which was a couple of miles away. She stared at it in amazement but also in fright. It was a kingdom surely built by evil and she wondered anyone still dwelled in it. If anyone did, maybe there was food and water that she could ask for. Silvernist breathed in and out. There was only one way to find out; besides, where else could she go? She began walking towards it and a great cold wind blew past, giving her chills that crept up her spine. Hugging her self, Silvernist kept her eyes on the mysterious necropolis that seemed to be waiting for her arrival.
***
Over a hundred years had passed since the death of Andorra and the rise of revenge to enter into the heart of the man who was always in the shadows. A very long time ago, she had found him alone, in the forest and took him in. What did she receive after that? Death. And he wasn't going to sit there and let his enemies live.
Aviel was a wizard; hundreds of years old but looked younger, short, with a handsome face but a crooked nose and long, red hair. He also had a very short temper.
"I will get those... those enemies once and for all!" Aviel exclaimed as he entered a chamber where Andorra once studied spell books and practiced her magic. Ever since her death, Aviel had been training as well training and growing stronger and stronger until the right time came when he would attack the Kingdom of Zilda. And once he succeeded and gained even more power, he would attack all the kingdoms that were left in the world.
In the middle of the chamber stood a long, wooden table covered in heavy, dusted books and along the stone wall, were countless shelves that carried millions of books. Aviel stared at them and said,
"Now, to find something that will make me to most powerful being in the world…" He walked over to the book shelves and lifted his arm to the top shelf. Every book that was in the chamber was written by magical beings. Aviel scanned the books with his finger and was meaning to grab a spell book but instead was holding a book that said,
POWERFUL THINGS
Aviel just barely glanced at the cover and then began to anxiously turn the pages until he came across one section that read:
THE BLACK OPAL
"Hm."Aviel read it carefully.
The only Black Opal in this world is very powerful. When it is in the hands of a wizard, witch, or sorcerer.... they gain power from this opal. Though this opal is kept in the Volcano Of Synra, guarded by the Silver Dragon, the silver dragon will only hand it over to a Silver Witch.
“This could be useful,” he said to himself. But then he read over the part that mentioned the Silver Witch.
"A silver witch," Aviel muttered. “I never heard of one before. What is it?" He asked himself and grabbed another book called WITCHES.Silver witch, silver witch...It repeated in his mind as he scanned each page.
A Silver Witch is one of the most powerful beings in the world. They have the shiniest silver eyes and silver hair. When they are twelve winters, they start to discover their identity.
"So where can I find one?" Aviel got to the next paragraph.
Silver witches are not found. They show themselves for a purpose but they don't know what purpose that is. Silver witches are also the only ones who can retrieve a black opal from the Volcano of Synra.
Aviel read the section over twice. He would need another book for more information on this and the Volcano of Synra.
"I need a Silver witch! I need that black opal!" He exclaimed but suddenly a knock sounded on the door.
"Yes?" he asked becoming annoyed.
"Your maid sire," the voice answered. Aviel faced the door. That did not sound like his regular maid. The voice was younger and sweet.
"Come in," Aviel answered. He watched suspiciously as the door opened and a small child walked in. He couldn't see her face at all for a black cloak hid her features. Her feet were also barely covered, revealing her toes.
"A new maid? Give me your name."
"Uh--- Silvernist sire," was her reply.Strange name, Aviel thought.
“What are you doing here?” He asked her.
“I… well I was traveling and found this place. I was wondering if there may be food or water here…” Aviel watched her.
"Remove your cloak," he ordered. There was a long pause.
“I wish not to sire—“ the girl replied but Aviel cut her off.
"Just do it!" His echo bounced off the walls. Aviel watched anxiously as the strange girl reached for her cloak.
As Silvernist removed her cloak, she stepped in the light. Aviel’s face turned confused. He couldn’t believe if it was his imagination or if it was real. Silvernist was wearing a brown tattered dress that only reached her knees and her hair and eyes were pure silver; shining brightly in the light. Her skin was also pale and her face was young but radiant.
Aviel was speechless. When he said he needed a silver witch, he didn’t expect to find one this fast.
“Come closer,” Aviel said. Silvernist’s eyes peered into his own as she came closer. She shivered when he touched her cheek.
“Do you know why you are here?” he asked. The girl's right eyebrow lifted. She shook her head cautiously. Aviel put his hand against her back and led her out of the chamber.
“I have a very important task for you, but first I’ll have to train you."
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Hey Sarah!
Thanks for letting me know when you posted this chapter. I loved the unique name of Silvernist here. I could definitely see it becoming a bestseller books main character name, and it was also matching for the story. At first I got a little worried about it being to similar to the first one, what with Aviel wanting to take over the world, tec. But the volcano and the silver witch and the black opal puts a different spin on it, which is good. I enjoyed reading it a lot.
Although there were a few typos and some technical difficulties which together we can easily iron out. Here, let's see.
Opening lines are always important, so especially the whole paragraph! Be it a new book or a new chapter. What I didn't like about this line was two things, both which have to do with repetition. In the first sentence you hear a lot of 'for' this and 'for' that. My simplified version of it is: Her village's population was small because it seemed deserted and no one was to be seen. Tada! Not a single for in that line. Feel free to replace it with my example or make your own improvement on it.
For the second line, you just repeat twice two times. In my opinion twice is already once too many. We already know she's running because you told us, so we do not need to be reminded because you tell us a big man is chasing her. My suggestion: The girl ran swiftly without stopping to take a breath as she was chased by a big, muscled screaming man who was red in the face and screaming at her.
In the beginning, in general I also got a bit tired of Silvernist being called 'the girl' I felt like saying, just give her a name already! Maybe she should introduce her name a bit faster? Or use she a bit more in the beginning.
I liked how you told us there was something different about Silvernist's hair and eyes, but not what was so different about them until she was actually with Aviel. I liked that because it kept the reader guessing. And when you keep them guessing they are bound to want to read more.
It may be an exclamation, but don't forget the first line is also a question to. You can use this to keep the empathsis of both?!
In the beginning you also describe what Emma and Stella look like. You describe two people and give two names, but you never link up which name goes with which appearance. It would be beneficial if you could do this to help with visual imagery and everything.
Also, are Emma and Stella going to reappear in the future of this story? If not, they are only in it for a few minutes, which isn't long, so don't even bother with their names. If they are, please just tell me I'm wrong and keep them there. Whatever you do with Emma and Stella, I do believe it was worth sharing Louisa's name. On the other hand, in that scene Emma did all the talking. So if you want to keep things simple but still have Silvernist thinking about them later on, because of what they did to her, or thinking of revenge or they show up or whatever - maybe it should just be Emma? You've got quite a lot of characters in here with names for this only being the first chapter, and we need to try and keep it as simple as possible for the reader that's trying to follow.
I think you this should just be 'you don't belong here' because for all Emma knows, there is no one else like Silvernist. And if there is no one else like her, she hasn't got a 'kind'. Also sticking to the you keeps it pretty personal and close to the character, meaning we can feel empathy towards Silvenist's anguish later on.
Small mistake here, probably accidental. Good use of comma, just wrong place. It should be after the word tears, not through.
I liked how you incorporated the previous story with this one, by saying it was a children's story in Silvernist's time. It also quite clearly pointed out the big gap of 100 years, and I can understand how small children might think the story is simply made up and a myth. The fact that Silvernist is thrilled to find the Necropolis and wants to know more is intriguing. ^^
When Silvernist enters into the castle, she pretends to be his maid. Why? Aviel will obviously know she's not the made, so why not say someone who is wandering?
I think you mean she began walking towards it...
Awkward sentence. How about Aviel had been training and growing stronger and stronger...
So I hope this review was useful! I'm glad I decided to follow the Prophecy and I'm eager to know where this story will take me as well. Do post on my wall again when the next chapter is up! It was helpful
Deanie x
Wow. Seriously wow. This could be a book or something!
This is a really good piece of writing, you really sympathize with Silvernist and despise her "friends" Stella and Emma with her! You've written this very well, and your first impression of the characters are great.
My first impression of Aviel, was he was a bit power-seeking, and controlling. By the last line, you are also intrigued and want, HAVE, to know what he'll be training her and how they both act with it.
I can't wait to see what else you write and I really really hope you carry this on!
Your character ideas are great, and I love your writing style! Keep it up!
-CFG