Soft white squares thin as flower petals,
Like the bedsheets of an angel,
Are locked away in this heart shaped box.
My veins are the roots of life,
Not afraid of the dark and dirty.
They follow pathways underground.
A network of truths
Tracing back to the centre
Where eyes listen and voices are written
With the ink hidden beneath my surface -
Scarlet passion, blue emotions.
I rearrange my bones to form a heart shaped key.
The hair tickling my waist
I cut short.
Let this be the brush that glides along
These soft white squares,
And not rip what little sanity I have left.
The network only visible to those who can see through
These transparent white sheets
And touch the ink smudges of perfect imperfection.
I fold each square with proud fingers,
Not knowing much origami,
And blow a kiss to send them on their way.
Soft white cranes caught in fickle weather
Coming to rest in the palm of your hand.
You unfurl their beauty. Thin as flower petals.
Soft white squares with veins of ink.
You lift them your nose
And blow your criticisms onto their centre
Until there's nothing but snot and vulnerability.
I go to lock my soft white squares
Back in their heart shaped box,
But they have all been contaminated.
So the box is empty.
I'm empty.
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137,946 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi dear, I like the details on the heart-shaped box. You use a simile to strengthen the attractiveness of the poem.
I began to think how special is the heart shaped box, with the way you give a description of the external features. Of course, because it is your heart!
Eyes listen? Well, it may seem a bit confusing / freak, but I believe there is a purpose behind it. What exactly is the purpose for the ink? Poetic, but when we don't know where it comes from, it just lead a confusion. The Scarlet passion- I have heard the meaning behind the name and I like when you use it to represent 'brave and etc' and the blue emotions, blue represent the bad feelings, right?
The third stanza also raised doubts. You started talking outside of the heart-shaped box.
Overall, I really love the concept here. I just think it is too difficult to understand a long poem, and sometimes it mislead me on the way. I think you can simplify / curtail this poem but still serve the same meaning with a purpose, a pierced right at the goal of the poem. Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers
Hello. I am The Raven, Squire of the Knights of the Green Room, and I will be reviewing your piece at this moment. My review will be divided into the sections 'What Is Good' and 'What Needs Improvement/Suggestions'. Now, let's get down to business.
What Is Good:
1) The imageries you use are vivid, and unique in their own ways. They're highly profound, and dense with meaning. The heart-shaped tissue box - why is the heart given a vehicle like that? A tissue box? It begs many questions, and in a good way. It implies a lot of things. So what are the tissues? Are they actions and words resulting from a passionate heart? Why are they stuffed back into the box after being blew on? Does it symbolise unrequited love, or soured love? Abuse? Good stuff!
2) That said, your poetry as a whole being profound, I could read a lot of things into it. Congratulations then, your poetry's done it's job. You've made some points through the use of a sequence of imageries.
What Needs Improvement:
1) However, while the content of your poetry is well done, it is ultimately lacking in several dimensions. The form is just as important as the content, and I'm simply not seeing any use of devices related to form and poetry. Metrical systems (e.g: Iambic Pentameter), rhyming sequence, alliteration, assonance, consonance, even the subversion of devices... They could have added even more meaning, and I suggest at least appropriating one or two of these...
2) The bit about cutting your hair short and using it as a brush, I feel, is out of place and distracting to the rest of the poetry. I still don't get what it means in the context of the poem. Consequently, it disrupted my reading experience.
And... That's all I got! Unfortunately, I have only basic grasp in poetry, so I can't help you as much. Keep writing!
Thanks for your review
As for the cutting hair part it symbolises sacrifice. Waist length hair takes years to grow and to cut it short is like giving up all those years of growing it just to be used as a brush. It's like giving up part of yourself to make something beautiful.