We sway with every turn.
We rise and fall as one.
The wheels pull us onward;
Our journey's just begun.
But you sit near the front
And I sit near the back.
We both stare out the window
Reflecting on what we lack.
Life soars past in a blur,
With music our only friend.
Two paths never to meet,
Two songs never to blend.
And all sound is lost -
Our lonely shade of blue.
We both stare out the window
At what we thought we knew.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
I always have this idea that if you have a good opening then you've tackled on of the hardest task in writing. Your opening
was very well done at did a good job at setting up the rest of the poem.
I loved how easily the words flowed off my screen and it was a pleasure to read on. I also felt a lot of emotion drawn out inside of the poem which was very powerful. To me the poem seemed awfully sweet which was a nice change.
Good job!
Hey! Hightop here for a quick review!
You have this in general, although it is a narrative poem. Also, is this a love poem? A concerned friend? Try telling us more about your poem, either in the poem, the description or just as an authors note. It's hard to review when the piece confuses you.
As Cheetah said, the word on is interrupting your flow a bit.
Not a huge fan of the third stanza. You keep a 'abcb' rhyming scheme in the rest of the poem, so switching to free verse in the third stanza is a little confusing. With rhyming schemes there is a very important rule. Consistency. Keeping your rhythm, scheme and quality consistent are good points to follow with a rhyming scheme.
Personally, I think the third stanza is quite choppy and doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. I would get rid of it altogether. I sort of get the feeling that you added it just to make your poem longer.
I think if you added more imagery to this poem it would be a lot more enjoyable. Descriptions are very useful in poetry. Some things I would like to see some descriptions on are: The route home, the bus and who 'You' is. These would add to your poem and help us understand what your saying. (If you're saying anything.)
This is a good poem, but I didn't care for it much. This isn't exactly my preferred genre or style of writing. I'm not saying your poem is bad, but it just doesn't suit my tastes. I did like the simplicity of this poem, the rhythm and (at most parts) the flow of your poem. I enjoyed the technical side of this poem more than the content.
Overall I think your poem was good, just not for me.
-Hightop
Hai there, Cheetah here, ready to review for you today.
Wow, this really was a good poem. I never really thought of life as a bus, but I guess that's a fair description of it.
One line I would change, however, is this:
I think it would suit the rhythm better if it were changed to "Reflecting what we lack".
Also, I noticed your rhyming slipped a bit towards the end. Poems don't have to rhyme, but it usually sounds better if you do all or nothing, otherwise the readers are sitting there thinking, "Wait, what just happened? It was rhyming a second ago.
These were my favorite lines:
Thank you so much for sharing this! Keep writing!
I really like the beginning of this poem, but I feel the end doesn't hold the same passion as the start. The rhythm and rhyme is good except in the third stanza. A good way to fix this is to change "share" to "blend." That way friend and blend rhyme and it all flows
:
"Life soars past in a blur,
With music our only friend.
Two paths never to meet,
Two songs never to blend."
Other than that, it's great! I love the emotion behind it, and the fact that I can connect to the poem. Good luck, please keep writing!
Thank you for that new word
I didn't like how the third stanza didn't rhym but couldn't think of a better word other than 'share'. I wasn't expecting all that much from this poem but I'm pleased that someone connects with it.
Glad I could help!