The cut, the cut upon my knee
from falling down, a small way down.
Blood and dirt and twisted tree;
the root that trips is laughing.
The cut, the cut upon my sole.
Glass bottles shattered, bare feet exposed.
What I did wrong I do not know.
The violent man is laughing.
The cut, the cut upon my wrist,
it's so cliché, but why resist?
Sleeves that roll down to the fist.
These eyes that cry are laughing.
The cut, the cut upon my heart -
My lover likes to tear things apart.
He said pain is a living art.
My mind that warned is laughing.
The cut, the cut upon my face
lets them know I'm out of place.
But what they know is but a trace,
so let them know I'm laughing.
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140,635 Literary Works • 673,571 Reviews
Hey, I'll add the good parts after I get through with my criticisms on this poem.
Okay so, the cut *upon* my knee is just a bit misleading. Do cuts lay on top of knees or are they embedded into the skin? The way I think about upon is up-on and the way google defines it is
1. more formal term for on, esp. in abstract senses.
The whole "a small way down" seems a little out of place. I get that it's suppose to be dramatic but you have the dramatic boy admitting that the way down was just a small way. In reality if the boy were dramatic he would defiantly be like "OHMAHGOD IT WAS SO FAR" or something.
Also I don't think the stanza is worded perfectly because the 3rd line seems to just list things. It does sound good but it doesn't quite fit.
So this is not too clear. You imply that you stepped on the bottle of the 'violent man.' If you stepped on the bottle then what makes him so violent? Also, you needn't do anything wrong except step on a bottle. It is very ambiguous and the reader cannot forge these connections if you do not give them to him/her.
The last line just doesn't seem right for this.
See, you did a commentary about cliche things and then you just talk about cliche things. Why not exemplify the example you wrote on your previous stanza instead of contradicting it. You lost your credibility here and it seems like rambling because you have no concurrent theme and simply enough, it is sorta random. I mean, it can be a silly work that just means nothing but whatevs, seems to easy and holds you to nothing that makes acceptable messages except the sillyness that caters too mostly children, which won't understand the hidden message anyways unless you make it painfully obvious.
--so what i'm saying here is you aren't getting anything across either way that is an effective message but that is more up for you to decide whether you like it better that way.
Yeah so this poem gets really messed up when you have no means to explain the cut or anything on the characters face. It is the same reason why structured rhyme poems are just so hard to do.
_
Anyways it can be a good poem if you consider Shel Silverstein, who writes children poetry and makes money doing it but at the same time I am not a fan personally, and that is okay. I would just be aware of the rules you break with these types of silly poems so you can break them more effectively and carry messages better then this.
Anyways It was an okay poem I guess,
Monsters
You're a really talented poet. You took something terrible and made it seem even more terrible by giving it personification. I don't know if this is what you were aiming for but I pictured these laughs as evil, sinister, ugly laughs. I was almost scared. But really, you did a good job. You captured complex themes like self harm and domestic abuse in this poem and you did it in a way that was like no other. Congrats for making such a great piece.
Thank you
I really loved this piece! I think you have a nice voice, but you can fix a few things.
"My mind that warned is laughing." What? I don't really understand what this means. You should try to change it.
"the root that trips is laughing." The root didn't trip, though. I was a bit confused on that.
"The violent man is laughing." ??? Change that to something else.
Sorry I don't have advice for this, but I'm not good with writing poetry.
Now, I thought you had a very nice voice and tone for this piece, but I think you should try to:
1. Even out the syllables.
2. Rhyme a bit more than you did. This would sound nice with a rhyme to it.
Aside from that, it was awesome! Good job!
Alex out!
Wow! That was a dramatic poem. The finest thing about the poem is its title. The title straight away catches your attention. Secondly rhyming is perfect. Hardly could I find any fault in the poem.
I guess you can correct the minor typo in the last stanza 'let' instead of 'lets'. But overall this is a fine attempt. An enjoyable read. Keep writing!