You passed me like one passes through a doorframe,
Breathing through the essence of me
Like the smoke in your lungs.
In
then out, choking a little on the unnatural substance.
I heard you cough, but nothing more.
Because you breathe ash, and I breathe air.
I am an alien to your dulled mind.
Each weekend is a new excuse to separate yourself.
Your shirt is a green leaf spread out like a hand.
It reaches to grab at me
The more I look at it.
It’s wanting something to hold onto,
But you’d never admit that, would you?
Because you forget the weekend, and I remember.
I remember the way you looked that next morning,
The slits of your eyes deep within their shadowy sockets.
Hiding.
The rusty groan language you spoke.
Did it hurt to make a noise?
You're growing much older, stoner boy.
~
It’s clear that your emotions are foggy.
They exist with every flick of a flint wheel.
Dark clouds.
You draw them in, holding your breath until the fire has torn apart your throat.
You wouldn’t dare exhale.
Because your eyes are red, and mine are sympathetic.
Your mum called. She doesn’t know your name, so she only coughed.
Nothing more.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hey there, therealme!
I feel like you get a little carried away here. If the doorframe and the breathing are two different ideas, I'd like to see a full stop after the first line instead of the comma. See, the way it's punctuated indicates that the second and third lines are describing how one passes through a doorway. If they are the same idea, the doorframe and the breathing need more of a connection.Wow! I really enjoyed this! Thanks for sharing this on YWS! I love how focused it is on the other person and their need for comfort, but them turning to drugs, and I like that the narrator is not quite disgusted, but hurting for this person when they can't hurt for themselves.
That being said, there are a few suggestions I'd like to make that could make this poem even better.
A cool idea here would be to let "in" have its own line, as really, when you're taking a hit (smoking from whatever you're smoking from), you have to breathe in a whole lot of air. Make it a bigger deal.
This was a little confusing to me, as the "stoner" is smoking pot, right? I wouldn't use the word "unnatural" here because there are a lot more unnatural things to smoke, and none of them are pot. It just tripped me up a little, is all.
I'm not a big fan of this line-- I think it would be lovely to end the stanza on the preceding line. You could take this out, and all the poem would lack is something that mars the otherwise sympathetic tone of the poem.
Okay, so in this image, I saw the shirt itself as a marijuana leaf. I think it would be wiser to say "your shirt is branded with" or "your shirt holds" so there isn't any weird imagery going on.
Lemme tell you a thing. Unless the pot is bad, the smoke should be white. So unless you're taking artistic license here, I suggest you say something else. If you are, good for you, but know that some people out there will scoff at that bit because it's inaccurate. A good rule of thumb with smoke is that if it is plant matter, the smoke is white, and if it is man made, the smoke is gray-black. I learned that burning prairies during the summer!
I love the ending. It's fab.
Altogether, I really liked this poem. While it needs a bit of polishing, it shows great potential. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Have fun poeting, and happy fahrvergnügen!
Of course, there are gramatical slip-ups, like in most poetry, but I love this poem so much. The metaphors aren't overdone, the wording is just right, and the overall feeling of this work sat right with me. You're very talented! Good job, and definitely keep writing.
Hey, therealme! I believe we haven't really met before. Let's get to reviewing, then.
The first time I read this, I lost focus at the last part because of the switch in tenses (starting from "It's clear that your emotions are foggy."). There could be two explanations: 1) It could be a slip. Tense-switching happens, and could be revised and edited. OR 2) It could be a switch to the present, making the first parts a series of flashbacks that lead to the present, in which case it would be better if you added some sort of mark or a sign that you are switching back, if that makes sense. Which one is it?
Content-wise, this was quite interesting to read, because I haven't smoked anything in my life. It is quite choppy at parts, but isn't that how it's supposed to be? I'd like there to be less explanations ('because' is mentioned a lot) and more, well, imagery.
This part didn't make sense to me. How is the shirt like a green leaf spread out like a hand? Similes within similes, be careful there.
Um, what? I didn't understand this part either. What made him forget that weekend?
How is it clear? Show us how, tell us of the blankness, tell us of the feelings, rather than the consequences. I think my favourite line is the one before last. So many ways it could be interpreted: she could have forgotten their name because they had left so long ago and she grew so old, she could have forgotten because they changed so much that they aren't the same person any more; I like that sort of vagueness.
Keep on writing!
Cheers,
Alpha
I really liked it! It was excellent! Awesome metaphors and descriptions. I really enjoyed reading the second stanza, it had very interesting lines, especially //the slits of your eyes deep within their shadowy sockets//hiding./the rusty groan language you spoke/did it hurt to make a noise?/you're growing much older, stoner boy//.
) //Your mum called//She doesn't know your name, so she only coughed//Nothing more
Also the last 2 lines of the poem were exquisitely awesome. (I don't know if those 2 words have ever been used in a row, but there you go
That ending is really good, leaves you wanting more and yet it is hard to read. Excellent artwork! No criticism to say... I absolutely loved your poem!