I was light. light as a feather. light as the sun. light as your soul.
When the walls shifted and tilted,
a red world was hastily dyed blue,
leaving patches of red in the wake.
But your soul was dark. dark as soot and burnt sulfur
I did not see the black between the red and blue.
I did not see what was beyond the tiny stars.
But I covered you with the still-drying paint
Burying all your darkness
but your soul bleed through that flimsy layer
and turned purple paint to black
I dipped you in honey and feathers
your voice dripped sweet poetry
but the odor was more bitter still,
and the shadows dripped off your tongue.
But as I stand there, I hold your hands
I find I can forgive you of anything.
I don’t care about your darkness.
I embrace you and it surrounds me.
And taints me.
And we are grayed together.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Howdy!
Nargles here to review your wonderful poem.
It is a great poem, and I really enjoyed reading it.
Before I go into detaisl and all, just watch your grammar and punctuation. You need to capitalise words after a full stop, even if they are in the same line. It's just basic rules. Especially because you capitalise the start of every line.
Apart from that you have written a really good poem.
I like the way you have described each person, the persona and the other character.
The way you have used such vivid imagery, with the paints and stars and varying colours, it helps to paint a really nice picture of emotions, and you get a sense of what this person is feeling.
The other thing I would recommend changing is this line
'I find I can forgive you of anything.'
I would change it to 'I find I can forgive you of everything' it just works better and seems correct.
Anyway, you have written a fantastic poem and have used some beautiful language.
Good job and keep writing!
Nargles xxx
When i read this the first part of it sound like a supernova and the emotion that the star feels once it explodes. Then once in the middle it swayed off a bit but then towards the end again i thought of a supernova.
I find I can forgive you of anything.
I don’t care about your darkness.
I embrace you and it surrounds me.
That made me think that once the gigantic explosion was over that "your darkness" meant space and that "it surrounds me" furthered it. Nonetheless its a great poem
Hi fortis, here is a review on your wonderful poem.
I should start by saying that your poem is so interesting with the use of effective diction.I will not comment on punctuation because it is the style of your writing, I leave if some do want to say about it.
There may also be some confusion on some lines.
I imagine it cutting across various aspects of angles; reality or fantasy?
You give a variety of colors in your poem: red, gray, purple, and blue. I think it's a means a lot and unique. Although some critics felt that a good poem is a poem that gives understanding to the reader, I still agree with saying that poetry should also give the reader a high level of thinking and new questions. Just like what you did.
Overall, I liked this poem so much. The rhythm is okay, also the same with the diction used. Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers.
Wow! This is really touching. I am not the best at reviewing good poems that have actual underlying meaning and truth to them, like this one. The poems I write are jibberjabber that rhyme.
But, I'll do the best I can. I feel like you are trying to describe some type of true bondage, that is nearly everlasting, weather you want to or not. It seems as though the person talked about in this poetry is in love with someone who does not quite return their feelings. The main character recocgises this, and does not care. You used exceptional words, and your poetry really flowed well. I couldn't find any grammar errors, so good job there.
All in all, great work! Hope to read some more! ~Andy the Not So Great out~