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Detroit

by fortis


These empty houses,
skulls of a giant long dead,
staring, unseeing.


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193 Reviews


Points: 408
Reviews: 193

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:59 pm
Niraco wrote a review...



I tend not to read haikus - mainly because at first I didn't know what they were. After reading a few I do enjoy them and I did enjoy this. However I felt a little confused a and had to read it a few times to fully understand it - mostly because it is review day and my brain is slowly turning off.

I felt as if this was lacking an awful lot. It was as if there was no emotion put into it and there wasn't any deep meaning. Not that you need that in a poem but this just seemed rather bland. Saying that I did enjoy it. Great job and happy writing!




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Mon Oct 14, 2013 5:24 am
Button wrote a review...



Hi! So haikus are odd things to review and I don't do em much but I have a couple of thoughts about this one all the same. First off, there are no active verbs here. I think that maybe if you start off with a strong verb, it'll help the image seem a whole lot more concrete and interesting than how it is now. And... forgot the other thing I was going to say but if I remember I'll edit it in. Aside from that, I really like the image that you have, though the "staring" and "unseeing" seem a bit cliche to me in the concept of empty skulls or dead bodies. Otherwise, great job!




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Mon Oct 14, 2013 4:03 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there fortis!

It's hard to review haikus, but I'll give it a shot. I'm from the Detroit area, so I might be a bit biased.

This is good, but it feels rather predictable, like it was pretty much what I expected to see when I saw the title.

I also recall from some previous reading I've done on haikus/senryus that they're supposed to have two parts that contradict each other. Now, I have nothing against breaking rules, but here I feel like something contrasting the dark imagery would spice it up. Perhaps you could show the past glory, or even a sign of hope?

Overall, this is good, but I feel like it could be more interesting. Keep writing! :)




fortis says...


Thanks for your review!
I think I remember learning that bit about the contradictory nature of haikus, but I had completely forgotten it until now. I did try to make mention (in a very subtle way) of Detroit's past glory by saying "a GIANT long dead." But eh. I don't get much hope coming across to me whenever I drive through Detroit; it's not a fun place.
And I know it's predictable. Oh well.
I'll see if anything comes to me to help me spice it up!
Thanks again!




I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage